Relaxation is... Understanding People

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is..."

So fear of people. My experience with people is that I've always been very 'sensitive', as in very easily taking people's reactions personally and very easily feeling hurt, rejected, pushed away, judged - and feeling quite conflicted within myself between this polarity of on the one hand wanting to be liked, be friends, get along, be kind and strive for a sense of togetherness with people, while on the other hand taking it so very personally when people appear to not want or strive for the same things, or are sometimes downright hurtful and reactive, taking their reactions out on me. Where I'd be like 'why?! What have I done to deserve this?! I've done nothing but be kind and nice and friendly!' Where I'd then push people away as a way of 'self-protection', as I feel I 'can't trust people'.

So it's always this whole dynamic that plays out in my mind which leaves me feeling quite 'out of sorts' inside myself when I'm around people, and just uncomfortable - and having made the decision that I don't actually like to be around people, because of this whole experience. Because I fear their mind, and their reactions.  Needless to say it certainly doesn't allow me to RELAX, as I am in a constant state of being 'on edge'.

Something I have found supportive in this, whenever a person is reacting to me in some way - or when I am interpreting their expression in a way that makes me feel hurt or attacked or pushed away, as though they are reacting to me - is to place them within me for a moment, or place myself in their shoes, to see who they are inside themselves. This way I've found I can always understand better what is going on, as I've found that my 'taking things personally' is always coming from a lack of understanding where people are coming from and what is going on within and behind a person's behavior. So my mind will 'fill in the blanks' by way of making it 'personal', in terms of personal reactions of thoughts, emotions and feelings within myself.

And I've realized every time that either the person wasn't reacting to me as much as they were just in some personality design and so were reacting to themselves in some way, like a personality design of awkwardness, insecurity or frustration, or yes they were reacting to 'me', but more because they were projecting something of themselves onto me and so again, were just existing in their own 'mind-bubble'. So this point of 'understanding' has certainly been key in developing my own 'sovereignty' so to speak. In terms of my ability to 'be my own person' and not feel so 'cornered' and threatened all the time around people. But rather being able to 'relax' a bit more. Basically being my own person through seeing how other people are their own person. And so nothing is 'personal'.

Similarly I've also found this technique of placing the person inside me to be supportive when it comes to expressing myself and communicating with people, as that has also been quite a great point of stress for me throughout my life. Where I'd get all sorts of anxious and insecure inside myself pretty much anytime I'd try to say anything to people. By placing them within me, I can immediately get a feel of the kind of person they are and 'what they need' so to speak. As in, how I can most effectively communicate with them in a way that's most supportive for them. It'll feel more 'natural' for me to express myself actually as well, as though my body and my self aligns itself with the person in a sort of dance or flow of expression - expressing exactly what is 'needed' in the context of who that person is. And so in the context of support as what is 'best for all'. And I don't need to think about it, there's no reactions or fears or worries involved. It's all quite natural and relaxed. And I never end up judging myself or feeling insecure about how I expressed myself, because I could see and understand exactly how my expression was 'specific' to who that person was. 

This is all still 'moments' though at this point. It's points I'm still practicing and developing. And I have my 'good days and bad days'. Days when it comes more easily to apply this, and days when I'm overall feeling more insecure and reactive within myself and I kind of 'forget' about this application. Where I'm more 'sensitive' to react and take things personally, and just being less 'directive' with myself and just spending more time in my mind. And my mind will definitely take advantage of that, to 'power up' a lot of emotional personalities within me of insecurity and hurt in relation to people. So it's important to stay focused on living the solution and integrating these techniques and applications as new ways of living, in place of the old ways of emotional reacting and taking things personally.

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My Mind, My Savior

This is a continuation of my previous post "That which we're all Looking for"

Throughout my life I have always had a very strong relationship with 'thinking'. Like, 'going into my thoughts' was a thing that I would do. Where I wouldn't just for instance use thinking as like a purely practical way of navigating my reality, where your 'thinking' is more 'integrated' in your moment-to-moment sort of 'living'.

But my 'thinking' was more like I would cut myself off from the world around me and just sort of go and 'sit' in my head. Because I felt 'safe' there. In relation to my environment, I felt nothing but fear and anxiety and constant discomfort. And my own thoughts seemed the only place where I could not be 'harmed'. A place that I could escape to and that would keep me 'safe', essentially by suppressing my 'awareness' of the fear and anxiety I was actually experiencing. The act of 'thinking' in itself seemed to sort of give me a way to 'avoid' directly experiencing that fear.

But then, as a result of existing in a state of 'unawareness' due to 'thinking', I'd then actually experience even more fear and anxiety of a world and reality that I did not understand or 'relate to'. So my mind kept calling me. Saying to me, "I'll keep you safe! The world out there is nothing but fear, but you're safe in here!" And I never really questioned that, until now.

I always figured, it's where I feel 'safe' so therefore it must be my 'safe haven'. And so I found that I'd have the hardest time being 'in the body' cause it always felt like I was losing some kind of 'safety'. I never realized that the mind presenting itself as my 'safe haven' is basically like some kind of evil entity scaring the shit out of you, but then turning around and saying "I know it's scary! Come here, I'll keep you safe!" It's kind of like running into the arms of your abuser because they told you they would protect you from abuse.

It's cause the mind is good at hiding itself. Like, you'll only see those things that it wants you to see from moment to moment, because it's conditioned you to not see the 'bigger picture'. You kind of only see 'what's right in front of you'. Where, the mind will show you what it is that you're 'looking for'. A 'safe haven'. A 'comfort zone'. An 'escape'. It obviously won't show you that the only reason you're looking for that is because it is TERRORIZING and ABUSING you.

I mean, by saying that, I don't 'blame' the mind. It's just a program. This was more just an important point for me to 'realize' so that I could finally understand that I cannot trust the mind. And that I certainly cannot trust that sort of 'desire' to want to go and 'sit' in thoughts. And that really the only thing I CAN trust, the only thing that is in fact a real 'safe haven', and that does have my best interests at heart, is the physical body.