Things are not Alright

So the point that's been becoming abundantly clear is that, I am so extremely self-dishonest that I truly do not 'deserve' to be a part of existence. That if I don't in every moment 'force' myself into self-honesty, I WILL find ways to 'fuck around', and avoid the point of self-honesty at all cost.

Like, my 'default' mode is 'rampant self-dishonesty'. And so it takes RADICAL discipline and effort to change that. There's just no other way. It's really like 'give me a hand and I'll take an arm' sort of situation here. Like, give me ANY leeway, ANY small little opening or opportunity to sabotage, and hide, and avoid and twist and deceive, and I will. I simply 'cannot be trusted' lol.

And so there's just a constant tendency to sort of go into 'love and light'. To give sort of a 'positive spin' on things and hang out more in the 'positive' and 'lightheartedness'. Where, 'oh, things are not so bad', and 'oh, I am actually quite an innocent being', and 'oh it's all just the mind. It's not really my fault'. It's kind of like looking for a 'pat on the back'.

Like, Ok I went through all that bad stuff and I felt bad about myself. Let's not do that again. So the 'programming' there is like having that constant 'see-sawing' and 'back-and-forth' of 'oh I'm bad', 'oh no I'm good', 'oh no I'm bad', 'oh no I'm actually good'. Rather than just staying in the 'bad' so to speak. Cause the 'bad' is sort of just pointing out your 'mistakes' or your 'flaws' basically. The stuff you KNOW you 'did wrong'. The things about you that you know you need to change and just aren't 'alright'.

But it's just this constant 'movement' or 'tendency' towards the sort of 'comforting' and 'approval' and 'reassurance'. For someone or something to just tell you that "oh it's all alright actually. Don't worry about it". When, actually, you know what. Yeah, you should be 'worrying' about it. As in you should be actively trying to change it. And so, in a sense, you should feel 'uncomfortable' about it, as a 'reminder' that 'things are not alright' and that there is an 'urgency' to change yourself.

But the 'programming' is basically to believe that the 'good', the 'positive', the 'lightheartedness', is the 'normal'. The 'default'. That's how I 'should experience myself', at the end of the day. And that the 'bad', is always only for a moment. That's why it's often so 'unfathomable' when things happen that sort of completely take away all chance of going back to that 'positive normal'. Like a relationship break-up, or losing your job, getting some terminal illness, losing something/someone valuable in your life, things like that. When really, those kind of events are only showing you that your 'positive normal' is a LIE. And that the ACTUAL 'default' is the 'negative'.

How is Blame a Laziness of Self?

This is a continuation from the previous blog post "What does it really mean to care for others?"

A place where I can already see that I can start applying that self-honesty and humbleness is in relation to my thoughts and reactions to other people. I've noticed that when it comes to other people I have actually been thinking and believing myself to be 'self-honest' and 'humble' yet when I had a real honest look at my actual thoughts then I had to realize that I'm actually not at all!

There's a lot of thoughts and reactions I 'let slide'. Mostly it's reactions and thoughts of judgment where I'm judging someone for not being more like who I believe I am or should be. That means that what I judge about people is when I perceive they're not being humble. There's a reaction of annoyance or even hate that comes up in me, it's a pretty intense reaction.

So, why is there such an intense reaction to this particular point? Really it's cause I see them do what I am actually secretly doing in my own mind. I am not humble at all within my mind. I do the equivalent of boasting and attention-seeking in my mind. I react so intensely to others doing it because it's just something that I am not honest about with myself. So, my reaction is there to show me what I am not being self-honest about. I mean, as I realized in the previous post, I don't know how to really be humble because I've just never done it.

So one way I can practically start applying and living humbleness in these situations is to, whenever I find myself reacting to how I see someone else behaving, immediately look at what my reaction is showing me about what I'm not being honest about with myself. To immediately realize that this reaction is about me, not the other person. It's for me to learn from about myself.

Humbleness is thus like the reverse of blame. Where, in blame you point fingers outward, like arrows shooting out, but with humbleness all the fingers or arrows point towards self. There's very much a self-responsibility. There's also a lot more effort involved with being humble, because now I actually have to take ownership of what I used to just blame or project on others.

Blame is very much like laziness. It's laziness of self. Maybe that's why it's called 'B-lame'. It's easy to blame another person. It takes a lot more effort to actually look into "OK why am I reacting this way, what can I learn from this reaction and how can I do things differently?"

I've definitely been very lazy throughout my life. Never really put much effort into my life and was rather chasing quick energy fixes instead of working and building on something that will pay off in the long run. I'm realizing that that laziness also exists on an internal level in terms of just not being humble. But it's funny that I would then go and think of myself as 'humble' when it's actually the complete reverse.