but what will happen to me?!

 This is a continuation of my previous post "I am NOT Responsible"

this is a programming of basically intense fear.  Intense fear which sort of compacts and compresses me inside until I feel really really small. And I am just this tiny point of fear inside myself that is existent in the point of 'but, but what about me?? What will happen to me??' As a point of just being very fearful of what might happen to me. Very fearful of my own 'fate'.

And it's so all-consuming that within this fear, i separate myself from basically all of existence, all of life and become just so super 'small' and 'tiny' inside myself. Just smaller and smaller within this one point of fear of 'but, but,...', 'what about me??'

It is like the epitome of separation and consciousness.  The epitome of self-interestedness because I am literally only concerned and worried about ME. MY fate, MY future, MY experiences. What will happen to ME. And it's interesting because by going into this fear, I only separate myself even more and more from my environment - and within that separation end up creating just more and more fear as well as I start to feel more and more isolated and alone and abandoned. Completely ALONE within myself, trapped within fear for myself.

I mean at the end of the day all that it is, is just self-interest. Yet I have always defined myself according to this experience of intense FEAR. Believing that point of absolute self-interest as separation to be 'me'. BELIEVING myself to BE separated and isolated and alone. Not realizing or recognizing that I am actually not alone at all. That other beings are here with me. But I've just separated myself in an alternate dimension in my mind composed of nothing but FEAR, that I don't even see REALITY - but only see what the fear makes me FEEL.

But I mean I CHOSE to separate myself from life, from reality, by participating in and defining myself in and as this point of fear in the mind. By even creating some sort of personality design out of it, believing the experience and the thoughts to be who I truly am. I chose to not stand here, in equality and togetherness with life as the beings around me, but to rather make everything about ME in the mind. Only MY existence. Saying basically that 'I don't care about anything or anyone other than ME'. As long as I am alright and as long as nothing bad happens to ME. A complete obsession with ME ME ME, and fuck everybody else.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as this mind programming of ultimate self-interest as this intense experience of fear connected with these panicky thoughts of 'but what about me?' and 'what will happen to ME!' -- wherein, at the end of the day, I will always only worry or care about myself in and as the I of consciousness, in separation of all of existence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that this experience of intense fear and panic, connected with thoughts of 'whats going to happen to me?!' is who I really am -- that this is my actual voice inside myself  -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it is just a mind programming of and as separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose to separate myself from all of existence as me by choosing to go into and participate in and define myself in and as this programming of panic and fear and worry about myself --- instead of seeing and realizing what I am doing as extreme self-interest, and rather worrying about all of existence as me and so standing and realizing myself in and as equality and togetherness

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to worry about and concern myself with the fate of all of existence in oneness and equality and realize that what happens to others happens to me as existence -- and so to not accept this experience of fear and panic wherein i separate myself from all of existence and seclude and isolate myself into this little tiny bubble of 'self-awareness' in and as the mind, feeling all alone in and as fear

I forgive myself that i have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I am not actually alone or isolated or separated but that I just never cared enough about other beings in oneness and equality with myself to see and realize it -- as I've always only really cared and worried about ME, as in MY survival and comfort and experiences and fate and safety

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that real safety and comfort and security only exists if it's for ALL in oneness and equality -- and that as long as I am only worried and concerned about ME in and as the I of consciousness, as MY 'survival', I'll always actually end up feeling fearful as in unsafe and uncomfortable and alone and isolated and abandoned

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself in and as this point of absolute self-interest and to believe that this is who I really am because it's what exists inside and as me -- and because it's what I accepted and allowed to exist in and as me

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that if anything it's just based on misguidedness and illusions - because if I realized how the mind really works and what real safety and security is, then I would not be participating in this programming, but I'd worry about all of existence and work on creating a world that is best for all in oneness and equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in any way even consider believing the illusions in and of this mind programming - that somehow I am just keeping myself safe and just looking out for me -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that if anything, I actually end up feeling even more unsafe, as in fearful and separated and isolated and alone -- and that to create real safety, is not through participating in FEAR, but through actually caring about and considering my environment, as all of existence as me, and so actually creating and establishing a 'safe' environment, that is best for everyone --- because at the end of the day, fear only creates fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a reality of FEAR by participating in FEAR in and as the belief that I am just trying to create 'safety' for myself -- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that it's actually all in reverse and that what I am busy creating is separation, isolation, abandonment, aloneness as that is what I am busy participating in

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to, rather than thinking and worrying about ME, to instead think and worry about EXISTENCE -- and so include 'all' in and as 'me' -- and so within and as that 'worry' I'm not just sort of losing myself in an experience of fear, but am rather practically looking at what needs to happen or what I need to do to support all of existence and create a world that is best for all as me

I forgive myself that I've never accepted and allowed myself to recognize 'all' in and as 'me' and so to worry about 'all' in and as 'me' -- actually considering all of existence when I consider 'myself', rather than existing in separation

