I Am NOT Responsible

This is a continuation of my previous post "Unrealistic Expectations"

Lately I have been getting more ‘hands-on’ with a particular programming that’s always been there on like a very very ‘quantum mind’ kind of level. Quantum mind, meaning that it’s just so much ‘me’ – so much part of just my automated reactions and experiences of and within myself – that I don’t even SEE that this is me. Or may be somewhat aware of in general terms, but cannot seem to put my finger on exactly when or how I am participating in it, which makes it very difficult to actually CHANGE it.

But then, these quantum mind programmings just take their time to sort of ‘unravel’ themselves, enough for me to finally be able to get more down-and-practical with them. Where I’m like ‘hah, I see you now! Time to start directing this mofo!’ So this particular mofo is this interesting sort of personality design that I have copied from my mother’s side (which is also something I’m only now more clearly SEEING – in terms of it quite literally just being  a PROGRAMMING that’s been developed and passed down throughout generations). And it is a design of ‘not ever taking ANY responsibility’. BUT it’s also a very peculiar and tricky design. Because it hides behind a personality design of believing myself to be VERY responsible lol.

With the ‘common denominator’ in it all just being how the word ‘responsibility’ has come to be defined within my mind. Where I will for instance believe that I am a ‘very responsible’ individual, because I ‘always try to do the right thing’. I have a ‘righteousness complex’ in terms always doing my very best to ‘do right by’ other people and sort of ‘doing everything right’, within who I am as a person in relation to other people. Doing everything right basically so that NO ONE CAN EVER BLAME ME FOR ANYTHING. So I can never be held ‘responsible’ for anything. And anything that happens, it’ll always be someone else’s responsibility. Cause hey, I’ve just been doing my very best to ‘do everything right’ so don’t look at me.

So essentially that means that anything I go through internally, like when I feel hurt or am reacting, it must be because the other person isn’t ‘understanding’ or ‘considerate’ or ‘respectful’, and so not doing THEIR best to ‘treat me right’. To take ‘responsibility’ for ME, the way I take responsibility for THEM. So within all this I am not taking any responsibility for ME. Because I’ve defined ‘responsibility’ within ‘blame’, wherein I am basically just trying to make sure that I don’t ever get blamed for anything. That I am always doing everything ‘right’. And that thus, I can always be in a position to blame everybody else for anything that goes ‘wrong’. That I can always go ‘well I feel hurt because of what that THAT person did’. Rather than it being ‘I feel hurt because of what I am doing to myself internally. Which would be ACTUAL responsibility.

ACTUAL responsibility, having nothing to do with ‘blame’, but being simply about the realization and understanding that I AM ALONE.  And that everything that ‘happens’, everything that is ‘here’, is me. And so I am always ‘responsible’ for EVERYTHING. Blame, or ‘fault’, has nothing to do with it, it’s just FACT. A fact that has long been ignored. And so now yes we are in this mess. Now there’s lots to take responsibility for. Lots to go through and face and realize ourselves as responsible. Lots of those automatic reactions of blaming another for things I’m experiencing to now direct, and realize that it’s really never about anyone ‘else’. There’s only me.

The road of the least resistance

This is a continuation of my previous blog post "It's All Already Here"


My relationship or rather reaction with the mind has always been conflictual. In that, I always REACT when anything comes up in terms of thoughts, emotions and feelings. And within that reaction I define myself within and as whatever it is that comes up, and also sort of make it worse.

So, I BATTLE the mind. And in a way I try to DOMINATE it. I try to suppress it and push it back/down. Because I believe that it is 'me'. And when, obviously with pretty much every thought and emotion/feeling that comes up, I see and realize that 'this is not my best potential', I go, "Noooooo!! This isn't the real me! This can't be the real me!!" And within that reaction of panic/fear, my reaction is to then fight back and try to suppress/dominate.

Rather than ACTUALLY realizing that 'this is not the real me'. Not within a reaction/judgment/fear. But a simple REALIZATION and UNDERSTANDING that, 'thoughts, emotions and feelings are not the real me'. And that, even though it seems 'intuitive' to resist, I actually must take the path of the least resistance. To allow these thoughts/emotions/feelings - whatever comes up - to move THROUGH me. Where I 'give way' to it. And I basically say "I'm not going to fight you". "No matter what you do, I will not resist you."

