Putting my foot down

This is a continuation of my previous post "When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing".


I am currently in the process of learning to 'put my foot down', after I realized that it's something I sort of never learned to do. My parents never really 'put their foot down'. Or at least, I always found ways to be able to lift that foot lol. There was always ways to 'manipulate' and 'get around' the foot. A lot of 'insecurities' and 'doubts', which they weren't even aware of, that I could exploit and take advantage of to still get my way. And so I more learned that I can ALWAYS 'get away with' doing what I want, as long as I know how to manipulate.

And I've found that even in my process, in relation to myself, I have that attitude. Of manipulating myself to still get away with self-interest and abuse, and exploit whatever insecurities and doubts I have to make me waver in my decision to not accept any abuse. To still 'get around' the foot that I'm trying to put down. Of giving myself the run-around and messing with my 'authority' in the same way that I messed with my parents' authority - just because I could.

Because yes, there was a weakness, and it needs to be exploited lol. Because yes, my parents should have been more steadfast, assertive and certain of themselves. Cause you can't expect your child to 'respect your authority' when you yourself don't entirely. Just like me, I need to be more steadfast, assertive and certain when making decisions and 'putting my foot down', not giving myself any leeway to abuse or manipulate. Standing ABSOLUTE. When I say 'no more abuse', then I mean 'no more abuse' with my whole being. 'No if, and or buts about it.'

Learning to say 'NO' essentially. Because, somebody has to. Cause I suppose it must be a generational thing, to have that 'weakness'. The 'weak constitution' which I also realized and referred to in my previous blog post, "When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing". It's basically 'pity'. Which is a disempowering form of 'empathy' in a way lol.

Pity is a result of a sense of victimization within self, when you've been 'wronged' in some way and you're still stuck in blame. And you go 'oh poor me and what's been done to me'. And you believe that you are a 'victim', entirely disempowered by your own reactions to 'what happened to you'. And that sense of disempowerment/victimization/blame does run in my 'generational lineage'. So that was a 'weakness' I could exploit in my parents.

I knew that their pity would make them question their own decisions. It would make them think, 'oh, maybe I'm being too harsh' or 'maybe I'm being inconsiderate', 'maybe I'm being a bad person'. So if I acted REALLY hurt and victimized, and got them to pity me, I could manipulate their decisions. But within that process I then obviously also learned to operate according to the same programming - of accepting an 'inner weakness' as the experience of disempowerment. Something that actually started out as just a way for me to manipulate my environment so I'd get what I wanted.

But really what all this comes down to, is just this point of 'I don't want to do this'. I don't 'feel like'/I don't 'want to' do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing. So I pretend like it's 'too hard' and it's 'too difficult' and 'oh poor me, crumbling under all this pressure, and the overwhelmingness!' While, there's really nothing wrong with my 'ability' to do it, I simply just 'don't want to' and I'm trying to worm my way out from under it.

So from that perspective, putting my foot down means to stop buying into my own bullshit lol. Stop buying into this whole 'I'm so weak. I'm so disempowered'-act. Cause really, so far I haven't really found anything that I'm genuinely not able to handle. And most of my 'I can't handle this' has been a consequence of my DELIBERATE over-pressuring myself just to generate and create a mental/emotional state of disempowerment, for the sheer purpose of manipulation.

And I now need to do what my parents essentially should have done, which is to tell myself to 'get over it' basically lol. 'Just do it' and stop whining, stop deliberately victimizing yourself, stop blaming, anytime I see myself finding excuses/reasons/justifications to not follow through on and undermine my decisions. Simple.



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The road of the least resistance

This is a continuation of my previous blog post "It's All Already Here"


My relationship or rather reaction with the mind has always been conflictual. In that, I always REACT when anything comes up in terms of thoughts, emotions and feelings. And within that reaction I define myself within and as whatever it is that comes up, and also sort of make it worse.

So, I BATTLE the mind. And in a way I try to DOMINATE it. I try to suppress it and push it back/down. Because I believe that it is 'me'. And when, obviously with pretty much every thought and emotion/feeling that comes up, I see and realize that 'this is not my best potential', I go, "Noooooo!! This isn't the real me! This can't be the real me!!" And within that reaction of panic/fear, my reaction is to then fight back and try to suppress/dominate.

Rather than ACTUALLY realizing that 'this is not the real me'. Not within a reaction/judgment/fear. But a simple REALIZATION and UNDERSTANDING that, 'thoughts, emotions and feelings are not the real me'. And that, even though it seems 'intuitive' to resist, I actually must take the path of the least resistance. To allow these thoughts/emotions/feelings - whatever comes up - to move THROUGH me. Where I 'give way' to it. And I basically say "I'm not going to fight you". "No matter what you do, I will not resist you."

Maybe that is the living of forGIVEness. To have that 'give'. That bendability, flexibility, pliability. Of knowing that yes where I may bend and 'give way', I am never 'broken'. That I cannot 'break'. That no matter what happens, and no matter what I 'give way' to, no matter how 'overwhelming' and 'crushing' and 'threatening' it may appear, I will not actually disappear. That it may for a moment seem like I do when I don't put up that resistance and when I allow it to just sort of 'wash over me'. But I'll come out on the other side, with a greater connection to myself.

