The Self-Interest Demon

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Unwillingness to Give up on Something"

The self-interest demon is the 'who' and 'what' I really am. Like, underneath all the 'trying' to 'not be self-interested', I am in fact self-interest personified. And the self-interest demon, only cares about self-interest. Only cares about ENERGY. In fact, it IS pure energy. Always moving around. Sort of a 'catch me if you can'.

Something that sort of can't be 'contained' or 'told what to do'. Something that doesn't follow any 'rules' or structure in any way whatsoever. It JUST WANTS ENERGY. It doesn't care about what 'makes sense'. It doesn't care about your rules or beliefs or ideas or, god forbid, 'intentions'. It sort of 'can't be tamed'.

So, if you do want to 'tame it', you better be very smart about it. Cause it will SABOTAGE every attempt. You better fully understand what you're dealing with. And don't underestimate it. You better recognize, the full extent and existence of this thing.

And you might judge it, and try to deny it. Cause it's not a pretty sight. I mean it's a demon lol. An addiction. But the only way is by accepting it. Like accepting 'ok I guess this is me'. Sort of just being real with yourself about what's really going on. Which might not be what you might have believed about yourself.

Only from that point of acceptance can you start to sort of 'direct it'. Being 'fully aware' that the 'nature' of the self-interest demon is to exploit your every 'weakness'. Which is every little point wherein you're not standing one and equal with it. Points of judgment, suppression and self-delusion.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about this self interest demon within me

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide this self interest demon within myself, underneath beliefs about 'who I am' as positively charged self-delusions  - like the belief that 'I care' and 'I do what's best' and 'I have good intentions' and 'I am a responsible adult'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest and real with myself about the fact that 'deep down' I am actually addicted to ENERGY and I care about nothing else than to satisfy my wants, needs and desires for ENERGY

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the point of 'self-interest' within and as me is completely without principles, without 'morals', without 'rules', or 'self-awareness' or 'self-restraint' and so cannot in fact be 'trusted' -- but must be 'accepted' and 'directed', without judgment or reactions to it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the self-interest demon within and as me shows me my self-delusions - as it WILL NOT LISTEN to anything, unless I stand one and equal with it and direct it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the self-interest demon and stand one and equal with it - and to not make illusions about 'who I am', but rather accept and realize that this self-interest demon is the 'real me' as who and what I have become, as addicted to energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make illusions about 'who I am', within denial and judgment and suppression of the self-interest demon as 'who I really am' - just because I don't want to truly see and face the actual 'reality' of me -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in fact, the self-interest demon FEEDS off of this self-dishonesty as it uses and exploits my 'weaknesses' to generate energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the self-delusions in the mind as these positively charged beliefs I have of myself, which actually just serve to hide the self-interest demon - instead of being real with myself and accepting the self-interest demon as one and equal with and as myself and directing it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anytime I go into any positively charged self-delusions, I am only feeding the self-interest demon  - and that I need to simply accept and stand one and equal with it and be real with myself about how I actually exist 'deep down'

When and as I see myself accessing positively charged self-delusions in the mind, as beliefs about myself and 'who I am', then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that I'm just in denial of the reality of myself, which is that the 'who' and 'what' I have become and am existing as, is in fact a self-interest demon as an addiction to ENERGY

and I see, realize and understand that by going into these self-delusional self-beliefs, I am just feeding the self-interest demon as it feeds off of my 'weaknesses' as the points wherein I am simply not being honest and real with myself

and that I just need to accept and stand one and equal with this self-interest demon in and as me, so that I can practically, realistically direct it

I commit myself to be real with myself instead of creating illusions as beliefs in my mind about 'who I am' - and to accept the self-interest demon as the 'reality' of 'who' and 'what' I am and have become, and stand one and equal with it, and to direct it from the starting point of that oneness and equality -- actually grounding myself by being 'down-to-earth' and 'real' with myself about 'who' I actually am and what's actually required of me so I can direct me effectively in reality

Are you Highly Sensitive?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Get on Top of your Shit"

Something I am really starting to appreciate, and recognize the 'power' of, is the statement 'get real'. Just the point of, 'stop bullshitting yourself already!' That 'frankness'. Being 'frank' and 'speaking in plain terms'. No creating 'euphemisms', no beating around the bush, no fear of 'hurting my feelings'. Just being direct and saying it as it is.

