Friday, July 10, 2020

To Be Different

This is a continuation of my previous post "Tourettes"

There’s this pain in my side, on the left side of my abdomen, that’s come up today. And I thought I'd also just share here how I work with pains in my body to find the related mind-point. Looking into it, with gauging the intensity/location of it, it’s quite a superficial pain so not penetrating into the depths of the organ there, so its not necessarily a ‘deep’ issue. But it is in my ‘internal organs’ area so indicating that it is part of sort of ‘who I am’ inside. My definition of myself. So something that’s ‘mildly’ paining my existence of ‘who I am’ lol. And when I pressed the point what came up was something I’d been looking at earlier actually. This belief I’ve always had of myself as being ‘different’.

Something that’s always made me feel kind of ‘sad’ and ‘defeated’/’deflated’ within myself. Which was also the sensation/inner experience that came up within me when pressing the point on my body. One major point that’s always been sort of on the forefront of myself, has been this desire to ‘relate’ to other people. Yet, at the same time always coming back to the point of not being able to shake the perception and experience that there’s just ‘something’ that’s ‘different’ about me. That for whatever reason, I seem to be unable to connect with and relate to other people in the way that people seem to generally relate and connect with each other.

I would talk about how I experience myself and how I see things with people, to try and understand or try and figure out what is going on. To try and get to the bottom of what it is and why my experience of myself in this world always seemed just ‘different’. Just in how my mind operated and the things that were in my conscious mind awareness. It’s like, in a way I was like everybody else, but at the same time I wasn’t, in some substantial kind of way.

Not just in how I experienced myself, but also just my general expression. How I respond to things. My ‘social behavior’. And the way my mind processes things. It was always a little ‘off’ lol. Just that little bit ‘different’. Just that little bit ‘shifted’ from what’s ‘normal’. But even just that ‘little bit’ of difference, made all the difference lol. It’s made me go, “WTF is going on here!” for much of my life. And I’m sure it’s what ultimately pushed me to start walking my process with Desteni, to just try and get to the bottom of WTF is going on so I could stop feeling so ‘out of place’ and ‘weird’ and ‘shifted’ all the time. So I could finally answer that question mark that has haunted me and get some sense of stability within myself in terms of just knowing who I am.

So anyways lol, this pain in my abdomen was essentially showing me that I am still busy ‘defining’ myself according to this belief of ‘I am different’, connected with emotional experiences of separation, disconnection, sadness and aloneness. I had already walked some self-forgiveness and had supported myself to come to a realization that pretty much the reason why I’ve always felt so ‘different’, so separated, disconnected, out of place, left out and alone was primarily because I just never had an understanding of things. Not understanding why my mind is the way it is and what the mind is to begin with. Not understanding or seeing how the mind exists and that what made me ‘different’ was more a consequence of certain things that happened in the development of my mind and the integration between my mind, being and body that took place even in the womb.

I’m not ACTUALLY ‘different’. In terms of the mind and how it’s structured and operates, sure, just like with human beings who suffer from mental illnesses, I’m ‘different’. But at the end of the day I am a being, who has been programmed within a mind consciousness system here on earth. And who now must walk their process of self-responsibility. Of figuring it all out for myself. And because of my ‘unique’ and ‘different’ mind my process may be a little different as well. But I mean, the mind is the mind. The system and structure and the building blocks of it is exactly the same in everybody. Sometimes things just happen within a beings life that cause some form of ‘trauma’ to the mind and that create these sort of ‘shifts’ where the mind just develops a little differently than normal. It’s just ‘tough luck’, cause you still need to walk your process with and through your mind the way that it is. At the end of the day it’s what you’ve accepted and allowed so it’s now yours to take responsibility for.

For support with body-pains and with identifying the related mind-points, find me on Space of Grace where I do QCK sessions.


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