Maybe that is the living of forGIVEness. To have that 'give'. That bendability, flexibility, pliability. Of knowing that yes where I may bend and 'give way', I am never 'broken'. That I cannot 'break'. That no matter what happens, and no matter what I 'give way' to, no matter how 'overwhelming' and 'crushing' and 'threatening' it may appear, I will not actually disappear. That it may for a moment seem like I do when I don't put up that resistance and when I allow it to just sort of 'wash over me'. But I'll come out on the other side, with a greater connection to myself.

The way I have always lived is to actually take the road of the MOST resistance. To ALWAYS put up a fight. As a way of DEFENDING myself. Cause it's always felt like, if I don't, then that 'openness' and 'bendability'/flexibility/pliability will be 'dominated' and pushed down and suppressed. That there is ABUSE that will take place. And so that 'fighting' and 'resistance' has always felt like a very 'intuitive' response. A response of 'self-preservation'.

Because, there WAS abuse that took place. Yet, it was not understood as 'abuse' at the time. I did not 'stand' within me as a being, seeing and understanding and realizing what is going on in reality. Seeing and realizing how those beings in my life whom I trusted the most, were the most untrustworthy. Seeing and realizing how they existed within and as their mind, and seeing/realizing why they were who and how they were.

I rather 'trusted'. And then that trust was 'violated'. And then I felt 'violated'. Yet could never put my finger on why or how exactly I felt that way deep inside. Cause my 'self-preservation' response would not allow me to consider accessing that which had 'caused' me to become so 'violated' and that which would thus just make me go through the trauma all over again. I mean, how could I EVER, after what had happened to me, perceive who/how I was as flexible/pliable/bendable to be a 'good' thing?

Where rather, I should have realized that it wasn't that flexibility/pliability/bendability that was the problem. The problem was how it had been abused. It's the classic case of the trauma victim blaming themselves for what happened to them, while it's clear that obviously the abuse itself is the problem. BUT, a side that's also missed however, is how as a victim of trauma you are responsible. SO, how exactly are you as a trauma victim responsible for what happened to you??

What your reality was showing you, through the 'trauma', was things which you on a deep beingness level never wanted to take responsibility for. Things which you never wanted to realize or see or consider. Yet, things that do exist. You suffered at the hands of the things you were not willing to see, so that reality would show you how delusional you are.

Throughout my existence as a being, I tried to hold on to my 'innocence'. And would not consider 'abuse' to exist within me. Which, in a way, is 'cool'. But it also meant that I would not take responsibility for the abuse that DOES exist within reality. Thus, I would become a VICTIM of it, and so would in fact contribute to the cycle of abuse within existence. Because, even when abuse does not exist in and as you, you are still responsible for its existence. You're still responsible to DIRECT it. You can't just put blinders on and choose to just not see the things that happen to not exist in you. YOU have to still be a 'voice of change'. A voice of 'ENOUGH'.

Being a victim is NOT a solution, cause you're just allowing the abuse to still go on. You're just saying 'I'm not responsible'. But so what if you're 'not responsible'? How can you say that choosing to not see the things that are actually unacceptable isn't your part and responsibility in allowing those things to keep on existing? The abuse that happened to you, happened to you because you ALLOWED it to exist by saying 'I'm not responsible'. You never stood up as a being as a statement of 'THIS ENDS HERE'.

In a way you were the eternal 'child'. And never stepped into a point of 'maturity', where you are able to take responsibility for things that you aren't necessarily directly 'responsible for'. Where it doesn't even matter what is who's 'fault' per se, and who is doing what, because you stand as a point of 'responsibility' to direct it all. You are the 'parent' taking responsibility for reality. So no matter the abuse that exists, you consider yourself to be responsible to find effective ways to stop the abuse. You become the principle of what you will accept and allow within and as reality, and what is simply UNACCEPTABLE.

