This is a continuation of my previous post "LIFE in the DARKNESS"
I’ve always had this big fear of people thinking I’m a ‘bitch’. You know, someone who is snappy and reactive and takes their anger and frustrations and reactions out on those around her. So I’ve always done my darnest to be suuuuuuuper nice. Nice and friendly and cheerful and pleasant and enjoyable and whatever you want, as long as you don’t ever think that I am a ‘bitch’. I mean I’m talking about an actual phobia here. Like I am TERRIFIED of being judged as a ‘bitch’.
But the thing is, that I have also noticed a pattern of there being reactions of anger that in moments want to come up in relation to the people in my reality. Moments of wanting to voice an ‘opinion’ on something, which on the surface seems ‘innocent’ enough but when I have a closer look is actually coming from suppressed anger and frustration. And so if I’d actually allow myself to speak that ‘opinion’ in that moment, yes it would come across as ‘bitchy’. Because even though I may not be aware of my hidden, suppressed anger hiding behind the comment, other people would surely pick up on it.
So why are these moments of hidden/suppressed anger as snide/bitchy comments wanting to come up? Because I’m trying to be so nice all the time lol. Cause for most of the time I am not actually being myself. I’m not allowing myself to relax and be myself, as I’m trying to always ‘hold it all together’ within ‘just trying to be a nice person’. It’s like all that ‘niceness’ and all the worrying about what people think of me creates this ‘pressure’ inside myself that comes out as ANGER.
And it’s funny actually because even though I’ve always been such a ‘nice’ person, someone who never gets angry at anyone, I’ve always had ‘resting bitch-face’ lol. In a way my face always showed the anger that I was busy suppressing. Or rather the anger inside myself that was the result of me suppressing my expression and not allowing myself to be myself. An anger which I then also did not express obviously.
My physical body was essentially showing that even though I try so hard to be such a ‘nice person’, I am actually not happy about it lol. And so I’ve created this ‘polarity’ within and as myself of on the one hand being ‘super nice’ and on the other hand being actually very grumpy and so ‘bitchy’ I guess. And both going hand in hand, since I’m really only grumpy and bitchy BECAUSE I think I need to be ‘nice’ and can’t just be ‘me’.
So in a way, as I am smiling at people within the ‘nice person’ character, I am actually at the same time angry at them because I feel like I HAVE TO be ‘nice’ to them or they’ll judge me for being a ‘bitch’. What a mind-fuck. So yes all those times when people asked me what I’m angry about because of my ‘resting bitch-face’ and I didn’t see what I might have been angry about at all and so believed people were just judging my appearance, they actually weren’t far off. They were just seeing an anger that was physically manifested as it was so suppressed and so unconscious within me. I was in no way even aware of it myself.
So obviously the real problem here is the ‘nice person character’, or rather ‘personality design’. This whole, ‘oh everybody needs to like me’, and ‘it’s important I get along with everybody’ and ‘everyone needs to be my friend’ bullshit. Cause it just feels so disingenuous to be at once so ‘friendly’ and so resentful in relation to people. That behind ‘please be my friend’, there exists an ‘I fear/hate you and don’t actually want to have anything to do with you’.
No wonder that I have the hardest time actually making REAL friends. Like, actually connecting and relating with people on a real and genuine level. It’s always with a ‘fake smile’ that I interact with people. A forced smile, motivated by fear.
So I need to basically find a way to sort of be Ok with myself. Not looking for any ‘friendship’ from the people around me. So I can be ‘genuine’. And it’s funny that I always wanted to be genuine, so that people would like me better. While being genuine is more about just liking yourself and being your own friend, not really being bothered with ‘other people’.
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