Putting my foot down

This is a continuation of my previous post "When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing".


I am currently in the process of learning to 'put my foot down', after I realized that it's something I sort of never learned to do. My parents never really 'put their foot down'. Or at least, I always found ways to be able to lift that foot lol. There was always ways to 'manipulate' and 'get around' the foot. A lot of 'insecurities' and 'doubts', which they weren't even aware of, that I could exploit and take advantage of to still get my way. And so I more learned that I can ALWAYS 'get away with' doing what I want, as long as I know how to manipulate.

And I've found that even in my process, in relation to myself, I have that attitude. Of manipulating myself to still get away with self-interest and abuse, and exploit whatever insecurities and doubts I have to make me waver in my decision to not accept any abuse. To still 'get around' the foot that I'm trying to put down. Of giving myself the run-around and messing with my 'authority' in the same way that I messed with my parents' authority - just because I could.

Because yes, there was a weakness, and it needs to be exploited lol. Because yes, my parents should have been more steadfast, assertive and certain of themselves. Cause you can't expect your child to 'respect your authority' when you yourself don't entirely. Just like me, I need to be more steadfast, assertive and certain when making decisions and 'putting my foot down', not giving myself any leeway to abuse or manipulate. Standing ABSOLUTE. When I say 'no more abuse', then I mean 'no more abuse' with my whole being. 'No if, and or buts about it.'

Learning to say 'NO' essentially. Because, somebody has to. Cause I suppose it must be a generational thing, to have that 'weakness'. The 'weak constitution' which I also realized and referred to in my previous blog post, "When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing". It's basically 'pity'. Which is a disempowering form of 'empathy' in a way lol.

Pity is a result of a sense of victimization within self, when you've been 'wronged' in some way and you're still stuck in blame. And you go 'oh poor me and what's been done to me'. And you believe that you are a 'victim', entirely disempowered by your own reactions to 'what happened to you'. And that sense of disempowerment/victimization/blame does run in my 'generational lineage'. So that was a 'weakness' I could exploit in my parents.

I knew that their pity would make them question their own decisions. It would make them think, 'oh, maybe I'm being too harsh' or 'maybe I'm being inconsiderate', 'maybe I'm being a bad person'. So if I acted REALLY hurt and victimized, and got them to pity me, I could manipulate their decisions. But within that process I then obviously also learned to operate according to the same programming - of accepting an 'inner weakness' as the experience of disempowerment. Something that actually started out as just a way for me to manipulate my environment so I'd get what I wanted.

But really what all this comes down to, is just this point of 'I don't want to do this'. I don't 'feel like'/I don't 'want to' do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing. So I pretend like it's 'too hard' and it's 'too difficult' and 'oh poor me, crumbling under all this pressure, and the overwhelmingness!' While, there's really nothing wrong with my 'ability' to do it, I simply just 'don't want to' and I'm trying to worm my way out from under it.

So from that perspective, putting my foot down means to stop buying into my own bullshit lol. Stop buying into this whole 'I'm so weak. I'm so disempowered'-act. Cause really, so far I haven't really found anything that I'm genuinely not able to handle. And most of my 'I can't handle this' has been a consequence of my DELIBERATE over-pressuring myself just to generate and create a mental/emotional state of disempowerment, for the sheer purpose of manipulation.

And I now need to do what my parents essentially should have done, which is to tell myself to 'get over it' basically lol. 'Just do it' and stop whining, stop deliberately victimizing yourself, stop blaming, anytime I see myself finding excuses/reasons/justifications to not follow through on and undermine my decisions. Simple.



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My CV for LIFE

I suppose the point that I can stand as in terms of how I can be of service and support for human beings, is the point of ASSERTIVENESS. The point of 'getting off your ass' basically. Because I have always lived disempowerment and laziness, as in just not ever doing anything with and in my life. Always finding it just very difficult to get myself moving or motivate myself or get myself to do anything that I don't necessarily HAVE to do.

I was lazy in many and in fact most, if not all, areas of my life. And existed basically in a state of 'giving up' on just about everything. Not having that 'umpff', that drive within me to make something of myself or of my life, or to even take care of myself and my environment. Not really seeing the purpose or the 'point', or any real 'reason' to make much of an effort within anything. Not seeing the value in most of all myself, nor any real reason to care about myself and what I do in and with my life.

Rather I'd be very much a 'victim' to feelings and emotions. Just kind of letting myself go and being the 'toy' of whatever energy comes up in me. Never sort of 'taking a stand' to direct or decide 'who I am', because I just never found anything 'worthwhile' to stand up for. Essentially living the statement of 'I don't see the value in life' and 'I don't see the value in me'.

