Just Stop Trying Already

This is a continuation of my previous post "Yearning for Love"

So, it’s interesting. Looking into my eyes earlier in the mirror. The right eye I saw there was lots and lots of fear there. Like, my being just infused with fear actually. A relationship with fear that is very very integrated and infused into my very being. But then when looking into the left eye, I saw this ‘little devil’ in there. Like, something deliberate. I had to look again because it was so unexpected. I have seen it before but its sort of hard to wrap my head around it. It’s this ‘programming’, or whatever it is. ‘Something’ inside of me that’s DELIBERATELY causing me to be so… conflicted all the time internally. Like something that is revelling in undermining me in every imaginable way.

Something or someone whose mission it is to sabotage and undermine every little effort that I make. Anytime I ‘try’ to take any step forward or literally ‘try’ to do anything at all, it will make sure to undermine me and go against me and essentially make sure that I will end up in as many inner conflict as possible – feeling like things that should be easy are super super hard, or even impossible, for me.

And it’s interesting because it certainly isn’t anything that I ‘consciously’ see myself doing. That ‘deliberateness’ in terms of sabotaging and undermining me. But I mean it’s there, in my eyes, so obviously it’s ‘me’. And if I’d have to venture into ‘why’ it’s there and why it might be ‘deliberate’, then what it looks like to me is that it’s almost like a ‘gatekeeper’. Keeping me away from what is already ‘here’. From what I’d see and realize if there wasn’t this ‘something’ inside of me keeping me from it. If I for instance were to just ‘let go’ and stop ‘trying’ lol. Stop ‘walking process’. Stop trying to put one foot in front of the other and stop trying to ‘do’ anything at all. If I’d just ‘be’.

I’d realize that everything is already here. Existence is already here. I just need to BREATHE, and not move a muscle essentially. If anything, any ‘muscle’ that I move, will just trigger this ‘little devil’ lol. Who will make sure that I end up getting lost in all sorts of experiences and beliefs and perceptions that ‘oh I’ve got such a LOOOOONG process to walk. And that I must TRY TRY TRY to just get somewhere.’ And that ‘oh it’s such a struggle! Such a battle!’ Trying to get to what is actually already right here for me. If only I’d just stop ‘trying’ lol. Stop giving that little devil so many opportunities to step in and ‘lead me astray’.

But I mean obviously there is a ‘reason’ why I’ve got this little demon inside me. Cause as I said it’s a part of me so, even though it’s unconscious, I am CHOOSING to exist like this. So that must mean that on some level I KNOW what I will see or be if I did ‘let go’. If I stopped ‘trying’ and just ‘breathed’. And that I actually RESIST it, for some reason. Maybe I resist ‘responsibility’. Because I know that if I became aware of existence here in and as me, that I’d see and realize my responsibility within and as it all. I wouldn’t be able to play the victim card anymore. I wouldn’t be able to ‘fuck around’ anymore. I would be RESPONSIBLE, for EVERYTHING. There’d be no escaping it. It would be undeniable. The undeniable truth of me, staring me right in the face. The very one that I have obviously spent my existence avoiding, trying to just keep myself away from that very moment of seeing it.

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To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




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Living my Living Word

This is a continuation of my previous post "My Living Word"

Working with the word Safe Haven has been interesting so far. My initial exploration of the word was more on an internal level, of 'what does it mean to be and stand as a Safe Haven?' But then I also looked at 'how can I practically, physically live this world?', which was a little more challenging since it's not so easy as just basically 'feeling' or 'seeing' the word within me.

Safe Haven for me is very much about focusing on myself, in terms of creating a 'safe space' for myself, both internally as externally. A place where I am 'free from harm'. A 'harbor'. A place where I can relax and be myself.

On an internal level that means to sort of draw everything into me, like drawing ships into my harbor, rather than me being 'drawn out' within for instance focusing on others over myself and thinking about 'the world around me' more than myself. With living Safe Haven it's more like, all those points I tend to get 'drawn to' within my thoughts, when I sort of 'drift off' within thinking about other people and then lose my awareness of myself within that - I have to instead draw all those points into myself. Draw 'other people' into myself, and so making my awareness of myself my primary focus. And, rather than me getting pulled towards it, I pull it towards me.

On an external level, a point I have considered is to just literally create a 'safe haven' for myself. In terms of creating a living space and environment that makes me feel 'safe'. Considering 'me' and what I need, within how I organize and set up and create my living space. Which is in fact equally important as the internal dimension. It's living the word on all levels of 'who I am', in oneness and equality.