The way I have always lived is to actually take the road of the MOST resistance. To ALWAYS put up a fight. As a way of DEFENDING myself. Cause it's always felt like, if I don't, then that 'openness' and 'bendability'/flexibility/pliability will be 'dominated' and pushed down and suppressed. That there is ABUSE that will take place. And so that 'fighting' and 'resistance' has always felt like a very 'intuitive' response. A response of 'self-preservation'.

Because, there WAS abuse that took place. Yet, it was not understood as 'abuse' at the time. I did not 'stand' within me as a being, seeing and understanding and realizing what is going on in reality. Seeing and realizing how those beings in my life whom I trusted the most, were the most untrustworthy. Seeing and realizing how they existed within and as their mind, and seeing/realizing why they were who and how they were.

I rather 'trusted'. And then that trust was 'violated'. And then I felt 'violated'. Yet could never put my finger on why or how exactly I felt that way deep inside. Cause my 'self-preservation' response would not allow me to consider accessing that which had 'caused' me to become so 'violated' and that which would thus just make me go through the trauma all over again. I mean, how could I EVER, after what had happened to me, perceive who/how I was as flexible/pliable/bendable to be a 'good' thing?

Where rather, I should have realized that it wasn't that flexibility/pliability/bendability that was the problem. The problem was how it had been abused. It's the classic case of the trauma victim blaming themselves for what happened to them, while it's clear that obviously the abuse itself is the problem. BUT, a side that's also missed however, is how as a victim of trauma you are responsible. SO, how exactly are you as a trauma victim responsible for what happened to you??

What your reality was showing you, through the 'trauma', was things which you on a deep beingness level never wanted to take responsibility for. Things which you never wanted to realize or see or consider. Yet, things that do exist. You suffered at the hands of the things you were not willing to see, so that reality would show you how delusional you are.

Throughout my existence as a being, I tried to hold on to my 'innocence'. And would not consider 'abuse' to exist within me. Which, in a way, is 'cool'. But it also meant that I would not take responsibility for the abuse that DOES exist within reality. Thus, I would become a VICTIM of it, and so would in fact contribute to the cycle of abuse within existence. Because, even when abuse does not exist in and as you, you are still responsible for its existence. You're still responsible to DIRECT it. You can't just put blinders on and choose to just not see the things that happen to not exist in you. YOU have to still be a 'voice of change'. A voice of 'ENOUGH'.

Being a victim is NOT a solution, cause you're just allowing the abuse to still go on. You're just saying 'I'm not responsible'. But so what if you're 'not responsible'? How can you say that choosing to not see the things that are actually unacceptable isn't your part and responsibility in allowing those things to keep on existing? The abuse that happened to you, happened to you because you ALLOWED it to exist by saying 'I'm not responsible'. You never stood up as a being as a statement of 'THIS ENDS HERE'.

In a way you were the eternal 'child'. And never stepped into a point of 'maturity', where you are able to take responsibility for things that you aren't necessarily directly 'responsible for'. Where it doesn't even matter what is who's 'fault' per se, and who is doing what, because you stand as a point of 'responsibility' to direct it all. You are the 'parent' taking responsibility for reality. So no matter the abuse that exists, you consider yourself to be responsible to find effective ways to stop the abuse. You become the principle of what you will accept and allow within and as reality, and what is simply UNACCEPTABLE.

And if anything, it's those who most victimize themselves to the abuse, that need to stand up. Because it's us who are the ones that will not allow abuse to exist. We do not allow it to exist within and as ourselves, so why have we been accepting and allowing it within reality?? It's us who need to become the 'parent' and no longer just stand idly by, watching the abuse happen, believing that somehow we're doing 'enough' as long as we try to just hold on to our own innocence. Because if you do not stand up and say STOP, it will never stop. It will continue to be accepted and allowed, throughout cycles and cycles of it. Because you are not stepping in to say 'NO, THIS IS NOT OK' and you are not being the parent you are supposed to be. And not realizing that those who deliberately abuse, will not simply stop and change. They won't suddenly 'realize what they're doing' and realize they need to change. DIRECTION is needed within reality, and it's those who realize what is going on who need to find ways to stand as the DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE.




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The Internal War of Manipulation

This is a continuation of my previous post "I don't Understand it, therefore it isn't Real"


If I had a 'middle name', it would probably be something like 'inner turmoil' lol. Just feeling kind of 'trapped' and 'lost' in my own inner 'experiences'. And I always assumed it must be because maybe I just 'don't love myself' or maybe even 'hate myself', because lots of these inner experiences were quite emotionally charged. Lots of despair, sadness, depression, lostness, powerlessness, resistance and so on.

And as a result I just overall didn't seem like a very 'stable' kind of person. Being prone to making decisions I'd later regret or feel ashamed about, easily feeling 'overwhelmed' by 'how I FEEL' and going into high ups and downs of feelings and emotions. I suppose you could also call it 'not having a backbone', being 'spineless', 'not having character'. But what it is, is basically living according to feelings and emotions, rather than living based on principles and common sense.

