Relaxation is... Understanding People

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is..."

So fear of people. My experience with people is that I've always been very 'sensitive', as in very easily taking people's reactions personally and very easily feeling hurt, rejected, pushed away, judged - and feeling quite conflicted within myself between this polarity of on the one hand wanting to be liked, be friends, get along, be kind and strive for a sense of togetherness with people, while on the other hand taking it so very personally when people appear to not want or strive for the same things, or are sometimes downright hurtful and reactive, taking their reactions out on me. Where I'd be like 'why?! What have I done to deserve this?! I've done nothing but be kind and nice and friendly!' Where I'd then push people away as a way of 'self-protection', as I feel I 'can't trust people'.

So it's always this whole dynamic that plays out in my mind which leaves me feeling quite 'out of sorts' inside myself when I'm around people, and just uncomfortable - and having made the decision that I don't actually like to be around people, because of this whole experience. Because I fear their mind, and their reactions.  Needless to say it certainly doesn't allow me to RELAX, as I am in a constant state of being 'on edge'.

Something I have found supportive in this, whenever a person is reacting to me in some way - or when I am interpreting their expression in a way that makes me feel hurt or attacked or pushed away, as though they are reacting to me - is to place them within me for a moment, or place myself in their shoes, to see who they are inside themselves. This way I've found I can always understand better what is going on, as I've found that my 'taking things personally' is always coming from a lack of understanding where people are coming from and what is going on within and behind a person's behavior. So my mind will 'fill in the blanks' by way of making it 'personal', in terms of personal reactions of thoughts, emotions and feelings within myself.

And I've realized every time that either the person wasn't reacting to me as much as they were just in some personality design and so were reacting to themselves in some way, like a personality design of awkwardness, insecurity or frustration, or yes they were reacting to 'me', but more because they were projecting something of themselves onto me and so again, were just existing in their own 'mind-bubble'. So this point of 'understanding' has certainly been key in developing my own 'sovereignty' so to speak. In terms of my ability to 'be my own person' and not feel so 'cornered' and threatened all the time around people. But rather being able to 'relax' a bit more. Basically being my own person through seeing how other people are their own person. And so nothing is 'personal'.

Similarly I've also found this technique of placing the person inside me to be supportive when it comes to expressing myself and communicating with people, as that has also been quite a great point of stress for me throughout my life. Where I'd get all sorts of anxious and insecure inside myself pretty much anytime I'd try to say anything to people. By placing them within me, I can immediately get a feel of the kind of person they are and 'what they need' so to speak. As in, how I can most effectively communicate with them in a way that's most supportive for them. It'll feel more 'natural' for me to express myself actually as well, as though my body and my self aligns itself with the person in a sort of dance or flow of expression - expressing exactly what is 'needed' in the context of who that person is. And so in the context of support as what is 'best for all'. And I don't need to think about it, there's no reactions or fears or worries involved. It's all quite natural and relaxed. And I never end up judging myself or feeling insecure about how I expressed myself, because I could see and understand exactly how my expression was 'specific' to who that person was. 

This is all still 'moments' though at this point. It's points I'm still practicing and developing. And I have my 'good days and bad days'. Days when it comes more easily to apply this, and days when I'm overall feeling more insecure and reactive within myself and I kind of 'forget' about this application. Where I'm more 'sensitive' to react and take things personally, and just being less 'directive' with myself and just spending more time in my mind. And my mind will definitely take advantage of that, to 'power up' a lot of emotional personalities within me of insecurity and hurt in relation to people. So it's important to stay focused on living the solution and integrating these techniques and applications as new ways of living, in place of the old ways of emotional reacting and taking things personally.

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www.destonians.com
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Being UNDERSTANDING when all you see is PROBLEMS

This is a continuation of my previous post "In my Image and Likeness"

Two things I have never very much lived in my life is UNDERSTANDING and ACCEPTANCE. To, when it comes to ‘problems’ and ‘issues’, shortcomings and flaws, be instead rather judgmental and reactive. Something I realized is that, when I’m looking at this world, and within myself into my own mind, looking at human beings’ behavior as well as my own – even though I may try so damn hard to be and live and exist in ways that is best – the reality is that all I can see is PROBLEMS. All I see is all the ways we’re NOT living as the best version of ourselves. How I’m not living the best version of myself. And how us human beings as a whole are not living the best version of ourselves.

And I’ve asked myself, ‘how can I be more understanding, of myself and others?’ But all that comes up is that I just can’t be. That, this world is fucked, we are fucked, I am fucked. We’re all fucked. I mean look at us. Just the way we exist in our minds. The DELIBERATE evil and the harm that we do to one another. The ignorance we exist in. All I am left with within myself when looking at it all, is just an ANGER. An anger that it is this way. An anger that things are not already ‘perfect’ – the way I KNOW we can be. It’s like a deep disappointment, that’s turned into anger, with our inability to live up to my expectations.