And if anything, it's those who most victimize themselves to the abuse, that need to stand up. Because it's us who are the ones that will not allow abuse to exist. We do not allow it to exist within and as ourselves, so why have we been accepting and allowing it within reality?? It's us who need to become the 'parent' and no longer just stand idly by, watching the abuse happen, believing that somehow we're doing 'enough' as long as we try to just hold on to our own innocence. Because if you do not stand up and say STOP, it will never stop. It will continue to be accepted and allowed, throughout cycles and cycles of it. Because you are not stepping in to say 'NO, THIS IS NOT OK' and you are not being the parent you are supposed to be. And not realizing that those who deliberately abuse, will not simply stop and change. They won't suddenly 'realize what they're doing' and realize they need to change. DIRECTION is needed within reality, and it's those who realize what is going on who need to find ways to stand as the DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE.




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To Live as GOD

 This is a continuation of my previous post "What is Real Assertiveness?"

I mean it's interesting, this fear of having cancer is a programming in the mind. I never really saw it as a programming cause I thought it's 'just a fear'. An intense fear yes but 'just fear' that I basically just need to 'get over'.

And although yes it's a fear, it's actually also a 'programming'. A programming of almost wishing myself ill. Like wishing the worst for myself. Cause everytime that fear of 'getting cancer' comes up and I get all panicked and fearful of 'omg maybe i have cancer', it's almost like I am deliberately putting myself in that mental/emotional state  of basically thinking the worst for myself and it also makes me feel just horrible. Like it makes me feel unsettled and uncomfortable and separated from myself.

And it's this programming of 'wishing the worst' rather than 'wishing the best'. And I do it in relation to other people as well. Where I will actually wish the worst for them. Like I WANT people to just get cancer or some bad illness and die, as horrible as that sounds. Or to have bad things happen to them in their lives. Like, as long as it's you and not me. type of thing. But then obviously there will also be the point of fear of, 'omg but what if it's ME?!' What if I'm the one that bad things happen to?!

I guess it's based on the belief that we can't all be happy. That in this world there's only inequality which means that one person gets to be happy and healthy and have everything, and another person is fucked. They get things like cancer or they lose their job or die. So its like I learned to just hope that it's other people who get the bad stuff happen to them and not me. But then that does mean that I exist in constant fear of that 'bad stuff' happening to me - while I do simultaneously wish it upon everybody else.

Rather than wishing EVERYBODY well. Wishing that EVERYBODY can be healthy and happy  and that nobody needs to 'get the short end of the stick' or needs to suffer. Like, also asking the question of why is there suffering in this world to begin with? Why is it that some people need to get sick and lose their job and lose everything they have or have some horrible accident happen to them? I never even asked that question and never even considered that that's not how reality should be. I just accepted that thats just how things are and that you should just hope for the best only for yourself in this world.

Rather than wishing and hoping for the best for EVERYONE. So I have lived and accepted and allowed myself to live words like inequality and 'fate' - accepting that things are not 'equal', as in that everybody can't be equally happy and fulfilled. And accepting that if bad shit does happen, it's 'fate'. It's 'the luck of the draw' and there's nothing you can do about it, so therefore you should just hope that it doesn't happen to you. That your number doesn't get drawn, but that it's somebody else's number that's up.


 I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word inequality in separation of myself by having lived it within and as the definition and the belief that things can't be 'equal', and that in this world there are only polarities of rich and poor, healthy and unhealthy, lucky and unlucky, fortunate and unfortunate - and so the belief that basically life cannot be equally pleasant and good for everyone -- but that if one person is happy then that means another person must suffer, as in a game of 'balance'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed to live the word inequality as in believing that things cannot be equal in this world  and that everything is a game of balance -- as though we cannot create a heaven on earth wherein EVERYBODY is happy and healthy and lucky and fortunate

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for this word within and as myself by defining myself within and as it and defining reality within and as it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for the words that I am living within and as me and so to rather live the word EQUALITY and so standing for a world and reality wherein everything is equal - in terms of where everyone can be happy and healthy and lucky and fortunate and where there's no such thing as 'balance' but where everything is considered and supported and cared for equally -- and where thus the life of one being does not result in consequences in the life of another

