Working through my Resonant Design with QCK

One thing I've found QCK sessions, or my work with 'resonance', are useful for is FEAR. What I mean by that is that personally I'd say I am a very 'fearful' person, and I have never found a very effective way of dealing with those fears. I've tried many things growing up with all these intense experiences of anxiety, insecurity and nervousness that I'd so often go through, not to mention the thoughts accompanying those experiences! Oh the thoughts! lol Fear can really send your thoughts into a tailspin, and it's a rough ride when you're not able to assess what is purely your mind's imagination and what is reality. And that rabbit hole goes deep too. Meaning, the levels on which fear can have a hold on your perception of reality. It's just extensive. And so is the process you have to walk to sift through all those levels and ultimately get to a point of groundedness. And my process has been a loooong one.

What QCK has just supported me with is to discern what's 'my mind' from what's real. To learn and find out that even, and mostly, those experiences that 'felt so real' were actually not reality at all, but were just sort of 'remnants' or 'resonants'. My 'resonant design', made up of whatever memories I've stored in unconscious ways that are now distinctively 'resonating' through my mind in the form of 'experiences'.  That all might sound a bit complicated, but it's to say that you end up taking so many things about how you see and perceive the world and how you experience yourself for granted, because most of it is, well, just not real. And the key is to find the memories that are anchored and stored away and are busy resonating. Cause if you don't, you're always sort of wandering in the dark inside your own mind, in all of these experiences, just trying to find a slice of the 'real you'.

And it took me long enough, but as I mentioned in my previous post, being pregnant has urged me to start using QCK to take on every point inside myself I could see I was stuck on. And that wasn't in the least because just the whole physical sensation of being pregnant and whatever that does to the body (especially in the beginning!) seemed to amplify and magnify many of my mental/emotional patterns (especially the extremely uncomfortable ones). Aside from that, there was also my resolve - with realizing I am becoming a PARENT! - that 'all this ends with me'. I may have been allowing all of this uncomfortable stuff inside myself for way too long, but I will not saddle a child, my child, with it too. 

It really only took a few good, deep sessions with myself to find a way and clear a path for myself through things I've been stuck in within my mind for what seems like forever. At least most of my life. So many experiences I took for granted, believed to be real, and allowed myself to suffer through for so long, now just 'debunked' and cleared up in the span of maybe a few weeks. And for someone who has a 'fearful mind', I couldn't be more grateful that for the first time I was able to understand the mechanics of it all, instead of being swept away by the currents of fear resonating from the depths of my unconscious. I could give things a place and place myself into perspective. No longer thinking 'there's something grievously wrong with me', which is what you often end up feeling and believing when you suffer from massive anxiety and panic-attacks. The solution to all these things was now just a session away, and it's been glorious.

If you're at all curious about QCK and you feel like it might support you, don't hesitate to reach out to kim_amourette@hotmail.com. I'm also on Facebook if you feel more comfortable sending me a message there. Dealing with anxiety is tough, and if I can in any way be a point of support in that journey, through QCK, and working with others the way I've worked with myself, then I am here.

Kim Amourette

I'd like to go back now please

 

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Support"

 I've noticed an interesting point or 'program' come up lately. Alongside this process I've been walking of sort of sinking deeper and deeper into the nitty gritty of reality. The real deal, and really coming to grips with the severity of the issues in existence as myself.

There is this point, as almost this belief that 'oh I could just go back to being completely ignorant and suppressed and blissfully unaware of what's really going on if I wanted to'. Like a 'back-door' or a 'fail-safe' in the mind. As if I have a choice. I mean obviously I do always have a choice, whether to 'face the music' of and as reality, or whether to pretend to be blind and unaware. You do always have the choice to 'go back' and choose the mind and pretend that process isn't real, and all the things you've realized and seen and walked were 'just a dream' in a way. And that what's real is the mind, where things feel cozy and comfortable and there's not a cloud in the sky.

And in a way so far my process has been 'easy'. Walking the conscious mind, the subconscious mind has been 'easy'. But it's with walking the unconscious mind, or the quantum physical, or whatever it is that I've been walking more recently, that things have been more 'tough'. And that I've come to understand as well that this is not going to be a 'walk in the park'. And that there is a lot of pain and suffering within existence, a lot of deep separation and a lot of 'challenges' ahead.

So anyways I've just been noticing this very 'subtle' experience or sneaky little thought sitting there way in the back of my mind. Which also seems specific to my mind perhaps, in terms of how I've always lived in total disconnection. Never quite grasping the seriousness or 'realness' of my actions, and the fact that every action has a consequence. Many times within my process, the main reason why I kept 'falling' back into specific experiences and create timeloop after timeloop, was this sneaky little thought of 'oh whats the harm'. Not realizing or recognizing the seriousness of process. Not having my feet on the ground. And almost believing that at the end of the day, 'nothing really matters'. Not really believing in 'consequences'. Because in the mind, there is no such thing as 'consequences'. Energy as emotions and feelings operates on the very 'principle' that you can 'lose yourself' and there will be no consequences. That 'it's fine' to lose yourself in this feeling/emotion/energy. While, reality is like the opposite of that lol. EVERYTHING has consequences. And that can be a tough pill to swallow when you come from lala-land as all the numerous delusions in the mind and are used to believing you can get away with anything.

