The road of the least resistance

This is a continuation of my previous blog post "It's All Already Here"


My relationship or rather reaction with the mind has always been conflictual. In that, I always REACT when anything comes up in terms of thoughts, emotions and feelings. And within that reaction I define myself within and as whatever it is that comes up, and also sort of make it worse.

So, I BATTLE the mind. And in a way I try to DOMINATE it. I try to suppress it and push it back/down. Because I believe that it is 'me'. And when, obviously with pretty much every thought and emotion/feeling that comes up, I see and realize that 'this is not my best potential', I go, "Noooooo!! This isn't the real me! This can't be the real me!!" And within that reaction of panic/fear, my reaction is to then fight back and try to suppress/dominate.

Rather than ACTUALLY realizing that 'this is not the real me'. Not within a reaction/judgment/fear. But a simple REALIZATION and UNDERSTANDING that, 'thoughts, emotions and feelings are not the real me'. And that, even though it seems 'intuitive' to resist, I actually must take the path of the least resistance. To allow these thoughts/emotions/feelings - whatever comes up - to move THROUGH me. Where I 'give way' to it. And I basically say "I'm not going to fight you". "No matter what you do, I will not resist you."

Maybe that is the living of forGIVEness. To have that 'give'. That bendability, flexibility, pliability. Of knowing that yes where I may bend and 'give way', I am never 'broken'. That I cannot 'break'. That no matter what happens, and no matter what I 'give way' to, no matter how 'overwhelming' and 'crushing' and 'threatening' it may appear, I will not actually disappear. That it may for a moment seem like I do when I don't put up that resistance and when I allow it to just sort of 'wash over me'. But I'll come out on the other side, with a greater connection to myself.

The way I have always lived is to actually take the road of the MOST resistance. To ALWAYS put up a fight. As a way of DEFENDING myself. Cause it's always felt like, if I don't, then that 'openness' and 'bendability'/flexibility/pliability will be 'dominated' and pushed down and suppressed. That there is ABUSE that will take place. And so that 'fighting' and 'resistance' has always felt like a very 'intuitive' response. A response of 'self-preservation'.

Because, there WAS abuse that took place. Yet, it was not understood as 'abuse' at the time. I did not 'stand' within me as a being, seeing and understanding and realizing what is going on in reality. Seeing and realizing how those beings in my life whom I trusted the most, were the most untrustworthy. Seeing and realizing how they existed within and as their mind, and seeing/realizing why they were who and how they were.

I rather 'trusted'. And then that trust was 'violated'. And then I felt 'violated'. Yet could never put my finger on why or how exactly I felt that way deep inside. Cause my 'self-preservation' response would not allow me to consider accessing that which had 'caused' me to become so 'violated' and that which would thus just make me go through the trauma all over again. I mean, how could I EVER, after what had happened to me, perceive who/how I was as flexible/pliable/bendable to be a 'good' thing?

Where rather, I should have realized that it wasn't that flexibility/pliability/bendability that was the problem. The problem was how it had been abused. It's the classic case of the trauma victim blaming themselves for what happened to them, while it's clear that obviously the abuse itself is the problem. BUT, a side that's also missed however, is how as a victim of trauma you are responsible. SO, how exactly are you as a trauma victim responsible for what happened to you??

What your reality was showing you, through the 'trauma', was things which you on a deep beingness level never wanted to take responsibility for. Things which you never wanted to realize or see or consider. Yet, things that do exist. You suffered at the hands of the things you were not willing to see, so that reality would show you how delusional you are.

Throughout my existence as a being, I tried to hold on to my 'innocence'. And would not consider 'abuse' to exist within me. Which, in a way, is 'cool'. But it also meant that I would not take responsibility for the abuse that DOES exist within reality. Thus, I would become a VICTIM of it, and so would in fact contribute to the cycle of abuse within existence. Because, even when abuse does not exist in and as you, you are still responsible for its existence. You're still responsible to DIRECT it. You can't just put blinders on and choose to just not see the things that happen to not exist in you. YOU have to still be a 'voice of change'. A voice of 'ENOUGH'.

Being a victim is NOT a solution, cause you're just allowing the abuse to still go on. You're just saying 'I'm not responsible'. But so what if you're 'not responsible'? How can you say that choosing to not see the things that are actually unacceptable isn't your part and responsibility in allowing those things to keep on existing? The abuse that happened to you, happened to you because you ALLOWED it to exist by saying 'I'm not responsible'. You never stood up as a being as a statement of 'THIS ENDS HERE'.