And that's something that goes back all the way to childhood. How I was 'raised' and how I learned to 'be' by example of my parents. My parents were people who didn't actually communicate much. Not with words anyways lol. They 'communicated' through emotions and feelings. And that's something that went back all the way to their childhood as well. Where, they never learned how to EXPRESS themselves. How to communicate who they are and what they want, through WORDS. Because their parents also didn't provide the space for it. It was more a type of 'be quiet and just do what you're told' kind of upbringing. So when you cannot express yourself in WORDS, you tend to find different ways of expressing yourself - of 'communicating' with your environment in a way that may more or less get you the things you want.

You learn to get what you want without being direct and straightforward about it. It's called 'manipulation' lol. And that's where your emotions and feelings come in. They come in when you realize as a child that the main motivating factor behind your parents' decisions, is their feelings and emotions. Where they place a lot of trust in how they FEEL. They don't necessarily care about 'what's best' and they don't necessarily 'feel like' investigating or asking themselves what would be the best thing to do for the child. Doesn't mean they're 'bad' either! It just means that when it comes to making decisions, there isn't much 'self-questioning' involved. More an acceptance that, 'if it feels right, it must be right'.

So you realize that your parents don't actually listen to the words that you speak. They only 'listen' to your emotions and feelings. It seems to be the only thing they really respond to. So, if you want to get anything from them, it means you need to know how to 'push the right buttons'. You need to become proficient in the art of manipulating through emotions and feelings. Emotions and feelings needs to become your 'primary language'. Becoming 'sensitive' to how people respond within their mind to whatever emotion or feeling you are displaying. And as a child, you are very good at it. It almost literally feels like you are 'pushing buttons'. Because, well, that's what you're doing and that's WHY you're doing it. Why you're using emotions and feelings.

The 'problem' comes in when you yourself grow up into 'adulthood'. Because the mind does a fascinating thing where it creates these 'layers'. That's why when you think back on your childhood, you see the memories more like you're watching a movie. There's a separation there. Why the 'adult you' feels so different and disconnected from the 'child you'. And why, if you were to look at these different 'stages' or 'phases' of your life, it's almost as though they exist in total isolation from each other. As though your 'growing up' almost happened at the flick of a switch. Like, *flicks switch*, 'oh you're in puberty now', *flicks switch*, 'oh now you're an adult'. And your memories of 'back when you were a teenager' almost feel like you're talking about a person that isn't 'you'. Let alone when you think back on 'when you were a child'.

So you tend to 'forget' that way back when you were a child, 'emotions' and 'feelings' wasn't something that 'just came naturally'. That you haven't always been this way. That these emotions and feelings inside you are more a consequence of poor 'child-rearing' that goes back generations. Where, somewhere along the line, maybe people went through something really traumatic, like war for example, which creates a real PHYSICAL instability, lostness and chaos. And something like that can have a great impact on the internal experience of a person. Of just people becoming more intensely afraid, emotional and reactive. I mean, war changes people. It causes people to become more isolated within themselves, more 'withdrawn'. They just don't feel 'safe' anymore to live and relax and express.

I mean, I can see how that can lead to a diminishment in actual verbal communication, and would cultivate a more emotionally reactive human. If I'd have to try and 'trace back' where this misalignment in raising children more based on feelings and emotions rather than principles and common sense may have occurred. And why it is perhaps that my parents, and their parents before them, are not used to communicating much and are rather more withdrawn, shy and reserved.

In a sense I guess you could even say that 'emotional manipulation' is a consequence and result of 'war', just like how FBI/CIA type operations are also a result of war. Where things become more 'covert', more 'hidden'. Within 'Central Intelligence Agencies', that are designed to essentially 'manipulate'. Because people are so traumatized by war that they become 'introverted' or 'inverted'. They hide things, cause they don't feel 'safe' anymore. There's no more openness, no more freedom and no more trust. And so we all end up manipulating each other. We all learn to hide and not trust each other. Because there's no 'open communication'.

So I mean, we were fucked from the start. We never stood a chance. Maybe at some point in this world, human beings raised their children based on principles and common sense. But war and trauma over time have eroded that. Where now, all you are born into is manipulation as emotions and feelings. And maybe there are still beings in this world who do raise their children through open communication, common sense and principles. But I'd say that war has influenced my generational lineage and has in a way 'broken' us as humans. And so I grew up knowing ONLY manipulation as emotions and feelings. And never even considered that there could be another way.

I was STILL, in my life, living out the war that my ancestors went through, as experiences of instability, lostness and chaos. Living out an 'internal war' of feeling destabilized and lost within emotions and feelings. Never realizing or seeing or understanding that this whole 'I don't accept myself' or 'I don't love myself' is more just a problem of defining myself according to emotions and feelings, than having to do with actual self-acceptance or self-love. And more importantly, it's a consequence of having FORGOTTEN that all these emotions and feelings inside of me are things I just cultivated when I was little to try and speak my parents' language so that I could get what I wanted from them. I just went into 'forgetfulness' and at some point started believing that it is 'me'. Just like my parents did I guess.