It’s like the expectations, as the ‘image of perfection’ I know we can be and achieve, is the bone I’m not willing to let go of. Almost like I’m thinking and believing that ‘as long as I keep my eyes on that image of perfection and stay focused on that, it will be our motivation to get us there’. It’s kind of like a delusion, to have that expectation and to actually believe that it works that way. It’s delusional from the perspective that what is missing is an ACCEPTANCE and an UNDERSTANDING that, well simply put, we are NOT that image of perfection. That the reality of who we are as beings is that we ARE ‘imperfect’. That we’ve got all these flaws and shortcomings, so very clearly shown within and as ‘life on earth’. We are NOWHERE NEAR ‘perfect’. In fact, that ‘perfection’ doesn’t exist. That ‘potential’, the ‘perfect image’, it doesn’t exist. It’s just not who and how and what we are. At all. And it’s like I am basically trying to find and see something that isn’t there. Which would obviously result in massive disappointment.

The reality is, that we ARE fucked. We are FUCKED beyond belief. There is no ‘hope’. There is no ‘glimmer of light’. There is no ‘potential’. And that’s not me being pessimistic. It’s a FACT. The ‘perfect image of potential’, that’s what only exists in my mind. It’s simply not HERE. It’s been something I’ve been hoping for, fighting for, searching for, like the light in the tunnel. But it’s like, the closer I’m moving towards that light – or think I’m moving – the more the ‘darkness’ seems to be moving in on me. Because the light is an illusion. It isn’t really there, and I will never really reach it.

And I’ve effectively been chasing that light within my mind my entire life. Thinking/believing that it must be real, because I can see it in my mind. Positively duped. Duped with the CURSE of knowing that we need to change, and even seeing a solution, as the ‘image of perfection’, but being absolutely SABOTAGED and DISEMPOWERED in being able to do anything because of how the ‘solution’ has been defined in the illusion in the mind. The illusion in the mind where everything is just images and pictures. It’s not ‘real’. It’s like these very limited, superficial ‘concepts’ of what and how things are. Like a comic book, or a movie. Where everything is reduced to a single image. A snapshot. Everything is ‘represented’ and ‘captured’ within an image. But an image doesn’t show you the intricacies of reality. It’s not ‘alive’. It’s more like a one-dimensional, limited, presumptuous ‘idea’ of what reality is. Like being stuck in a picture frame, experiencing, seeing and perceiving reality on that superficial level of the picture in the frame. It’s just literally ‘not alive’, therefore it is not ‘real’.

And the thing with my mind, is that it’s full of pictures. My mind is like a television, or a comic book. Always spinning ‘stories’ through pictures. Presenting me with ‘ideas’ of what and how reality is, where I then am actually very blind as to what reality really is. More seeing things in a very one-dimensional, superficial, and kind of ‘story-telling’ way, also seeing myself as just a character in a story that must in a way be watched like a movie for it to be ‘real’, or believed/perceived to be real. Many, many stories I’ve spun for myself, in my mind as my walking television.

And it’s definitely coming from and based on a desire to create ‘more’ of reality than what is HERE. To have that polarity of ‘the light’ on the one hand and ‘the darkness’ on the other hand, rather than just being HERE. But to basically have that ‘movie-plot’ within the mind wherein there’s ALWAYS that ‘epic battle’ between the dark and the light. And that’s why my point is that I pretty much just need to relax lol.

The Origin of Stupidity

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Power of FORGIVENESS"

I’ve always had issues with ‘comprehension’. Always felt like I need a lot more time than other people to really process information and come to conclusions and understand things. Conversations always feel as though they move too fast for me and as though I don’t have enough time to think to answer questions or respond to people. Most of the time I just feel very pressured to ‘keep up’ and basically not let it show that my brain just doesn’t work as fast as other people’s does, and that I’m a bit ‘slower’.

And so because I’m always trying my best to just ‘keep up’ with the ‘game’, I just never gave myself the time that I actually need to process things, to understand things, to develop my own insights and ‘opinions’. To have my own point of view and make up my mind about things. Mostly because I always judged myself for being ‘slow’ and ‘not being intelligent’. For being ‘stupid’. Which thus only just ended up keeping me ‘stupid’.

