Relaxation is...

 

So there's this one point that keeps coming back in my process. Which is that I need to RELAX. And it keeps coming back meaning that I will see the utmost importance of having to relax for me specifically, as i will in a moment see the extensive amount of stress and pressure I and my body is on in general and how it's destroying my body specifically. And I'll be like 'oh shit I need to find a way to relax!' and realize that needs to be my absolute priority in my process. 

But then somehow, that 'utmost importance' sort of fades and after a while I find myself at the same point only worse this time because I did not listen and so have now put even more strain on my body - rather than having actually focused and worked on the solution, being: relaxation. I always find more, and other things important. Like oh I need to do writing and self-forgiveness, and color readings, and this and that and the other thing.  Focusing on all these different things that I 'need to do' and completely losing track of what I realized as actually important.

So this time what came up was this experience of just being so 'tired'. My body being tired. Me being tired. So tired that I'm ready to just give up and call it quits. I'm ready to die. 'I can't go on fighting anymore'. And it kind of frightened me in a way, this experience. Because, I don't get depressed. But this was like legit depression on a very physical level. And so I had a look at what have I been doing to myself to get myself to that point? For that to be my actual experience on a physical level. And I realized I've been working myself up so much again. So much stress and so much pressure again, that I'd been accepting and allowing within me on a constant bases.

So this prompted me to look at: Ok how to RELAX? And what does it mean to 'relax'? Is it just doing some meditation techniques every once in a while or is there more to it? I realized that to relax for me is mostly to accept myself. To stop looking for 'more'. To be content with where I'm at and where my life is at. To stop trying to force things because I'm thinking that my life should be different. So what if I'm working a 'dead end job'? So what if I am working six days a week? So what if that is all there is and possibly will ever be to my life?

To relax is to be content with how things are. To not be in that survival mode of thinking about the future and having and needing to create something 'more' and 'better'. I mean yes I can obviously create something different for myself and direct my life, but it won't be based on any survival based energy drive. It'll be a point of self-expression and -enjoyment. And for that, I need to first settle in and be content with where I'm at right now, and embrace that. Because, maybe all the things that I've been focusing on to try and 'make more of my life and self', isn't even really what is best for me per se and isn't really aligned with my self-expression. Because part of my starting point has been this point of 'I want more'. And that can really smother self-expression and -enjoyment.

What's important for me is to not have 'more', but to actually let go and sort of sink into what is HERE and, it sounds cliche but, finding the 'more' in what's already here. And for me that means walking through and releasing the points of stress and pressure and finding that point of 'relaxing'. Through for instance, as and while I am working, being in the moment. Not going into that 'rushing' experience I so easily slip into. Where I'm busy working on a million things at once. And am juggling many different ideas of all the things I could still do. And I'm already thinking about the next thing. And am really sort of on my tail 'as though the very whips of my masters were behind me'.

A lot of which also has to do with memory programming where during my childhood I was in a way 'rushed' in that sense, or rather felt that I was. And felt as though I could not relax, because relaxing and 'taking it easy' was in a way seen as 'laziness'. So now there is the greatest resistance to taking it slow and easy and steady within 'relaxing'. Where for instance I pay attention to what I am realistically able to handle, or simply move at the pace of the physical breath and don't rush myself through my tasks using adrenaline energy, trying to get everything done at once. So that I found was something that's come up with forcing myself to take it slow. A fear of being seen as 'lazy', and a belief that people would JUDGE my 'relaxing' as 'laziness' and something 'bad'. Even though, I'm still getting the job done. I am just moving at a slightly slower pace as I am just being more considerate of what I am realistically physically able to do from moment to moment without straining myself. And so am not 'miss perfect' anymore who magically gets everything done and more, but am also more 'relaxed' with how I do my tasks. 

Another point that's come up that's been contributing to my constant stress-level, is a 'fear of people'. But that's something to open up for my next blog.

Putting my foot down

This is a continuation of my previous post "When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing".


I am currently in the process of learning to 'put my foot down', after I realized that it's something I sort of never learned to do. My parents never really 'put their foot down'. Or at least, I always found ways to be able to lift that foot lol. There was always ways to 'manipulate' and 'get around' the foot. A lot of 'insecurities' and 'doubts', which they weren't even aware of, that I could exploit and take advantage of to still get my way. And so I more learned that I can ALWAYS 'get away with' doing what I want, as long as I know how to manipulate.