And yes, I am still busy walking and changing this point. 'Standing up' and 'taking charge' and 'being assertive' in all areas of my life.

But I have managed to change a few points already.

1. In terms of caring for and directing my physical environment. Which started with creating a living space for myself that I felt satisfied and happy with, rather than just being 'OK' with 'whatever'. Then introducing the concept of 'cleaning' lol. Slowly but surely building a consistency and thoroughness in terms of how I clean. And coming to understand the importance of 'cleaning' as actually more a symbolic point actually. Where, sure technically or theoretically you don't 'need' to clean certain things or areas in your space every week, but just the act of cleaning it anyways is an act of care. It's me stating 'I care', and that's why I do it. And it's also a point of 'being on top of things'. Not letting things slide. But taking action and moving myself and 'taking care' of my environment, in a physical, literal sense. So I've changed in this point, yet still in the process of perfecting it.
2. Then there's the point of self-creation, as in 'pursuing' something in this world and reality. and moving and pushing a point into creation. Sort of 'making it happen one way or the other' and not just waiting around for it to maybe possibly one day happen on its own. Which started with first figuring out who I actually am in terms of what I do want to create for myself. Finding my 'starting point' as the point of 'value' within and for myself. A point within me wherein I can see 'value' to express myself from that point. Whereas how it used to be is that I would just express myself based on how I thought I 'needed to', to make other people happy or get them off my back or just kind of 'go along' with things. I first allowed myself to let go of all the things I was doing just because I felt I 'had to' for whatever reason, so that I could start with a 'clean slate', by turning inwards and really just getting to know myself unconditionally. Placing myself first and starting from there. Finding out what I enjoy, what I find important, what my real genuine self-expression is. And then from there I have to push myself to create a 'future' in this world. 'Carve my path' so to speak, and truly ASSERT myself and 'engrave' who I am within and as this reality. Just like what companies and brands do and have done. They 'brand' themselves, like a stamp, into reality and into the consciousness and the minds of human beings. Also a point I've changed in, yet am still in the process of perfecting.
3. The third point is with regards to walking my process. Being more 'hands-on'. More 'structured'. More driven and dedicated and not so much 'flying by the seam of my pants'. Not so much assuming that 'oh I'm special and I will realize myself as life at some point regardless, without having to necessarily really push myself', but rather really pushing and more realizing and considering that actually, the odds are always against me. And I have to be on top of my game every day, in every moment. Not being too shy to face points that make me uncomfortable and not too lazy to walk whatever writing or self-forgiveness or redefining words is required. I could use some work in this department still as well, where I realize I don't use ALL tools at my disposal. Specifically when it comes to learning from other people's process through listening to Eqafe recordings, Bernard's recordings and reading others' blogs. That is an area where I have not been pushing myself and require some more specificity. So again, a point I have been changing, yet still perfecting.
4. Another point is with regards to my 'self-trust', which is where I have reeeeaaaaal issues. This has been a more tricky point for me. I am very lazy when it comes to my self-direction and self-expression. In that I would rather have something else direct me and tell me how to express myself. In this I've been relying a little too much on muscle testing because I find it easier to just test on things than to sort of figure things out by myself. It's like this point within myself where I'm like "nah I'll rather just follow directions and just do what's expected of me than to actually go through the hassle of basically learning to express myself". Going through the process of getting to know my expression and how to effectively express the 'real me'. It's a bit scary and my reaction in the face of fear is to give up and search for something outside of myself to place my trust in. So this one I'm very much still in the beginning stages of changing.

So with this on my resume as my 'experience', I would say that the position I could stand in is in assisting and supporting others who are like me. Human beings who are also living that statement of 'I don't see the value in me' and are living this point of disempowerment and laziness within themselves and their lives. This is the 'pillar' I can stand as, of being a leading example of how to change this self-accepted programming. How to change from being disempowered and lazy, to being assertive and effective.

I hope that you will consider me in this role. I am looking forward to being a valuable part of your team.


