Living BALANCE

This is a continuation of my previous blog "Fear of the Homeless"

Why don't I see 'taking care of myself' and 'doing what is necessary to be done to change the world', like blogging, vlogging, coaching, etc., as also 'my job'?

I mean, why do I keep on expecting or waiting for myself to somehow 'want to do it', rather than forcing myself to do it in the same way I force myself to get up everyday to go to work and do the work that's necessary to be done at my 'job'?

Nobody said that 'changing the world' is something I have to 'like' or even 'want' lol. It's just 'what's necessary to be done'. Just like with any job. You gotta get up every morning, and wash yourself, put clothes on, get in your car, drive to work and then spend like eight hours doing all sorts of stuff and following all sorts of orders and instructions. And that's like eight, nine, ten hours a day!

And, yes, it's unfortunate that the job you do doesn't already include or exist in the context of what is best for all. And that, outside of those ten hours a day that we spend on our 'system job', we have to now also work on changing that system, which requires equal dedication, commitment and consistency as your 'system job'. It also requires us to 'show up' every day and 'do the work'. Because, if it relies on what we 'want' or 'like' or 'feel like' doing, it's just not going to get done. Just like, most likely, if you showing up to your job everyday relied on what you felt like doing, you probably wouldn't do it. Or you'd at least probably show up later, work less, and put less effort into it.

And yes I do see the time that I am not at work as my 'leisure time'. The time I need to 'recharge'. By doing the things that I WANT to do, rather than HAVE TO do. And so I will fit in doing things like blogging and vlogging, doing my Mind Construct and working on my coaching business according to what I 'feel like' doing, rather than sort of scheduling it in the way that I do my job - where it's also a point of 'have to'. Where I HAVE TO show up at a certain time to do certain things and get a certain 'job done'. And where I can't just wander off, distracting myself with other things, just like I can't do that at my system job.

The way I see it, this 'need for leisure time' outside of work, is more a consequence of me not actually taking proper care of myself WHILE I am at work. Where I often for instance over-exert myself in my tasks, or don't take a bathroom/lunch/food break when my body is actually asking for it or when I reasonably can and should. And where I am just overall not very  comfortable or settled within myself, and so am in a sort of constant state of 'stress' or 'tension'. And it's only when I get home that all that tension and stress 'releases' and I feel like now I get to 'relax' and 'get comfortable'.

But then that 'relaxation' and 'comfort' just goes overboard and into the extreme as it tries to compensate for the excessive amounts of stress and tension I was placing myself under all day. While, ideally, I should be stable, comfortable and relaxed all day, so that when I come home there isn't that sense of RELIEF, because I wouldn't NEED it.

Because really, within this polarity of STRESS AND TENSION while at work and then ABSOLUTE RELAXATION AND COMFORT when I'm home, I'm actually two times a slave. I am a wage-slave as I slave away at my job, and I am a slave to whatever points of 'entertainment' I believe I need to 'unwind' and 'chill out'. But above all, I am a slave to the mind, as within neither points, I am really 'alive'. I'm just a slave to energy.

So essentially, what I need is 'balance'. A little bit of the structure and dedication and 'have to' from my system job into my time outside of work, and a little bit of the relaxation and comfort from my time outside of work into my system job. Balancing it out. So that, in a way it doesn't matter what I do or where I do it. Whether it's labeled 'work' or 'leisure time'. What matters is that I am balanced on the inside. And that 'balance' isn't this energy-game that I play between 'stress' and 'relaxation', but that it's actually something that I live in a constant and consistent way. Within properly taking care of myself in every moment, no matter where I am or what I am doing. And so essentially not treating myself like 'just a slave', but honoring myself through listening to my real physical needs. 'Doing the work' and 'doing what's necessary to be done', but at the same time also taking care of myself and making sure that I am comfortable and relaxed and not placing any pressure or tension or stress on myself.

Living in the System

Having listened to these two interviews, what stood out for me from it is essentially my relationship with 'the system'. How I'm essentially disconnecting myself from the world-system of 'survival'.

I mean, I spent over two years on the Desteni Farm, where I then met Paul, and pretty much right after leaving the Farm moved all the way to Canada to start my life with him. And I never actually considered or realized what a HUGE step that actually was for me. To go from one extreme to the other. From the farm, where I essentially enjoyed a life of unconditional support and relaxation and 'calm', to Canada, where everything, including my 'married life', was entirely new to me and I'd have to integrate into the system almost from the ground up.

I didn't realize back then what a massive amount of stress and pressure I actually started experiencing, especially when I started my first job there. So looking back, it's no surprise that shortly after I stepped into my first job in the system, I started having issues with my intestines.

And the thing is that, yes there was a lot of stress with being in that new environment. In a different system from what I was used to, having to speak a different language, being surrounded mostly by people I didn't know. But it was also the relationship that I had already come to create and establish with regards to 'the system' and 'living and working in the system', already way before that. Where even growing up and looking at my parents and grandparents I saw the way they lived and existed in so much stress and fear, where they'd become essentially 'systematized' in their very expressions because of it. And I decided within myself that I don't want that for myself. I don't want my 'spirit' to be 'crushed' and molded and shaped and transformed into a system like that. I want to remain a 'free spirit'.

I decided basically to reject 'the system', and to reject my parents' and grandparents' way of living. So I created as little 'ties' to the system as I could. Evading as much responsibility as possible. I 'vowed' that I wouldn't get married, I wouldn't get a degree and do the whole 'professional life' thing, I wouldn't have kids. I wouldn't do any of the things my parents did, so that I could remain 'free from getting sucked into the system'.

I mean, it's how I then ended up with Desteni lol, so I guess it wasn't all bad. But basically within making those decisions, I created a disconnect from the system AS me. Defining myself as entirely separate from 'the system', instead of realizing that it was never actually 'the system' that was the issue. The issue that I was reacting to with regards to my parents was their stress and fear which they allowed to define and direct and consume them. The fact that they didn't sort of have a 'freedom' about them, and their self-expressions. That so much of them was entirely encapsulated and enclosed by FEAR.

So I created a 'problem' out of the wrong thing, and therein ended up separating myself from myself as essentially my potential to be an effective and efficient living being in this world. By not realizing or considering that 'the system' cannot 'make me' go into fear and stress. And 'the system' is not responsible for that fear and stress. The fear and stress is my own choice in terms of what I accept and allow within and as me. 'The system' is just that; a system. It's a sort of structure or place-holder for 'life on earth'. A collection of 'agreements' that might allow for us all to 'live together'. Not saying that right now we've got a functioning structure lol, but it's got potential.

So, now having this already 'broken' relationship, of 'rejection' and judgment, with 'the system', just created added stress within me as I started living in the system - being in a married relationship, and performing in a job. Now I'm not just working with whatever fears and stress I may have unconsciously copied from my parents in relation to the system, but I'm also dealing with my own stressful and emotionally charged relationship with words like 'wife', 'being a worker', 'survival', 'having a job', 'having a career', 'professionalism', 'earning money', 'paying bills', 'getting by', 'being part of society', 'doing my duties'.

So I've got some 'balancing out' and 'clearing out' and 'aligning' to do in relation to the system and specifically my accepted and allowed relationship with these words, so that my relationship with it is not one of fear but one of oneness and equality - recognizing the system as an extension of myself  and standing in and as my potential to be an effective and efficient living being in and as this world(-system).