And I've found that even in my process, in relation to myself, I have that attitude. Of manipulating myself to still get away with self-interest and abuse, and exploit whatever insecurities and doubts I have to make me waver in my decision to not accept any abuse. To still 'get around' the foot that I'm trying to put down. Of giving myself the run-around and messing with my 'authority' in the same way that I messed with my parents' authority - just because I could.

Because yes, there was a weakness, and it needs to be exploited lol. Because yes, my parents should have been more steadfast, assertive and certain of themselves. Cause you can't expect your child to 'respect your authority' when you yourself don't entirely. Just like me, I need to be more steadfast, assertive and certain when making decisions and 'putting my foot down', not giving myself any leeway to abuse or manipulate. Standing ABSOLUTE. When I say 'no more abuse', then I mean 'no more abuse' with my whole being. 'No if, and or buts about it.'

Learning to say 'NO' essentially. Because, somebody has to. Cause I suppose it must be a generational thing, to have that 'weakness'. The 'weak constitution' which I also realized and referred to in my previous blog post, "When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing". It's basically 'pity'. Which is a disempowering form of 'empathy' in a way lol.

Pity is a result of a sense of victimization within self, when you've been 'wronged' in some way and you're still stuck in blame. And you go 'oh poor me and what's been done to me'. And you believe that you are a 'victim', entirely disempowered by your own reactions to 'what happened to you'. And that sense of disempowerment/victimization/blame does run in my 'generational lineage'. So that was a 'weakness' I could exploit in my parents.

I knew that their pity would make them question their own decisions. It would make them think, 'oh, maybe I'm being too harsh' or 'maybe I'm being inconsiderate', 'maybe I'm being a bad person'. So if I acted REALLY hurt and victimized, and got them to pity me, I could manipulate their decisions. But within that process I then obviously also learned to operate according to the same programming - of accepting an 'inner weakness' as the experience of disempowerment. Something that actually started out as just a way for me to manipulate my environment so I'd get what I wanted.

But really what all this comes down to, is just this point of 'I don't want to do this'. I don't 'feel like'/I don't 'want to' do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing. So I pretend like it's 'too hard' and it's 'too difficult' and 'oh poor me, crumbling under all this pressure, and the overwhelmingness!' While, there's really nothing wrong with my 'ability' to do it, I simply just 'don't want to' and I'm trying to worm my way out from under it.

So from that perspective, putting my foot down means to stop buying into my own bullshit lol. Stop buying into this whole 'I'm so weak. I'm so disempowered'-act. Cause really, so far I haven't really found anything that I'm genuinely not able to handle. And most of my 'I can't handle this' has been a consequence of my DELIBERATE over-pressuring myself just to generate and create a mental/emotional state of disempowerment, for the sheer purpose of manipulation.

And I now need to do what my parents essentially should have done, which is to tell myself to 'get over it' basically lol. 'Just do it' and stop whining, stop deliberately victimizing yourself, stop blaming, anytime I see myself finding excuses/reasons/justifications to not follow through on and undermine my decisions. Simple.



www.desteni.org
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www.eqafe.com

I Can't Do This

This is a continuation of my previous post "Who am I as a COACH?"

I’ve come to realize that there is this programming within my mind of believing and perceiving myself to be disempowered in relation to the mind. That I am just unable and incapable of really moving and directing and changing particular points, that ‘I just can’t do it’. That when it comes to fears and emotions, but mostly the thoughts connected with them, I feel quite disempowered and incapable.

And it seems that mostly what my problem is and has been, is that I kind of expect myself to ‘easily’ transcend or ‘let go’ of these sort of mind points, and then I get frustrated with myself and go into a ‘giving up’ and a sort of ‘laziness’ when it doesn’t seem to be that easy, telling myself that ‘I guess I just can’t do it’. When there is ‘something else’ blocking me and getting in my way, as this ‘wall’ that I keep bumping into. Something that seems to be a bit more ‘stubborn’ or more ‘ingrained’ within me in some way.

A ‘deeper design’ which, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve actually for the most part been suppressing and hiding from myself. So this ‘I can’t do this’-programming is more a consequence of my expectation to sort of be ‘perfect’. Not really recognizing or realizing that when it comes to the mind, sometimes it just takes a little bit of a process to sort of ‘unearth’ a programming. To really understand it in a way that supports me to actually transcend it. I mean especially when it comes to these kind of things that I’ve been suppressing my entire life. Stuff that exist on an unconscious or deeper level.