When and as I see this mind programming come up in me, where I go into this intense point of fear and I feel like I am small and tiny inside myself just in this point of fear and panic of being so worried about and thinking about myself and my fate and survival and fearful that something might happen to me --- then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that even though it FEELS like this is the 'real me' because it is basically the epitome of consciousness, as this intensified and compressed energy of fear in the deepest part of me -- it's actually a mind consciousness system program that's the illusion of safety and security and comfort wherein i essentially believe that I am 'just looking out for myself' and 'just trying to keep myself safe'

where I see and realize and understand that real safety or security will not come about through participating in fear and that if anything, by participating in fear and panic, I'm actually creating the opposite of safety and security - as separation, isolation, abandonment and aloneness --- and that real safety and security is through considering and 'worrying' about all of existence, and placing all of existence first, making sure that I am actually physically creating a world that is best for all of existence, where safety and security are a real actual reality

I see and realize and understand that real safety and security comes about through standing as all of existence and considering all of existence as me, where there is no separation between 'me' and 'existence'

I see and realize and understand that this mind programming of intense fear and self-interest isn't really who I am but more just something I've been duped into -- wherein I am not being aware or am not considering or seeing what I am actually busy creating by participating in it - because I never understood the mind or who I really am as I never took responsibility for myself as existence --- and that if anything, I've just been a puppet in and of the mind, essentially powering the unified mind consciousness system, and have never existed as who I really am as existence itself in oneness and equality

I commit myself to worry and care about all of existence and to stand as all of existence as me and to live 'safety' and 'security' in terms of worrying about and concerning myself with what's actually practically needed to create a physical world that's best for all -- wherein safety and security are actually REAL for all of existence

I commit myself to, rather than making myself really tiny and small in and as this alternate dimension in the mind of fear and panic in and as the I of consciousness -- to rather make myself BIG and expand myself in terms of standing as all of existence and realizing all of existence as me, and taking responsibility for all of existence as me and for 'looking out for' and 'taking care of' all of existence as me

I commit myself to actively work on creating and developing real safety and security in and as this physical existence -- to live in such a way where I consider all of existence as me and am a living example of what life on earth should be and of who we really are as beings -- living in the name of all of existence in oneness and equality

I commit myself to live the words safety and security in a way that is real and practical and considers all of existence as me -- and in a way that will therefore expel fear




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I Am NOT Responsible

This is a continuation of my previous post "Unrealistic Expectations"

Lately I have been getting more ‘hands-on’ with a particular programming that’s always been there on like a very very ‘quantum mind’ kind of level. Quantum mind, meaning that it’s just so much ‘me’ – so much part of just my automated reactions and experiences of and within myself – that I don’t even SEE that this is me. Or may be somewhat aware of in general terms, but cannot seem to put my finger on exactly when or how I am participating in it, which makes it very difficult to actually CHANGE it.

But then, these quantum mind programmings just take their time to sort of ‘unravel’ themselves, enough for me to finally be able to get more down-and-practical with them. Where I’m like ‘hah, I see you now! Time to start directing this mofo!’ So this particular mofo is this interesting sort of personality design that I have copied from my mother’s side (which is also something I’m only now more clearly SEEING – in terms of it quite literally just being  a PROGRAMMING that’s been developed and passed down throughout generations). And it is a design of ‘not ever taking ANY responsibility’. BUT it’s also a very peculiar and tricky design. Because it hides behind a personality design of believing myself to be VERY responsible lol.

With the ‘common denominator’ in it all just being how the word ‘responsibility’ has come to be defined within my mind. Where I will for instance believe that I am a ‘very responsible’ individual, because I ‘always try to do the right thing’. I have a ‘righteousness complex’ in terms always doing my very best to ‘do right by’ other people and sort of ‘doing everything right’, within who I am as a person in relation to other people. Doing everything right basically so that NO ONE CAN EVER BLAME ME FOR ANYTHING. So I can never be held ‘responsible’ for anything. And anything that happens, it’ll always be someone else’s responsibility. Cause hey, I’ve just been doing my very best to ‘do everything right’ so don’t look at me.

So essentially that means that anything I go through internally, like when I feel hurt or am reacting, it must be because the other person isn’t ‘understanding’ or ‘considerate’ or ‘respectful’, and so not doing THEIR best to ‘treat me right’. To take ‘responsibility’ for ME, the way I take responsibility for THEM. So within all this I am not taking any responsibility for ME. Because I’ve defined ‘responsibility’ within ‘blame’, wherein I am basically just trying to make sure that I don’t ever get blamed for anything. That I am always doing everything ‘right’. And that thus, I can always be in a position to blame everybody else for anything that goes ‘wrong’. That I can always go ‘well I feel hurt because of what that THAT person did’. Rather than it being ‘I feel hurt because of what I am doing to myself internally. Which would be ACTUAL responsibility.