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed a world of 'balance' to exist - or rather that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'balance' within and as 'inequality' -- as the belief and the acceptance that things must be 'balanced out' through consequences, that happiness must be balanced out with unhappiness, healthy must be balanced out with unhealthy, love must be balanced out with hate, etcetera -- and that thus nothing can exist without it's 'balance point' --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that this belief and acceptance is just a consequence of never having taken responsibility for defining and redefining words, but rather having accepted definitions of words and having lived those definitions as reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as life as reality to define myself within and as the word inequality as the acceptance that for me to be happy someone else must suffer and the acceptance that 'good' is in fact 'bad' as for anything 'good' something 'bad' must exist -- the belief that there must always be a 'counter-point', the belief that nothing is ever 'free' and 'unconditional', the belief that there must always be a point of 'debt', of 'consequence' and that nothing can ever truly simply be 'good'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to therefore have defined the word equality within and as inequality as a polarity, within and as the word 'balance' -- wherein thus I've essentially made the word equality non-existent, or to rather actually mean it's opposite, just a void concept that doesn't mean anything and isn't real

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that equality cannot exist when inequality exists

and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the word inequality to even exist

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to take responsibility for standing as the living embodiment of what is best for all as me, and so standing in and as the living word EQUALITY, rather than accepting and allowing the word 'inequality' to exist in and as me and in and as reality as me and so live something that isn't actually best for me as reality

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live the word EQUALITY without defining it in and as a polarity with inequality -- but actually seeing and living it as the solution to life on earth -- where equality is not defined within and as 'balance' as polarity but stands alone as a LIVING WORD

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the word 'balance' by defining it within and as 'polarity' as energy, within and as the belief that for any 'good' there must be 'bad' and for any 'positive' there must be 'negative' and that no word can exist without its opposite

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to define balance within and as imbalance - rather than living balance as a living word

I forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that polarities is basically 'imbalance'

and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'balance' within and as an acceptance of polarities as the belief that for 'good' to exist 'bad' must exist -- and that 'balance' is in a way a 'leveling out' of the good and the bad -- as though you're walking on a tight rope and are constantly at risk of 'falling off' and being 'tilted' to one side or the other and get 'off balance' -- which is essentially defining balance within and as imbalance

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live balance as a living word, not defined in and as a polarity

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live the word balance as essentially the in-breath and the out-breath -- which still exists in and as equality, where neither is good or bad or more or less and there is no polarity, there is simply 'balance' -- as essentially an equal consideration of everything

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live the word balance as simply an equal consideration of everything that exists

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live the word equality as the honoring, consideration and support of everything in existence as equal with myself - and so simply realizing everything as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to never even consider the possibility of equality as a reality where EVERYONE can be happy and healthy and lucky and fortunate -- by having accepted and allowed myself to be programmed in and as inequality to that extent that I believe I must actually exist in hope that someone else will experience something bad rather than myself, so that I can experience something good, and that I would accept such a reality where I accept the suffering of others in my name

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live 'equality' as in wishing everybody well, just like i'd wish myself well -- and so to see and consider everyone as equal with myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live inequality as the acceptance that someone else will suffer so that I can feel happy -- and so the acceptance of absolute disregard of life as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word fate in separation of myself as in believing that when something 'bad' happens to someone, it's just what it is, because of how reality is, because of inequality, and there's nothing anyone can do about that

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'fate' in a polarity with the word 'god' - and so defining the word fate as basically the belief that 'I am not God, so therefore I have no power and I have no directive principle and so anything that happens in this reality and any of how this reality exists is completely out of my hands'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to live the word fate as equal with the word God, and so not in a polarity -- but to basically live the word God, as power, responsibility and directive principle, as well as living the word fate as essentially the 'result' of the kind of 'God' that you are and how you direct reality and take responsibility -- where 'fate' is simply the result of the 'equality equation'  in terms of what am I creating for myself as 'God' and what 'fate' is going to meet me based on what I have created and how I have existed as 'God' -- where thus fate is essentially the awareness and realization that everything is in my hands, that I decide my 'fate'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to EVEN CONSIDER hoping for the best for ONLY MYSELF while disregarding everyone else

