Safe Haven: A Self-Creation

This is a continuation of my previous post "To Be Self-Conscious"

Ok so we’re looking at this again lol. There’s so much ‘resistance’ around keeping the focus on this word I’ve found. But, not even the ‘obvious’ resistance. You know where you get all lethargic or when you just know that you’re busy distracting yourself and you just DON’T WANT TO do the thing you’ve set about doing.

This resistance is more ‘insidious’ I suppose. It’s like a gradual waning of the interest in working with it, and then before I know it, my interests are elsewhere and the word has been forgotten. And so have the realizations and understandings of its importance and the importance and relevance of working with it.

And the reasons for that are a couple different ones. There’s just the belief that ‘there are more important things to focus on’. And yes fair enough, I mean when you’re walking your process, there’s always going to be points that come up to look into. Points that grab your attention for a moment and seem quite ‘relevant’ and ‘important’ when and as they come up, because it’s just what’s ‘here’. And so you work with what is ‘here’.

But I guess mostly the ‘resistance’ stems from the fact that me CHOOSING and DECIDING to take on this word and explore and figure out for myself what it means to live and be and become this word, is truly a point of SELF-creation and SELF-direction. It is something I stand alone in. Something I can’t follow others in or trust others in. Like, this is purely me deciding to do this. And so there are a lot of doubts and insecurities that sort of activate in the mind because of that, which is what makes me eventually ‘lose interest’ in pursuing this. And why one moment I will realize and understand the absolute importance that I keep my focus on creating and living this word, and why the next I’ll have ‘forgotten’ all about it.

Because there’s lots and lots of fears in the mind with regards to ‘self-creation’. Or rather with regards to doing or deciding anything for myself. Being self-directive. The mind is more geared towards just being a ‘follower’, a slave, someone who doesn’t decide things for themselves but who follows and takes instructions and just ‘does what everybody else is doing’.

And specifically walking it consistently would be an act of self-creation. Actually keeping the focus on it, and saying YES this is what I am creating! Cause deep down there is quite a bit of self-doubt actually. Where, even though yes I do sort of see how and why It would be supportive for me to live this word, when it comes to ACTUALLY ‘creating’ through being consistent, there’s a doubt that comes up that maybe I can’t really trust myself. Maybe I can’t really entirely trust my own assessment of what’s ‘best’ and of what to create. So yeah, maybe I should just let it go a bit and focus on other things.

Sort of a point of thinking ‘who am I to create anything?’ ‘Who am I to decide anything?’ ‘I don’t know anything and I have never known anything so who the hell am I to think that I know what is best?’ Even though lol, obviously a ‘safe haven’ is best. I mean, why wouldn’t it be? Wouldn’t it be truly ‘best for all’ if earth, if existence, was a ‘safe haven’? Yet somehow this ‘doubt’ point is making me give up on something that I can clearly see for myself is BEST. Something I do see is worth creating. Yet so much in me is still sort of giving the ‘benefit of the doubt’ to the mind. The mind saying ‘oh no all this other stuff is more important’. And sure, yes it’s also important to work with the day-to-day kind of points that come up, of course. BUT equally if not much more important to keep the eye on self-creation. Cause I mean I can ‘work with’ or ‘work through’ points till kingdom come, but at the end of the day I’m the one who needs to actually create that kingdom lol. So I do need to live that DECISION of ‘THIS is what I am CREATING!’ consistently, until I have created it.

The road of the least resistance

This is a continuation of my previous blog post "It's All Already Here"


My relationship or rather reaction with the mind has always been conflictual. In that, I always REACT when anything comes up in terms of thoughts, emotions and feelings. And within that reaction I define myself within and as whatever it is that comes up, and also sort of make it worse.

So, I BATTLE the mind. And in a way I try to DOMINATE it. I try to suppress it and push it back/down. Because I believe that it is 'me'. And when, obviously with pretty much every thought and emotion/feeling that comes up, I see and realize that 'this is not my best potential', I go, "Noooooo!! This isn't the real me! This can't be the real me!!" And within that reaction of panic/fear, my reaction is to then fight back and try to suppress/dominate.

Rather than ACTUALLY realizing that 'this is not the real me'. Not within a reaction/judgment/fear. But a simple REALIZATION and UNDERSTANDING that, 'thoughts, emotions and feelings are not the real me'. And that, even though it seems 'intuitive' to resist, I actually must take the path of the least resistance. To allow these thoughts/emotions/feelings - whatever comes up - to move THROUGH me. Where I 'give way' to it. And I basically say "I'm not going to fight you". "No matter what you do, I will not resist you."

Maybe that is the living of forGIVEness. To have that 'give'. That bendability, flexibility, pliability. Of knowing that yes where I may bend and 'give way', I am never 'broken'. That I cannot 'break'. That no matter what happens, and no matter what I 'give way' to, no matter how 'overwhelming' and 'crushing' and 'threatening' it may appear, I will not actually disappear. That it may for a moment seem like I do when I don't put up that resistance and when I allow it to just sort of 'wash over me'. But I'll come out on the other side, with a greater connection to myself.

