To Accept Failure

This is a continuation from my previous post "To Be Different"

To touch back on what I wrote about a few days ago, in terms of the pain in my side and the associated ‘mind-point’ of defining myself as ‘different’. I mean this point of being ‘different’ has in a way been a ‘polarity’ for me throughout my life. In that I felt ‘different’ in a negative way for most of my early childhood, into my teens. I had all these thoughts and beliefs in my mind about myself being ‘good for nothing’, being a ‘failure’, being inferior and less than everybody else. Feeling ‘different’ in terms of ‘less than everyone’. And then into puberty and early adulthood I started to actually make a positive out of the negative, developing a personality design out of being ‘different’ as something that apparently made me ‘special’. Yeah it’s pretty weird, but that’s what I did. And that’s what the mind does lol

Rather than being honest with myself about the fact that I felt NEGATIVE, and so resolving those points within myself, so I don’t end up lost in some illusion of ‘different as special’, where I now just become more separated from the world I exist in. Cause when you start thinking that your ‘difference’ makes you ‘special’, or that ‘different’ means ‘special’, you’re in trouble lol. Cause that means you won’t allow yourself to relate to other beings in a normal way anymore since being ‘different’ is now what makes you feel good about yourself. And it’ll be all the more difficult to get to that point of realness with yourself again as you’ve decided you just don’t want to face the negative within yourself anymore. The REAL reasons you think you’re ‘different’. As in you’re not different cause you’re ‘special’, but because you’re a disappointment, a failure, an inferior being.

And you’ll find that your mind will keep switching between those two polarities as well. Where you’ll feel ‘different as special’ the one moment, and then ‘different as inferior’ the next. And it’s hard to just be ‘stable’, to just be ‘you’, and exist in a place of self-acceptance. Cause, in order to get to that ‘you’, you need to actually face the negative and be honest with yourself that how you REALLY feel and how you REALLY see yourself, is not ‘special’, but rather ‘inferior’. And that if anything, you’ll find that as ‘special’ as you experience yourself, you actually feel EQUALLY as inferior/less than. Cause you’ve been COMPENSATING.

So I had a look at this whole point of ‘oh I’m such a failure’ and ‘I’m so much less than everyone else’ that’s been there for so long within me. Almost as long as I can remember. And I thought, well, I’ve been fighting this point for so long and even created a separate personality programming on top of it just so that I could feel a little better about myself and could ignore and suppress these experiences and beliefs within myself. So, let’s say that I am ‘inferior’, and a ‘failure’. You know, maybe I feel that way for a reason. Maybe I feel that way because I AM a failure. And yes, yes, in this world it’s almost bad to say those things about yourself. Because oh no you mustn’t think like that about yourself. You must like yourself and think positively about yourself and accept yourself no matter what. Surely you are NOT a ‘failure’.

But I mean if I for a moment just take out the energy, as in have it not be a pitiful ‘woe is me, I’m such a failure’, but just look at it in a practical, down-to-earth kind of sense. Then yes I can actually realistically conclude that the EXPERIENCE and the THOUGHTS of ‘I’m such a failure’ were on some level based on an ACTUAL realization of myself being, yes, a failure. As in I was ‘failing’ in a lot of areas of myself. A lot of ways in which I was ‘lacking’. In my social skills for example. In my ability to connect and relate to and work together and communicate with others. I was also lacking in many other skills like math or languages and other things I was being taught in school. Lots of things I wasn’t learning and integrating properly. And yes that made me feel inferior and less than others and like I was a failure. But at the same time, I WAS also failing.

But then instead of turning to myself and going ‘ok well let me see how I can support myself to succeed within these points where I’m failing’, I turned it into a pity-party by attaching a feeling/emotion to the point of ‘failure’. Almost like I was trying to sabotage myself so I wouldn’t simply learn and grow and improve myself. Cause that’s why ‘failure’ exists, to simply show you where you need to be supporting yourself more and which parts of yourself you’ve been neglecting or have not developed properly. But because we’ve accepted this culture of emotional coddling where we’re allergic to seeing our own flaws, accepting or considering ‘failure’ somehow becomes something ‘bad’ and ‘negative’ or even ‘hurtful’. Rather than just a reality which, just like anything, is here for us to learn from and understand so we can change and become the best version of ourselves.

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To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




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Am I Being Laughed at?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Never Forget Your Programming"

So this is one of those ‘reoccurring’ patterns that actually rears its head only every so often, to basically remind me of what still exists within me. This pattern of ‘feeling laughed at’. Like when you can’t say for certain but you have this distinct feeling all of a sudden that people were talking about you in a ‘mocking’ kind of way, and where you were feeling ‘confident’ and comfortable with yourself, suddenly now you feel this pang of insecurity and uncertainty. And I’ve found that it’s tempting to then go and feel ‘hurt’ and then get angry at those that ‘made you feel insecure about yourself’.