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to wish for the best for all as me and so to not just think of and include myself when I'm 'wishing for the best' -- but to include ALL of existence -- and so living and standing in and as the word EQUALITY -- and so not allowing the polarities to exist of assuming that for one person to be happy, another must suffer, and so not accepting and allowing 'suffering' to exist at all within me as reality -- but to only stand as what is best for ALL as me in equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word inequality by only looking out for myself – instead of looking out for everyone as equal with myself – and so not just wanting a better world for just me but wanting a better world for all as me in equality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live the word inequality by defining myself within and as and accepting the statement of ‘just be grateful for what you’ve got’ and ‘this world just is what it is and there’s nothing we can do about it so just be happy that you’re not suffering’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that I wouldn’t be justifying suffering in that way if I were the one suffering – I wouldn’t be telling myself that ‘this is fine the way it is, there’s nothing I can do about it so I should just be grateful for what I have or rather, don’t have’ and ‘it’s ok that I am suffering at the hands of others who cling to their little bit of happiness and don’t do anything to change the world so others like me don’t have to suffer’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it’s only those who have not experienced suffering or who aren’t experiencing suffering as a consequence of this world the way it is, who will justify suffering and justify not doing anything about it to change this world – and who will accept statements like ‘just be grateful for what you have, there’s nothing you can do anyways’ – because when you are the one suffering, then you will WANT change and you will DEMAND change and PUSH for change and you won’t just be ‘ok’ with things ‘the way they are’

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that people who say and accept such things as ‘there is nothing we can do to change the world’, ‘this is just how things are’ and ‘just be grateful for what you have’ – are those who have not placed themselves in the shoes of those who are actually suffering as a consequence of ‘how things are’ and who do not want to place themselves in the shoes of the one they are justifying the suffering of and thus those who have a blatant DISREGARD for anything other than themselves

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and realize and understand that when you don’t want to change the world and eliminate suffering from the world, you are not considering others as equal to yourself – as you allow suffering to be done onto another that you would not want to be done onto yourself, and so you are saying that ‘another is of less value, importance and worth than me so it’s ok for them to go through something that I myself would not want to go through’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that it’s only through living equality as in placing myself in the shoes of those who are suffering in this world, that I will really find out the ‘truth’ – that I will truly see and understand what must be done and what is ACTUALLY important – and I will stop justifying and excusing ‘the way things are’ because I will truly realize and understand that what is being accepted and allowed as a consequence of ‘how things are’ is UNACCEPTABLE

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to live the word equality as placing myself in the shoes of another and so therein truly being able to see solutions in the principle of giving to another what I would like for myself in their shoes

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that those who justify the suffering of others in this world are simply not placing themselves in the shoes of those they are allowing to suffer and so they simply aren’t seeing or realizing another as themselves as they hide behind their reasons and justifications and excuses for why another is apparently not equal to them – while if they were to truly place themselves in the shoes of another, they would SEE directly what is real and what is not

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the shoes of every individual being in this world and actually go through what they are going through so that I can SEE directly what actually exists in this world and reality and so that I would stop hiding behind justifications and excuses for why I am not doing everything in my power to change this world – because only when I have actually gone through the suffering myself, will I truly understand that suffering is UNACCEPTABLE

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to shield myself off from going through the suffering that exists in this world, and to just exist in hope that I will never have to go through it – and to therein essentially just accept and allow it to exist and be done onto others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be OK with suffering being done onto and happening onto others as long as I can feel safe and secure

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider fearing going through what other beings in this world are going through – instead of simply realizing and seeing and understanding that THEY ARE GOING THROUGH IT and I have been allowing that – I have been allowing harm to come to another that I would not want to come to myself without realizing or considering that another is equal to myself as we are all equally here – we are all equally beings that exist, so what I accept and allow to be done onto another is what I accept and allow to be done onto me --- so in a way all this suffering is already being done onto me as another, I just have never been AWARE of it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to even consider separating myself from another with fear – and so to even consider allowing fear to create the illusion that another is not me --- instead of simply realizing that every being in this world is me as all beings here in and as this reality are equal to me – and that thus what is happening to another is happening to me, and that I must stand in the shoes of all beings as me and direct this reality to be and become what is best for all as me

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to be aware of the suffering that actually exists in this world and reality, by having defined myself in and as fear, in apparent ‘separation’ of it all – while just allowing it all to continue existing while numbing and blinding myself to it with fear

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to even exist within me as something wherein I separate myself from all other beings in this world and reality and wherein I ‘numb’ myself so that I wouldn’t actually see all the suffering that exists here in this world and reality – and the suffering that other beings as me are going through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as fear as the ‘great separator’ – instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that who I really am is oneness and equality – that I am every being that exists in this world and reality as all beings are equal to me and that therefore what happens to another is happening to myself – and that if and when I separate myself from that, then I am turning my back to myself and rejecting myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed any separation to exist within myself in relation to other beings and so not stand within and as the shoes of every being in this world and reality

