To Live the Word CARE

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living my Living Word"

Who am I in and as the word ‘care’?

Care has always been something I looked for from others and felt that I lacked within myself. I always wanted people to prove how much they cared about me and so I often deliberately did things, like hide away or act miserable, just to see if I could get a reaction out of people as apparent ‘proof’ that they care about me.

So care has definitely not been a word that I have lived in my life. In fact, I’ve more lived words like neglect and abandonment. Feeling neglected and abandoned. But, more actually neglecting and abandoning my RESPONSIBILITY to live the word care for and as myself. To actually look into this word and for myself defining what it means to LIVE care.

Cause, clearly how I have defined this word is within and as REACTIONS. Believing that, if somebody reacts to something I do, then it means they care about me. Like, they ‘care enough’ to go into reactions. Rather than ‘not giving a shit’. So care is supposedly a ‘feeling’ that I’m supposed to feel or that people are supposed to feel about me, and if that feeling isn’t there then apparently there isn’t any care.

So I mean obviously this can’t be what real care is about. Cause if anything it just creates ‘neglect’, cause a ‘feeling’ can’t always be there. It can’t be trusted. And also, by looking for a ‘feeling’, I tend to not actually see the points of ‘care’ that are in fact always unconditionally here. I tend to then take that for granted, because it’s not a ‘feeling’.

Like I would say nature, lives the point of care. As in always providing, always being here, always supporting, always giving. Yet expecting nothing in return. And being ‘invisible’ in a way. As in nature isn’t going to be like ‘hey look at all this stuff I’m doing for you guys! Aren’t I the greatest?!’ It just does what’s necessary to be done, ‘behind the scenes’. Taking care of things, so that life can thrive.

I mean, then again, in return nature gets shat on by humanity who take it all for granted and don’t appreciate that unconditional care. So I guess maybe there’s something within how nature lives care that’s also not necessarily ‘best’, since it’s never really supported or rather ‘pushed’ human beings to care for nature in return. Until now, with the corona virus lol. Maybe that’s nature adjusting its definition of care a little bit, showing some ‘tough love’ to human beings and standing up with the words ‘I’ve just about had enough of your shit’.

Because, at the end of the day, that ‘unconditional care’ is cool and all, but it has to also be aligned with what is best for all in oneness and equality. And when one party is giving, giving, giving, without ever expecting anything in return, and the other party is taking, taking, taking without giving anything back – that’s not best for either party.

So perhaps ‘care’ isn’t so much about the point of ‘unconditionally giving’ or even ‘taking care of’ – but more first and foremost about ‘keeping your eye on the prize’, as what’s best for all in oneness and equality. And to then do what’s necessary to be done, as in ‘take care of’ things, in the context of what’s best for all. So no more polarity of ‘unconditionally giving’ vs ‘taking things for granted’. But more looking at what’s actually necessary for us all to come together within the point of oneness and equality. For those who give, give, give, to start standing up for themselves, and those who take, take, take, to start giving back.

So I suppose living ‘care’ is to, ‘behind the scenes’ simply do what is necessary to be done to manifest a reality of what’s best for all in oneness and equality. To thus not simply act out of a ‘feeling’ of apparent ‘care’ where you’re supposed to apparently just ‘give’ to another and disregard and neglect yourself. But to really ask yourself ‘what is really needed here?’ Like what earth and nature are doing right now in relation to humanity. Asking themselves the question of ‘what does the human really need in fact, to get their heads out of their asses and start honoring life on earth?’ Apparently the answer to that was Corona virus.

So, sometimes it’s to ‘unconditionally give’, but sometimes it’s to take something away. Either way, there is ‘unconditional care’ because it’s all in the context of what’s necessary to ultimately bring about a world that’s best for all in oneness and equality.

Living my Living Word

This is a continuation of my previous post "My Living Word"

Working with the word Safe Haven has been interesting so far. My initial exploration of the word was more on an internal level, of 'what does it mean to be and stand as a Safe Haven?' But then I also looked at 'how can I practically, physically live this world?', which was a little more challenging since it's not so easy as just basically 'feeling' or 'seeing' the word within me.

Safe Haven for me is very much about focusing on myself, in terms of creating a 'safe space' for myself, both internally as externally. A place where I am 'free from harm'. A 'harbor'. A place where I can relax and be myself.

On an internal level that means to sort of draw everything into me, like drawing ships into my harbor, rather than me being 'drawn out' within for instance focusing on others over myself and thinking about 'the world around me' more than myself. With living Safe Haven it's more like, all those points I tend to get 'drawn to' within my thoughts, when I sort of 'drift off' within thinking about other people and then lose my awareness of myself within that - I have to instead draw all those points into myself. Draw 'other people' into myself, and so making my awareness of myself my primary focus. And, rather than me getting pulled towards it, I pull it towards me.

On an external level, a point I have considered is to just literally create a 'safe haven' for myself. In terms of creating a living space and environment that makes me feel 'safe'. Considering 'me' and what I need, within how I organize and set up and create my living space. Which is in fact equally important as the internal dimension. It's living the word on all levels of 'who I am', in oneness and equality.