Cause the thing is, that when I go into this ‘I can’t do this’-programming, I end up going into and developing coping mechanisms wherein I try to escape and hide from all the fears and the thoughts and the experiences that I now believe I cannot change or transcend and am disempowered by. And that’s where I REALLY make myself stagnate and become ‘stuck’.

While, the solution is really just a simple ‘shift’ in perspective. From EXPECTING myself to ‘just transcend the points already’ and ‘be perfect’, to TRUSTING that, with the proper tools – like self-forgiveness and living words – I can do it. It may not be immediate and it may take me a bit of time to really investigate and understand and find the point of ‘direction’, but as long as I apply myself and apply my tools, I will get there.

AND to also be careful to not allow myself to go into those coping mechanisms, and be more aware of when and how I have a tendency to go into them as that’s the real trap of disempowerment. And be more aware of, when the coping mechanisms do come up, where they’re actually coming from as the ‘I can’t do this’-programming, and correct myself in those moments – moving from EXPECTATION to SELF-TRUST.

My CV for LIFE

I suppose the point that I can stand as in terms of how I can be of service and support for human beings, is the point of ASSERTIVENESS. The point of 'getting off your ass' basically. Because I have always lived disempowerment and laziness, as in just not ever doing anything with and in my life. Always finding it just very difficult to get myself moving or motivate myself or get myself to do anything that I don't necessarily HAVE to do.

I was lazy in many and in fact most, if not all, areas of my life. And existed basically in a state of 'giving up' on just about everything. Not having that 'umpff', that drive within me to make something of myself or of my life, or to even take care of myself and my environment. Not really seeing the purpose or the 'point', or any real 'reason' to make much of an effort within anything. Not seeing the value in most of all myself, nor any real reason to care about myself and what I do in and with my life.

Rather I'd be very much a 'victim' to feelings and emotions. Just kind of letting myself go and being the 'toy' of whatever energy comes up in me. Never sort of 'taking a stand' to direct or decide 'who I am', because I just never found anything 'worthwhile' to stand up for. Essentially living the statement of 'I don't see the value in life' and 'I don't see the value in me'.

And yes, I am still busy walking and changing this point. 'Standing up' and 'taking charge' and 'being assertive' in all areas of my life.

But I have managed to change a few points already.

1. In terms of caring for and directing my physical environment. Which started with creating a living space for myself that I felt satisfied and happy with, rather than just being 'OK' with 'whatever'. Then introducing the concept of 'cleaning' lol. Slowly but surely building a consistency and thoroughness in terms of how I clean. And coming to understand the importance of 'cleaning' as actually more a symbolic point actually. Where, sure technically or theoretically you don't 'need' to clean certain things or areas in your space every week, but just the act of cleaning it anyways is an act of care. It's me stating 'I care', and that's why I do it. And it's also a point of 'being on top of things'. Not letting things slide. But taking action and moving myself and 'taking care' of my environment, in a physical, literal sense. So I've changed in this point, yet still in the process of perfecting it.
2. Then there's the point of self-creation, as in 'pursuing' something in this world and reality. and moving and pushing a point into creation. Sort of 'making it happen one way or the other' and not just waiting around for it to maybe possibly one day happen on its own. Which started with first figuring out who I actually am in terms of what I do want to create for myself. Finding my 'starting point' as the point of 'value' within and for myself. A point within me wherein I can see 'value' to express myself from that point. Whereas how it used to be is that I would just express myself based on how I thought I 'needed to', to make other people happy or get them off my back or just kind of 'go along' with things. I first allowed myself to let go of all the things I was doing just because I felt I 'had to' for whatever reason, so that I could start with a 'clean slate', by turning inwards and really just getting to know myself unconditionally. Placing myself first and starting from there. Finding out what I enjoy, what I find important, what my real genuine self-expression is. And then from there I have to push myself to create a 'future' in this world. 'Carve my path' so to speak, and truly ASSERT myself and 'engrave' who I am within and as this reality. Just like what companies and brands do and have done. They 'brand' themselves, like a stamp, into reality and into the consciousness and the minds of human beings. Also a point I've changed in, yet am still in the process of perfecting.
3. The third point is with regards to walking my process. Being more 'hands-on'. More 'structured'. More driven and dedicated and not so much 'flying by the seam of my pants'. Not so much assuming that 'oh I'm special and I will realize myself as life at some point regardless, without having to necessarily really push myself', but rather really pushing and more realizing and considering that actually, the odds are always against me. And I have to be on top of my game every day, in every moment. Not being too shy to face points that make me uncomfortable and not too lazy to walk whatever writing or self-forgiveness or redefining words is required. I could use some work in this department still as well, where I realize I don't use ALL tools at my disposal. Specifically when it comes to learning from other people's process through listening to Eqafe recordings, Bernard's recordings and reading others' blogs. That is an area where I have not been pushing myself and require some more specificity. So again, a point I have been changing, yet still perfecting.
4. Another point is with regards to my 'self-trust', which is where I have reeeeaaaaal issues. This has been a more tricky point for me. I am very lazy when it comes to my self-direction and self-expression. In that I would rather have something else direct me and tell me how to express myself. In this I've been relying a little too much on muscle testing because I find it easier to just test on things than to sort of figure things out by myself. It's like this point within myself where I'm like "nah I'll rather just follow directions and just do what's expected of me than to actually go through the hassle of basically learning to express myself". Going through the process of getting to know my expression and how to effectively express the 'real me'. It's a bit scary and my reaction in the face of fear is to give up and search for something outside of myself to place my trust in. So this one I'm very much still in the beginning stages of changing.