And it's certainly counter-intuitive I have noticed, just because I'm not used to living in this way. I am used to 'getting lost' within thinking and worrying about 'other people'. I'm used to sort of neglecting my physical living space and not really consider what I actually need, to support myself. I am used to not making myself the 'center focus' of everything, and I'm used to NOT feeling safe within myself and my reality. So it's definitely been opening up fascinating points for me so far.


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Get Out of your Head!

this is a continuation of my previous post "The Imprisoned Self-Awareness"

The act of 'thinking'  can give a sense of security. Like oh you're thinking, you must be considering many things and taking much into account, thus apparently creating a 'security' for yourself. The security of 'I've though of everything!' Without thoughts, it's like you're naked. It's just you in the moment and nothing else.

And because thoughts is like this voice in your head, or like something systemic, like a machine, it certainly feels and seems as though it's in some way 'trustworthy'. Like it will 'pull you through' and 'guide the way'. Like a map that knows how to navigate the roads of the world.

But, what are thoughts really? Ideally I suppose, sure, they should be like a map. Something you can 'consult' or use to put things in a certain structure, like creating a map where you bring a bunch of information together and hold it there within a containment so you can look at it all.

But I'm starting to realize that how thoughts exist currently, or rather how I've accepted them to exist within me, is definitely NOT in a way that's supportive or 'guiding' or even useful. If anything, the way that my thoughts exist is more like a reflection of the directionlessness and lostness and 'chaos' of the 'inner me'. Where, sure, I'm thinking about things, and that machine of thoughts is always turning, but it's not in any way 'organized' and it certainly does not give me oversight, like a map would, of anything.

It's actually more like, because my starting point as the 'inner me' is not stable and is more like 'all over the place', my thoughts will also be 'unstable' and 'all over the place'. And so will at the end of the day only contribute to the problem and make it worse, rather than actually give me stability and structure.

So I suppose my mistake was always to place my thoughts first, before myself, and say "lead the way!". Rather than realizing that thoughts are just a tool and that it's me who needs to 'lead the way'. I need to live stability and structure and direction as myself first, and then I may be able to use thoughts to look at points. But I can never think that thoughts have any power or ability in and of themselves. If anything, thoughts will more just mold and shape themselves around and according to the direction that I give myself internally and will thus simply be a reflection of who I am inside.

My Mind, My Savior

This is a continuation of my previous post "That which we're all Looking for"

Throughout my life I have always had a very strong relationship with 'thinking'. Like, 'going into my thoughts' was a thing that I would do. Where I wouldn't just for instance use thinking as like a purely practical way of navigating my reality, where your 'thinking' is more 'integrated' in your moment-to-moment sort of 'living'.

But my 'thinking' was more like I would cut myself off from the world around me and just sort of go and 'sit' in my head. Because I felt 'safe' there. In relation to my environment, I felt nothing but fear and anxiety and constant discomfort. And my own thoughts seemed the only place where I could not be 'harmed'. A place that I could escape to and that would keep me 'safe', essentially by suppressing my 'awareness' of the fear and anxiety I was actually experiencing. The act of 'thinking' in itself seemed to sort of give me a way to 'avoid' directly experiencing that fear.

But then, as a result of existing in a state of 'unawareness' due to 'thinking', I'd then actually experience even more fear and anxiety of a world and reality that I did not understand or 'relate to'. So my mind kept calling me. Saying to me, "I'll keep you safe! The world out there is nothing but fear, but you're safe in here!" And I never really questioned that, until now.

I always figured, it's where I feel 'safe' so therefore it must be my 'safe haven'. And so I found that I'd have the hardest time being 'in the body' cause it always felt like I was losing some kind of 'safety'. I never realized that the mind presenting itself as my 'safe haven' is basically like some kind of evil entity scaring the shit out of you, but then turning around and saying "I know it's scary! Come here, I'll keep you safe!" It's kind of like running into the arms of your abuser because they told you they would protect you from abuse.

It's cause the mind is good at hiding itself. Like, you'll only see those things that it wants you to see from moment to moment, because it's conditioned you to not see the 'bigger picture'. You kind of only see 'what's right in front of you'. Where, the mind will show you what it is that you're 'looking for'. A 'safe haven'. A 'comfort zone'. An 'escape'. It obviously won't show you that the only reason you're looking for that is because it is TERRORIZING and ABUSING you.

I mean, by saying that, I don't 'blame' the mind. It's just a program. This was more just an important point for me to 'realize' so that I could finally understand that I cannot trust the mind. And that I certainly cannot trust that sort of 'desire' to want to go and 'sit' in thoughts. And that really the only thing I CAN trust, the only thing that is in fact a real 'safe haven', and that does have my best interests at heart, is the physical body.