This judgment I copied from my mother who judged her mother, who was actually just like me. Or me just like her. In that she also seemed somewhat ‘slower’ in her comprehension skills. Not quite as ‘on the ball’ within conversations  and more ‘stuck’ within limited belief systems and ways of perceiving things, and kind of ‘oblivious’. She seemed apparently a bit more ‘stupid’ than most people. And that’s how I always perceived it as well. Dismissing my grandmother’s expression  as ‘oh, she’s just kinda stupid’, and then existing in fear of being perceived and judged and dismissed in the same way, because I know that the same kind of programming actually exists in me. So I’d just try to hide it as much as I can and try not to appear as what I know I am – ‘stupid’.

However not ever understanding that the only real ‘stupid’ thing about all of it, is my judgment of that ‘stupidity’ and the fact that I never realized or considered that it’s just programming. That this ‘stupidity’ that existed in my grandmother and in myself, and I’m sure in my mother on some level as well, is the result and consequence of mind consciousness system programming passed down through generations. The result of for instance just extensive and intense amounts of fear compounded within the mind, due to traumatic shit happening. Like, wartime shit.

Where the ‘stupidity’ is more like being ‘stupified’ with fear. Existing in so much overwhelming and extreme amounts of fear that you just sort of can’t handle it. That you can’t ‘function’ and ‘operate’ effectively, cause the fear just gets in the way all the time. I mean, that’s a lot more ‘serious’ than just calling someone ‘stupid’, as a judgment. And it just shows how easy it is to ‘judge’ something – some behavior or expression – yet how much we really miss and dismiss and disregard about the reality of what we’re judging.

So essentially, I need to first and foremost allow myself to be SLOW. To stop putting all this pressure on myself to ‘keep up with other people’, and take it as slow as I need to. I need to in other words be more CONSIDERATE with myself and with my actual capacity. And sure, maybe that capacity might be a bit more ‘diminished’ than other people’s, when it comes to seeing and understanding and comprehending things. But that’s alright, because it is simply a CONSEQUENCE of generational mind consciousness system programming. So instead of comparing myself to others and judging myself, I need to recognize and consider who and what and how I am, and ‘work with what I got’.

And be intelliGENT, as in approach things with GENTLENESS, rather than judgment and comparison. Be more ‘sensible’ and ‘sensitive’ to what’s actually needed and required, in terms of what would actually be of support, and to the fact that not everybody is the same. That we all have different programming, which goes back generations upon generations, and therefore we all have different capacities and capabilities and skills. And within that, we are all equal and one. Very different, yet equal and one the result and consequence of programming.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

That which we're all Looking for

This is a continuation of my previous post "You are a Threat to Me"

A quite ‘stubborn’ programming I have found for me is the ‘relationship programming’. Like there’s this sort of constant tendency to see and perceive ‘my relationship’ as ‘the answer’. Or perceive it as something that’s here to ‘support me’. Something that’s ‘good for me’. Something I can ‘trust’.

And then I’ll sort of feel ‘shocked’ whenever things happen that ‘expose’ patterns that are clearly not ‘best’ or ‘supportive’. And I’ll be like, “but I thought…!!” Because I was sort of trusting the belief and assumption that at the end of the day, a relationship is supposed to be something ‘good’. Something of ‘love’, and ‘support’, and ‘care’ and ‘understanding’. I mean isn’t that always the starting point of it? And well, yes it is, cause that’s what we’re all ‘looking for’.

But the reality is that a relationship is more just an ‘extension’ of the mind. Because relationships are also just ‘designs’ and ‘programs’. Relationships, just like the mind, were specifically designed and programmed to ensure that beings stay locked into their mind. They’re programmed to trigger and generate the mind, and so in a way a relationship is also just another ‘mind’, or like an added ‘layer’. And, just like the mind, it’s here to ‘test you’, to see if you will ‘stand’ as a being, through it all. It’s just basically more programming to make absolutely, extra, extra sure that you never ever realize yourself as life in and as the physical.

And yet, when it comes to relationships, there’s this like belief that ‘oh no it’s something good’. That ‘to be in a relationship is something positive and good’. So not entirely recognizing that, ‘no, it’s just programming. There’s nothing ‘special’ about this. It’s programming and it’s basically just another thing for you to transcend and not be influenced by in any way whatsoever.’

I mean lol, it’s interesting this programming of like believing that ‘a relationship is the answer’. It seems so ‘sneaky’ in a way. It just sort of ‘sneaks in’ and goes unquestioned mostly, up until that moment when shit hits the proverbial fan and you’re all like, “but I thought…!!”, and you realize you should have known better. That you should be questioning EVERYTHING. Cause literally EVERYTHING in and of this world is specifically designed and programmed to MAKE SURE that you are and remain safely locked into the mind and never realize yourself as life in and as the physical.