You're a Fucking Bitch

This is a continuation of my previous post "LIFE in the DARKNESS"

I’ve always had this big fear of people thinking I’m a ‘bitch’. You know, someone who is snappy and reactive and takes their anger and frustrations and reactions out on those around her. So I’ve always done my darnest to be suuuuuuuper nice. Nice and friendly and cheerful and pleasant and enjoyable and whatever you want, as long as you don’t ever think that I am a ‘bitch’. I mean I’m talking about an actual phobia here. Like I am TERRIFIED of being judged as a ‘bitch’.

But the thing is, that I have also noticed a pattern of there being reactions of anger that in moments want to come up in relation to the people in my reality. Moments of wanting to voice an ‘opinion’ on something, which on the surface seems ‘innocent’ enough but when I have a closer look is actually coming from suppressed anger and frustration. And so if I’d actually allow myself to speak that ‘opinion’ in that moment, yes it would come across as ‘bitchy’. Because even though I may not be aware of my hidden, suppressed anger hiding behind the comment, other people would surely pick up on it.

So why are these moments of hidden/suppressed anger as snide/bitchy comments wanting to come up? Because I’m trying to be so nice all the time lol. Cause for most of the time I am not actually being myself. I’m not allowing myself to relax and be myself, as I’m trying to always ‘hold it all together’ within ‘just trying to be a nice person’. It’s like all that ‘niceness’ and all the worrying about what people think of me creates this ‘pressure’ inside myself that comes out as ANGER.

And it’s funny actually because even though I’ve always been such a ‘nice’ person, someone who never gets angry at anyone, I’ve always had ‘resting bitch-face’ lol. In a way my face always showed the anger that I was busy suppressing. Or rather the anger inside myself that was the result of me suppressing my expression and not allowing myself to be myself. An anger which I then also did not express obviously.

My physical body was essentially showing that even though I try so hard to be such a ‘nice person’, I am actually not happy about it lol. And so I’ve created this ‘polarity’ within and as myself of on the one hand being ‘super nice’ and on the other hand being actually very grumpy and so ‘bitchy’ I guess. And both going hand in hand, since I’m really only grumpy and bitchy BECAUSE I think I need to be ‘nice’ and can’t just be ‘me’.

So in a way, as I am smiling at people within the ‘nice person’ character, I am actually at the same time angry at them because I feel like I HAVE TO be ‘nice’ to them or they’ll judge me for being a ‘bitch’. What a mind-fuck. So yes all those times when people asked me what I’m angry about because of my ‘resting bitch-face’ and I didn’t see what I might have been angry about at all and so believed people were just judging my appearance, they actually weren’t far off. They were just seeing an anger that was physically manifested as it was so suppressed and so unconscious within me. I was in no way even aware of it myself.

So obviously the real problem here is the ‘nice person character’, or rather ‘personality design’. This whole, ‘oh everybody needs to like me’, and ‘it’s important I get along with everybody’ and ‘everyone needs to be my friend’ bullshit. Cause it just feels so disingenuous to be at once so ‘friendly’ and so resentful in relation to people. That behind ‘please be my friend’, there exists an ‘I fear/hate you and don’t actually want to have anything to do with you’.

No wonder that I have the hardest time actually making REAL friends. Like, actually connecting and relating with people on a real and genuine level. It’s always with a ‘fake smile’ that I interact with people. A forced smile, motivated by fear.

So I need to basically find a way to sort of be Ok with myself. Not looking for any ‘friendship’ from the people around me. So I can be ‘genuine’. And it’s funny that I always wanted to be genuine, so that people would like me better. While being genuine is more about just liking yourself and being your own friend, not really being bothered with ‘other people’.






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LIFE in the DARKNESS

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Pain of Living"

So these two moles on my arm that I am having checked out. When I look into it for myself in terms of what is there, I can see that there is a 'system' there. A 'deep' system, of lots of anger and disempowerment. Anger at feeling disempowered. And it's become this 'personality design' within and as me. Something that exists on that 'deeper level' that's always sort of there but that I haven't been able to quite pinpoint, because it's always been so much just 'me'.

And I mean with seeing the extent of this system, it wouldn't surprise me that it turns out to be cancer lol. I mean there is just a LOT of anger there. A lot of suppressed anger, and even almost this point of having decided that I am going to die, in a way. Like just because I am so angry, there is a decision there that I'm just going to die or something. Die out of spite, basically. Not that I've ever been 'suicidal' in that sense, or have had thoughts of wanting to die in any way. The anger is more like I feel so angry, so seething and furiated, because of feeling SO disempowered, that it feels as though my only point of 'power' has been that one 'decision' of 'ok then I will just die'. To take the anger out on myself within the decision that I'm going to die.  That I will hold myself in the point of anger as though I am actually already dead. Already not really living. Already living the point of 'death'.

Enveloped by darkness, standing in a point of 'nothingness' and 'emptiness'. Because everything else about this world and reality scares me and makes me feel disempowered. And I don't really know how to live and exist in this world without feeling that way. And it angers me. Quite a lot, evidently. I just haven't been very aware of the anger there. I've been aware of the fear, yes. Of all the insecurity and the feeling disempowered. That, I am always aware of. But then anger I am only now becoming aware of. So maybe from that perspective it is specific that I am now having these moles checked out, for me to start really becoming aware of the programming and systems connected with them. Being just lots of FEAR and ANGER.

For me to start assisting and supporting myself to change this personality design, because clearly it is not best for me. It's always made me feel as though I am not really 'here' in this world. Always in some form of inner conflict. Like, I can see this world with my eyes, but on the inside I cannot relate and cannot connect and feel as though in a sense I am already dead. Like here's no real life in me to connect with the 'life' that I am seeing in and as this world.  I have been existing in this world, but have never actually lived. I have existed in and as death. And within that essentially living the decision that I'm probably going to have an early death.