And it's certainly counter-intuitive I have noticed, just because I'm not used to living in this way. I am used to 'getting lost' within thinking and worrying about 'other people'. I'm used to sort of neglecting my physical living space and not really consider what I actually need, to support myself. I am used to not making myself the 'center focus' of everything, and I'm used to NOT feeling safe within myself and my reality. So it's definitely been opening up fascinating points for me so far.


www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com

My Living Word

This is a continuation of my previous post "My CV for Life"

In lieu of the latest Destonians chats, I’ve been working with the word ‘Safe Haven’ as the word that I want to stand as and live for myself, and my ‘support word’ to start changing points faster. It took me a while to find that word lol but once I sort of allowed myself to sink into my body and breath, it’s what came up and it just sat well within me. Even made me tear up lol so I was like ‘alright this must be the word’.

Safe Haven because, so much of ‘me’ is just plain fear actually. Where I mostly feel unsettled within myself and tend to overthink and go into worries, insecurities, doubts and just a lot of inner conflict, all from the starting point of fear, basically. So just never had a ‘safe haven’ within and as myself. Like a knowing that ‘I am here’ and I don’t need to worry. And I will be fine, cause I’m ‘safe’ within myself, no matter what.

And I’ve been applying this word in relation to points wherein I am not trusting myself. Which is a point I’ve kind of accepted is almost impossible to change. The lack of self-trust, where I would rather turn to something outside of myself to direct me and tell me what to do and how to be and how I’m doing. Because, obviously if you don’t feel ‘safe’ within yourself and you don’t have a ‘safe haven’, you also won’t be able to trust yourself cause you feel like you won’t be there for you if you ‘fall’.

So every time I am seeing myself go into a point of wanting to rather place my trust in something other than just myself, I’ve been bringing up this word ‘Safe Haven’, as basically the point of knowing that ‘no matter what happens, I am here. And so I can relax and don’t need to worry’. And it’s been supporting me to ‘calm the waters’ within myself. To stop being so frantic lol, and panicky, and being so afraid of ‘making mistakes’. Just to, rather than getting all caught up in the fear that’s going on within me, place my focus on just living this word Safe Haven within and for myself.

www.desteni.org

www.destonians.com 

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.eqafe.com

My CV for LIFE

I suppose the point that I can stand as in terms of how I can be of service and support for human beings, is the point of ASSERTIVENESS. The point of 'getting off your ass' basically. Because I have always lived disempowerment and laziness, as in just not ever doing anything with and in my life. Always finding it just very difficult to get myself moving or motivate myself or get myself to do anything that I don't necessarily HAVE to do.

I was lazy in many and in fact most, if not all, areas of my life. And existed basically in a state of 'giving up' on just about everything. Not having that 'umpff', that drive within me to make something of myself or of my life, or to even take care of myself and my environment. Not really seeing the purpose or the 'point', or any real 'reason' to make much of an effort within anything. Not seeing the value in most of all myself, nor any real reason to care about myself and what I do in and with my life.

Rather I'd be very much a 'victim' to feelings and emotions. Just kind of letting myself go and being the 'toy' of whatever energy comes up in me. Never sort of 'taking a stand' to direct or decide 'who I am', because I just never found anything 'worthwhile' to stand up for. Essentially living the statement of 'I don't see the value in life' and 'I don't see the value in me'.

And yes, I am still busy walking and changing this point. 'Standing up' and 'taking charge' and 'being assertive' in all areas of my life.

But I have managed to change a few points already.