The way I have always lived is to actually take the road of the MOST resistance. To ALWAYS put up a fight. As a way of DEFENDING myself. Cause it's always felt like, if I don't, then that 'openness' and 'bendability'/flexibility/pliability will be 'dominated' and pushed down and suppressed. That there is ABUSE that will take place. And so that 'fighting' and 'resistance' has always felt like a very 'intuitive' response. A response of 'self-preservation'.

Because, there WAS abuse that took place. Yet, it was not understood as 'abuse' at the time. I did not 'stand' within me as a being, seeing and understanding and realizing what is going on in reality. Seeing and realizing how those beings in my life whom I trusted the most, were the most untrustworthy. Seeing and realizing how they existed within and as their mind, and seeing/realizing why they were who and how they were.

I rather 'trusted'. And then that trust was 'violated'. And then I felt 'violated'. Yet could never put my finger on why or how exactly I felt that way deep inside. Cause my 'self-preservation' response would not allow me to consider accessing that which had 'caused' me to become so 'violated' and that which would thus just make me go through the trauma all over again. I mean, how could I EVER, after what had happened to me, perceive who/how I was as flexible/pliable/bendable to be a 'good' thing?

Where rather, I should have realized that it wasn't that flexibility/pliability/bendability that was the problem. The problem was how it had been abused. It's the classic case of the trauma victim blaming themselves for what happened to them, while it's clear that obviously the abuse itself is the problem. BUT, a side that's also missed however, is how as a victim of trauma you are responsible. SO, how exactly are you as a trauma victim responsible for what happened to you??

What your reality was showing you, through the 'trauma', was things which you on a deep beingness level never wanted to take responsibility for. Things which you never wanted to realize or see or consider. Yet, things that do exist. You suffered at the hands of the things you were not willing to see, so that reality would show you how delusional you are.

Throughout my existence as a being, I tried to hold on to my 'innocence'. And would not consider 'abuse' to exist within me. Which, in a way, is 'cool'. But it also meant that I would not take responsibility for the abuse that DOES exist within reality. Thus, I would become a VICTIM of it, and so would in fact contribute to the cycle of abuse within existence. Because, even when abuse does not exist in and as you, you are still responsible for its existence. You're still responsible to DIRECT it. You can't just put blinders on and choose to just not see the things that happen to not exist in you. YOU have to still be a 'voice of change'. A voice of 'ENOUGH'.

Being a victim is NOT a solution, cause you're just allowing the abuse to still go on. You're just saying 'I'm not responsible'. But so what if you're 'not responsible'? How can you say that choosing to not see the things that are actually unacceptable isn't your part and responsibility in allowing those things to keep on existing? The abuse that happened to you, happened to you because you ALLOWED it to exist by saying 'I'm not responsible'. You never stood up as a being as a statement of 'THIS ENDS HERE'.

In a way you were the eternal 'child'. And never stepped into a point of 'maturity', where you are able to take responsibility for things that you aren't necessarily directly 'responsible for'. Where it doesn't even matter what is who's 'fault' per se, and who is doing what, because you stand as a point of 'responsibility' to direct it all. You are the 'parent' taking responsibility for reality. So no matter the abuse that exists, you consider yourself to be responsible to find effective ways to stop the abuse. You become the principle of what you will accept and allow within and as reality, and what is simply UNACCEPTABLE.

And if anything, it's those who most victimize themselves to the abuse, that need to stand up. Because it's us who are the ones that will not allow abuse to exist. We do not allow it to exist within and as ourselves, so why have we been accepting and allowing it within reality?? It's us who need to become the 'parent' and no longer just stand idly by, watching the abuse happen, believing that somehow we're doing 'enough' as long as we try to just hold on to our own innocence. Because if you do not stand up and say STOP, it will never stop. It will continue to be accepted and allowed, throughout cycles and cycles of it. Because you are not stepping in to say 'NO, THIS IS NOT OK' and you are not being the parent you are supposed to be. And not realizing that those who deliberately abuse, will not simply stop and change. They won't suddenly 'realize what they're doing' and realize they need to change. DIRECTION is needed within reality, and it's those who realize what is going on who need to find ways to stand as the DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE.




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The WARRIOR Programming

This is a continuation of my previous post "Becoming aware of my ANGER"


I mean I always believed that this point of resistance when I look within myself is who I really am. This huge resistance in relation to myself. Because it has the 'Kim' signature. And a Kim is a Chinese warrior, at least that's what I read in a dictionary at some point. And because it had the 'Kim' signature on it I thought 'oh it must be me, cause I'm Kim'. And so accepted the programming as 'who I really am. And never considered that even my name is a programming and that thus anything with my name's signature on it is thus also a programming.

