When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing

 This is a continuation of my previous post "The Road of the Least Resistance"


This is one of those sort of 'tricky' points to really see or be aware of. So when you see them, you have to grab them with both hands and write them down and open them up immediately lol. Cause they'll slip through the cracks of your awareness just as fast and disappear. I mean it's something I've been living yet have not been aware of it whatsoever. Or rather did not see it for what it was, and did not question it.

And it occurred to me as I was reading through one of the lessons in DIP Lite. In particular this paragraph:

In this, choice plays an intricate role that those discerning with common sense will realize. The actual choice is a directive principle within self-realised common sense – by which, and as which, you stand and thus, become – and not waver/alter even one inch/refraction – but stand as it, by it, as yourself, until it is done. This is not ‘choice’ from a polarity-reality where choice exists within this reality of mind, defined by ‘options’ as ‘free will’. This choice is an absolute standing as emergence of self; here as all as one as equal as Life.

I asked myself, am I living this 'choice'? Have I truly made this 'choice' for myself? I always ASSUMED I had, because I am 'walking with Desteni' and I am 'applying self-forgiveness'. Yet, if I'm being honest, there is 'something' there. Some part of me where I am not entirely 'standing'. Where I still hold back. So I asked myself, 'why? What am I holding back for?' Not having made the ABSOLUTE UNWAVERING choice, but still somewhere somehow allowing a 'backdoor'. An opportunity and possibility to still 'abuse'. To still have the illusion of 'free choice' or 'free will'. An attitude of being 'non-committal'.

And essentially a habit of 'getting things my way'. A habit of, if I end up not liking something, then I don't have to do it anymore. It's definitely in a way having a 'weak constitution'. Allowing that 'weakness' and almost a point of 'cowardliness'. Like saying to myself "it's Ok to be weak and not follow through on something when it gets tough". So I always hold that backdoor open to myself, 'just for in case things get tough and I feel like retreating'.


And so I also tend to not throw myself into the action so to speak. Going ‘full throttle’. I’ll more sit back, stay ‘behind the scenes’. Going, ‘well, I’m still participating’, but I’m staying in the ‘middle-ground’, kind of having one foot in one world and one foot in the other. Not wanting to commit because, well if I commit ‘and it doesn’t work out’, then what?

And it’s fascinating how I’ve lived my life like that. Never committing to anything because of this mantra of ‘what if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be stuck?!’ I wanted to rather just hang out in the middle ground, keeping all my options open. So that I could choose what works out best for me when I want it. Believing that ‘all roads lead to Rome’. That if I don’t move and commit to walking one single road, I’ll have access to all roads and I will ‘have it all’. And this logic always seemed so intelligent. That, I’m just being smart about things. In a way it’s similar to trying to be a ‘Jack of all trades’. Trying to have my finger in every pot. So that, if one thing doesn’t work out, well then I still have all these other options. I don’t have to go under completely along with it.

But I never realized or considered that ‘commitment’ isn’t necessarily about ‘what I do’ as much as about ‘who I am’. Commitment is about DECIDING ‘who I am’, what I stand for, and clearly defining my SELF. It’s always been easy to be ‘non-committal’ about things in this world, like what job am I going to do, or what do I want to go and study or what hobbies do I want to pursue, cause it all seemed so ‘empty’ and ‘meaningless’ anyways. In a world where life is not honored in a systematic way, how can anything you do within that system have any worth?

And so my experience around the word ‘commitment’ had been defined within this experience of purposelessness. That, nothing means anything anyways so whatever you commit yourself to will be meaningless as well. And, I’ve hidden behind that belief. That at the end of the day, everything is meaningless anyways and it doesn’t matter what you commit to. And foregoing the fact that actually, there is a choice. And that, not making that deliberate CHOICE, still means you are choosing. If you don’t deliberately CHOOSE life, then you choose abuse. There is no ‘middle-ground’. It is all or nothing. It is simple. And to CHOOSE is to COMMIT. To be all in. No matter what. Come what may. To throw yourself into the action. To be on the forefront. To lead. And to be a ‘leading example’ of ‘what you stand for’ and ‘what you are committed to’.




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www.destonians.com
www.desteniiprocess.com
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Corona

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Don't Want to See!"

I see the corona virus within me, in terms of the points that I have been accepting and allowing and have been living that are my 'weak spots'. In terms of 'care'. I mean in fact care has been a very big theme throughout my life. Where, I have never cared for pretty much anything about myself. I did not care about my inner self, my outer self, or my environment. I did not 'take care', as in 'be attentive' of things. And I would more 'neglect' my reality.

Neglect within the way that I clean. Neglect within how I take care of things. Neglect within how I support myself. Neglect as in 'let slide'. As in 'not being on top of' things. But more turning a blind eye and just accepting and allowing things rather than being firm and directive and assertive with 'taking care of business' so to speak, on all levels.

Like I would allow myself to sleep in, even though I know that I don't need more sleep than six hours and it would be best for me to just get up after those six hours rather than continue to 'snooze'. I mean that is an aspect where I am not 'on top of' myself and my 'self-care', in terms of doing what's best for me.

