To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




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I'm the Best Slave

This is a continuation of my previous post "Things are Not Alright"

COMPARISON is like saying "oh I'm just a slave. And I'm just trying to be the best slave I can be, so therefore I compare myself to all the other slaves to try and figure out how to be a good slave". I mean, cause to be a 'creator' obviously there'd be no comparison. Cause you would stand alone. You would be 'unique'. Only a 'slave', something that doesn't 'exist' in and of itself and something that isn't the 'master' of it's own existence, would thus 'compare itself'.

And I've been coming to grips with the extent to which I have indeed accepted and allowed myself as a 'slave'. Truly doing nothing but compare myself with 'other people' from that starting point of 'I just want to know how to be and what to do so I can be good'. So I can 'fit in', and basically 'do my job' as a 'good slave'. And just how little I've ever really done anything that was 'self-directed', if anything at all.

Cause, when it comes to thoughts and feelings and emotions, I've never been like, "wait a minute... this isn't me!" I just accepted that, just because they're in a way 'already here', they must be me. They must be 'reality'. Accepting myself as 'the created', or 'the creation'. And, not even as 'creation' actually, because then at least I would realize the oneness and equality of everything in and as me. No, I am only 'the created'. A thing that has no self-power, no self-will or self-direction. A 'victim' of who- or whatever it is that might have 'created me', AND of that which I'm supposed to be as 'the created'.

So how does that 'slave', the 'created', something that doesn't in fact 'exist', become 'the creator' - become self-willed, self-aware and 'real'? That's where DIP comes in. I mean it literally walks you through that process of what it means to be truly 'self-aware'. Through a process of 'specificity'. And, there's really no other way. You have to get SPECIFIC with exactly HOW you are 'not real', and with what it means to be 'real'. Taking ownership of every little aspect of yourself.

And the 'mind of the slave' is like 'allergic' to specificity lol. And so will RESIST that process immensely. But, if you want to be 'real', it's just something you need to 'get over' and 'get used to' basically. Cause it's going to be there every step of the way. So, resistance is like your 'marker' in your process of becoming real.

Checking In with the Real You

This is a continuation of my previous post "The True Test is the Positive"

Let's talk about something exciting today - for a change lol

There was this post on facebook:

The first words I saw were 'me', 'connection' and 'miracle'. At first I thought "Pffft, this is stupid". But then I figured, well, everything is specific. And it may not be something 'magical' and 'profound', but it is 'specific'. As in, pertaining to 'where you're at'. Things are also specific in that they don't just show you 'where you're at' but also what you should maybe be realizing.

Those three words I picked out actually very much make sense when I look at 'where I'm at' right now. In that, even though I've had to face and realize some 'tough' things about myself recently, it's definitely brought about a 'new' point of connection that I'm experiencing, and it definitely feels like a 'miracle' to me lol

So let's do this again and let's see what comes up now. This time it's 'do', 'me' and 'miracle'. Or how about 'gratitude', 'alignment' and 'care'. Or 'strength', 'care' and 'power'. You can keep going but, the words you pick out will be specific. As in, they 'resonate' with you. You can even let your eyes glide over it and you'll see different words, but only the ones that are specific for you will really 'stand out'. Especially when you've already done it a few times, you already know where all the words are lol so you'll still 'see' all those words. Yet only the actual relevant and 'specific' ones will stand out.

Like I said, it's nothing magical or 'special'. But it does give you a chance to 'check in with yourself' in a way that's just fun and simplistic. Check in with the 'real you' so to speak. And what that real you wants you to know and become aware of.