Things are not Alright

So the point that's been becoming abundantly clear is that, I am so extremely self-dishonest that I truly do not 'deserve' to be a part of existence. That if I don't in every moment 'force' myself into self-honesty, I WILL find ways to 'fuck around', and avoid the point of self-honesty at all cost.

Like, my 'default' mode is 'rampant self-dishonesty'. And so it takes RADICAL discipline and effort to change that. There's just no other way. It's really like 'give me a hand and I'll take an arm' sort of situation here. Like, give me ANY leeway, ANY small little opening or opportunity to sabotage, and hide, and avoid and twist and deceive, and I will. I simply 'cannot be trusted' lol.

And so there's just a constant tendency to sort of go into 'love and light'. To give sort of a 'positive spin' on things and hang out more in the 'positive' and 'lightheartedness'. Where, 'oh, things are not so bad', and 'oh, I am actually quite an innocent being', and 'oh it's all just the mind. It's not really my fault'. It's kind of like looking for a 'pat on the back'.

Like, Ok I went through all that bad stuff and I felt bad about myself. Let's not do that again. So the 'programming' there is like having that constant 'see-sawing' and 'back-and-forth' of 'oh I'm bad', 'oh no I'm good', 'oh no I'm bad', 'oh no I'm actually good'. Rather than just staying in the 'bad' so to speak. Cause the 'bad' is sort of just pointing out your 'mistakes' or your 'flaws' basically. The stuff you KNOW you 'did wrong'. The things about you that you know you need to change and just aren't 'alright'.

But it's just this constant 'movement' or 'tendency' towards the sort of 'comforting' and 'approval' and 'reassurance'. For someone or something to just tell you that "oh it's all alright actually. Don't worry about it". When, actually, you know what. Yeah, you should be 'worrying' about it. As in you should be actively trying to change it. And so, in a sense, you should feel 'uncomfortable' about it, as a 'reminder' that 'things are not alright' and that there is an 'urgency' to change yourself.

But the 'programming' is basically to believe that the 'good', the 'positive', the 'lightheartedness', is the 'normal'. The 'default'. That's how I 'should experience myself', at the end of the day. And that the 'bad', is always only for a moment. That's why it's often so 'unfathomable' when things happen that sort of completely take away all chance of going back to that 'positive normal'. Like a relationship break-up, or losing your job, getting some terminal illness, losing something/someone valuable in your life, things like that. When really, those kind of events are only showing you that your 'positive normal' is a LIE. And that the ACTUAL 'default' is the 'negative'.

The Potential Me vs the Actual Me

This is a continuation of my previous post "Let me be Bad"

So there's basically a 'potential you', as in the 'best version of you', but then there's also the 'actual you', as just the 'reality' of how you're existing. And it's kind of like you're existing in the middle of these two, deciding in every moment which one you 'really are'.

But I've found that, when you're not entirely clear with yourself about 'where you're at' within it all, it's sort of easy or 'easier' to 'revert' to 'what you're used to' and 'who and how you've always been'. Which is essentially the 'you' in the mind. Cause it's kind of like, you're not entirely clear about the fact that, you do face a 'choice' in every moment. So you kind of just go into 'default mode'.

So it's good to 'clarify' with yourself what exactly your 'potential' is and what your 'default mode' is. So you can 'empower' yourself to be an 'educated voter' lol when it comes to yourself. For instance my 'default mode' is to go into thoughts and energies of comparison, self-glorification, superiority, specialness and self-importance. But I know that my 'potential', as in simply 'what is best' lol but also sort of my 'best self' and who I know I am deep down sort of, is in fact entirely 'self-less'. To in fact have no 'self' but to be very much 'involved' with 'others' and the reality around me. To thus not even 'exist' at all as my 'self' IS 'other beings'. Living more 'externally' than 'internally'. And yet, somehow throughout my life I've ONLY been existing 'internally'.

And this is also the thing, that your default mode is like the complete opposite of your potential. So the more you 'give in' to the 'default', the further you're moving away from your potential, and the more difficult it'll become to move into your potential. But then that's just the way it's been designed. You didn't think realizing yourself would be 'easy', did you? lol

So you want to basically be able to 'tell' when you're clearly just existing 'by default', so it doesn't end up 'going under the radar'. So you don't end up 'slipping' into it, unnoticed. So you want to just get REAL familiar with your 'programming'. Or, I do anyways lol, cause I am just talking to myself mostly here. And I have definitely been noticing just how 'lenient' I have actually been. Sort of just letting things 'fly under the radar' and go 'unchecked'. Things I really should be directing a lot better. Because too many times I do find myself 'lost' within the mind because of the thoughts and energies I believed were 'harmless'. But then having to realize that I did also 'lose' whatever 'potential' I was at some point seeing for and of myself.

So realizing how important it is to clarify for myself exactly what my 'potential' is, so I can effectively 'make my choice' in those moments when I tend to 'lose myself' the most.

The True Test is the Positive

This is a continuation of my previous post "Why don't you just Change?"

The same goes for the 'internal change'. As long as you're still digging around for 'why' you're like this or that or 'why' you're not yet like this or that, you're essentially looking for excuses to not simply change.

Because, change is something you DON'T WANT lol So, yeah, you're GOING to try and find excuses to not go there. Your mind's going to bring out the big guns. Cause, what does change REALLY mean?