It's actually a sort of resistance to 'desires' or even pleasure and enjoyment. That's why I resist sex and masturbation. I am very good at denying myself things. But I am not good at giving myself things. Because anytime I try to 'open up' and access a point of pleasure or enjoyment or even desire, during sex for instance, there's just this 'programming' inside of me that keeps saying "No! This is not for me!" The programming of the warrior, who believes that their purpose is to fight so that other people may experience pleasure and enjoyment and desires. Where I feel as though I am abandoning my purpose if I were to allow myself to 'indulge' in desires/pleasure/enjoyment. Like I'm 'abandoning my post'. Cause I'm supposed to be the one who stands guard. I'm supposed to be the one who lays down their own life for the sake of others. So therefore, indulging in pleasure/enjoyment/desire would be dishonorable. As in me dishonoring my 'purpose' and that which gives my life and existence 'meaning'.

And for a warrior, 'honor' is a big thing. They live by it. If it wasn't for this 'honor' point, they wouldn't be warriors. They wouldn't have accepted the role of 'warrior'. And I mean sure, honor is pretty cool. It's basically the principle of 'doing what's necessary to be done'. But I mean... There's nothing truly 'honorable' about why and how this 'honor' has been used. In terms of why it is that warriors throughout history laid down their lives. It was all for meaningless wars and conflicts and just humans fighting over self-interest and ego. There was never anything honorable about that because it never honored life. And now here we are. With all those warriors throughout history waging all those wars in the name of 'honor' - and yet we find ourselves in the most dishonorable existence imaginable.

All because one key element was missing within 'honor': self-responsibility. Honor without asking questions about what you are doing and why is useless. If honor means to kill and murder and destroy and fight others, and die in the process, then what are you really doing? Then what kind of world and reality are you even really fighting and dying for and what does it all really mean? You don't honor life through killing and destroying and fighting. You honor life by living it. By celebrating and enjoying it, and making sure that you are living in such a way which ensures that all life-forms are able to celebrate and enjoy life. It's pretty much the principle of 'make love, not war'. Those damn hippies were on to something.





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I'm the Best Slave

This is a continuation of my previous post "Things are Not Alright"

COMPARISON is like saying "oh I'm just a slave. And I'm just trying to be the best slave I can be, so therefore I compare myself to all the other slaves to try and figure out how to be a good slave". I mean, cause to be a 'creator' obviously there'd be no comparison. Cause you would stand alone. You would be 'unique'. Only a 'slave', something that doesn't 'exist' in and of itself and something that isn't the 'master' of it's own existence, would thus 'compare itself'.

And I've been coming to grips with the extent to which I have indeed accepted and allowed myself as a 'slave'. Truly doing nothing but compare myself with 'other people' from that starting point of 'I just want to know how to be and what to do so I can be good'. So I can 'fit in', and basically 'do my job' as a 'good slave'. And just how little I've ever really done anything that was 'self-directed', if anything at all.

Cause, when it comes to thoughts and feelings and emotions, I've never been like, "wait a minute... this isn't me!" I just accepted that, just because they're in a way 'already here', they must be me. They must be 'reality'. Accepting myself as 'the created', or 'the creation'. And, not even as 'creation' actually, because then at least I would realize the oneness and equality of everything in and as me. No, I am only 'the created'. A thing that has no self-power, no self-will or self-direction. A 'victim' of who- or whatever it is that might have 'created me', AND of that which I'm supposed to be as 'the created'.

So how does that 'slave', the 'created', something that doesn't in fact 'exist', become 'the creator' - become self-willed, self-aware and 'real'? That's where DIP comes in. I mean it literally walks you through that process of what it means to be truly 'self-aware'. Through a process of 'specificity'. And, there's really no other way. You have to get SPECIFIC with exactly HOW you are 'not real', and with what it means to be 'real'. Taking ownership of every little aspect of yourself.

And the 'mind of the slave' is like 'allergic' to specificity lol. And so will RESIST that process immensely. But, if you want to be 'real', it's just something you need to 'get over' and 'get used to' basically. Cause it's going to be there every step of the way. So, resistance is like your 'marker' in your process of becoming real.

Why Don't you Just Change?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Where to Start with Practical Change?"

 There's a tendency to want to keep writing about 'why' things are the way they are. 'Why' am I still in a point? 'Why' am I not yet changed?

But there's an interesting thing about this 'why' point. It messes with your self-direction. Instead of moving in a straight line from point A to point B, asking "Why am I still in point A?" and "Why am I not yet at point B?", just 'scrambles' your ability to simply put one foot in front of the other towards point B.

And in fact, it's a deliberate self-sabotage programming. Asking, "Why?" It actually comes from a resistance to just go to point B full steam ahead. Because, you can actually see that it would be easy. That it's really just a matter of 'doing' what needs to be done. And that if you just made the decision, you'd already be at point B.

But there's a part of you that doesn't want to go there. A part of you that wants to hold on to the 'old' and that's not ready to change. That part of you will do whatever it needs to keep you in your 'comfort zone'. And it knows just how to do that.

One major way it does that is by taking your focus away from where you want to go as point B, by creating a whole lot of 'internal objections'. There's suddenly all these 'internal movements' that start taking place. And you feel like you need to direct all of it, and it's taking up a lot of your focus. Before you know it, you're more caught up into the apparent 'why' things are or aren't happening, than actually making it happen.

Because the truth is, that you simply don't want to 'make it happen'. You're just looking for excuses to hold yourself back and not make the simple decision to change.