This is a continuation of my previous post "Unrealistic Expectations"
Lately I have been getting more ‘hands-on’ with a particular programming that’s always been there on like a very very ‘quantum mind’ kind of level. Quantum mind, meaning that it’s just so much ‘me’ – so much part of just my automated reactions and experiences of and within myself – that I don’t even SEE that this is me. Or may be somewhat aware of in general terms, but cannot seem to put my finger on exactly when or how I am participating in it, which makes it very difficult to actually CHANGE it.
But then, these quantum mind programmings just take their time to sort of ‘unravel’ themselves, enough for me to finally be able to get more down-and-practical with them. Where I’m like ‘hah, I see you now! Time to start directing this mofo!’ So this particular mofo is this interesting sort of personality design that I have copied from my mother’s side (which is also something I’m only now more clearly SEEING – in terms of it quite literally just being a PROGRAMMING that’s been developed and passed down throughout generations). And it is a design of ‘not ever taking ANY responsibility’. BUT it’s also a very peculiar and tricky design. Because it hides behind a personality design of believing myself to be VERY responsible lol.
With the ‘common denominator’ in it all just being how the word ‘responsibility’ has come to be defined within my mind. Where I will for instance believe that I am a ‘very responsible’ individual, because I ‘always try to do the right thing’. I have a ‘righteousness complex’ in terms always doing my very best to ‘do right by’ other people and sort of ‘doing everything right’, within who I am as a person in relation to other people. Doing everything right basically so that NO ONE CAN EVER BLAME ME FOR ANYTHING. So I can never be held ‘responsible’ for anything. And anything that happens, it’ll always be someone else’s responsibility. Cause hey, I’ve just been doing my very best to ‘do everything right’ so don’t look at me.
So essentially that means that anything I go through internally, like when I feel hurt or am reacting, it must be because the other person isn’t ‘understanding’ or ‘considerate’ or ‘respectful’, and so not doing THEIR best to ‘treat me right’. To take ‘responsibility’ for ME, the way I take responsibility for THEM. So within all this I am not taking any responsibility for ME. Because I’ve defined ‘responsibility’ within ‘blame’, wherein I am basically just trying to make sure that I don’t ever get blamed for anything. That I am always doing everything ‘right’. And that thus, I can always be in a position to blame everybody else for anything that goes ‘wrong’. That I can always go ‘well I feel hurt because of what that THAT person did’. Rather than it being ‘I feel hurt because of what I am doing to myself internally. Which would be ACTUAL responsibility.
ACTUAL responsibility, having nothing to do with ‘blame’, but being simply about the realization and understanding that I AM ALONE. And that everything that ‘happens’, everything that is ‘here’, is me. And so I am always ‘responsible’ for EVERYTHING. Blame, or ‘fault’, has nothing to do with it, it’s just FACT. A fact that has long been ignored. And so now yes we are in this mess. Now there’s lots to take responsibility for. Lots to go through and face and realize ourselves as responsible. Lots of those automatic reactions of blaming another for things I’m experiencing to now direct, and realize that it’s really never about anyone ‘else’. There’s only me.