Because to tell the truth, death has felt like a sort of 'comfort' to me lol. At least I am realizing now. As in the point of 'death', of emptiness, darkness and nothingness has been the only thing that has in any way felt 'stable' to me. Something that I can 'control'. Something that doesn't scare me necessarily, that doesn't trigger fear and disempowerment within me. Like, yes it may be darkness and emptiness and nothingness, but at least it doesn't make me feel all unstable, scared and disempowered like just about everything in this world does. And it's the point of anger, of 'standing still' in and as 'death' within myself, that's the ONE singular point wherein I feel like I actually exist, as weird and contradicting as that may sound. The anger/darkness is a form of 'stability'. A point of 'here-ness'. Like a 'table' that I can come back to. Like 'oh yes I am here. This is where I exist'.

And in a way it is a sort of realizing that 'death' is 'life'. That they are one and the same thing. They're both just 'here'. There's death and life, and then there's the mind. So in a way death/life is LIFE as HERE and the mind is DEATH. Because it's the mind that makes me lose myself. It's the mind that creates illusions, which trigger emotions like fear, which makes me lose myself, and lose my 'here-ness' and my stability - and makes me feel, and be, effectively 'dead', as in unable to connect or relate to what is HERE as reality. Unable to see myself in what is HERE.

So maybe it's not such a bad thing to want to be 'dead'. The anger, yes, that's a problem, and is a consequence of having so much FEAR. And is showing me I need to start really taking responsibility for all my fears. Can't just be allowing myself to 'lose myself', but I must rather realize that there is a 'table' that's here for me to always come back to. There is an actual stability, a 'here-ness' within and as me. That darkness, that 'nothingness'/'emptiness', that's real. That's the real me. I am not ACTUALLY 'lost'. The lostness is an illusion fabricated by the mind through its many creative and ingenious ways to trigger FEAR. Through THINKING, which I do a lot of lol.

I've always been a 'thinker'. So yes, quite problematic lol. And it's always been so casually pointed out to me, that 'oh I'm a thinker'. Like it's something that's Ok. Like it's not hugely problematic in terms of how much power I give away to the mind through the act of thinking, to the point where I would eventually believe myself to be truly 'lost' within and through FEAR. Like, no, it's not Ok to be a 'thinker'. You should really STOP thinking. Stop giving all that power away to the mind. You just make yourself feel disempowered and angry and feel lost within it all. Better to just be HERE. In the darkness. In breath. There where I can be certain that I exist. Where I sit at the table of existence, in and as life, and in and as death. Where there is no fear and no anger, and no thoughts. Where there is no MIND.

Becoming aware of my ANGER

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living Balance"

Did I say anger? I meant HATE. Growing older, into more of an ‘aDULLt’, I’m not so much aware of it now actually – how I used to in fact HATE everything and everyone. I couldn’t STAND when people expressed themselves. I couldn’t STAND myself when I expressed myself. So I never expressed myself. And still don’t. But have long forgotten that I don’t express myself because of all this HATE within me.

The hate came out particularly nasty when I became a teenager. I became a little hateful, judgmental demon. And in my early adolescence it just became more and more compounded within me. The absolute HATE of EVERYONE. Just a ball of hate I was. An interesting thing then happened into early adulthood, in that I became more POSITIVE. And suppressed all the hate that was really there and had been there since almost the beginning. Suddenly I ‘care’ about people and about relationships and suddenly things are ‘positive’. Which has been the greatest deception ever because lo and behold, the HATE is still actually all there – just on dimensions and levels within myself that are hidden from my immediate awareness.

But that hate, actually originated within FEAR. From the fact that I was dealing with massive, intense and incredible amounts of fear within myself, which I didn’t know what to do with. Fear and disempowerment, a lot of it, on such deep levels. Hate was just a particular energy that seemed to allow me to take ALL that fear and disempowerment inside myself and sort of channel or compensate or transform it into something that I could ‘control’, in a way. Something I could direct like arrows and bullets, towards other people, and to myself. It made me feel like I had a sense of ‘power’, rather than just feeling disempowered and afraid all the time.

I mean obviously this is what then caused a great problem. This ‘illusion of power’.  This REACTING to fear with HATE, rather than RESPONDING to it with self-honesty. Since, HATE is now the manifested problem in this physical world and reality. HATE is the human condition. This desire to destroy and attack and abuse and diminish through real-hate-I-on-ships. This taking out our ‘frustrations’ onto one another. Because deep down we actually feel extremely fearful and diminished and disempowered and small but don’t know how to deal with our fears effectively so we take the ‘easy route’ into REACTIONS, like anger and hate.

While, what we should be doing is turning inward and just being real and honest with ourselves about what we’re ACTUALLY going through, no matter how overwhelming or lost or confused we may be feeling. Showing ourselves some LOVE lol. As in some attention and support and care, urging ourselves to open up about what’s going on inside instead of suppressing it all just cause we think it’s too much. Allowing ourselves to stand in and as the fear and the confusion and overwhelmedness. And saying to ourselves “it’s OK. I’m here. It’s alright that you’re going through this. We’ll find a way through.”

And to at least, when we do go into reactions of anger or hate, see them as flag points to urge ourselves to, instead of lashing out, look inward to the point of fear and disempowerment it’s originating from, to work on releasing the source of the problem and so actually live a solution, rather than living in suppression and making everything worse. Cause at the end of the day, even though it may seem like a ‘quick fix’ or a ‘quick route’ to ‘power’, and a way to ‘deal with’ fear and disempowerment, anger and hate is NOT a solution. We need to start taking the difficult route of self-honesty and self-responsibility. Cause we will literally self-destruct if we don’t.