Tourettes

This is a continuation of my previous post "You're a Fucking Bitch"

Looking back on my life in general, there were many moments, many memories I have, wherein I seemed to deliberately place myself in situations that just caused me greater stress and anxiety and emotional inner conflict than I was already experiencing. Where I was for instance doing things because of some belief or idea in my mind of ‘oh this is what I’m supposed to be doing’ and completely ignored the fact that what I was doing was making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Like there was just a complete disregard for my own feelings and inner experiences and on top of that as well a tendency to almost deliberately make myself feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Like a bullying of myself in a way.

In fact most of the things I did, in terms of the people I chose to hang out with and the activities we participated in, actually made me feel very anxious. And if I had listened to myself and done what was best for me, I simply would not have chosen  those friends/activities. Yet, I did all of it because I believed it’s what I wanted. It’s only now, being more aware of who I am in my mind, that I am realizing and seeing that I was living this programming of being harmful towards myself – in terms of basically rather than doing what made me feel good, comfortable and pleasant, I did that which made me feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, ashamed and conflicted within myself. And I felt good about that! Lol

And then I’d also sometimes ended up blaming other people for judging me, instead of realizing that I placed myself in that situation to begin with, kind of throwing myself to the vultures, being vulnerable to be judged. Because sure, judgment is a thing. People judge. And yes if you’re going to behave and express yourself in a certain way, people are going to judge you in a certain way. So it’s almost like I deliberately did things that would cause others as well as myself to judge me, so that I could then go and feel ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed within myself, over and over and over again.

It’s kind of similar to people who have Tourettes. You see them reacting immediately to their own behavior and expression with shame, guilt and embarrassment. But it’s like they can’t help themselves. There’s something inside of them that needs/wants to do it. It’s that addiction to ‘self-harm’. Something inside them that yes, DELIBERATELY, places them in situations wherein they WILL end up feeling bad about themselves in some way.

So why do this? What’s going on here? What I traced it back to within myself  is this sort of attachment to ‘relationships’. Or rather, a more intense one than within your average human. A more intense sense of ‘I just want to be friends’ or ‘I want you to like me’. It’s kind of a ‘relationship demon’. And it’s interesting because ‘relationships’ actually means self-compromise. Cause the more you want or try to create relationships with others, the more you’re willing to not be yourself just so you can please others. It’s a form of self-abuse. Cause you’re just not considering yourself in any way whatsoever, as you’ll do anything just to be ‘liked by others’.

And I mean me personally have never been able to imagine NOT having this desire for relationships. To be able to ‘just be myself’ when I’m around other people. Also the concept of ‘agreements’ was always something unfathomable to me. Only now are my eyes starting to open to the possibilities of existing beyond this ‘relationship preprogramming’. To consider that it’s possible to be ‘together’ with another person, yet not in a ‘relationship’, but in an ‘agreement’. And for me to honor my relationship with myself instead.

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In my Image and Likeness

I've always felt very ALONE. Like there's been this deep knowing within me that 'I am alone' on a deep beingness level. That, even though I can see 'other people' who look and walk and talk just like me, with my eyes, I am actually alone on a real level. In fact I've felt so extremely alone that at some point I was basically like 'fuck it, I don't want to feel this way forever. I'm just going to pretend as if I'm not alone.' And that pretty much got me to participate within the illusions in the mind. Illusions of 'relationships' with 'other people'. Of generating thoughts, emotions and feelings  wherein I could make myself feel as though I am 'not alone' because look here I am 'relating' to these 'other beings' through thoughts, emotions and feelings.

And in a way, I've walked an entire process that's taken me a fair amount of years to this exact point that I've been avoiding to face all this time. Because, quite simply, I don't know, as I've never known, just how to 'deal with it'. I've always felt 'stuck' in this loneliness. Because it's not just a feeling or emotion. It's actually REAL. It's a FACT. I AM ALONE, as a being, as life, as existence. I am alone.

So after going through the 'pain' of realizing, yet again, that I AM ALONE, and the same familiar experience of being 'stuck' and not knowing how to deal with this point inside of me, I did realize something. Or rather, there was a 'movement'. Because I do see that, yes I am alone, because I cannot 'relate' to anything that I see with my eyes. I cannot relate to 'people' because I do not recognize myself in them. Not the 'real me' anyways.

So maybe, if I cannot recognize myself in people, I'm going to MAKE SURE I recognize myself in people. I'm going to CREATE what it is that I've been looking for my whole existence - connection and togetherness. And I won't 'create' it through the mind as thoughts, emotions and feelings as that's been an illusion which has just brought me right back to the same point. I'm going to create it for real. I will CREATE my reality into my image and likeness, so that I can recognize myself finally.

Because, have I not also been created in the 'image and likeness' of others? Not a very nice image and likeness and not one I necessarily agree with. But who and what and how I exist as and have become as a 'human being' has been 'programmed'. Clearly by beings who had some power issues, but beings who took it upon themselves to form others into their image and likeness nonetheless. And maybe beings who also didn't really know what was best for themselves either, and so ended up creating something that represented the chaos and conflict and separation within. So yes, if you're going to create your image and likeness, you better make sure that image and likeness is something worth creating.