Kim Amourette

Choices, choices, choices

This is a continuation of my previous post "To live as GOD"

So assertiveness to me is to in every moment be who I know is my best self. Or rather my actual self. Because I do actually know deep down that when it comes to the mind in terms of thoughts, feelings and emotions and behavior, that it’s not who I really am. And that is why my whole life I have always been in a battle against my mind. Because I knew that the mind is just not ‘honorable’. I could see that all the reactions that come up in me from moment to moment and the thoughts and experiences and sometimes behavior, is just not worthy of respect basically. It’s like an inferior way of living and existing. And so I would always be in a battle with myself as the mind because I knew I wasn’t being my ‘best self’ internally or that I wasn’t even being a ‘decent being’ actually. Because the mind is just overall not anything of honesty or integrity. The mind is just reactions and reactive. It’s secrets and deception and separation.

Overall the mind makes the human being dishonerable and just not live in a way that is ‘decent’. So I did always see that the mind isn’t and cannot be the ‘real me’ cause it’s just not ‘worthy’ of life. But at the same time I never directed the mind. I never had solutions in place. I never ‘took charge’ of the mind. I rather just allowed it to exist, while trying my best to ‘fight’ it and battle it as I tried not to ‘be’ it. Always existing in this battle of just not really knowing what to do with it, and what to do with myself as it. Cause obviously it is inferior and unworthy so it can’t actually exist. But at the same time it’s all that I could see of ‘me’ and I just didn’t see what else to be or do, other than maybe try to suppress myself as much as I can, to at least keep myself from doing as little ‘harm’ as possible. Because, to exist in and as the mind, is to do ‘harm’.

I never recognized that I do actually have the ability to just decide in every moment who and how to be INSTEAD of the mind. Because, while yes, there is the mind that comes up as reactions and thoughts and nastiness and shit, there is actually also a ‘potential’, as the point of who I really am as life. What would be ‘best’ in other words. There’s always the ‘worst’ as the mind, but also the ‘best’ as who I am as life. It just takes effort and it takes me being assertive and stand up and lead myself, to be what’s ‘best’ and to be ‘the real me’. It takes me standing one and equal with the mind and realizing that just like I’ve been allowing the mind to decide who I am, I have the ability to decide to not be the mind, and to actually be what I in that moment see is my ‘best self’.

That’s the point of assertiveness. In a way it is to no longer be ‘lazy’. To no longer just ‘allow’ the mind to define me and give my power away to it, but to stand as the ‘creator’. Essentially realizing that who or whatever created the mind, I stand one and equal with them. It’s just that I never took responsibility for myself as ‘the creator’ of myself and so just allowed something or someone else to be and become that. Just because they did move themselves, and direct themselves. And they did DECIDE that they wanted to create something. Granted, whatever they created was a system of slavery and inferiority and certainly not in honor of life. But, they did CREATE something. They created the programming of the mind. And me, I just accepted and allowed it within and as me, because I did not take responsibility and I did not direct myself or reality. Even though I was always equally able to.

Really, all I ever needed to do was just DECIDE what’s best over what’s not. Because the possibility has always been here. I have always actually seen it and been aware of what’s best. I’ve just never taken that step of simply DECIDING that it is who I really am and deciding to live it. I mean if anything, the mind just presents a choice. Who do I choose to be. And even though I’ve always ‘battled’ the mind, I have still been allowing it and I have still been agreeing to it – because simply I wasn’t just CHOOSING and DECIDING to actually live differently and to be different. I just gave my power away to the mind, willingly – essentially actually ‘choosing’ the mind. Because, if you don’t stand up and sort of ‘take a stand’ and be specific about ‘where you stand’, you are basically agreeing to whatever you’re allowing to decide for you and then that actually becomes who you ‘choose’ to be.

There is no such thing as NOT choosing. You are always choosing, either through your action or inaction. So, ‘assertiveness’ is to really ‘take charge’ essentially of all the ‘mind points’ that I’ve always just ‘given my power away to’, and DECIDE to rather live words. To rather live my own ‘programming’ as living words as what is best. Because that’s all that the mind is. It’s programming. And, because I have always been too lazy to understand the programming, let alone create my own programming, I’ve always perceived it as somehow more or bigger than myself – and perceived myself as ‘just a slave to it’. When really all it actually was, was my own accepted and allowed laziness. My unwillingness to ‘take charge’ and ‘be the directive principle’ and ‘be a leader’ and ‘take responsibility’. I rather wanted to BE directed so I went along with whatever programming was already here for me to simply step into and live, even though maybe on a deeper level inside myself I didn’t actually agree to it and did realize that it isn’t who I really in fact am. I saw that it was an inferior version of me that I was living. And yet, I did not care enough to actually live something different. Because it would have been easy, to just DECIDE to live differently from what this programming suggests.