Cause I'm starting to realize that I can actually handle A LOT more than I always believed. I'm not actually as 'sensitive' as I always thought. In fact, I'm actually pretty thick skinned. And I used to identify as a 'highly sensitive person'. Only now I'm realizing how much I was bullshitting myself with that lol. And that, really, I thoroughly ENJOY telling myself to 'get real!' Because, there's just a 'realness' to it. Like, it just makes me feel more 'real', more substantial.

Cause, that 'sensitivity' was actually in a way me saying that "I can't handle reality". That "I can't handle facing what's really going on in this world, in myself". And I actually remember that I had a real aversion to anything that was basically just 'bullshit'. Like, telling yourself that you're 'highly sensitive'. Or being overly 'positive'. I mean it was obvious bullshit and I could tell when people were just bullshitting themselves with it.

But then at some point I just started doing the same thing! But there was always that 'aversion' inside myself. And the more I 'bullshat' myself, as I grew older, the more I just actually couldn't stand myself. Cause, deep down, I still actually knew what I was doing. I remember the moment when I told myself I must be 'highly sensitive', as like a 'diagnosis', and the absolute loathing I felt with myself lol. Like I was turning myself over in my grave. Like thinking, "wow Kim, you're really taking the cake with this one".

Cause really, deep down I ALWAYS know what I'm doing. And I can tell when something is just bullshit that I'm telling myself. When I'm just participating in energy and personality programs, and not just simply being 'me'. And at this point obviously, at over 30 years old, the bullshit is EXTENSIVE lol. But that's why this point of 'getting real' has been such a breath of fresh air, and has been highly effective of just breaking all the bullshit down and getting back to 'me'.

Like, in the face of those things I've always believed myself to be 'too sensitive' for. In the face of fear, to just be like "come on, get real. You know this is not who you are". "You know you are not helpless. You know you can handle this, whatever it is. All this fear is just you bullshitting yourself about who you are. Pretending that you are 'less' than you really are. that you are this helpless victim when in fact, you are life itself. Get a grip!"

Love is Not the Answer

This is a continuation of my previous post "Why DIP is the Bees Knees"

I got so 'hung up' on 'love', because it seemed to me to be the only thing that made 'sense' in this world. To love someone so truly and deeply and genuinely heartfelt, that I would almost literally 'place them in my heart'.

Basically it was this point of seeing how absolutely horrible this reality is. Seeing all the awful and terrible things that we human beings do to each other. All the immense suffering that exists in this world and that humans go through. And so deciding that 'love must be the answer'. After all, it seemed to be the one 'positive' thing that I could see. The one thing I felt could 'make it all alright'. To simply love someone 'with all my heart', and to carry that 'love' in my heart.

Cause I figured there has to be 'something' to sort of make up for the absolute shit-hole I was born into. And so I found this 'feeling' of 'love'. A 'feeling' that seemed to at least 'feel' like a 'glue' that 'connects' people together. And with all the 'disconnection' and separation that I was witnessing within reality, this was the only thing that did 'make sense' to me. At least 'something' that creates 'connection' and 'togetherness'.

But I am realizing now that 'love' is, in fact, NOT the answer. That I've been duped. Or rather, have duped myself. Or that at the VERY least, 'love' needs some serious reassessment. That it should, first of all, mean that I cannot just ignore the reality that is ACTUALLY here. It can't be a point of 'compensation' or 'making up for' or worse, a 'coping mechanism'.

The REALITY is that there is no 'connection' in this world. There is no 'togetherness'. At least not among human beings. In nature, perhaps. Nature 'more or less' has a sort of 'balance' or 'harmony'. A 'unity', that is definitely not a 'lovey dovey' kind of connection, but there is an inherent sense of 'working together' in nature. A sort of understanding of 'we're all in this together' and 'we're all part of the same thing'. That's why nature is 'nature' lol And we are just 'the human being'. That which does not 'fit in' or 'work together' or 'exist alongside with' or 'is equal to' pretty much ANYTHING ELSE.

And, there is no 'love' in nature. Just the point of 'Hey, we're all just here. Together.' And they don't try to 'escape' reality, within positive feelings like 'love'. They ARE reality. So they are just themselves. Just sort of 'here', pretty much 'waiting' until us human beings get 'here'. Until we let go of our illusions like 'love' and just 'get real', and come to grasps with the fact that, yes, reality is SHIT. That's what's here. Don't try to make something 'positive' out of it. Don't try to look for it, it's not there. Just be real and we'll take it from there.