And I have always just had that tendency to be 'lazy' pretty much. To let things slide, and 'let myself go' and just not be disciplined with myself. And so would neglect that point of self-care, of just having your affairs in order basically and not just letting your life go to waste. But to actually take it in both your hands and 'take care of it'. Putting in the effort to organize myself and my life in a way wherein I'm supporting my self-expression in this world and reality. I would just never sort of see the point or the purpose of it and would think that it's fine to just neglect myself and not place all that much value in my life.

And it's a point of 'giving up' on myself. Of not giving the best to myself. Not giving my utmost to myself. But rather going, "ah, I'm not worth all that much". And I've pretty much always just accepted this of myself. Thinking 'it's of no consequence'. Like what does it really matter if I don't care that much about myself.

Cause yes, care takes effort. It takes attention and attentiveness. Like when you take care of a baby. You have to always be there, always be ready, always be 'on the ball'. You can't be lazy, you can't postpone or procrastinate. Cause that baby is here and now and everything must be immediate. And you have to always be tuned into what it needs and wants, ready and willing to respond to all of it.

It has to be a COMMITMENT. One which you cannot abandon even for a second. It's the same with caring for yourself. It's exactly the same as caring for a baby. It takes that commitment and that decision of 'yes, I am doing this!' Realizing that it doesn't matter 'how you feel'. It doesn't matter if you 'don't feel like it'. Just like when you have that baby. The baby is here, and you have to take care of it because that is the decision and commitment you made by bringing this baby into the world. Feelings don't matter at that point. You have to see yourself as a newborn baby. And as a parent at the same time. Take care of yourself.

So care is just a commitment that you make with yourself. To take responsibility for yourself as you would with a baby. Consider yourself as that baby that's just been born into the world. It needs your attention and care. It is helpless on it's own and it needs something or someone to take care of it.

Cause yes I am quite helpless on my own. In fact that is very much how I have always experienced myself. As though I am truly just a helpless naked baby with no skills and ability to take care of itself. Something that just needs to be nurtured and held and fed and unconditionally loved. But I never understood 'care as commitment'.  I never understood that I must be my own parent and make that commitment with myself. Because I do have the ability to be both parent and baby. So I must be both, within and as me.

And it's quite the dichotomy. To be both these 'polarity extremes' at once. But actually it makes so much sense. Because I must stand within and as every point in existence, because every point in existence exists within me. So I am both child and parent. Both helpless and innocent, as well as powerful and responsible. I have to realize myself as both at the same time. All living words of and as me. All parts of me.

I can't go and think that 'because I am an adult now, therefore I am no longer a child'. It just doesn't work that way. I just end up suppressing the child within and as me, the fact that deep down I do just feel quite helpless and innocent and naked. And deep down I do have a need for care and attention and to be nurtured and taken care of.

I have to recognize that these are parts of me. And that they all equally exist within me. Being an adult doesn't mean that you are not a child. It's not one or the other. Even though that's what the mind would have you believe. Because in fact if you do not accept and embrace each part equally, you actually end up with 'nothing'. You end up with just confusion, because you're not accepting who and what you are. So you exist kind of in limbo.

Embrace each part fully as you, rather than thinking that you can only be one thing. Because one cannot exist without the other and so if you try to live only one thing, you end up living a 'half-life'. Always looking for your other half, as the part of you that you just haven't accepted.

And care exists within accepting that polarity within and as me. Within the 'parent-child' relationship within and as myself. Within recognizing that I am helpless and innocent and cannot take care of myself on the one hand, and being responsible on the other hand. It's within learning how to be a parent of the child that is me.

When it's Too Late

This is a continuation of my previous post "Life is about Greatness"

You don't want to be at that point of realizing that you've been replaced. It is the greatest, deepest pit of regret and shame you will ever find yourself in. To realize that you were given every opportunity, but you squandered it. Because, you chose to 'fuck around' in the mind. Because there was a point you were just not quite willing to let go of, just yet. Because you thought, "What's the harm in delaying things just a little bit more?"

Because you just did not push yourself hard enough to realize and recognize your own importance and relevance in life and existence. And now it is 'too late'. And there is nothing you can do. You do NOT want to be at the point of 'too late-ness'. To see all the ways you 'could have' and 'should have' been 'if only' you'd pushed yourself more. AND, to see who and how you 'could have been' lived by someone else. Someone who did push themselves. Someone who was more self-honest and principled than you were. Someone who 'stood' where you did not.

All you can do at that point is humble yourself before life and existence and hope that it's not ACTUALLY 'too late'. As in, that there is still a 'chance', a 'purpose' for you. And, I mean, if you can prove that you can 'stand', that you are committed and dedicated - then life will find a new position for you.

I've stood at that point. Of realizing I had been replaced. That my initial 'purpose' had been 'carried over' to someone else. Someone who simply turned out to be more self-honest. And let me tell you, it is quite the wake-up call lol

BUT what I have found is that now at least I 'know where I stand'. And that means that at least I have a 'starting point'. To start walking from 'where I'm at', rather than from where I feel or believe I'm at. And it's a point that 'keeps me real'. A point to remind me not to lose myself in delusions of grandeur, but to stay humble, and walk with my both feet on the ground.