But what I realized is that I’ve never actually really looked into this point further. Because, while I can go and feel like the victim, I also realize when I’m honest with myself that I myself do sometimes and at least have in the past participated in sometimes that ‘outright’ type of mockery that’s borderline ‘bullying’. The ‘laughing at’ someone ‘behind their back’ , typically in the context of a group of people. So rather than getting stuck in the reactions of victimization and blame, I can support myself to learn what exactly is going on within and as this programming.



When I look at ‘why’ I used to ‘laugh at’ and ‘mock’ others when I was younger, it was because I was seeing ‘weaknesses’ in them. And when I look at what I am being ‘laughed at’ and ‘mocked’ for, it is also my ‘weaknesses’. Those weaknesses that are visible. So when we laugh at each other, we are picking at each other’s weaknesses. Judging them, bullying them. Essentially saying, ‘you should not be having any weaknesses’. ‘It’s bad to have weaknesses’. And I suppose it’s those that don’t want to be honest with themselves about their own weaknesses that will then go and attack another for theirs  through mockery/bullying.



Cause we all have weaknesses and flaws. And we are equal in that. So if you are ‘mocking’ another for their weaknesses or if mockery influences you, then perhaps that’s just showing you that you’re not being honest with yourself or comfortable with your weaknesses, and with ‘weakness’ in general. And I mean I certainly have never been lol. And so obviously ‘being mocked’ was quite an ‘issue’ for me, as in quite a fear that I’ve always had. As I existed in so much suppression and denial, and judgment, of my own weaknesses.  As in all my fears and insecurities and anxieties and all the patterns I’m living as coping mechanisms or consequential outflows of those fears. Not being honest with myself that yes inside myself I am quite a fearful individual. Quite a ‘weak’ individual. And that yes because of that, I have ‘flaws’ that are ‘visible’ in my expression and behavior. Quite a few patterns that I live and have developed throughout my life wherein it shows that I’m not entirely ‘here’. Not entirely aware of my environment and maybe a bit gullible and kind of living in my own little world.



And in those moments where I feel and perceive I’m being ‘mocked’, I suddenly become aware of the visibility of these weaknesses that I am living, and of the fact that those weaknesses is something that isn’t necessarily ‘accepted’ in this world. Or rather not accepted by the mind. Or rather, that I have never accepted about myself. More seeing weaknesses as something that needs to be hidden and suppressed and never ever shown. That ‘other people MUST NOT EVER see my weaknesses’. In other words, people must not ever see the actual extent of fears that exist within me. Just how weak I actually feel and experience myself inside. MUST…KEEP…IT…TOGETHER!



So being laughed at and mocked has really only been an issue because I did not accept myself. I did not accept that yes I am ‘flawed’, and yes I have weaknesses. That any ‘strength’ or ‘confidence’ is really just pretence and suppression of what’s really going on. It’s a bubble that can easily be popped. And does get popped lol, every time I get ‘mocked’.




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Fighting for Righteousness

This is a continuation of my previous post "My Mind, My Savior"

A righteous warrior. It's a sort of self-deceptive starting point that tends to 'sneak in', with regards to walking process specifically. It's like a 'fighting for self-honesty' lol, because on some level you know you're actually self-dishonest. On some level there are things you don't actually want to be honest about, so you turn 'self-honesty' into a 'crusade'.

In a way it's been the starting point of these blogs I've been writing. Almost like a tendency to want to place my focus on 'all the things I'm doing' that 'prove' my 'righteousness', rather than focusing on ACTUALLY being SELF-honest. Focusing more on my SELF than the 'image' of me as 'righteous'.

It's like the crusaders who went out to do deeds and wage wars and perform quests in the name of spiritual righteousness. So they would be the ones to ALWAYS be 'right'. They could never be 'questioned' because they 'walk the path' the loudest and the brightest of all. Waging a 'holy war' with them being on the 'winning side'. The side of 'good'.

But it needs to be asked 'why?' Why the 'intensity'? Why the 'absoluteness'? Why the 'fight'? Why so loud? What are the things you're suppressing and are avoiding to look at? What are you 'fighting' to get away from?

Cause the real reason you're fighting is cause you feel 'small', inferior and insecure. And these are things about you that you're not 'accepting'. And so you fight like a wild animal, protecting and hiding your 'weaknesses'. Trying to convince others to 'respect' you, and not to 'mess with you'. Because you don't want those insecurities to be triggered and you don't want to have to face them. Cause you've on some level decided that this is a part of you that you just cannot transcend. Because in fact, you fear it so completely.