Cause at the end of the day it’s just ‘suggestions’, the mind. It’s like, ‘hey do you want to react to this with this emotion?’ or, ‘hey do you want to have this spiteful thought about that person and react to them?’. All I needed to do was give myself different ‘suggestions’ – different ‘instructions’. Just live what’s best in every moment. Stop ‘battling’ the mind and just start living the ‘programming’ of life as best for all in every moment. It’s always HERE. I always have access to it. I always see it. That ‘best version of myself’.

What is real Assertiveness?

  This is a continuation of my previous blog "Living words: Hope and Hopeless"


I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to basically align everything i do on my life with my purpose and goal of changing the world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define certain things that i do in my life as points of 'self-interest' which apparently have nothing to do with my actual purpose and goal in life and so are like points wherein i kind of abandon myself  and things i in a way do behind my own back -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that its not even really about not doing those things anymore, it's about redefining them in terms of aligning them with my purpose and goal, where everything I do is in the name of my purpose and goal of changing the world - and where i thus dont in any way exist in separation of my purpose and goal

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to actually place my goal and purpose in life as my 'why' front and center and so align my entire life and everything i am and do with my 'why'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my 'why' by actually believing that I dont have any power in this world -- and so kind of giving up on myself and my ability to basically take charge and direction of my life and myself in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as disempowered and to therein give up on myself and my assertiveness

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to define power in separation of myself as something that you have 'over' other beings -- and to therein conclude that i have no power over other beings so therefore i must be 'disempowered' -- instead of living power as a living word as basically bringing myself to the point within myself wherein i am not in any way 'tied' to anything in and of this world and wherein i exist alone as that is my point of real 'power'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that power is not related to 'other people'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that that's more how I learned to define power, as in being able to somehow 'force' others to move in a certain way or direction - wherein I've defined power in separation of myself

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to thus define power in and as a polarity wherein i end up defining myself as 'disempowered' because it turns out that I dont have the ability to force others  to do anything

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that real power actually exists within understanding -- and that if anything 'force' as in trying to 'force' others to do things, more comes from a lack of understanding of reality and so also a sense of disempowerment where i just try to 'override' my disempowerment by using 'force' in trying to direct people and reality  --- whereas real power is to actually have insight and understanding of reality in a way where I can assess and see what needs to be done or what CAN be done to create an outcome that is best for all --- as the experience of disempowerment more comes up whenever there is a lack of understanding and insight of how things work, where one then tries to compensate by using FORCE, like how parents will punish their children and use FORCE to get the child to do their bidding, because they actually don't have a real understanding or insight into what makes the child exist in the way that it does or what really motivates this world and reality and what cause the child to sometimes 'act out' or 'rebel' or 'misbehave'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I feel disempowered in this world because i have defined 'power' as 'force', in terms of 'forcing' reality to go the way i want it to - and since I lack that 'force' or that ability I thus conclude that I am disempowered -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that real power is not about 'force' but is about having a thorough understanding of and insight into reality where i then have the ability to see what CAN be done and which direction can be given to reality in a practical way to create an outcome that is best

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word power by defining it in and as an energy polarity with the word disempowerment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live assertiveness as basically 'taking charge' and aligning and directing my life and myself with my goal and purpose, by defining 'power' within and as the ability to 'force' reality into a specific direction and to therefore feel and define myself as disempowered in relation to reality as i do not have that ability

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to realize that to live the word POWER is to gather understanding of and insight into reality and to therein develop the ability to see solutions and see the direction one is able to go into and how one is able to give direction to things without the use of 'force' -- and that thus to live ASSERTIVENESS is to first and foremost empower myself through working on UNDERSTANDING my world and reality and so developing the understanding and insight I need to be able to see how I can practically direct myself and my reality to accomplish and achieve my purpose and goal in this world

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's just a matter of understanding my world and reality better and so understanding and seeing what 'power' as in ability to direct my world and reality to achieve a specific goal or purpose I actually have -- rather than basically just staring at my goal and purpose and then looking at reality and then feeling disempowered because I just don't see a way to get things to go towards that goal/purpose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'power' within and as essentially 'stupidity' as in just having the ability to direct things -- rather than seeing and realizing and understanding that i am leaving out a very important part which is that I first need UNDERSTANDING of and INSIGHT into reality in order to then have the ABILITY to give direction to reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word disempowerment by basically having left out this important part of the definition of power