I will FIND the point that is 'me' within people, within animals, and nature, and everything that I see, however small that point may be. And then I will connect with that point, and speak to that point, nurture that point, support that point and give that point 'life', until it is HERE. So instead of changing myself to try and 'relate', I'll simply look for the 'relationship' that is already here. The 'me' that already does exist within others on some level. It may not be 'apparent', but I'll just have to look a little deeper to find it. I know I WILL find it, if I look for it. I mean, I found it in myself didn't I? lol

Desperate for Connection

This is a continuation to my previous post "I Love Myself"

I do this thing where I look outward a lot, towards other people with this sort of despair of 'please let me know who I am!!' Wanting 'feedback', but in a very intensely desperate way lol. As if my life depends on it. Like I NEED another person to tell me if I am 'good' or 'bad'. Because deep down I have this huge fear of like, everything basically.

I'm a very fearful, anxious, nervous, terrified little girl. Always looking to others to comfort me and reassure me. As a child it was in a very physical way, in terms of running to my parents whenever I felt afraid or scared of anything, but in a very desperate and lost kind of way. As if I felt extremely alone within myself and even when my parents were there, I could not shake that experience of being 'alone' and just not having a real 'connection' with them. Like, they were 'here' with me, but also not, in some way. And I felt desperate for that real connection. But always ended up feeling so lacking. Just so very alone. Like no one could really see me. As if I was really actually a ghost. Feeling so cold, alone, afraid, disconnected, lost. Looking for some hand to touch mine.

It was just me, and the fear inside myself. And that is how I have lived my life. LOOKING for connection. Instead of CREATING connection. Because I felt victimized by FEAR. I did not realize that what I was looking for wasn't 'here' because 'I' was what I was looking for lol. I was the point of 'connection'. It was something I need to live, and bring into manifestation, and create in this world. Because, it is not here already. But, it is something that is needed. So I must be the solution.

I was expecting a 'perfect world'. But I found something quite lacking. But then I didn't realize my responsibility, power or potential to create that world. To create that connection. I just accepted the fear which was telling me that there is no hope. There is nothing, and that's just the way it is. So I'd always be existing in a desperate search for something that simply 'isn't here'.

That which we're all Looking for

This is a continuation of my previous post "You are a Threat to Me"

A quite ‘stubborn’ programming I have found for me is the ‘relationship programming’. Like there’s this sort of constant tendency to see and perceive ‘my relationship’ as ‘the answer’. Or perceive it as something that’s here to ‘support me’. Something that’s ‘good for me’. Something I can ‘trust’.

And then I’ll sort of feel ‘shocked’ whenever things happen that ‘expose’ patterns that are clearly not ‘best’ or ‘supportive’. And I’ll be like, “but I thought…!!” Because I was sort of trusting the belief and assumption that at the end of the day, a relationship is supposed to be something ‘good’. Something of ‘love’, and ‘support’, and ‘care’ and ‘understanding’. I mean isn’t that always the starting point of it? And well, yes it is, cause that’s what we’re all ‘looking for’.

But the reality is that a relationship is more just an ‘extension’ of the mind. Because relationships are also just ‘designs’ and ‘programs’. Relationships, just like the mind, were specifically designed and programmed to ensure that beings stay locked into their mind. They’re programmed to trigger and generate the mind, and so in a way a relationship is also just another ‘mind’, or like an added ‘layer’. And, just like the mind, it’s here to ‘test you’, to see if you will ‘stand’ as a being, through it all. It’s just basically more programming to make absolutely, extra, extra sure that you never ever realize yourself as life in and as the physical.

And yet, when it comes to relationships, there’s this like belief that ‘oh no it’s something good’. That ‘to be in a relationship is something positive and good’. So not entirely recognizing that, ‘no, it’s just programming. There’s nothing ‘special’ about this. It’s programming and it’s basically just another thing for you to transcend and not be influenced by in any way whatsoever.’

I mean lol, it’s interesting this programming of like believing that ‘a relationship is the answer’. It seems so ‘sneaky’ in a way. It just sort of ‘sneaks in’ and goes unquestioned mostly, up until that moment when shit hits the proverbial fan and you’re all like, “but I thought…!!”, and you realize you should have known better. That you should be questioning EVERYTHING. Cause literally EVERYTHING in and of this world is specifically designed and programmed to MAKE SURE that you are and remain safely locked into the mind and never realize yourself as life in and as the physical.

How Honorable are you?

This is a continuation from my previous post "To Love is to be Limited"

And that's why relationships can't be based on 'love'. They have to be an 'agreement'. And an agreement is something you can only make with yourself. I mean, you can 'agree' on something with another person, but at the end of the day you are the one who decides whether it gets honored. So an 'agreement' is really just something wherein you prove how 'honorable' you are.

Where you prove whether you can stop your addictions that cause you to abuse other people and live in a way that is best. And it's in a relationship with another person, where you would live 'love' the most, that the real abusive nature of that 'love' will become apparent, and that you will abuse the most.

It's in a relationship with another person that you will REALLY see yourself - see the real abuse that you've been accepting in the name of 'love'. And where you will then have to make a choice, about 'who you are'. Because when you are standing face to face with you as the 'abuser', you realize that there really is no 'middle way'. You either STOP completely, and be honorable, or you continue lying to yourself and continue hiding the abuse under 'love'.

Because, if you can change yourself in that relationship with that one person, then you can live that change anywhere. Then you will truly have 'changed'. Cause self-change isn't some 'grand' thing that you show to the world. It's something that's actually only real within those closest, most intimate and personal relationships in your reality. Because that's where the 'real you' exists. And where the real you will be 'reflected'.