ACTUAL responsibility, having nothing to do with ‘blame’, but being simply about the realization and understanding that I AM ALONE.  And that everything that ‘happens’, everything that is ‘here’, is me. And so I am always ‘responsible’ for EVERYTHING. Blame, or ‘fault’, has nothing to do with it, it’s just FACT. A fact that has long been ignored. And so now yes we are in this mess. Now there’s lots to take responsibility for. Lots to go through and face and realize ourselves as responsible. Lots of those automatic reactions of blaming another for things I’m experiencing to now direct, and realize that it’s really never about anyone ‘else’. There’s only me.

In my Image and Likeness

I've always felt very ALONE. Like there's been this deep knowing within me that 'I am alone' on a deep beingness level. That, even though I can see 'other people' who look and walk and talk just like me, with my eyes, I am actually alone on a real level. In fact I've felt so extremely alone that at some point I was basically like 'fuck it, I don't want to feel this way forever. I'm just going to pretend as if I'm not alone.' And that pretty much got me to participate within the illusions in the mind. Illusions of 'relationships' with 'other people'. Of generating thoughts, emotions and feelings  wherein I could make myself feel as though I am 'not alone' because look here I am 'relating' to these 'other beings' through thoughts, emotions and feelings.

And in a way, I've walked an entire process that's taken me a fair amount of years to this exact point that I've been avoiding to face all this time. Because, quite simply, I don't know, as I've never known, just how to 'deal with it'. I've always felt 'stuck' in this loneliness. Because it's not just a feeling or emotion. It's actually REAL. It's a FACT. I AM ALONE, as a being, as life, as existence. I am alone.

So after going through the 'pain' of realizing, yet again, that I AM ALONE, and the same familiar experience of being 'stuck' and not knowing how to deal with this point inside of me, I did realize something. Or rather, there was a 'movement'. Because I do see that, yes I am alone, because I cannot 'relate' to anything that I see with my eyes. I cannot relate to 'people' because I do not recognize myself in them. Not the 'real me' anyways.

So maybe, if I cannot recognize myself in people, I'm going to MAKE SURE I recognize myself in people. I'm going to CREATE what it is that I've been looking for my whole existence - connection and togetherness. And I won't 'create' it through the mind as thoughts, emotions and feelings as that's been an illusion which has just brought me right back to the same point. I'm going to create it for real. I will CREATE my reality into my image and likeness, so that I can recognize myself finally.

Because, have I not also been created in the 'image and likeness' of others? Not a very nice image and likeness and not one I necessarily agree with. But who and what and how I exist as and have become as a 'human being' has been 'programmed'. Clearly by beings who had some power issues, but beings who took it upon themselves to form others into their image and likeness nonetheless. And maybe beings who also didn't really know what was best for themselves either, and so ended up creating something that represented the chaos and conflict and separation within. So yes, if you're going to create your image and likeness, you better make sure that image and likeness is something worth creating.

I will FIND the point that is 'me' within people, within animals, and nature, and everything that I see, however small that point may be. And then I will connect with that point, and speak to that point, nurture that point, support that point and give that point 'life', until it is HERE. So instead of changing myself to try and 'relate', I'll simply look for the 'relationship' that is already here. The 'me' that already does exist within others on some level. It may not be 'apparent', but I'll just have to look a little deeper to find it. I know I WILL find it, if I look for it. I mean, I found it in myself didn't I? lol

Desperate for Connection

This is a continuation to my previous post "I Love Myself"

I do this thing where I look outward a lot, towards other people with this sort of despair of 'please let me know who I am!!' Wanting 'feedback', but in a very intensely desperate way lol. As if my life depends on it. Like I NEED another person to tell me if I am 'good' or 'bad'. Because deep down I have this huge fear of like, everything basically.

I'm a very fearful, anxious, nervous, terrified little girl. Always looking to others to comfort me and reassure me. As a child it was in a very physical way, in terms of running to my parents whenever I felt afraid or scared of anything, but in a very desperate and lost kind of way. As if I felt extremely alone within myself and even when my parents were there, I could not shake that experience of being 'alone' and just not having a real 'connection' with them. Like, they were 'here' with me, but also not, in some way. And I felt desperate for that real connection. But always ended up feeling so lacking. Just so very alone. Like no one could really see me. As if I was really actually a ghost. Feeling so cold, alone, afraid, disconnected, lost. Looking for some hand to touch mine.

It was just me, and the fear inside myself. And that is how I have lived my life. LOOKING for connection. Instead of CREATING connection. Because I felt victimized by FEAR. I did not realize that what I was looking for wasn't 'here' because 'I' was what I was looking for lol. I was the point of 'connection'. It was something I need to live, and bring into manifestation, and create in this world. Because, it is not here already. But, it is something that is needed. So I must be the solution.

I was expecting a 'perfect world'. But I found something quite lacking. But then I didn't realize my responsibility, power or potential to create that world. To create that connection. I just accepted the fear which was telling me that there is no hope. There is nothing, and that's just the way it is. So I'd always be existing in a desperate search for something that simply 'isn't here'.