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that when I am not being assertive, I just need to have a look at where and how within myself am i accepting myself as 'disempowered' -- and so where and how am I not working on UNDERSTANDING my world and reality, but rather am expecting myself to just achieve or accomplish specific goals or a specific purpose without first having an understanding of things, thus then allowing myself to 'give up' on myself and on my goal and purpose within and as the belief that 'i am simply not able to'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to live power and empowerment, by taking the goal and purpose that I want to live and achieve, and humbling myself and sort of making myself very 'small' so that I can really 'take in' and see and consider all of reality and so i can from there see the direction to go into that will have the best outcome -- rather than just being a bulldozer  and thinking and believing that 'empowerment' is just about getting to that goal or purpose without necessarily having any understanding or insight

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have such a hard time being assertive and so easily go into 'disempowerment', because I have a tendency to approach things like a bulldozer, where I see my goal and purpose and I just want to go straight towards it without in any way even understanding what's required to get there or how reality actually works -- which then causes me to feel like I just can't get there and i just can't do it and 'dont have the power to do it' and to then give up and accept myself as disempowered to do anything --- rather than actually doing the opposite and sort of approaching things 'cautiously', and making myself small and humble so that I can first sort of observe my reality and develop an understanding of how my reality works and exists, which is how i then empower myself to be able to see how I can practically DIRECT and ASSERT myself and my reality, to eventually achieve and manifest the goal and purpose

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I have such a hard time being assertive because I actually approach my goals and purpose from the starting point of EGO as the illusion of POWER as in 'forcing my way to my goal and purpose' - and where I then often end up just 'giving up' on my goal and purpose as basically the stance of the 'loser' as I see and realize that I simply do not have that kind of 'power' as in i do not have the ability to just 'force' my way to the goal and purpose

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach my goals and purpose from the starting point of ego as the illusion of power  as in trying to force my way to achieving my goal and purpose without any real understanding or insight into my world and reality -- and to therein then create the point of disempowerment as giving up within myself --- instead of approaching reality from a starting point of humbleness

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be humble when it comes to reality, by having this mentality of just wanting to be able to get to my goal HERE AND NOW and basically have and get what I want NOW NOW NOW -- and so not really consider the actual work and effort and time and patience that it takes for me to practically get myself there

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this mentality and starting point of expecting to have and get what I want IMMEDIATELY as instant satisfaction and gratification as the starting point of EGO rather than considering the actual real-time reality-based effort that it will take to practically get to and give myself and create what it is that I want

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the programming of essentially the 'spoiled child' who is used to being handed everything on a golden platter and who is used to getting and having everything it wants instantly and immediately and who is not used to having to put in work and effort to create and get to the things that she wants

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that my pattern with regards to my goals and purpose has always been that I basically take my goal and purpose and expect to have and get it IMMEDIATELY, and then i get frustrated that I don't or can't have it IMMEDIATELY and then I go into a point of disempowerment and giving up -- because I'm not giving myself the space and time to actually get myself to my goal and purpose in a practical way, nor am I even realizing that to get to my goal and purpose it is going to take time and effort and it will not be immediate, and most of all it is going to take me to take a step back within myself and humble myself in relation to reality and essentially in a way let go of my goal and purpose so that I can first and foremost understand my world and reality and then align myself with reality as it is and then direct reality towards the goal and purpose --- where I essentially need to stop being so 'pushy'

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I need to stop placing my trust in the images and imaginations of my 'goal' and 'purpose' as the things that I 'want', and more just let go and breathe and take a step back so that I can unconditionally have a look at reality as it is, without trying to 'force' anything - and first sort of let reality be what it is without having any expectations or 'wants' -- so that I can first develop an understanding of how things work and exist and what would actually be best in fact and how I could actually practically, effectively direct reality in a way that will have the best outcome

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just let go of the images and imaginations in my mind of the things that I 'want' as my 'goals' and my 'purpose', and to just unconditionally approach reality, without having any expectations or wants, so that I can first UNDERSTAND reality and am able to see how reality is best directed --- which does not require any 'force' or pushiness or expectations or wants, but is rather actually a process of letting go and sort of allowing reality to 'be' what it is without interfering in any way, and then only stepping in once i clearly see what direction would be best

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to just let reality be what it is so that I can first and foremost actually see it for and as what it is and how it actually exists -- without having any expectations or wants --- seeing and realizing and understanding that this is the only way to actually be able to direct reality in a way that is best

