This is a continuation from my previous post "To Be Different"
To touch back on what I wrote about a few days ago, in terms
of the pain in my side and the associated ‘mind-point’ of defining myself as ‘different’.
I mean this point of being ‘different’ has in a way been a ‘polarity’ for me throughout
my life. In that I felt ‘different’ in a negative way for most of my early
childhood, into my teens. I had all these thoughts and beliefs in my mind about
myself being ‘good for nothing’, being a ‘failure’, being inferior and less
than everybody else. Feeling ‘different’ in terms of ‘less than everyone’. And
then into puberty and early adulthood I started to actually make a positive out
of the negative, developing a personality design out of being ‘different’ as
something that apparently made me ‘special’. Yeah it’s pretty weird, but that’s
what I did. And that’s what the mind does lol
Rather than being honest with myself about the fact that I
felt NEGATIVE, and so resolving those points within myself, so I don’t end up
lost in some illusion of ‘different as special’, where I now just become more
separated from the world I exist in. Cause when you start thinking that your ‘difference’
makes you ‘special’, or that ‘different’ means ‘special’, you’re in trouble
lol. Cause that means you won’t allow yourself to relate to other beings in a
normal way anymore since being ‘different’ is now what makes you feel good
about yourself. And it’ll be all the more difficult to get to that point of
realness with yourself again as you’ve decided you just don’t want to face the
negative within yourself anymore. The REAL reasons you think you’re ‘different’.
As in you’re not different cause you’re ‘special’, but because you’re a
disappointment, a failure, an inferior being.
And you’ll find that your mind will keep switching between
those two polarities as well. Where you’ll feel ‘different as special’ the one
moment, and then ‘different as inferior’ the next. And it’s hard to just be ‘stable’,
to just be ‘you’, and exist in a place of self-acceptance. Cause, in order to
get to that ‘you’, you need to actually face the negative and be honest with
yourself that how you REALLY feel and how you REALLY see yourself, is not ‘special’,
but rather ‘inferior’. And that if anything, you’ll find that as ‘special’ as
you experience yourself, you actually feel EQUALLY as inferior/less than. Cause
you’ve been COMPENSATING.
So I had a look at this whole point of ‘oh I’m such a
failure’ and ‘I’m so much less than everyone else’ that’s been there for so
long within me. Almost as long as I can remember. And I thought, well, I’ve
been fighting this point for so long and even created a separate personality
programming on top of it just so that I could feel a little better about myself
and could ignore and suppress these experiences and beliefs within myself. So,
let’s say that I am ‘inferior’, and a ‘failure’. You know, maybe I feel that
way for a reason. Maybe I feel that way because I AM a failure. And yes, yes,
in this world it’s almost bad to say those things about yourself. Because oh no
you mustn’t think like that about yourself. You must like yourself and think
positively about yourself and accept yourself no matter what. Surely you are
NOT a ‘failure’.
But I mean if I for a moment just take out the energy, as in
have it not be a pitiful ‘woe is me, I’m such a failure’, but just look at it
in a practical, down-to-earth kind of sense. Then yes I can actually
realistically conclude that the EXPERIENCE and the THOUGHTS of ‘I’m such a
failure’ were on some level based on an ACTUAL realization of myself being,
yes, a failure. As in I was ‘failing’ in a lot of areas of myself. A lot of
ways in which I was ‘lacking’. In my social skills for example. In my ability
to connect and relate to and work together and communicate with others. I was
also lacking in many other skills like math or languages and other things I was
being taught in school. Lots of things I wasn’t learning and integrating
properly. And yes that made me feel inferior and less than others and like I
was a failure. But at the same time, I WAS also failing.
But then instead of turning to myself and going ‘ok well let
me see how I can support myself to succeed within these points where I’m
failing’, I turned it into a pity-party by attaching a feeling/emotion to the
point of ‘failure’. Almost like I was trying to sabotage myself so I wouldn’t
simply learn and grow and improve myself. Cause that’s why ‘failure’ exists, to
simply show you where you need to be supporting yourself more and which parts
of yourself you’ve been neglecting or have not developed properly. But because
we’ve accepted this culture of emotional coddling where we’re allergic to seeing
our own flaws, accepting or considering ‘failure’ somehow becomes something ‘bad’
and ‘negative’ or even ‘hurtful’. Rather than just a reality which, just like
anything, is here for us to learn from and understand so we can change and
become the best version of ourselves.