1. In terms of caring for and directing my physical environment. Which started with creating a living space for myself that I felt satisfied and happy with, rather than just being 'OK' with 'whatever'. Then introducing the concept of 'cleaning' lol. Slowly but surely building a consistency and thoroughness in terms of how I clean. And coming to understand the importance of 'cleaning' as actually more a symbolic point actually. Where, sure technically or theoretically you don't 'need' to clean certain things or areas in your space every week, but just the act of cleaning it anyways is an act of care. It's me stating 'I care', and that's why I do it. And it's also a point of 'being on top of things'. Not letting things slide. But taking action and moving myself and 'taking care' of my environment, in a physical, literal sense. So I've changed in this point, yet still in the process of perfecting it.
2. Then there's the point of self-creation, as in 'pursuing' something in this world and reality. and moving and pushing a point into creation. Sort of 'making it happen one way or the other' and not just waiting around for it to maybe possibly one day happen on its own. Which started with first figuring out who I actually am in terms of what I do want to create for myself. Finding my 'starting point' as the point of 'value' within and for myself. A point within me wherein I can see 'value' to express myself from that point. Whereas how it used to be is that I would just express myself based on how I thought I 'needed to', to make other people happy or get them off my back or just kind of 'go along' with things. I first allowed myself to let go of all the things I was doing just because I felt I 'had to' for whatever reason, so that I could start with a 'clean slate', by turning inwards and really just getting to know myself unconditionally. Placing myself first and starting from there. Finding out what I enjoy, what I find important, what my real genuine self-expression is. And then from there I have to push myself to create a 'future' in this world. 'Carve my path' so to speak, and truly ASSERT myself and 'engrave' who I am within and as this reality. Just like what companies and brands do and have done. They 'brand' themselves, like a stamp, into reality and into the consciousness and the minds of human beings. Also a point I've changed in, yet am still in the process of perfecting.
3. The third point is with regards to walking my process. Being more 'hands-on'. More 'structured'. More driven and dedicated and not so much 'flying by the seam of my pants'. Not so much assuming that 'oh I'm special and I will realize myself as life at some point regardless, without having to necessarily really push myself', but rather really pushing and more realizing and considering that actually, the odds are always against me. And I have to be on top of my game every day, in every moment. Not being too shy to face points that make me uncomfortable and not too lazy to walk whatever writing or self-forgiveness or redefining words is required. I could use some work in this department still as well, where I realize I don't use ALL tools at my disposal. Specifically when it comes to learning from other people's process through listening to Eqafe recordings, Bernard's recordings and reading others' blogs. That is an area where I have not been pushing myself and require some more specificity. So again, a point I have been changing, yet still perfecting.
4. Another point is with regards to my 'self-trust', which is where I have reeeeaaaaal issues. This has been a more tricky point for me. I am very lazy when it comes to my self-direction and self-expression. In that I would rather have something else direct me and tell me how to express myself. In this I've been relying a little too much on muscle testing because I find it easier to just test on things than to sort of figure things out by myself. It's like this point within myself where I'm like "nah I'll rather just follow directions and just do what's expected of me than to actually go through the hassle of basically learning to express myself". Going through the process of getting to know my expression and how to effectively express the 'real me'. It's a bit scary and my reaction in the face of fear is to give up and search for something outside of myself to place my trust in. So this one I'm very much still in the beginning stages of changing.

So with this on my resume as my 'experience', I would say that the position I could stand in is in assisting and supporting others who are like me. Human beings who are also living that statement of 'I don't see the value in me' and are living this point of disempowerment and laziness within themselves and their lives. This is the 'pillar' I can stand as, of being a leading example of how to change this self-accepted programming. How to change from being disempowered and lazy, to being assertive and effective.

I hope that you will consider me in this role. I am looking forward to being a valuable part of your team.


Kim Amourette

LIFE as Unconditional Forgiveness

This is a continuation of my previous blog "Choices, choices, choices."

A process I have been walking lately, and one that does on a level coincide with the Corona virus, is one of investigating and correcting my relationship with FEAR. I mean one thing that Bernard had told me back in 2008 was that "I just need to RELAX". And it's not until recently that I've started to realize just how much I 'just need to relax' lol.

In that, throughout my life I've just developed a pretty intense relationship with fear energy. Where in fact, everything, all the time, within how I experience myself and how I think and look at things, is always coming from fear. I trust fear, more than I trust myself or the body.

And fear actually creates the belief and experience and perception that I am 'weak' and 'disempowered' in relation to whatever it is I'm afraid of. In relation to EVERYTHING basically. Fear makes me feel like I am just small and insignificant. Incapable of directing anything. Just a 'victim' of reality and whatever 'happens' to me'. It makes me not trust myself and not be with myself. It makes me be afraid of relaxing even.

Because it also creates the illusion that I NEED fear. That fear will somehow protect me. Fear will keep me moving. Fear will motivate me. Fear will direct me. Fear will tell me what to do. Whereas if I relax, it's just me, in the body. And since my whole life I've only placed my trust in fear, I have no idea if I can trust 'me'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my trust in fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no other choice because I am disempowered and weak and I am just a slave and a victim to everything that is here in this world and reality -- so its like fear is the only thing that makes me feel like I can 'do' anything, even if it's just to overwhelm myself with this energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I have no ability to direct anything in this world and reality and that therefore all I can do is escape into the mind , wherein I can at least make myself FEEL like I have some power -- as in the power to generate energy and thoughts

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to just be honest with myself about the fact that I actually feel completely disempowered and powerless within myself -- rather than suppressing that or 'compensating' it by going into the ILLUSION of power as energy and thoughts as the ego of the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to BELIEVE that I cannot stand equal with the body and with all the cells in the body and with the world system and with the physical reality and with things like viruses - and stand in a point where I have the ability to DIRECT these things --- and to rather accept the BELIEF that I am completely, totally and utterly powerless in relation to just about anything that exists in this world and reality -- even things that exist inside myself as my own mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therein justify FEAR, as the belief that, since I am completely powerless in every way, maybe fear will somehow protect me

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that if anything, fear actually makes me feel even more disempowered and powerless, as fear separates me from myself  and from who i am HERE --- which is where the real disempowerment happens, when I 'lose' myself in fear and am not simply 'me' anymore, regardless of what 'happens'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that going into fear is a form of giving up on myself, as a reaction to the belief that I am powerless to anything and everything in this world and reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this belief of myself being powerless is actually also fear -- because the actual powerlessness is the separation that I accept and allow from myself - through things like belief systems and fear --- because, if I stand in oneness and equality with reality AS myself, and so not in separation in and as the mind, then there simply is nothing that can 'overpower' me