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be humble as in to let go of my wants and expectations in relation to MY goals and purpose and 'what I want to create' and what I personally think is important and what I believe I should have and get and what I believe reality should be, and so to just let reality be what it is without having any wants or expectations of it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that humbleness is the only way to actually see and understand reality as it is and be able to in any practical, real way give direction to it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as essentially the point of placing my EGO  as MY WANTS and EXPECTATIONS and DESIRES and MY GOALS and PURPOSE over reality - and essentially saying that what I want and desire is more important than reality itself -- instead of unconditionally letting go of my wants and expectations and desires and so not having any expectations or wants or desires in relation to reality -- so that I can actually be able to see what would in fact be the best way to direct reality to create the best outcome for reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to place reality before myself by having NO expectations or personal wants or desires in relation to reality and so actually simply seeing reality as it exists so as to direct it in a way that will create the best outcome for reality --- where it isn't about 'me' and what I want for myself or what I personally imagine or envision reality to be, but it's about what is ACTUALLY best for reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as the ego of the mind as the belief that reality is about ME and about the things that I want and the things that I imagine reality to be -- wherein i basically take on a stance of trying to FORCE reality into a certain direction based on what I want and expect and desire and so don't actually consider what is best for reality itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even have an ego to begin with, as these personal wants and needs and desires and expectations which are not in alignment with what is best for reality -- but wherein i basically exist in this secluded and separated space inside the mind, only seeing or considering reality from the starting point of what I want as my 'self-interest'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider existing in separation of reality, within and as the ego of the mind, and having these wants, needs and desires which I believe are more important than reality itself -- and where I actually only see reality as a means to get my wants, needs and desires

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that my wants, needs and desires are more important than reality itself -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that reality is all that matters because at the end of the day reality is what provides for me, so if I do not honor and support reality, then I'm basically also sabotaging myself from being able to actually get the things I want and need

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's by placing reality first and honoring reality before myself - that i actually simultaneously give myself the things that I want and need

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so selfish and self-involved and greedy and inconsiderate that I would not even consider reality at all and that i would actually believe that my personal wants and needs are more important than reality itself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the point of 'greed' to exist within myself as the point of basically only considering my personal wants and needs and placing those over and before reality - rather than honoring and placing reality before myself and realizing that reality is more important than myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to basically consider ANYTHING before myself -- and to always place myself as my wants and needs before everything

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to consider that reality is more important than 'me' -- and that I need to support and care for and look after reality first and foremost, before myself and before any personal wants and needs

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically be so consumed with greed that i've never even recognized that reality even 'exists' as I was always only focused on and consumed with my wants and needs

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to even see or realize that reality even exists

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as self-interest as this point of not even recognizing or realizing that reality exists as I place my wants and needs before everything

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this is who I really am, that I simply am consumed by self-interest and that's just 'who I am' and what defines me -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that I've actually just forgotten who I really am as life - because who I really am is humbleness as placing reality before myself and having no wants or needs but rather caring for reality before myself and recognizing that reality is more important than 'me'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it's basically just become a 'habit' and an 'addiction' to always only consider and think about my wants and needs before everything, rather than letting go of 'myself' and placing reality first

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to exist and stand in and as a constant 'letting go' of myself as personal wants and needs in every moment -- and so basically not allowing a 'me' to exist, where only 'reality' exists and I simply exist in the service of reality

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to, instead of asking myself 'what do I want', asking myself 'what does reality need' - and so simply not having any 'personal wants and needs'



When and as i feel like I'm just participating in 'self-interest' and that what I am doing is not aligned with my goal and purpose  -- then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that this experience is a consequence of having an approach to reality wherein I only consider 'what I want' as 'MY goal/purpose' rather than placing reality first and actually considering what is best for reality

I see and realize and understand that within this self-interested approach to reality I basically exist within a point of 'pushiness' and 'forcefulness', as I'm trying to get reality to be as I imagine and want and expect it to be

and I see and realize and understand that I am therein not doing what is best for reality as I'm not placing reality first

I see and realize and understand that I've basically all my life existed in and as this point of placing self-interest before and above reality and seeing and perceiving reality purely as a means to get and have my self-interest

I see and realize and understand that this is however not who I really am and that who I really am is humbleness as unconditionally letting go of any point of self-interest as personal wants, needs and desires and placing reality and the care and support and consideration of reality before myself

I see and realize and understand that any issues I have with being 'assertive' in my life is because within my approach to reality I place self-interest first as what I personally want need and desire rather than placing reality first in terms of what's actually best for reality

I see and realize and understand that within this approach of self-interest to reality I tend to not actually consider what it actually practically takes to get to a specific goal or live a specific purpose as I only consider what I WANT and NEED and EXPECT from reality

and so i see and realize and understand that I therefore also easily will go into feeling disempowered and then giving up and so will not be assertive