So with this on my resume as my 'experience', I would say that the position I could stand in is in assisting and supporting others who are like me. Human beings who are also living that statement of 'I don't see the value in me' and are living this point of disempowerment and laziness within themselves and their lives. This is the 'pillar' I can stand as, of being a leading example of how to change this self-accepted programming. How to change from being disempowered and lazy, to being assertive and effective.

I hope that you will consider me in this role. I am looking forward to being a valuable part of your team.


Kim Amourette

Corona

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Don't Want to See!"

I see the corona virus within me, in terms of the points that I have been accepting and allowing and have been living that are my 'weak spots'. In terms of 'care'. I mean in fact care has been a very big theme throughout my life. Where, I have never cared for pretty much anything about myself. I did not care about my inner self, my outer self, or my environment. I did not 'take care', as in 'be attentive' of things. And I would more 'neglect' my reality.

Neglect within the way that I clean. Neglect within how I take care of things. Neglect within how I support myself. Neglect as in 'let slide'. As in 'not being on top of' things. But more turning a blind eye and just accepting and allowing things rather than being firm and directive and assertive with 'taking care of business' so to speak, on all levels.

Like I would allow myself to sleep in, even though I know that I don't need more sleep than six hours and it would be best for me to just get up after those six hours rather than continue to 'snooze'. I mean that is an aspect where I am not 'on top of' myself and my 'self-care', in terms of doing what's best for me.

And I have always just had that tendency to be 'lazy' pretty much. To let things slide, and 'let myself go' and just not be disciplined with myself. And so would neglect that point of self-care, of just having your affairs in order basically and not just letting your life go to waste. But to actually take it in both your hands and 'take care of it'. Putting in the effort to organize myself and my life in a way wherein I'm supporting my self-expression in this world and reality. I would just never sort of see the point or the purpose of it and would think that it's fine to just neglect myself and not place all that much value in my life.

And it's a point of 'giving up' on myself. Of not giving the best to myself. Not giving my utmost to myself. But rather going, "ah, I'm not worth all that much". And I've pretty much always just accepted this of myself. Thinking 'it's of no consequence'. Like what does it really matter if I don't care that much about myself.

Cause yes, care takes effort. It takes attention and attentiveness. Like when you take care of a baby. You have to always be there, always be ready, always be 'on the ball'. You can't be lazy, you can't postpone or procrastinate. Cause that baby is here and now and everything must be immediate. And you have to always be tuned into what it needs and wants, ready and willing to respond to all of it.

It has to be a COMMITMENT. One which you cannot abandon even for a second. It's the same with caring for yourself. It's exactly the same as caring for a baby. It takes that commitment and that decision of 'yes, I am doing this!' Realizing that it doesn't matter 'how you feel'. It doesn't matter if you 'don't feel like it'. Just like when you have that baby. The baby is here, and you have to take care of it because that is the decision and commitment you made by bringing this baby into the world. Feelings don't matter at that point. You have to see yourself as a newborn baby. And as a parent at the same time. Take care of yourself.