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the only disempowerment that I have accepted and allowed to exist within myself is to separate myself from reality AS me and to not stand one and equal with reality -- but to rather define myself in and as the mind in 'separation' of reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's not so much fear that causes disempowerment, but actually me not standing one and equal with this reality as myself - but rather choosing to separate myself, because I actually don't want to stand one and equal as that would mean that I'd have to stand one and equal with all the suffering that I've accepted and allowed to exist in and as this world and reality and that I'd have to face all the things I have accepted and allowed to be done onto another that I would not want to be done onto me, all because I just did not care enough -- and that I'd therefore also have to face my 'unworthiness' as a being when it comes to 'life'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that fear is more just an unwillingness to stand one and equal with this world and reality as myself and an unwillingness to face what I have accepted and allowed in and as this world and reality as myself and face my unworthiness as a being -- and face the fact that literally ALL of me has always just been a complete rejection of life as me, a complete unwillingness to take responsibility and to allow things to be done onto another that I would not want to be done onto --- which is the definition of EVIL -- where I always saw what I was accepting and allowing, but I chose to hide behind excuses and justifications so that I could just continue accepting and allowing and would not actually FACE myself and take responsibility for what is HERE

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that fear is just an excuse and a way that I have always used to not face myself and my responsibility in relation to what is here -- to DELIBERATELY victimize myself and create the EXPERIENCE and PERCEPTION that I am 'powerless' and 'disempowered' so that I can tell myself that I am not and cannot be responsible for this world and reality, because apparently I exist in separation of it within and as fear

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that fear as the experience and belief of disempowerment and powerlessness is DELIBERATE - wherein I deliberately make myself feel and believe as though I am 'just a slave' and 'just a victim' of everything that 'happens', because in fact, I am actually shit-scared of facing myself AS this world and reality  - of standing face to face with what I have accepted and allowed in and as this world and reality, with my unworthiness as a being and with the EVIL that is me as the point of 'turning a blind eye' while reality has been suffering and not ever standing up and taking responsibility -- even though I WAS always responsible, I chose to hide and build a fortress around me as the mind consciousness system as just all the different lies and deceptions I could use to keep turning that blind eye and feel justified about it

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that everything in and of the mind is DELIBERATE -- has always been my own choice and creation, based on my unwillingness to face reality and face my responsibility in relation to reality, to face what I have been accepting and allowing by never having taken responsibility for reality as me -- where, instead of being honest with myself about the separation and abdication of responsibility I had been allowing, I actually chose and decided to just deceive myself even more and in fact lose myself as much as possible within the deception, so that I'd forget as much as possible about the 'real me' as life in oneness and equality --- effectively CHOOSING to self-destruct and NEVER face myself, over standing up, being self-honest, facing what I have allowed, and taking responsibility

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that now when I get overwhelmed by fear and when I lose myself in fear and panic, where I feel like I have no stability and where I just BECOME this energy of FEAR -- it's a consequence of having made this decision, that I am going to just lose myself into self-deception as the mind as much as I possibly can so I would never become aware, and having lived this decision throughout my life and existence

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand whenever fear comes up within me, that it's not because I am 'powerless' or a 'victim' but it is in fact the decision that I have made and am living that I just want to lose myself into the mind as the illusion of separation and that I never want to become aware of myself as life and never want to face what I have accepted and allowed in and as life as me

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be real and honest with myself about the actual nature of fear - in terms of the deliberate nature of fear

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that really all that fear does is 'mask' self-honesty, as it creates the experience and illusion that I am completely separated from myself - that I am severed from physical reality, my own body and my entire 'self', where all that exists is just the energy of FEAR as though that's all that's left of me -- and therein it makes me unaware of my REAL SELF as life, of my connection with life, and the fact that I EXIST, that I am HERE, and therefore responsible for what is HERE

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that fear is of my own design, birthed and created from my desire to hide from facing my responsibility and facing LIFE as me - to abdicate my awareness of life as me completely, to the ultimate degree, to eradicate myself, and reduce myself to 'nothing' --- anything to just make sure that I NEVER become aware of life as me EVER

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to essentially decide that what I have accepted and allowed within and as life as me is just too bad, too horrible, too evil and too much for me to be able to face - that my shame and regret would destroy me and that I would never be able to forgive myself - that life would never be able to forgive me -- and that thus the only option I have is to 'self-destruct', to just disappear into oblivion by slowly but surely reducing myself to 'nothing' as I define myself in and as fear energy in the mind - slowly but surely 'forgetting' about my real self and accepting my DOOM and my FATE -- of being simply unworthy of life and of it being 'too late' to be able to face life, or ask for forgiveness or correct anything - where everything I do in fact becomes infused with this belief that on a real actual level, it is too late for me, I am too far gone, there is no forgiveness for me and there is no 'getting back' to life, and the acceptance of my eventual 'destruction' and 'demise' and 'doom'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the belief that what I've accepted and allowed within and as life as me is unforgivable, and that I am therefore 'doomed'  - and must forever live in shame and regret, walking a path of inevitable self-destruction, accepting my fate of being unworthy of life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I basically have no other option than to just accept that I am already 'doomed' and so not even try to ever stand up or face life as me or ask for forgiveness or change as it's already 'too late' -- and so all that I can and should do is just continue existing in shame and regret, while creating more shame and regret as I continue to choose to not stand up