Change means that you have to give up on, not just the things that 'don't feel nice', but actually mostly the things that do. And the only reason why the 'unpleasant' things exist is because there are the 'pleasant' things that you just don't want to give up. If you really wanted to change, you'd be changed already.

The real problems is the desires. And not even the obvious ones. I'm talking about the desires that have become 'part of you'. That's created just a constant 'feeling' experience which you believe is just 'you'. The desires which you don't even recognize as desires. I'm talking about the just 'general' experience of yourself in any given moment.

I mean it's scary stuff, actually. In a way it's 'easy' to give up on and change the negative stuff. It's the positive that you gotta watch out for. That's the 'real' stuff. The stuff you don't actually want to let go of. The stuff that's really going to test you.

ARE you going to actually let go of the things you don't WANT to let go of? Cause I mean, we're talking about addictions you've spent your whole life developing here. Addiction to energy. To feeling energy, however subtle. And, it's subtle!

It takes some radical self-honesty to face the positive in a way where you truly transcend it. Not only that but, your 'reflex' of going into these positive experiences is so 'natural' and 'automatic', that you have to constantly and continuously stop yourself and 'slap yourself in the face' so to speak. Splash some cold water in your face so you 'stay sober' and remain 'here'.

This is the REAL process. Where you have to walk through the eye of the needle. And prove to yourself, life and existence that you can truly give up on the mind.

Why Don't you Just Change?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Where to Start with Practical Change?"

 There's a tendency to want to keep writing about 'why' things are the way they are. 'Why' am I still in a point? 'Why' am I not yet changed?

But there's an interesting thing about this 'why' point. It messes with your self-direction. Instead of moving in a straight line from point A to point B, asking "Why am I still in point A?" and "Why am I not yet at point B?", just 'scrambles' your ability to simply put one foot in front of the other towards point B.

And in fact, it's a deliberate self-sabotage programming. Asking, "Why?" It actually comes from a resistance to just go to point B full steam ahead. Because, you can actually see that it would be easy. That it's really just a matter of 'doing' what needs to be done. And that if you just made the decision, you'd already be at point B.

But there's a part of you that doesn't want to go there. A part of you that wants to hold on to the 'old' and that's not ready to change. That part of you will do whatever it needs to keep you in your 'comfort zone'. And it knows just how to do that.

One major way it does that is by taking your focus away from where you want to go as point B, by creating a whole lot of 'internal objections'. There's suddenly all these 'internal movements' that start taking place. And you feel like you need to direct all of it, and it's taking up a lot of your focus. Before you know it, you're more caught up into the apparent 'why' things are or aren't happening, than actually making it happen.

Because the truth is, that you simply don't want to 'make it happen'. You're just looking for excuses to hold yourself back and not make the simple decision to change.

Where to Start with Practical Change?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Forgetting Why we Do what we Do"

The performing monkey. You catch a glimpse sometimes of what's really hiding behind everything. And in that one moment letting go of all of it seems like the only thing that makes sense. After all, how could you just go back to things when you see so clearly that it's always been a lie? It seems like, that one realization is like a new breath of life. And you can start all over again. 

But the reality is different. Yes, you have a deeper understanding, and you realized something. And yes, it was substantial and transcendental. BUT, you don't actually transcend the mind by realizing something in just one moment. Because, what is the mind? The mind is a machine that stands equal with the physical body. It's infused into every little part and particle of 'you' within and as the body.

And, just like the body will continue pumping blood and doing it's 'normal routine', so will the mind simply continue it's routine. And, so will you within your body and mind, go back to your routine.

That's why, realizations are worthless. If you really want to change, you need to start getting practical. Figure out how the machine works in real-time and start changing the real-time moments.

How does the machine around the performing monkey programming operate in real-time? And what are the behaviors that I can start practically changing in moments? What behaviors am I doing from a starting point of 'performing', where I'm creating a 'separation' from my expression?

It's not easy, walking this 'real-time' process. Catching myself 'in the act'. Because, as I said, it's all routine. And I've never questioned that routine before. It was 'working for me'. Very dysfunctionally, sure, but it was working enough for me to not feel the need to question it.

Directed, Influenced and Defined by Desires

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Earn your Freedom"

There's actually quite a few 'desires' that I've been 'serving' as my 'masters'. Things I haven't really been honest about with myself. Desires that have just become 'part of me' and so I haven't been questioning them. Only now I'm starting to actually see that yes in fact I have been giving my power away to these desires and I haven't been 'standing' as a self-directed individual.

And with looking at the extent to which I've defined myself in those desires, it's actually looking like quite a challenge when I think about transcending them. So, just like I realized in my previous post, all I can do at this point is humble myself before the desires and at least just be honest with myself that yes I have become a slave to them. And no, I am not in fact real, as I am directed, influenced and defined by desires.

And, within being honest about it, get myself out of the point of laziness as I'm now having to 'become equal to my master' and so put the work and effort in that's required. Cause when you're at a point of self-honesty, you kind of have no choice but to push through and change. It's easy to not change things about yourself when you're not aware of them. But once you become aware, there's no going back. There is a responsibility that comes with seeing and being aware.

So now the process becomes, how to transcend and change a desire? The first step in that would be to pinpoint all the habits that support and sustain the desire. And then change those.