So care is just a commitment that you make with yourself. To take responsibility for yourself as you would with a baby. Consider yourself as that baby that's just been born into the world. It needs your attention and care. It is helpless on it's own and it needs something or someone to take care of it.

Cause yes I am quite helpless on my own. In fact that is very much how I have always experienced myself. As though I am truly just a helpless naked baby with no skills and ability to take care of itself. Something that just needs to be nurtured and held and fed and unconditionally loved. But I never understood 'care as commitment'.  I never understood that I must be my own parent and make that commitment with myself. Because I do have the ability to be both parent and baby. So I must be both, within and as me.

And it's quite the dichotomy. To be both these 'polarity extremes' at once. But actually it makes so much sense. Because I must stand within and as every point in existence, because every point in existence exists within me. So I am both child and parent. Both helpless and innocent, as well as powerful and responsible. I have to realize myself as both at the same time. All living words of and as me. All parts of me.

I can't go and think that 'because I am an adult now, therefore I am no longer a child'. It just doesn't work that way. I just end up suppressing the child within and as me, the fact that deep down I do just feel quite helpless and innocent and naked. And deep down I do have a need for care and attention and to be nurtured and taken care of.

I have to recognize that these are parts of me. And that they all equally exist within me. Being an adult doesn't mean that you are not a child. It's not one or the other. Even though that's what the mind would have you believe. Because in fact if you do not accept and embrace each part equally, you actually end up with 'nothing'. You end up with just confusion, because you're not accepting who and what you are. So you exist kind of in limbo.

Embrace each part fully as you, rather than thinking that you can only be one thing. Because one cannot exist without the other and so if you try to live only one thing, you end up living a 'half-life'. Always looking for your other half, as the part of you that you just haven't accepted.

And care exists within accepting that polarity within and as me. Within the 'parent-child' relationship within and as myself. Within recognizing that I am helpless and innocent and cannot take care of myself on the one hand, and being responsible on the other hand. It's within learning how to be a parent of the child that is me.

Directed, Influenced and Defined by Desires

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Earn your Freedom"

There's actually quite a few 'desires' that I've been 'serving' as my 'masters'. Things I haven't really been honest about with myself. Desires that have just become 'part of me' and so I haven't been questioning them. Only now I'm starting to actually see that yes in fact I have been giving my power away to these desires and I haven't been 'standing' as a self-directed individual.

And with looking at the extent to which I've defined myself in those desires, it's actually looking like quite a challenge when I think about transcending them. So, just like I realized in my previous post, all I can do at this point is humble myself before the desires and at least just be honest with myself that yes I have become a slave to them. And no, I am not in fact real, as I am directed, influenced and defined by desires.

And, within being honest about it, get myself out of the point of laziness as I'm now having to 'become equal to my master' and so put the work and effort in that's required. Cause when you're at a point of self-honesty, you kind of have no choice but to push through and change. It's easy to not change things about yourself when you're not aware of them. But once you become aware, there's no going back. There is a responsibility that comes with seeing and being aware.

So now the process becomes, how to transcend and change a desire? The first step in that would be to pinpoint all the habits that support and sustain the desire. And then change those.

To Earn Your Freedom

This is a continuation from my previous post "There's Something Wrong Here..."

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.

Bernard Poolman

"To admit to yourself that there is a master you are serving." It's to bring the desires you've been holding on to, hiding and suppressing, 'here'. Be real about the fact that, yes, as long as 'who and how you are' is influenced and directed by these desires, you are a slave to it. So, you must stand in that self-honesty. Stand as the slave that you are and have allowed yourself to become.

As how things are right now, you are in the service of these desires. That's all that you are. And if you ever want to be any 'more' than that, you're going to have to start from 'where you're at'. How does a slave break free from its master? By being arrogant and thinking that he's better than a slave? Fat chance. That will just get you in trouble!

It's by keeping your head down, 'playing the system', and 'earning' your freedom. And in the meantime, yes, joining movements and putting in effort to - in a peaceful way - change 'slavery' altogether. Changing the greater system that's creating this 'slave-master' relationship.

But when it comes to changing that direct slave/master relationship, there has to be a humbleness. An 'accepting your place'. As a slave, you don't have any power to just stand up and say "fuck this, I'm outta here!" And, the more you fight, resist and struggle, the more you're going to be shown your place! So, you have to humble yourself 'before your master'. And say, "I will work hard and do what it takes to earn my freedom!"