In a way you were the eternal 'child'. And never stepped into a point of 'maturity', where you are able to take responsibility for things that you aren't necessarily directly 'responsible for'. Where it doesn't even matter what is who's 'fault' per se, and who is doing what, because you stand as a point of 'responsibility' to direct it all. You are the 'parent' taking responsibility for reality. So no matter the abuse that exists, you consider yourself to be responsible to find effective ways to stop the abuse. You become the principle of what you will accept and allow within and as reality, and what is simply UNACCEPTABLE.

And if anything, it's those who most victimize themselves to the abuse, that need to stand up. Because it's us who are the ones that will not allow abuse to exist. We do not allow it to exist within and as ourselves, so why have we been accepting and allowing it within reality?? It's us who need to become the 'parent' and no longer just stand idly by, watching the abuse happen, believing that somehow we're doing 'enough' as long as we try to just hold on to our own innocence. Because if you do not stand up and say STOP, it will never stop. It will continue to be accepted and allowed, throughout cycles and cycles of it. Because you are not stepping in to say 'NO, THIS IS NOT OK' and you are not being the parent you are supposed to be. And not realizing that those who deliberately abuse, will not simply stop and change. They won't suddenly 'realize what they're doing' and realize they need to change. DIRECTION is needed within reality, and it's those who realize what is going on who need to find ways to stand as the DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE.




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Becoming aware of my ANGER

This is a continuation of my previous post "Living Balance"

Did I say anger? I meant HATE. Growing older, into more of an ‘aDULLt’, I’m not so much aware of it now actually – how I used to in fact HATE everything and everyone. I couldn’t STAND when people expressed themselves. I couldn’t STAND myself when I expressed myself. So I never expressed myself. And still don’t. But have long forgotten that I don’t express myself because of all this HATE within me.

The hate came out particularly nasty when I became a teenager. I became a little hateful, judgmental demon. And in my early adolescence it just became more and more compounded within me. The absolute HATE of EVERYONE. Just a ball of hate I was. An interesting thing then happened into early adulthood, in that I became more POSITIVE. And suppressed all the hate that was really there and had been there since almost the beginning. Suddenly I ‘care’ about people and about relationships and suddenly things are ‘positive’. Which has been the greatest deception ever because lo and behold, the HATE is still actually all there – just on dimensions and levels within myself that are hidden from my immediate awareness.

But that hate, actually originated within FEAR. From the fact that I was dealing with massive, intense and incredible amounts of fear within myself, which I didn’t know what to do with. Fear and disempowerment, a lot of it, on such deep levels. Hate was just a particular energy that seemed to allow me to take ALL that fear and disempowerment inside myself and sort of channel or compensate or transform it into something that I could ‘control’, in a way. Something I could direct like arrows and bullets, towards other people, and to myself. It made me feel like I had a sense of ‘power’, rather than just feeling disempowered and afraid all the time.

I mean obviously this is what then caused a great problem. This ‘illusion of power’.  This REACTING to fear with HATE, rather than RESPONDING to it with self-honesty. Since, HATE is now the manifested problem in this physical world and reality. HATE is the human condition. This desire to destroy and attack and abuse and diminish through real-hate-I-on-ships. This taking out our ‘frustrations’ onto one another. Because deep down we actually feel extremely fearful and diminished and disempowered and small but don’t know how to deal with our fears effectively so we take the ‘easy route’ into REACTIONS, like anger and hate.

While, what we should be doing is turning inward and just being real and honest with ourselves about what we’re ACTUALLY going through, no matter how overwhelming or lost or confused we may be feeling. Showing ourselves some LOVE lol. As in some attention and support and care, urging ourselves to open up about what’s going on inside instead of suppressing it all just cause we think it’s too much. Allowing ourselves to stand in and as the fear and the confusion and overwhelmedness. And saying to ourselves “it’s OK. I’m here. It’s alright that you’re going through this. We’ll find a way through.”

And to at least, when we do go into reactions of anger or hate, see them as flag points to urge ourselves to, instead of lashing out, look inward to the point of fear and disempowerment it’s originating from, to work on releasing the source of the problem and so actually live a solution, rather than living in suppression and making everything worse. Cause at the end of the day, even though it may seem like a ‘quick fix’ or a ‘quick route’ to ‘power’, and a way to ‘deal with’ fear and disempowerment, anger and hate is NOT a solution. We need to start taking the difficult route of self-honesty and self-responsibility. Cause we will literally self-destruct if we don’t.

The ONE person your mind is built around

I remember that I believe it was Jack who once said that your mind is essentially sort of built around just one person, and that if you can let go of the relationship with that one person then you'll essentially let go of your entire mind consciousness system. And that it won't be the person you'd suspect.