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that in fact, the physical is existing in constant pain – because I have never considered or seen it as equal to myself and so have never made sure that the physical is supported as I would like to be supported and that nothing is done onto the physical that I would not want to be done onto myself

I forgive myself that I have never accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the physical is me and that everything that happens within and onto the physical is happening within and onto me --  and that I am thus singlehandedly responsible to direct this world and reality in a way that will  create the best outcome for the physical as me

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that every being in this reality is me so there is no excuse or justification to not stand in the shoes of every being in every moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be programmed within and as the word ‘God’ by defining it in separation of myself, within and as the belief that ‘I am not God’ and that ‘God is a force or something or someone greater than myself, which is holding this existence in their hands, and I am just at the mercy of this force’

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that ‘God’ is simply the realization that all beings in existence are equal with myself – it’s to see myself in another and to stand in their shoes and recognize that there is no separation – where, within that I will see and realize myself as responsible to direct this world and reality in a way that is best for all beings as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define ‘God’ as a ‘greater force’ instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that in fact ‘God’ is the simple awareness and understanding that everything is me – that another being is equal to me and that thus I am responsible for what I accept and allow to be done onto another as me, because it IS me in oneness and equality --- it’s to simply stand in the shoes of all beings and realize that the pain of another is my pain and so my responsibility to ‘solve’ and direct and heal – and that therefore nothing is ‘out of my hands’ because when I stand in the shoes of those who are suffering as myself, then I will make DAMN SURE that I will take things in my hands and that I will do whatever I possibly can to stop the suffering

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the suffering in this reality actually only happens and exists on a physical level – which is the level that the human being is not aware of – as the human exists in separation of the physical within and as the mind consciousness system

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that the human has no idea of what real suffering is as they exist in and as the mind consciousness system which exists in suppression of the physical

I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to stand in and as the physical and stand equal with the physical, which is where the real suffering is going on – and to see and realize and understand that the human is not in any way aware of what is really going on in reality and what is really being done onto reality as the human exists in absolute separation of actual reality as the physical – as the mind is essentially designed to suppress the physical

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed there to even be a ‘me’ within myself, instead of standing as all as me – so when I am worrying about ‘me’ or considering ‘me’ or thinking about ‘me’ and preoccupied with ‘me’ – then I am worrying about, preoccupied with, considering and thinking about all beings as me – and so wanting the best for all as me

When and as I see this fear of cancer point come up within me, then I stop and I breathe, and I see and realize and understand that this is actually a consequence of having defined myself within and as and having lived the word ‘inequality’ as the belief that ‘for some to be happy, others must suffer’ and that ‘we can’t all be happy’ – wherein I have come to accept the suffering of others in my name and essentially wish things to be done onto them that I would not want to be done onto me, just so that I could be ‘safe’ from it happening to me, by existing in and as the principle of ‘balance’ – that for my happiness, someone else must lose their happiness as the belief that ‘balance’ is essentially a game of polarities where anything ‘good’ cannot exist without something ‘bad’, and where thus ‘happiness’ cannot exist without ‘suffering’ – and wherein I thus also exist in constant fear of those bad things and that suffering that I’m accepting and allowing to be done onto another, happening to me

I see and realize and understand that I am not inequality – and that who I really am is equality as the recognition of another as me, as the standing in the shoes of another and the realization that what I accept and allow to be done onto another is what I accept and allow to be done onto myself – and thus the recognition and realization of my responsibility to direct reality to the best outcome for all as me

I see and realize and understand that ‘balance’ is not defined within polarities of good vs bad, happiness vs suffering, lucky vs unlucky, etc, but that balance is in fact just the in- and out-breath as everything being equally considered, everything in reality being equal and so equally cared for and supported and considered, where nothing is more or less or good or bad

I see and realize and understand that fear of getting cancer is basically thus a consequence of having accepted and allowed suffering to exist in this world and reality because I never saw another as equal with myself – and because I have always just been ‘fine’ with the suffering of another as I was hiding behind justifications and excuses like ‘reality is the way it is and there is nothing I can do about that’ and ‘just be grateful for what you have’ – rather than standing in the shoes of another and realizing and understanding that any suffering is UNACCEPTABLE and so not just allowing things to be done onto another that I would not want to be done onto myself