I see and realize and understand that being assertive actually comes from and is based on letting go of my personal wants and needs and expectations so I can see and observe reality as it actually is without any personal interference and so understand how reality actually works and exists and what's actually required to be able to direct reality towards the best outcome for reality

I see and realize and understand that to be assertive I must thus RELAX as in unconditionally let go of any personal wants, needs, desires or expectations  and so essentially just let things be -- so that I can then start seeing my ACTUAL role within reality as in my actual purpose and 'power' to direct reality in a way that's best for reality

I see and realize and understand that thus real POWER is to stand in and as a point of understanding and to SEE how I can practically and effectively direct reality in a way that is best -- and so is not in any way a point of forcefulness or pushiness and has nothing to do with 'what I want'

I commit myself to live the word POWER through actually RELAXING and unconditionally letting go of any points of self-interest as personal wants, needs and desires - and so to simply let reality be what it is so I can see what is actually needed and required of me to direct reality in a way that is best for reality

I commit myself to live the word HUMBLENESS as the point of letting go of personal wants and needs and desires and placing reality before myself and existing in the service of reality, rather than placing my wants, needs and desires before reality

I commit myself to place reality before myself and to live and exist in the service of reality - supporting and caring for reality before myself and essentially being a 'vessel' or a 'catalyst' for reality to realize itself as life in and as the physical and exist in a way that is best for itself, which I see, realize and understand includes ME

I commit myself to step into my ACTUAL role and purpose within reality, by letting go of self-interest as personal wants, needs and desires - and basically just allowing reality to just be what it is so that I can see clearly what is actually required of me by reality --- and so not impose my wants needs or desires onto reality

I commit myself to live the word ASSERTIVE by basically allowing reality to show me what is needed and required of me rather than me trying to impose my wants, needs and desires onto it

I commit myself to thus take a step back within myself, letting go of any points of self-interest as my wants, needs and desires, and allowing reality to be what it is without me in any way imposing anything onto it, so that I can see how I can contribute and direct reality in a way that is best for reality

I commit myself to basically mainly just work on RELAXING, as I see and realize and understand that this is essentially my main point -- to let go of my 'involvement' in reality, letting go of my 'personal interests' and my 'vested interests' in reality, and really learn to just unconditionally LET GO -- so that I can stand purely in the service of reality without constantly being stimulated or guided by personal wants, needs and desires as self-interest --- where I need to learn to in every moment essentially completely let go of everything that is 'me' and stand completely 'clear' before reality so I can be a 'vessel' and 'catalyst' for reality -- directed and moved not by self-interest but by life and reality itself  -- truly doing what is best for reality

Living words: Hope and Hopeless

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the words hope and hopelessness as an energy polarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live and define myself in and as the word hope as a point of not wanting to take responsibility for what is here, not wanting to be here, and not wanting to stand one and equal with what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word hope as the point of not wanting to take responsibility for what is here, not wanting to stand one and equal with what is here and not wanting to accept what is here as me but rather wanting to escape and run away to something apparently ‘better’ – and so existing in ‘hope’ as a ‘feeling’ that’s like a constant longing for something ‘better’ and ‘more’ and a rejection of what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word hope by just allowing it to define me and just allowing myself to live this world without awareness or self-responsibility for who I am in relation to this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word hope instead of seeing and realizing that it is not what is best for me in and as oneness and equality – because whats best for me is to accept what is here and stand one and equal with it in and as self-responsibility and so not exist in a point of escapism – but to actually take responsibility to direct what is here – where if anything if hope were a real practical living word it would mean to actually take responsibility for what is here and accept things as they are and then direct them toward the best outcome for all – which is not a point of escapism but more a point of assertiveness, wherein I don’t need ‘hope’ as a feeling

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live the word assertiveness rather than the word ‘hope’ – as in to take responsibility for what is here and accept what is here and to stand up and take charge and direct what is here towards an outcome that’s best for all

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that living in and as the word hope only disempowers me in relation to reality as I am not accepting reality as it is and I am trying to escape, which is effectively impossible, so I end up just sort of generating and participating in feeling energy to create the illusion that I can ‘escape’, while really I’m just preoccupying my awareness so that I would be blinded and just wouldn’t be faced with or see directly what is here as reality, even though it’s still right here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to be blind and choose to not see directly what is here in and as reality by existing in and as hope as escapism – instead of just accepting that what is here is ‘me’ as ‘reality’, and that it just ‘is what it is’ and the only thing that’s going to ‘make it go away’ or ‘make it better’ is if I take charge and be assertive and actually take it upon myself to direct what is here