So when I looked into this point, I realized that there was actually someone when I was very young and in my first years of school. She was a nun who was in charge of the playground and the lunch room and the after school daycare sort of thing. And she was MEAN lol. Like she oftentimes seemed to just really enjoy punishing children and embarrassing them and she could just get so pissed and just mean. And I did have the feeling that she just didn't like me specifically very much. That there was something about me that she just 'didn't like' or maybe even 'couldnt stand'.

And that 'thing about me' from what I can tell looking back, was that I was kind of a very 'expressive' child. In that, when I got excited, I couldnt really contain my joy and excitement. I didn't have much 'boundaries' or 'shame' about me lol. And for her, being a nun, I can imagine why and how that particular expression wouldn't have sat well with her. As in I would have represented everything that she had learned to suppress within herself. In terms of for instance sexuality, having that freedom of self-expression, of expressing without boundaries and shame. Cause after all, isn't religion all about sexual suppression and just the suppression of your whole self underneath all these moralities and rules and beliefs and shit? Cause you're basically living for the afterlife and you're supposed to not actually live while you're actually alive, so that you can get into the afterlife... or something like that.

Anyways, even though at first glance she didn't seem to have played that big of a role in my life, since she wasn't really part of my 'primary' environment and relationships, she did actually imprint within me quite a bit. In that, I can see how it was in relation to her, and as a result of noticing her reactions to me, that I started to suppress that 'free and wild expression' and started to feel like I should feel ashamed about it and should not be expressing myself in that way.

And that I then, from that relationship, essentially developed an entire mind as personality designs around the 'suppression of my expression', which has been what my mind is essentially about. Like the sort of 'core design' of my mind system. The suppression of my self-expression, and most specifically related to sex and sexuality. Just a whole bunch of suppression lol.

In a way I even BECAME a 'nun' within myself, in terms of being just so sexually repressed and existing in so much shame about my sexuality and self-expression that I'd have issues expressing myself sexually at all, in terms of masturbation and sex. So it looks like I essentially copied and 'took on' that point that existed within her, of and as the 'suppression of self-expression'. And, not just 'suppression' but also 'punishment'. The 'punishment of self-suppression'.

So it's just interesting, this particular design of having this one person in your life, whom you're not even necessarily related to or have developed any particular relationship with, but who has basically primarily and almost single-handedly contributed to you developing a particular mind consciousness system and becoming something and someone that is like the farthest away from who you really are lol. I mean, go figure.

And an important question in all this is as well: How and why is it that I could go from being absolute freedom and boundlessness of expression to absolute suppression?? Like, what was it about that one relationship with that one person, where let's be honest I didn't even really create that much of a relationship with them, that could 'hook' into me to that extent that it would essentially make me abandon all of who I really am?

And I mean for me the point I'm seeing is 'fear' and 'authority'. In that I was pretty afraid of her and did perceive her to have quite the authority over me, and so did care about her 'opinion' of me since it was very much connected to my survival lol. Cause like, if she didn't like you, she could make your life hell. And I really didn't feel like getting humiliated in front of the entire school and having her wrath come down upon me like that. But then, maybe I should have just been OK with that, and should have just embraced it, placing who I really am first, before this fear of her 'authority'. And so expressing and being and honoring myself no matter what.

I mean clearly I just didn't care all that much about who I really am, or value myself all that much, if I so easily just suppressed myself, all for FEAR. I mean, what abandonment of myself. Which, in itself, was also already preprogrammed in a way in terms of the relationship to 'fear' that I had already come to develop even earlier on in my life. Don't you just love the mind??!

Give Me SEX!

This is a continuation of my previous post "Corona"

What’s the ONE THING that’s got us all by the balls? The one thing that’s our greatest secret and our greatest obsession. That’s got all our attention and all our focus, without us even being aware of it. The one thing we effectively LIVE FOR. And the one thing that makes sure we define ourselves within the mind, rather than being HERE.

Why is it that we seem to have such a hard time seeing SEX as ‘not a big deal’? Throughout human history there’s always been either a complete suppression of it, or an obsession with it. It’s never been just ‘whatever’. Cause at the end of the day that is what sex is and what the ‘placement’ of sex is, it’s ‘whatever’. Like sure it’s nice and yeah it allows you to make babies, but other than that it’s not all that ‘useful’. In terms of for example creating a world that’s best for all.

And yet we treat it as if it is the single most fascinating and important thing in the universe. As if it holds the key to EVERYTHING. Like on the one hand it’s so mysterious and hidden and secret and on the other hand at the same time it is everywhere, in everything we do. So surely it MUST be the key somehow to our very existence.