When it's Too Late

This is a continuation of my previous post "Life is about Greatness"

You don't want to be at that point of realizing that you've been replaced. It is the greatest, deepest pit of regret and shame you will ever find yourself in. To realize that you were given every opportunity, but you squandered it. Because, you chose to 'fuck around' in the mind. Because there was a point you were just not quite willing to let go of, just yet. Because you thought, "What's the harm in delaying things just a little bit more?"

Because you just did not push yourself hard enough to realize and recognize your own importance and relevance in life and existence. And now it is 'too late'. And there is nothing you can do. You do NOT want to be at the point of 'too late-ness'. To see all the ways you 'could have' and 'should have' been 'if only' you'd pushed yourself more. AND, to see who and how you 'could have been' lived by someone else. Someone who did push themselves. Someone who was more self-honest and principled than you were. Someone who 'stood' where you did not.

All you can do at that point is humble yourself before life and existence and hope that it's not ACTUALLY 'too late'. As in, that there is still a 'chance', a 'purpose' for you. And, I mean, if you can prove that you can 'stand', that you are committed and dedicated - then life will find a new position for you.

I've stood at that point. Of realizing I had been replaced. That my initial 'purpose' had been 'carried over' to someone else. Someone who simply turned out to be more self-honest. And let me tell you, it is quite the wake-up call lol

BUT what I have found is that now at least I 'know where I stand'. And that means that at least I have a 'starting point'. To start walking from 'where I'm at', rather than from where I feel or believe I'm at. And it's a point that 'keeps me real'. A point to remind me not to lose myself in delusions of grandeur, but to stay humble, and walk with my both feet on the ground.

Checking In with the Real You

This is a continuation of my previous post "The True Test is the Positive"

Let's talk about something exciting today - for a change lol

There was this post on facebook:

The first words I saw were 'me', 'connection' and 'miracle'. At first I thought "Pffft, this is stupid". But then I figured, well, everything is specific. And it may not be something 'magical' and 'profound', but it is 'specific'. As in, pertaining to 'where you're at'. Things are also specific in that they don't just show you 'where you're at' but also what you should maybe be realizing.

Those three words I picked out actually very much make sense when I look at 'where I'm at' right now. In that, even though I've had to face and realize some 'tough' things about myself recently, it's definitely brought about a 'new' point of connection that I'm experiencing, and it definitely feels like a 'miracle' to me lol

So let's do this again and let's see what comes up now. This time it's 'do', 'me' and 'miracle'. Or how about 'gratitude', 'alignment' and 'care'. Or 'strength', 'care' and 'power'. You can keep going but, the words you pick out will be specific. As in, they 'resonate' with you. You can even let your eyes glide over it and you'll see different words, but only the ones that are specific for you will really 'stand out'. Especially when you've already done it a few times, you already know where all the words are lol so you'll still 'see' all those words. Yet only the actual relevant and 'specific' ones will stand out.

Like I said, it's nothing magical or 'special'. But it does give you a chance to 'check in with yourself' in a way that's just fun and simplistic. Check in with the 'real you' so to speak. And what that real you wants you to know and become aware of.

Forcing yourself to Face what's Here

This post is a continuation of "What I must do as a Human Being on Earth"

These past few posts have been a bit 'hard to swallow' information. Some 'harsh truths' that I myself had been neglecting. And when you realize that you had been living in 'blissful ignorance', those 'harsh truths' feel like a bottomless pit that you have to 'dig out' to really face all the things you had been avoiding.

But with each point I found that, when I first realized it was something I had been avoiding, it seemed like I was staring down a massive black hole that would swallow me up if I dared plunge into it. Then as I forced myself to really face exactly what I had been avoiding to face for so long, it was painful. There was the kind of deep shame and regret that came up which seemed like it would be endless.

But I also found that, I'm still here. It didn't actually 'swallow me whole'. And I'm sure there will be lots more to face and plenty of painful things to realize and go through. At the end of the day all I have is the realization that, "Hey, I'm still here!"

There is a strength in that. To know that you can face reality. That you have the integrity to not look away. That you can stand through the storm no matter how heavy it is. I figure if there is one thing that I can make my 'legacy', if anything at all, then it would at least be this. It would be that I was at least honest enough to face all the shit that's here. That I at least faced and owned up to all the lies that I've been telling myself and that I was at least humble enough to do that small thing.

It may not be a glamorous or pleasant point to walk, but at least it will be real and at least I will have done something real. And if there is anything I can respect myself for, it will be that.