I commit myself to live the word EQUALITY as basically defining ‘me’ as all beings as me, as standing in the shoes of all beings in this world and reality and so considering all beings in this world and reality whenever I consider ‘me’ – and so not have ‘me’ exist in separation from other beings in reality

I commit myself to, anytime I think about or consider or am preoccupied with or am worrying about ‘me’ – to be thinking about, considering, preoccupied with and worrying about all beings in existence as me – so that I can also therein stand as God, as in directing myself in this reality to create an outcome that is best for all as me – as well as live the word FATE, as in deciding and creating the FATE as the outcome of reality as me through how I live as God

I commit myself to live the word GOD, by living and standing AS all beings in existence and so directing myself as all, within consideration of ALL beings in existence equally – and so living in a way that will ensure the best outcome for ALL beings in and as existence

I commit myself to take my responsibility as GOD  by living the word EQUALITY – living as ALL AS ME and so directing ALL AS ME

I commit myself to thus assist and support myself to RELAX as in let go of all self-interest as all points wherein I separate myself from other beings and from reality as me – so that I can stand AS existence

I commit myself to live the word GOD in terms of actually living what is best – and actually redefining and defining words so that they no longer exist within and as polarities as consequence but to actually ensure that I live words as expressions of life that stand in support of life – so that I stand in support of a world that is best for all as me – a world wherein inequality does not exist and where suffering does not exist

I'm just a Player in the Game

This is a continuation of my previous post "I can be Evil if I Wanted to"

And like, as long as there exists 'competition' in you, as in 'comparison', you're GONNA always be the 'loser' lol. Cause it's the point you have to eventually face as the 'consequence' of your 'creation'. So if you think you're 'winning', you're definitely losing. So, best to just stay out of that game and just not compare yourself at all. Because, comparison is in fact a sure way for you to abdicate SELF-responsibility. To lose sight of your 'self'.

'Comparison' creates this illusion that somehow we're not just creating and deciding EVERYTHING about ourselves and about how we exist in every singular moment. As though our existence is somehow decided and created by something else. And we're all just sort of existing by a 'luck of the draw'. In one big 'game' or 'competition', wherein we thus must compete against each other to 'make it to the end'. Whatever that 'end' may be.

And you basically believe that, "oh but, I didn't do this. I didn't choose any of this. I'm just a player in this big game, at the mercy of the 'rules' of the game which I certainly did not decide." When, I mean, you DID in fact decide all of it, you just haven't been honest with yourself about it. And at this point, there's just layers and layers of self-dishonesty. So, yes, now, it is going to have to be a 'process' for you walk through and 'peel off' all those layers so you can realize, "oh, lol, I DID create all of it."

And it's quite unfortunate actually. Because yes, there is an 'innocence'. In that, how we've come to create ourselves was very much sort of 'programmed' or 'impulsed' by the 'world' we grew up in. The reality we happened to have been born into. But at the same time there is a responsibility, and that is the point we have always missed. And so, here we are.

In it but not Of it

This is a continuation of my previous post "I am the Best"

"To be in it but not of it". That statement always did make sense to me, but it's only now that I'm realizing or learning what it means on a practical level. To be in something but not of it.

To be 'in' a certain 'programming', like a 'relationship' for example. Because yes, relationships are a 'program' of this world and of the mind. So whatever relationship you're 'in' sort of reflects the 'programming' that you've accepted and allowed within and as you. And it'll show you EXACTLY what you've accepted and allowed.

So, even though it often won't be 'pleasant', you have to sort of 'accept' that 'Ok, this is me'. Stop fighting it. Stop expecting things to be 'different' or 'better'. Stop thinking you 'should get better' lol. Cause you're getting exactly what you 'deserve'. Well, not really 'deserve', but more like you're being 'served' exactly what you 'decided', or 'agreed to', or 'allowed', throughout your years of living a preprogrammed existence. So, just sort of find the 'core' of the programming and stand one and equal with that.

What is this relationship showing you, in terms of 'how' it's existing? And, have you actually really taken responsibility for the totality of it? Have you really faced the thing you've become that has created this relationship the way that it is? I mean, find the words to describe the relationship and the 'dynamics' that are playing out, and you'll find the programming you're still living and haven't taken responsibility for.