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand, that even shame and regret are excuses and justifications to not simply actually FACE life and reality as me - to not simply do what must be done, which is to stand up and take responsibility for life that is here --- rather than existing in this state of self-disempowerment just because I believe and think that life has rejected me and I am unworthy

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that at the end of the day it doesn't matter whether I am supposedly 'unworthy' or not, because at the end of the day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘worth’ in and as the mind – in and as thoughts, feelings and emotions – as the BELIEF that I am ‘unworthy’ and ‘don’t deserve forgiveness’, instead of rather defining and living the word WORTH on a real, physical level – in terms of appreciating and recognizing each particle, molecule and being in and as the physical reality – and recognizing that all that is here is of equal ‘value’ to ‘me’ and that I must treat every thing, every life form and manifestation one and equally with how I would like to be treated

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that when I live worth on a mind level in terms of thoughts, feelings and emotions, then it is not actually REAL – and that if I do not live WORTH on a physical level, then obviously I would be living unworthiness – and so therefore experience and live unworthiness within and as myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have always felt and believed myself to be ‘unworthy’ – not because ‘life deems me unworthy’, but because I have never LIVED the word WORTH on a real physical level as I’ve always defined it purely in and as the mind, where nothing is ever actually REAL

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in order to ‘be’ worthy I must live the word WORTH on a real, physical level – by recognizing and appreciating every particle and part of this world and reality in oneness and equality with myself, recognizing the value in every singular part of reality as one and equal with me and my ‘value’, and so interacting with my physical world and reality and every part of that reality, from the starting point of that recognition and appreciation of oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that for anything to ever be REAL, it has to be PHYSICALLY LIVED – and that therefore things like ‘fear’ and the belief that ‘I am unworthy’ and ‘I am doomed’ or ‘it’s too late’, are not real as they only exist in and as the realm of the mind – BUT that at the same time, as I am living and accepting these things as ‘real’ in and as the mind, I am simultaneously actually creating them on a physical level and so actually MAKING them real – creating without what exists within, instead of realizing and understanding that it has to actually be the other way around, that I must rather realize and see and understand that in fact what and how I live ‘without’, on a physical level, is the ‘real me’ and is where I decide and define ‘who I really am’ on the ‘inside’

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to live ‘from the outside in’ rather than ‘from the inside out’ – realizing that what is ‘real’ is not what’s ‘inside me’ as the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions – but what is real is actually what’s ‘outside of me’ as this physical world and reality and that therefore anything ‘inside of me’ can only be ‘real’ if and when I live it on a physical level in and as this physical world and reality – where I thus need to actually ‘create’ that ‘me’ through how I live on a physical level

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in fact, because  I was accepting ‘damnation’ to be real on the ‘inside’, as a feeling and a thought that ‘I am doomed’ and that ‘it’s too late’ – I then also ended up actually simultaneously creating it on a physical level as I did not honor life and did not live in a way that recognizes the worth and value of the world and reality I existed in as I did not recognize my own worth and value, creating my own ‘damnation’ simply through neglecting physical reality as I was too busy focusing on how I FEEL inside

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that ‘damnation’ isn’t actually a feeling or experience or thought in and as myself – but is in fact something that I CREATE through for instance neglecting physical reality and not living the word WORTH on a physical level, but being more focused on the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions as ‘distraction’ from what is HERE – where actual ‘damnation’ is thus more a consequence of BELIEVING that ‘I am doomed’ and not recognizing and realizing that BELIEFS ARE NOT REALITY

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and create actual DAMNATION in and as the physical reality – by defining myself in and as the BELIEF that ‘I am doomed’ and to therein then just not care about anything, and neglect myself and my physical reality as I live the statement that ‘it’s too late anyways’, ‘doesn’t matter what I do anyways’, ‘might as well just give up already’ --- instead of realizing and seeing and understanding that the mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions does not decide or define reality, but that I define reality through how I choose to live in and as reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to rather than just accept the thoughts, feelings and emotions that ‘I am doomed’ and of ‘damnation’, decide to live the word WORTH in and as physical reality and so actually CREATE worth as myself

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to look at and investigate the words that I have accepted and allowed myself to live, as in ‘believe’ and ‘accept’ on an internal level, and that I have thus as a consequence also accepted and allowed myself to live and create on an external level in and as physical reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a physical reality that stands one and equal with the unworthiness that I have accepted myself to live within and as me – instead of creating a reality of worth through living worth in and as me as a living word, through recognizing the value of every part of reality as equal with me and so living WORTH as a living statement of WHO I AM

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live WORTH as a living statement of who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word ‘unworthy’ to even exist within me – by defining the word ‘worth’ in and as the mind as a polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘worth’ in and as a polarity in the mind with ‘unworthy’ – in and as feeling and emotional energy – and so to define worthy in and as unworthy

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to simply live the word worth as a LIVING WORD, and not allow unworthy to exist