Because, freedom is something you must be 'granted'. It's not something you can just take. When you try to 'take' it, there's going to be war. And in a way doing it that way is more like a laziness. You just don't want to put the work and effort in. You'll rather just react, act out, throw a tantrum, and expect reality to shape itself according to your wants and needs. With a lot of unnecessary suffering and consequences as a result.

Real freedom is something that you've worked hard for. Something you know you 'deserve' and have 'earned', because of the work that you've put in. Where you've walked a process to prove that you stand equal to your 'master' and that you have now mastered yourself.

There's Something Wrong Here...

This is a continuation of my previous post "Bringing the Darkness Here"

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.

Bernard Poolman

I couldn't make sense of this quote at first. But I knew that laziness has been a big part of my life so I knew that it must apply to me somehow. It's only now, after realizing that I was in fact still very much living that laziness - although I believed I wasn't - that I am understanding what this quote is actually saying and how it applies to me.

Laziness is when there is something that you're not entirely wanting to let go of. A desire you're trying to protect and 'hold on to'. But at the same time you're not being honest with yourself about the fact that you are still holding on to it - so it becomes a point of self-judgment within you. And the self-judgment becomes a self-suppression. Because, you're hiding a part of you, from yourself.

So in a way you start living a 'half-life', since you're only partly 'here'. That suppressed part of you becomes like an anchor that weighs and drags you down. But it's invisible. You're not even noticing that there's something holding you back. I mean you do, but you also don't. You do kind of sense that there's something 'wrong'. There's just 'something', but you can't put your finger on it.

To 'cut through' or 'hack' this laziness point, you just need to pretty much 'come clean' about the point of desire that you've been unwilling to let go of. Be real with yourself that you have not been taking responsibility for a specific part of you because, you simply have not been wanting to. Recognize and see that this point of desire has been and is your 'master'. Maybe it's just a really seriously intense desire and maybe that means that it's going to be a bit more difficult to transcend it. And you may not see how or be able to, at this moment, 'just let go of it'. And that's actually fine. Just for now admit and realize that this desire is your 'master' and that you must serve it. Until you stand equal to it. As in, until it no longer influences you and you are able to move freely without it being there to hold you back.

Being honest with self is always the first - and most important - step towards transcendence.

How is Blame a Laziness of Self?

This is a continuation from the previous blog post "What does it really mean to care for others?"

A place where I can already see that I can start applying that self-honesty and humbleness is in relation to my thoughts and reactions to other people. I've noticed that when it comes to other people I have actually been thinking and believing myself to be 'self-honest' and 'humble' yet when I had a real honest look at my actual thoughts then I had to realize that I'm actually not at all!

There's a lot of thoughts and reactions I 'let slide'. Mostly it's reactions and thoughts of judgment where I'm judging someone for not being more like who I believe I am or should be. That means that what I judge about people is when I perceive they're not being humble. There's a reaction of annoyance or even hate that comes up in me, it's a pretty intense reaction.

So, why is there such an intense reaction to this particular point? Really it's cause I see them do what I am actually secretly doing in my own mind. I am not humble at all within my mind. I do the equivalent of boasting and attention-seeking in my mind. I react so intensely to others doing it because it's just something that I am not honest about with myself. So, my reaction is there to show me what I am not being self-honest about. I mean, as I realized in the previous post, I don't know how to really be humble because I've just never done it.

So one way I can practically start applying and living humbleness in these situations is to, whenever I find myself reacting to how I see someone else behaving, immediately look at what my reaction is showing me about what I'm not being honest about with myself. To immediately realize that this reaction is about me, not the other person. It's for me to learn from about myself.

Humbleness is thus like the reverse of blame. Where, in blame you point fingers outward, like arrows shooting out, but with humbleness all the fingers or arrows point towards self. There's very much a self-responsibility. There's also a lot more effort involved with being humble, because now I actually have to take ownership of what I used to just blame or project on others.

Blame is very much like laziness. It's laziness of self. Maybe that's why it's called 'B-lame'. It's easy to blame another person. It takes a lot more effort to actually look into "OK why am I reacting this way, what can I learn from this reaction and how can I do things differently?"

I've definitely been very lazy throughout my life. Never really put much effort into my life and was rather chasing quick energy fixes instead of working and building on something that will pay off in the long run. I'm realizing that that laziness also exists on an internal level in terms of just not being humble. But it's funny that I would then go and think of myself as 'humble' when it's actually the complete reverse.