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to simply accept what is here as reality and actually MAKE it better and MAKE it work, and be ASSERTIVE – realizing and understanding that there is no ‘escape’, that this is it, this is all there is and this is all I’ve got, so I need to be the directive principle of what is here rather than going into escapism in the mind within and as the word ‘hope’ and the polarity of ‘hope’ and ‘hopeless’, and essentially stop playing energy games with myself in the mind and get real with myself and start trusting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to basically wait until things get to a point where I am forced to stand up and take action and forced to be ‘assertive’, where at that point usually it will be driven by fear of survival --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that I should have already stood and I should have already been assertive and directing reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the word ‘hope’, along with ‘hopeless’, isn’t actually a living word – as in it is not something that can be practically physically lived as it is purely a placement holder for energy in the mind in and as the programming of escapism – and that a word that WOULD be practical as a living word is ASSERTIVENESS and DIRECTIVENESS, which in a way is hope made practical, as in not just waiting  for something better to ‘come along’ or pretending that there is something else or something better than what’s here, but actually CREATING something better through directing what is here and taking direct responsibility for what is here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed through living the word ‘hope’, to exist within escapism from reality as a desire to ‘get away’ from everything that is here and to have something that’s ‘better’ and look for something ‘better’ and to not in any way actually take reality  in my own hands and realize my responsibility

For what is here as reality and to direct reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the word hope within myself as the programming of escapism and to actually direct this word within myself and realize and see and understand that it is not who I really am as life in and as oneness and equality because it is simply not best for all as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word hope as a placement holder for a ‘feeling’ connected with a want to escape and a resistance to take responsibility for or accept reality as it is, to exist within and as me

So I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the words that I live within and as me as what I accept and allow within and as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that to exist in ‘hope’ is to say that ‘things are out of my hands’ and that ‘I cannot direct reality’, that all I can do is just sit and wait and ‘want’ for things to be different – and so exist in a polarity within myself of hope vs hopeless, both of which are based within a belief that I am powerless in relation to reality --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that in fact I am not powerless, and that I just need to accept reality as it is and look at what I can do to direct reality towards the best outcome for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the belief that ‘things are out of my hands’ and that ‘I cannot direct reality’ and that ‘I am powerless in relation to reality’ and so the belief that I thus cant do anything but just wait for things to change and get better on their own – and exist in a polarity of hope for the best and fear for the worst as hope and hopelessness

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that literally EVERYTHING is in my hands and that I have to make the most of the power and ability that I do have in this world and reality to create a world that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to HOPE for a better world and to HOPE that things will change, while I hold back and exist in a point of ‘waiting’, not really pushing myself or being assertive or directive as I believe that it’s not all in my hands --- instead of doing everything that I can to MAKE SURE that I am creating a world that is best for all, that I am creating a better world and realizing and understanding that it IS all up to me and in my hands to create what I see is best

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to be ASSERTIVE, in terms of SEEING what is best and what it is that I want, and then actually doing everything in my power to make it happen – rather than waiting in HOPE that it will or might one day happen as I believe myself to be ‘powerless’ to do or create anything

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to live ASSERTIVENESS in terms of SEEING what it is that I want to create and then just DOING it, just making it happen – not listening or giving in to reasons or excuses for why I cannot or why it’s impossible or whatever, but just making it happen one way or the other

When and as I see myself existing in and as the word ‘hope’ as a point of waiting and wishing and wanting for reality to change and become better, while actually existing within and as a belief that I am powerless or don’t know what to do or cant do anything, then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that I have come to accept and allow myself to live the word ‘hope’ in and as the mind because I’ve never taken responsibility for the words that I am living

I see and realize and understand that hope is the programming of escapism as a resistance to accept reality as it is and take responsibility for it and stand one and equal with it and wishing and wanting things to change and be different

I see and realize and understand that within the word ‘hope’ I basically accept the belief that I am ‘powerless’ to do anything in this world and reality as I exist within a point of just wanting things to change but not actually doing something about it because at the same time I am rejecting the reality that is here by not accepting it and not standing one and equal with it and not wanting to take responsibility for it

 i see and realize and understand that hope is not actually a living word as it only exists in and as energy in the mind in separation of life as the physical

I commit myself to live assertiveness instead of hope, in terms of simply seeing what is best and CREATING it and DOING what it takes to create it, taking reality in my hands and realizing that it IS in my hands and so creating what it is that i see is best