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word worth by allowing it to be programmed within me and exist within and as a programming of a polarity of worthy and unworthy within me – as a form of judgment of ‘good’ and ‘bad’ as like who gets to go to heaven and who goes to hell based on your apparent ‘worth’ --- instead of realizing and seeing and understanding that every being and life form is inherently equally ‘worthy’ and has equal value --- so there is no such thing as some being ‘worthy’ and others ‘unworthy’ of ‘heaven’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed such a thing to exist as the belief that some beings are worthy and others unworthy of heaven – and that some beings go to hell because they are just not ‘worthy’ of heaven

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the word WORTH and actually live the word worth in a way that is best for all in oneness and equality – as in the realization and understanding that each being is intrinsically and inherently equally valuable and ‘worthy’ of existing in a ‘heaven on earth’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worth as something you need to ‘prove’ and so within and as the belief that we essentially start off as ‘unworthy’ inherently and must prove that we are in fact ‘worthy’

And so I forgive myself that I have therein accepted and allowed myself to believe that thus we ‘deserve’ to live in a ‘hell on earth’ as a sort of ‘middle ground’ where we need to ‘prove’ that we are deserving of heaven after we die, by how we can show and prove our ‘living’ on earth, in terms of our ability to ‘follow rules’ and ‘obey the law’ and ‘obey religion’ and your parents and the system – and that after our time on earth as our ‘trial’, we are judged on whether we are ‘worthy’ of heaven or ‘unworthy’ and go to hell

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in fact earth is what we need to take responsibility of and where we need to CREATE a heaven and yes, prove ourselves worthy of life – through taking responsibility of ourselves AS life and AS God – so proving ourselves worthy to ourselves through our actual living of the word WORTH – where thus we don’t live for or towards something ‘else’ outside of ourselves like ‘God’ or ‘heaven’ but where we actually take responsibility for ourselves as ‘life on earth’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word ‘worth’ in and as ‘war’ – as we’re all at war with each other to prove ourselves ‘worthy’ for our ‘heaven’ after we die – proving to ‘God’ that we do everything ‘right’ in and for the system as money --- because, if money says we are ‘good’ then we must be ‘good’ – therein creating a physical reality as life on earth that is actually ‘unworthy’ as we neglect to see or recognize the actual value of LIFE as what is REAL, as in see the worth in and as ourselves as LIFE rather than just being ‘slaves’ to some invisible God and to money and religion

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that ‘war’ is in fact the reverse of real WORTH – and that thus within our search for ‘worth’ as money – we’ve created the reverse in and as life on earth as we’ve never seen or realized the worth in and as ourselves as physical beings in and as this physical reality --- as we defined ourselves as slaves to ‘heaven’, ‘hell’ and ‘money’

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to recognize and realize and understand that real WORTH is actually about me proving myself worthy of life in and as the physical reality by living the word WORTH as a living statement of WHO I AM as a being – and so about letting go of the illusion of ‘worth’ as a belief in ‘heaven’ and ‘hell’ as something that I will supposedly get after I die, and the belief that earth is just a ‘middle ground’ where I apparently must prove myself ‘worthy’ for what comes ‘after’ life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live towards something that comes after I die – and to define ‘worth’ within and as what comes after I die – instead of realizing worth as a LIVING WORD, which I live HERE, in and as me, in and as self-responsibility

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define worth as just a concept that only exists within and as my mind as thoughts, feelings and emotions – instead of making worth real and realizing my responsibility and my ABILITY to actually LIVE WORTH and so live a HEAVEN ON EARTH which is what I am actually in fact looking for to begin with within and as the desire to be ‘worthy’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that my life and my time here on earth is where I actually have real power and a real ability to create real WORTH, and to create something WORTH-while in and as life on earth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be preoccupied with something ‘after I die’ – instead of cherishing my life and time here on earth to CREATE  the heaven that I am actually looking for and wanting --- realizing and seeing and understanding that REALITY is HERE --- it’s whatever is HERE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider believing that there is anything ‘after I die’, or rather that whatever comes ‘after I die’ is in any way more important or relevant than what is actually   HERE

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that this is how I was programmed, to believe that what comes ‘after’ I die is more important than what is HERE – so that I wouldn’t recognize and realize my actual power and ability to CREATE and be a CREATOR in and as this physical world and existence

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live WORTH as a living word in terms of making the most of every moment, making the most of reality as what is here, in every moment -- cherishing and celebrating the gift of life that I have and that is here in every moment of breath -- making the most of my gift and ability and power to CREATE here as I exist in this physical world and reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that when I die it's going to be all over - I will have simply missed my chance and opportunity to physically CREATE as I won't be part of this physical reality anymore -- and that thus it's the reverse of what I have always believed and that rather than living for the future, towards what apparently will 'come after death', I need to live for what is HERE, in and as this MOMENT, as that is really all the opportunity i get to create and live, so I better make the absolute best of it

I forgive myself that I've never accepted and allowed myself to actually be IN the moment - to really embrace and cherish and appreciate and fully experience the moment -- in and as the appreciation that I get to be here, and get to have the opportunity to live and express and create