And if you're finding that there's 'conflict' in you with regards to how it's existing, then just give up the battle. Just be like "Ok, this is me". And sort of, 'play the game', the way you've designed it. Play the role you've created for yourself, and 'accept' the game as it is. Get to the place where there's no more blame, cause it's all only what you've accepted and allowed. All arrows point to you. To me that's what it means to be 'in' it, but not 'of' it.

To be Responsible is to ACT

This is a continuation of my previous post "And what if I am a Piece of Shit?"

I always believed that, as long as I don't actually do anything, I can't do anything wrong! lol I was always very afraid of 'failing', of making mistakes, of 'screwing up' and of 'doing the wrong thing' and then later realizing that 'omg, I fucked up!' And that attitude then sort of placed me in a position of looking at all the people who WERE doing things and who WERE expressing themselves, and then playing 'judge'. Judging them for the mistakes or the misguided decisions I saw them make.

Cause now THEY're the 'abusers'. Cause, THEY're the ones doing all the things. Not me though. I'm not hurting a fly! Cause I'm not doing shit lol. I'm just miss goody-two-shoes who never does anything wrong. Just a 'dear little soul', sitting nicely in the corner, 'well-behaved', and never doing anything out of her own 'volition'.

But then, who am I actually living for? Certainly not for me, if I'm not willing to simply take responsibility for my actions, or non-actions. Cause that's what living is, isn't it? What it means to be alive. It's to express yourself and to take responsibility for the consequences of those actions. To stand accountable and responsible. AND to take action to direct things in a way you see is best. I mean if you are really a living being, and you see that things aren't right, then you will act to 'make them right'.

And yeah you might make some mistakes, and you might realize that some things you did were a bit 'misguided'. But that's why you make sure that you do your 'due diligence'. That you investigate and research things before taking action. Don't just act on impulse. Or on your thoughts, feelings or emotions. Just look at what's here, apply common sense, and then act. Even though you may still not have ALL the information. Some things, yeah, you need to realize by doing, and then investigating again. Some things are just a 'learning process'. So, better to ACT and take responsibility for the consequences, than to not do anything at all. At least then you can say, "I've lived."

Live by Principles so you can be Trusted

This is a continuation of my previous post "Checking in with the Real You"

The thing, or the 'problem', with the positive stuff, is mostly that you lose your sense of responsibility. It just takes you away from 'here'. You lose your 'footing' as you start 'floating' in a way on that 'vibe' of whatever energy you're 'vibrating' on.

Almost, and actually very much lol, as though you're starting to exist on a different plane. Or an alternate existence. An existence where all that 'exists' is the energy you chose to seep into. And, it's a 'seeping', because it just happens so gradually. Not like you cross a clear and obvious line from one dimension or reality to the next. It's more like a 'trickle'. Slowly but surely your awareness, and 'you' pretty much, starts seeping into this 'pocket', or 'bubble' of energy - lured in by the call of whatever desire you're still suppressing.

You may think you're being self honest, but you're not lol

So then, how do you measure self-honesty? How do you make sure that you remain self-honest in every moment? That you stay 'here', present, responsible. To basically avoid having to at some point realize that you got lost in an alternate dimension and then have to face the consequences of not having stood in responsibility for all the ripple effects of every action in every moment. Cause, that's tough. To have to stand at that point of consequence.

The only way you measure anything really, which is in the physical. You need to have principles in place. Principles to live by. If you can live by those principles, then you know you're self-honest. Without principles, there's no responsibility for anything. And you'll be directed, influenced and defined by desires.

Principles is what 'makes the world go round'. Literally lol. Every 'law' nature and the physical reality follows is a principle. Because, it is that which is 'lived by'. That which is never compromised. That which can be trusted. It's why human beings cannot be trusted. Because they don't live by principles.

The one principle I abandoned, where I created a lot of 'tough to face'-consequences for myself, was to walk with the group. Where I started thinking that 'I'm better off alone'. And started trusting more in 'myself' than in 'the group'. That may sound strange, but yes actually the group does 'know better'. And if you find yourself veering off 'on your own' - that's ego my friend. It takes a certain humbleness to walk with a group. And that humbleness is what I abandoned.