Relaxation is... Understanding People

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is..."

So fear of people. My experience with people is that I've always been very 'sensitive', as in very easily taking people's reactions personally and very easily feeling hurt, rejected, pushed away, judged - and feeling quite conflicted within myself between this polarity of on the one hand wanting to be liked, be friends, get along, be kind and strive for a sense of togetherness with people, while on the other hand taking it so very personally when people appear to not want or strive for the same things, or are sometimes downright hurtful and reactive, taking their reactions out on me. Where I'd be like 'why?! What have I done to deserve this?! I've done nothing but be kind and nice and friendly!' Where I'd then push people away as a way of 'self-protection', as I feel I 'can't trust people'.

So it's always this whole dynamic that plays out in my mind which leaves me feeling quite 'out of sorts' inside myself when I'm around people, and just uncomfortable - and having made the decision that I don't actually like to be around people, because of this whole experience. Because I fear their mind, and their reactions.  Needless to say it certainly doesn't allow me to RELAX, as I am in a constant state of being 'on edge'.

Something I have found supportive in this, whenever a person is reacting to me in some way - or when I am interpreting their expression in a way that makes me feel hurt or attacked or pushed away, as though they are reacting to me - is to place them within me for a moment, or place myself in their shoes, to see who they are inside themselves. This way I've found I can always understand better what is going on, as I've found that my 'taking things personally' is always coming from a lack of understanding where people are coming from and what is going on within and behind a person's behavior. So my mind will 'fill in the blanks' by way of making it 'personal', in terms of personal reactions of thoughts, emotions and feelings within myself.

And I've realized every time that either the person wasn't reacting to me as much as they were just in some personality design and so were reacting to themselves in some way, like a personality design of awkwardness, insecurity or frustration, or yes they were reacting to 'me', but more because they were projecting something of themselves onto me and so again, were just existing in their own 'mind-bubble'. So this point of 'understanding' has certainly been key in developing my own 'sovereignty' so to speak. In terms of my ability to 'be my own person' and not feel so 'cornered' and threatened all the time around people. But rather being able to 'relax' a bit more. Basically being my own person through seeing how other people are their own person. And so nothing is 'personal'.

Similarly I've also found this technique of placing the person inside me to be supportive when it comes to expressing myself and communicating with people, as that has also been quite a great point of stress for me throughout my life. Where I'd get all sorts of anxious and insecure inside myself pretty much anytime I'd try to say anything to people. By placing them within me, I can immediately get a feel of the kind of person they are and 'what they need' so to speak. As in, how I can most effectively communicate with them in a way that's most supportive for them. It'll feel more 'natural' for me to express myself actually as well, as though my body and my self aligns itself with the person in a sort of dance or flow of expression - expressing exactly what is 'needed' in the context of who that person is. And so in the context of support as what is 'best for all'. And I don't need to think about it, there's no reactions or fears or worries involved. It's all quite natural and relaxed. And I never end up judging myself or feeling insecure about how I expressed myself, because I could see and understand exactly how my expression was 'specific' to who that person was. 

This is all still 'moments' though at this point. It's points I'm still practicing and developing. And I have my 'good days and bad days'. Days when it comes more easily to apply this, and days when I'm overall feeling more insecure and reactive within myself and I kind of 'forget' about this application. Where I'm more 'sensitive' to react and take things personally, and just being less 'directive' with myself and just spending more time in my mind. And my mind will definitely take advantage of that, to 'power up' a lot of emotional personalities within me of insecurity and hurt in relation to people. So it's important to stay focused on living the solution and integrating these techniques and applications as new ways of living, in place of the old ways of emotional reacting and taking things personally.

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Relaxation is...

 

So there's this one point that keeps coming back in my process. Which is that I need to RELAX. And it keeps coming back meaning that I will see the utmost importance of having to relax for me specifically, as i will in a moment see the extensive amount of stress and pressure I and my body is on in general and how it's destroying my body specifically. And I'll be like 'oh shit I need to find a way to relax!' and realize that needs to be my absolute priority in my process. 

But then somehow, that 'utmost importance' sort of fades and after a while I find myself at the same point only worse this time because I did not listen and so have now put even more strain on my body - rather than having actually focused and worked on the solution, being: relaxation. I always find more, and other things important. Like oh I need to do writing and self-forgiveness, and color readings, and this and that and the other thing.  Focusing on all these different things that I 'need to do' and completely losing track of what I realized as actually important.

So this time what came up was this experience of just being so 'tired'. My body being tired. Me being tired. So tired that I'm ready to just give up and call it quits. I'm ready to die. 'I can't go on fighting anymore'. And it kind of frightened me in a way, this experience. Because, I don't get depressed. But this was like legit depression on a very physical level. And so I had a look at what have I been doing to myself to get myself to that point? For that to be my actual experience on a physical level. And I realized I've been working myself up so much again. So much stress and so much pressure again, that I'd been accepting and allowing within me on a constant bases.

So this prompted me to look at: Ok how to RELAX? And what does it mean to 'relax'? Is it just doing some meditation techniques every once in a while or is there more to it? I realized that to relax for me is mostly to accept myself. To stop looking for 'more'. To be content with where I'm at and where my life is at. To stop trying to force things because I'm thinking that my life should be different. So what if I'm working a 'dead end job'? So what if I am working six days a week? So what if that is all there is and possibly will ever be to my life?

To relax is to be content with how things are. To not be in that survival mode of thinking about the future and having and needing to create something 'more' and 'better'. I mean yes I can obviously create something different for myself and direct my life, but it won't be based on any survival based energy drive. It'll be a point of self-expression and -enjoyment. And for that, I need to first settle in and be content with where I'm at right now, and embrace that. Because, maybe all the things that I've been focusing on to try and 'make more of my life and self', isn't even really what is best for me per se and isn't really aligned with my self-expression. Because part of my starting point has been this point of 'I want more'. And that can really smother self-expression and -enjoyment.

What's important for me is to not have 'more', but to actually let go and sort of sink into what is HERE and, it sounds cliche but, finding the 'more' in what's already here. And for me that means walking through and releasing the points of stress and pressure and finding that point of 'relaxing'. Through for instance, as and while I am working, being in the moment. Not going into that 'rushing' experience I so easily slip into. Where I'm busy working on a million things at once. And am juggling many different ideas of all the things I could still do. And I'm already thinking about the next thing. And am really sort of on my tail 'as though the very whips of my masters were behind me'.

A lot of which also has to do with memory programming where during my childhood I was in a way 'rushed' in that sense, or rather felt that I was. And felt as though I could not relax, because relaxing and 'taking it easy' was in a way seen as 'laziness'. So now there is the greatest resistance to taking it slow and easy and steady within 'relaxing'. Where for instance I pay attention to what I am realistically able to handle, or simply move at the pace of the physical breath and don't rush myself through my tasks using adrenaline energy, trying to get everything done at once. So that I found was something that's come up with forcing myself to take it slow. A fear of being seen as 'lazy', and a belief that people would JUDGE my 'relaxing' as 'laziness' and something 'bad'. Even though, I'm still getting the job done. I am just moving at a slightly slower pace as I am just being more considerate of what I am realistically physically able to do from moment to moment without straining myself. And so am not 'miss perfect' anymore who magically gets everything done and more, but am also more 'relaxed' with how I do my tasks. 

Another point that's come up that's been contributing to my constant stress-level, is a 'fear of people'. But that's something to open up for my next blog.