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to actually be ALIVE, as in living in and as this physical world and reality as LIFE within and as AWARENESS of myself as life as the physical -- by having defined myself in and as thoughts, feelings and emotions wherein I'm always living towards something that isn't HERE - like an idea of heaven or hell

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that i have never even realized or understood what it even means to be ALIVE, to truly LIVE -- as I have never been aware of the physical reality as me but have been defining myself in and as the mind in separation of the physical

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to even realize and see and understand that the physical reality is the only thing that's actually real

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself so much in and as the mind as what isnt real that i even believed that the physical reality as what is HERE isn't real and that the mind as consciousness is the only thing that's real

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to STAND in and as the physical body, in and as the realization that the physical body and reality is ME as REALITY

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to ever even be aware of the physical body and reality as me - but to rather suppress the sensations and experiences that are actually real, that are PHYSICAL -- and to see and define physical sensations and experiences as more just 'annoying' and 'nuisances' that I have to 'deal with', as I see the physical body as just a 'vessel' for the mind where i believe that the physical must be suppressed as much as possible so that I can just exist in and as the mind and don't have to 'deal with' any physical experiences

I forgive myself that I've never accepted and allowed myself to even consider that it's all in reverse and that in fact it's the physical sensations and experiences that are real and that it's the mind's experiences that aren't real, and that thus it's the physical reality that must be honored and it's the mind that must be 'suppressed' as in 'ignored' and 'done away with'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the physical body and existence is just a 'vessel' for the mind -- and that thus the physical reality must not be considered and must be suppressed --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that without the physical reality, the mind would not even be able to exist -- and the the physical body is in fact the 'birthplace' of life -- as this which the mind derives its 'life' from

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to recognize the physical reality -- and to see and realize and understand that I have always been so obsessed with a 'desire for recognition', mostly because I just never recognized the physical as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever even consider suppressing the physical body - instead of honoring it as the birthplace of everything, as LIFE itself as that which IS everything

and i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ever even consider believing that I am the mind and defining myself in and as the mind as the suppression of the physical body -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that I am the physical body

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget who I really am and to lose myself in and as the mind - actually becoming the reverse of who I really am, and so basically becoming as separated and far away from my real self as possible --- to the point where I just sort of accept that there is no way I can ever get 'back' to my real self as the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept that there is no way I can ever get back to my real self as the physical because I have just accepted and allowed so much harm and suppression of it to exist within and as myself by defining myself in and as the mind -- so how could the physical ever forgive me

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it isnt really the physical that hasnt forgiven me but more just me as I don't trust that I will truly change 'for good' - i rather assume that I will simply fall again and do the whole thing all over again, forgetting who I really am as I once did before -- and so therefore don't see why I should forgive and give myself a chance, when clearly it's been so easy to just 'forget' and to abuse and betray

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that, if anything, it is because I never forgave myself, that I have accepted and allowed things to get to this point and that I have just continued to forget and lose myself more and more and more -- because I never lived UNCONDITIONAL FORGIVENESS as the solution, as unconditional forgiveness is LIFE

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even consider unconditional forgiveness -- and to only consider unconditional PUNISHMENT as a solution -- as the idea that one must be punished for one's 'transgressions' -- that I must be punished because I lost myself and forgot about who I really am --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that punishment IS the lostness and forgetfulness, as who I really am as life IS unconditional forgiveness, and that thus I don't need to go and try to 'earn' my forgiveness or the 'forgiveness of life' -- I must simply LIVE forgiveness as who I really am as life

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider and realize that maybe more punishment and so more inner conflict and war and suppression and blame and anger isn’t actually the solution – and that perhaps the solution is actually to just unconditionally let go within and as unconditional forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed to believe in punishment as in holding on to the past and holding the past against me and defining myself according to the past and according to the ‘things I did wrong’

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never even consider forgiveness as a solution for EVERYTHING that is ‘wrong’ with the world, and everything that is ‘wrong’ with me – to unconditionally forgive and let go

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it’s actually when I accepted and defined myself in and as PUNISHMENT as blame and anger and guilt, that I separated myself from life in and as the physical as me – because LIFE in and as the physical as me is unconditional forgiveness

So I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to unconditionally forgive, rather than want to and react with blame, punishment, judgment, anger, guilt

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that PUNISHMENT is the separation of myself from life in and as the physical – as the trauma that is done onto the physical as self turns against self and others within and as REACTIONS

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have to LIVE the solution to the ‘problem’ – the problem of reactions, anger, blame, war, conflict --- the solution being unconditional forgiveness, unconditionally letting go

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to live the SOLUTION rather than just living reactions to the ‘problem’ – and to see and understand that those reactions are actually the very problem

When and as I see that I am existing in a belief that I am unworthy of existing in this world and unworthy of life, because of how I have defined myself and existed in and as the mind – then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that I have just come to define the word WORTH in and as the mind in a polarity with the word unworthy --- in and as the belief that ‘worth’ exists in and as the mind in and as thoughts, feelings and emotions connected with a belief in ‘heaven’ and ‘hell’ as what apparently happens after I die based on how I am ‘judged’ as either ‘worthy’ or ‘unworthy’ – and so have defined worth in and as self-interest as the belief in my ‘soul’ and the desire that I must go to heaven after I die