And it is in a way. But only in the way that we’ve been DUPED. That all this time, ‘sex’ has been programmed in and as the mind to be our single biggest distraction. Through this polarity of SUPPRESSION and OBSESSION. The polarity of on the one hand ‘no you can’t!’ and on the other hand ‘oh but you must!’. A polarity wherein we have never simply accepted sex to be just ‘here’. Just ‘normal’. Just ‘whatever’. Just sort of part of what’s here. And really, not all that special at all.

We’ve never seen it for what it is. A point of enjoyment and expression. But certainly not anything we should be making a big deal about. Cause have a look even at the experience of nervousness, of discomfort, at saying the word ‘sex’ or talking about anything related to it. All the reactions coming from this deeper programming of it within our mind. Look at the fact that we NEVER talk about it, but it’s what actually ‘stimulates’ our mind the most.

Sex has been the mind’s most effective way to ensure that we never truly focus on things that REALLY matter, as this world and reality, but that we remain slaves to energy inside the mind. Oh yes, we’ve been had. Cause I mean, what would it take for us to give up on our obsession with sex? Is humanity even ready to talk openly about it and to let go of that polarity around it? To accept it as just something that’s normal and start focusing on things that really matter in this world?

To Earn Your Freedom

This is a continuation from my previous post "There's Something Wrong Here..."

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.

Bernard Poolman

"To admit to yourself that there is a master you are serving." It's to bring the desires you've been holding on to, hiding and suppressing, 'here'. Be real about the fact that, yes, as long as 'who and how you are' is influenced and directed by these desires, you are a slave to it. So, you must stand in that self-honesty. Stand as the slave that you are and have allowed yourself to become.

As how things are right now, you are in the service of these desires. That's all that you are. And if you ever want to be any 'more' than that, you're going to have to start from 'where you're at'. How does a slave break free from its master? By being arrogant and thinking that he's better than a slave? Fat chance. That will just get you in trouble!

It's by keeping your head down, 'playing the system', and 'earning' your freedom. And in the meantime, yes, joining movements and putting in effort to - in a peaceful way - change 'slavery' altogether. Changing the greater system that's creating this 'slave-master' relationship.

But when it comes to changing that direct slave/master relationship, there has to be a humbleness. An 'accepting your place'. As a slave, you don't have any power to just stand up and say "fuck this, I'm outta here!" And, the more you fight, resist and struggle, the more you're going to be shown your place! So, you have to humble yourself 'before your master'. And say, "I will work hard and do what it takes to earn my freedom!"

Because, freedom is something you must be 'granted'. It's not something you can just take. When you try to 'take' it, there's going to be war. And in a way doing it that way is more like a laziness. You just don't want to put the work and effort in. You'll rather just react, act out, throw a tantrum, and expect reality to shape itself according to your wants and needs. With a lot of unnecessary suffering and consequences as a result.

Real freedom is something that you've worked hard for. Something you know you 'deserve' and have 'earned', because of the work that you've put in. Where you've walked a process to prove that you stand equal to your 'master' and that you have now mastered yourself.

Bringing the Darkness Here

This is a continuation of the previous post "I've been here before..."

Ever since deciding that 'I will face all that is here' it hasn't been an easy ride because, well, I am having to face EVERYTHING that I have been suppressing and pushing away underneath and behind 'positive illusions'.

In every moment it seems there is 'something' that I am trying to avoid looking at. I can tell because it literally seems like there is this 'dark spot' or more like a 'dark hole' somewhere deep within me. Where, it's not quite 'here' for me to see, but I can always tell. Because, you can't hide anything from yourself. You can try, but there is always a part of you that is 'painfully' aware of what you're trying to hide. This sense of 'darkness' that just sort of looms on the edges of your awareness.

When I notice that 'edge of darkness', no matter how subtle sometimes, I try to bring it 'here' so that I can really see exactly what it is I am trying to keep myself from seeing. There is lots of fear that comes up as well. Like a petrifying fear of "omg I am going to die!" lol But you don't actually. It just kind of feels like you are, since you're 'stepping into the darkness'.

'Bringing the darkness here' means to stand in and as it. To become it. To really fully embrace all of it, no matter how dark or painful, no matter how much fear comes up. To kind of stand in the point of, "alright, if I'm going to die, then so be it".

Sometimes it's even physically difficult to bring that darkness out of it's 'dark hole' and bring it 'here', where it feels like you've hidden it away physically, and it may actually take some kind of physical 'dying' just to be able to bring the point here. Sometimes it feels like my heart might stop, or I might throw up or something. Or I have to 'retch' it out of me, by physically 'retching' lol It's like I've decided on a deep physical level that this part of me is 'wrong' and therefore must always remain in suppression.

But when I then do stand in and as it, it doesn't feel as 'bad' anymore. Suddenly it actually feels more like I've just gotten closer to 'me'. And yes it may be dark but it's a deep knowing that 'I am home'.