Relaxation is... Understanding People

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is..."

So fear of people. My experience with people is that I've always been very 'sensitive', as in very easily taking people's reactions personally and very easily feeling hurt, rejected, pushed away, judged - and feeling quite conflicted within myself between this polarity of on the one hand wanting to be liked, be friends, get along, be kind and strive for a sense of togetherness with people, while on the other hand taking it so very personally when people appear to not want or strive for the same things, or are sometimes downright hurtful and reactive, taking their reactions out on me. Where I'd be like 'why?! What have I done to deserve this?! I've done nothing but be kind and nice and friendly!' Where I'd then push people away as a way of 'self-protection', as I feel I 'can't trust people'.

So it's always this whole dynamic that plays out in my mind which leaves me feeling quite 'out of sorts' inside myself when I'm around people, and just uncomfortable - and having made the decision that I don't actually like to be around people, because of this whole experience. Because I fear their mind, and their reactions.  Needless to say it certainly doesn't allow me to RELAX, as I am in a constant state of being 'on edge'.

Something I have found supportive in this, whenever a person is reacting to me in some way - or when I am interpreting their expression in a way that makes me feel hurt or attacked or pushed away, as though they are reacting to me - is to place them within me for a moment, or place myself in their shoes, to see who they are inside themselves. This way I've found I can always understand better what is going on, as I've found that my 'taking things personally' is always coming from a lack of understanding where people are coming from and what is going on within and behind a person's behavior. So my mind will 'fill in the blanks' by way of making it 'personal', in terms of personal reactions of thoughts, emotions and feelings within myself.

And I've realized every time that either the person wasn't reacting to me as much as they were just in some personality design and so were reacting to themselves in some way, like a personality design of awkwardness, insecurity or frustration, or yes they were reacting to 'me', but more because they were projecting something of themselves onto me and so again, were just existing in their own 'mind-bubble'. So this point of 'understanding' has certainly been key in developing my own 'sovereignty' so to speak. In terms of my ability to 'be my own person' and not feel so 'cornered' and threatened all the time around people. But rather being able to 'relax' a bit more. Basically being my own person through seeing how other people are their own person. And so nothing is 'personal'.

Similarly I've also found this technique of placing the person inside me to be supportive when it comes to expressing myself and communicating with people, as that has also been quite a great point of stress for me throughout my life. Where I'd get all sorts of anxious and insecure inside myself pretty much anytime I'd try to say anything to people. By placing them within me, I can immediately get a feel of the kind of person they are and 'what they need' so to speak. As in, how I can most effectively communicate with them in a way that's most supportive for them. It'll feel more 'natural' for me to express myself actually as well, as though my body and my self aligns itself with the person in a sort of dance or flow of expression - expressing exactly what is 'needed' in the context of who that person is. And so in the context of support as what is 'best for all'. And I don't need to think about it, there's no reactions or fears or worries involved. It's all quite natural and relaxed. And I never end up judging myself or feeling insecure about how I expressed myself, because I could see and understand exactly how my expression was 'specific' to who that person was. 

This is all still 'moments' though at this point. It's points I'm still practicing and developing. And I have my 'good days and bad days'. Days when it comes more easily to apply this, and days when I'm overall feeling more insecure and reactive within myself and I kind of 'forget' about this application. Where I'm more 'sensitive' to react and take things personally, and just being less 'directive' with myself and just spending more time in my mind. And my mind will definitely take advantage of that, to 'power up' a lot of emotional personalities within me of insecurity and hurt in relation to people. So it's important to stay focused on living the solution and integrating these techniques and applications as new ways of living, in place of the old ways of emotional reacting and taking things personally.

www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

I Don't Want the Spotlight

This is a continuation of my previous post "Is Existing in Fear 'Normal'?"

There's an interesting 'programming' that I learned to live throughout my life. A programming of 'shyness'. Of sort of the point of 'you should never think highly of yourself'. Don't ever think that you are 'the bees knees', or that you're 'great' or 'amazing'. Rather always sort of 'hold your head down' and think 'less' of yourself and hold yourself back. Like, there's always MORE 'reasons' to think 'less' of yourself, than there are to think highly of yourself.

But then it's interesting because, those that don't seem to have any issues with glorifying themselves, placing themselves on a pedestal and honoring themselves, sort of seem to do it 'for all the wrong reasons'. Like, that's not the stuff we should be honoring or glorifying! And meanwhile, those that are more 'shy' and 'bashful' and 'modest' seem to be possessing certain 'traits' and 'expressions' that in fact SHOULD be 'glorified', 'honored' and 'placed on a pedestal'. But then they will choose not to 'take the spotlight'.

And isn't this the perfect programming though? To make sure that the things that are actually best, are never seen or considered. And that we will only place our attention onto that which sort of represents the 'worst' in us. Because those that actually 'care' and are the 'solution', think they're not 'important' enough and 'don't deserve the attention', and will give themselves all sorts of 'reasons' as to 'why' they should rather 'take a step down' or 'hold back' or 'be in the background', rather than being the one in the 'spotlight'.

And like, you'll even have an 'aversion' to it. Like, "me? The spotlight? NO! No way! Not me! Never!" But, have you ever asked yourself 'why' you think this way? Why do you NOT think you're 'all that'? Why are you NOT honoring yourself and recognizing your 'importance', and your 'greatness'? Is it truly 'benevolent' of you to hide behind 'shyness', or is it just a programming?

Is Existing in Fear 'Normal'?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Who Am I?"

And so it's basically about the point of 'passion'. Cause passion is in a way something 'fragile' or 'vulnerable'. Like there will always be so many 'reasons' that the mind can come up with to make me abandon my 'passion'. To make me abandon myself. Like reasons for why my passion is stupid and why i shouldn't go there and shouldnt do it and why i shouldnt be 'passionate'. Why its better to just hide behind fear and be 'dead' inside. Since that's what fear really does. It kills the 'life' inside you, which is 'passion'.

It's that point of 'innocence'. A sort of innocent 'movement' towards something because 'in your heart' that's what's 'real'. And it will be something that you sort of stand alone in, and that seems to 'go against' the 'status quo' and the 'normal', because simply put, in this world people are 'dead'. People exist in fear and that's consider the 'normal'. Passion as 'innocence' is abandoned, cause it's 'too vulnerable', 'too real', 'too fragile'.

And here I am, having abandoned my passion just the same. Even when I did become aware of it. And even when I did realize that it's the only thing that's real. I just went right back into the 'normal' as 'fear'. Knowing that I 'lost' something, and that I'm not quite 'me'. But not being able to even see 'how' or what's going on exactly. Not even being aware that I made that decision, to abandon my passion.

Cause it's hiding, and has been hiding throughout my entire life, behind layers and layers of mind consciousness system programming that is the very opposite of my 'passion'. And so now I must still walk through those layers. And start understanding why and how I've created those layers and chose to abandon my passion. Walk through years and years and years of programming. And keep reminding myself of who I really am. Of my passion, hiding underneath it all. Because before I know it, I lose myself in the programming again and 'forget'. So I walk DIP, and write my blogs, to support myself to 'be on top of it'.