I see and realize and understand that real WORTH is not based in a polarity with unworthy, and does not exist in the mind, nor is connected with the soul construct or whatever may or may not happen ‘after death’ – but that real WORTH exists within and as the physical reality, within and as recognizing and considering each part and particle of the physical reality as equal in value with myself – and honoring the physical reality through living in a way that directs the physical reality to an outcome that is best for all as me, and creating a HEAVEN on earth

I see and realize and understand that real actual WORTH is not a feeling or experience or a thought, but is something that I CREATE on a physical level, within physical reality, through honoring each part of the physical reality in oneness and equality with myself and actually creating the ‘heaven’ that I have always been looking for in a physical way in and as physical reality

I see and realize and understand that worth is not something that is decided after I die, but is something that I have to LIVE and make a REALITY and CREATE in a physical way in and as life on earth, for it to be in any way real – where not ‘God’ or some invisible force, needs to give me ‘worth’, but I need to give myself worth by CREATING it and LIVING it in and as this physical world and existence

I see and realize and understand that, I have actually been living UNWORTHINESS by living within and as a desire for ‘worth’ and defining ‘worth’ as something that happens after I die, where it will apparently be decided whether I am ‘worthy’ or not of ‘going to heaven’ – as I’ve been too preoccupied with what supposedly happens after I die in and as the mind, to care for the physical reality that is HERE, and I have been neglecting this physical world and reality as what is actually REAL, and so creating a physical reality that is a manifestation of the ‘unworthiness’ that I have accepted and allowed within myself

I see and realize and understand that by being preoccupied in the mind by what happens after I die, I haven’t been noticing or realizing what is actually real as this physical world and reality – and I haven’t been actually caring for or even really noticing this physical world and reality, as I always believed the mind to be more real

I see and realize and understand that in fact the physical reality is the birthplace of life, and that in fact the mind cannot exist without the physical – and that it’s thus the physical reality that I must honor, rather than the mind

I see and realize and understand that who I really am is the physical reality as life as what is HERE – and that this is where real power exists – as the power to CREATE a heaven on earth through how I LIVE and EXIST in and as this physical reality

I see and realize and understand that I have never realized or birthed myself in and as the physical, because I have defined myself in and as the programming of PUNISHMENT – as the belief that I cannot be forgiven for having forgotten who I really am as life in and as the physical and for having gotten lost in and as the mind as the REVERSE of who I really am

I see and realize and understand that in fact it is this point of punishment that is the actual separation from life in and as the physical – and that it’s not that life cannot or will not forgive me, but that I’ve defined myself in and as punishment rather than unconditional forgiveness

As I see and realize and understand that life in and as the physical is unconditional forgiveness and that I have simply never stood as life because I never lived unconditional forgiveness – as I believed I must be PUNISHED and must hold the past against me and must react to myself and my ‘transgressions’ rather than unconditionally forgive and let go

I see and realize and understand that this ‘punishment programming’ IS the problem and that the solution as life is to unconditionally forgive and let go

I see and realize and understand that I have never realized or embraced or stood as life in and as the physical as who I really am, not because I am ‘unworthy’ of ‘forgiveness’ or because I need to be punished – but because I have never LIVED unconditional forgiveness, which is what life really is

I see and realize and understand that all I need to do to stand as life and realize myself as life in and as the physical is just let go of the punishment programming as the belief that I must be punished for the past – and UNCONDITIONALLY FORGIVE myself and therein stand as life in and as the physical

I commit myself to live the word WORTH as a living word by placing all my focus and attention onto the physical reality as what is REAL, rather than on the mind as what is not real – and so to honor the physical reality instead of the mind and live in a way that will create WORTH as a heaven on earth, wherein each being and each part and particle of life on earth is honored and supported and valued in oneness and equality – and so actually CREATING a HEAVEN ON EARTH rather than wasting my time and existence here on earth within and as the belief that somehow what comes after I die is more important than what is here as actual LIFE

I commit myself to live WORTH by essentially using and cherishing and appreciating the time that I have in this life here on earth to the fullest, to CREATE a heaven on earth, and so use the power that I have as a living being in and as this physical world and reality to actually create the heaven that I have always been looking for

I commit myself to live unconditional forgiveness as what life really is – and therein let go of the separation I have always perceived and created through defining myself in and as punishment

So I commit myself to let go of punishment as the separation from life as me – as I see that it’s not actually the things I am punishing myself for that causes the separation, but actually the fact that I participate in punishment as anger, reactions, blame and guilt that actually separates me from life as me, as punishment is the reverse of what life really is as unconditional forgiveness

So I commit myself to unconditionally forgive myself and to live unconditional forgiveness as life in and as the physical and therein stand and embrace myself in and as life

I commit myself to thus LIVE the solution as unconditional forgiveness – realizing that that’s the solution to all of life’s ‘problems’ – to all of the ‘human’s programming’ as reactions and anger and conflict – rather than reacting to the problems with the actual problem as punishment and therein just exacerbating the problem as reactions as punishment