Tuesday, July 14, 2020
To Be Genuine
This is a continuation of my previous post "To Accept Failure"
I've always thought of myself as a very genuine person. Someone who does her best to be open and honest and straightforward. Who doesn't harbor nasty thoughts about others and who can be trusted. This is who I 'genuinely' believed I was as a person. But with the support of my body, I realized that the reality was quite the opposite. With the support of my body, meaning that it's only cause I noticed this weird pimple, but-not-quite-a-pimple, looking thing on my left upper leg today and then looked into the related mind-point of it that this realization opened up. The realization that 'I am not genuine AT ALL'.
That in fact, all of my being 'genuine', and 'open' and 'honest' and 'trustworthy', has actually always been based on one singular point within myself. That point being the 'desire to be a good person'. And if there is one thing that is extremely disingenuous or that cause one to be disingenuous, it's that. The desire to be a good person, so that my soul may go to heaven after I die. That's what it comes down to.
Where, I am not open with others because I truly care about them. I am not honest or kind or understanding because I truly care about others. My real motivation is this one point inside me that everything sort of revolves around. 'Please God I want to be a 'good person' so that I may be rewarded in the end.' And that one point existing within me basically makes everything I do, no matter how 'good' or 'right' it all may seem, completely disingenuous and deceptive.
Because, when I am interacting and communicating and hanging out with other people, I am not truly WITH them, with my presence and awareness and full being in that moment, connecting with that person, and expressing who I am, all of me, in and as that one moment. No, I am actually in some alternate dimension in the back of my mind thinking about 'my soul' and 'my future' and 'after I die' and 'I just want to be good' and 'I hope I go to heaven'. Where, it's all truly about ME, ME, ME and whether my dear little soul will be saved in the end. Always really looking out for number one.
So obviously, when I realized this, it was quite a shock actually. Cause I truly believed I am a 'genuine person' lol. Turns out I'm actually quite deceptive, self-interested, manipulative, self-involved and abusive. Hiding behind these lies I tell myself about who I am so that I can keep that feeling of 'hope' alive, that all will be well for me in the end. That 'I'll get to go to heaven in the end cause I'm a good person'. Not actually LIVING the word GENUINE, but more BELIEVING that I am this word, so I can feel good. I mean it's the ultimate self-interest. The ultimate deception. I'm like the last person who deserves to 'go to heaven', turns out.
So, what does it really mean to be 'genuine', and to live GENUINE as a living word? It means to basically let go of FEAR. Cause fear is where self-interest starts. And just like the 'self-interest programming', I've also copied the 'fear programming' from my family. It's again going back to times of war. Times where my ancestors went through horrible things, experienced lack and loss and many things that made them go into this sense of fear and panic as the survival mind. You know, that point where you just want to SURVIVE, and all you can think of is yourself and just finding some point of safety and comfort for yourself. That's what war does. It drives people into ultimate self-interest through ultimate fear as SURVIVAL.
It creates that attitude of 'I must build walls around me to protect myself and my possessions. I cannot ever truly relax or be open or let my walls down because this world is a dangerous place that I must always protect myself from.' An attitude which I then copied from my family without question. Where even now, long after the war, I am living that same mind-set of 'Cannot relax. Must keep my walls up to protect myself and survive.'
But I mean fear is no excuse. It never was. Because war is only the manifested consequence of allowing fear to create division and separation and self-interest. And so the snake eats its own tail. So to be genuine is to find ways to, REGARDLESS of fear and panic, relax, and be open and unconditional. To live the SOLUTION. The solution to end all war, rather than recycling the problems over and over and over again through FEAR.