But I did realize that how this sneaky little bastard of a thought is specific to my mind, is that it is just based on FEAR. And that fear is also coming from the mind as some sort of self-protection mechanism. Where the mind will be like 'oh no! You don't want to become aware of reality! You don't want to walk that process! It will be horrible!' lol. And then it will come in with that sneaky thought of 'you can always go baaaack...' as the point of 'comfort'. The 'looking for comfort from my fear'. Instead of simply realizing the fear, realizing it's not real, and just continue walking.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

 

Tourettes

This is a continuation of my previous post "You're a Fucking Bitch"

Looking back on my life in general, there were many moments, many memories I have, wherein I seemed to deliberately place myself in situations that just caused me greater stress and anxiety and emotional inner conflict than I was already experiencing. Where I was for instance doing things because of some belief or idea in my mind of ‘oh this is what I’m supposed to be doing’ and completely ignored the fact that what I was doing was making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Like there was just a complete disregard for my own feelings and inner experiences and on top of that as well a tendency to almost deliberately make myself feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Like a bullying of myself in a way.

In fact most of the things I did, in terms of the people I chose to hang out with and the activities we participated in, actually made me feel very anxious. And if I had listened to myself and done what was best for me, I simply would not have chosen  those friends/activities. Yet, I did all of it because I believed it’s what I wanted. It’s only now, being more aware of who I am in my mind, that I am realizing and seeing that I was living this programming of being harmful towards myself – in terms of basically rather than doing what made me feel good, comfortable and pleasant, I did that which made me feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, ashamed and conflicted within myself. And I felt good about that! Lol

And then I’d also sometimes ended up blaming other people for judging me, instead of realizing that I placed myself in that situation to begin with, kind of throwing myself to the vultures, being vulnerable to be judged. Because sure, judgment is a thing. People judge. And yes if you’re going to behave and express yourself in a certain way, people are going to judge you in a certain way. So it’s almost like I deliberately did things that would cause others as well as myself to judge me, so that I could then go and feel ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed within myself, over and over and over again.

It’s kind of similar to people who have Tourettes. You see them reacting immediately to their own behavior and expression with shame, guilt and embarrassment. But it’s like they can’t help themselves. There’s something inside of them that needs/wants to do it. It’s that addiction to ‘self-harm’. Something inside them that yes, DELIBERATELY, places them in situations wherein they WILL end up feeling bad about themselves in some way.

So why do this? What’s going on here? What I traced it back to within myself  is this sort of attachment to ‘relationships’. Or rather, a more intense one than within your average human. A more intense sense of ‘I just want to be friends’ or ‘I want you to like me’. It’s kind of a ‘relationship demon’. And it’s interesting because ‘relationships’ actually means self-compromise. Cause the more you want or try to create relationships with others, the more you’re willing to not be yourself just so you can please others. It’s a form of self-abuse. Cause you’re just not considering yourself in any way whatsoever, as you’ll do anything just to be ‘liked by others’.

And I mean me personally have never been able to imagine NOT having this desire for relationships. To be able to ‘just be myself’ when I’m around other people. Also the concept of ‘agreements’ was always something unfathomable to me. Only now are my eyes starting to open to the possibilities of existing beyond this ‘relationship preprogramming’. To consider that it’s possible to be ‘together’ with another person, yet not in a ‘relationship’, but in an ‘agreement’. And for me to honor my relationship with myself instead.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

The Internal War of Manipulation

This is a continuation of my previous post "I don't Understand it, therefore it isn't Real"


If I had a 'middle name', it would probably be something like 'inner turmoil' lol. Just feeling kind of 'trapped' and 'lost' in my own inner 'experiences'. And I always assumed it must be because maybe I just 'don't love myself' or maybe even 'hate myself', because lots of these inner experiences were quite emotionally charged. Lots of despair, sadness, depression, lostness, powerlessness, resistance and so on.

And as a result I just overall didn't seem like a very 'stable' kind of person. Being prone to making decisions I'd later regret or feel ashamed about, easily feeling 'overwhelmed' by 'how I FEEL' and going into high ups and downs of feelings and emotions. I suppose you could also call it 'not having a backbone', being 'spineless', 'not having character'. But what it is, is basically living according to feelings and emotions, rather than living based on principles and common sense.

And that's something that goes back all the way to childhood. How I was 'raised' and how I learned to 'be' by example of my parents. My parents were people who didn't actually communicate much. Not with words anyways lol. They 'communicated' through emotions and feelings. And that's something that went back all the way to their childhood as well. Where, they never learned how to EXPRESS themselves. How to communicate who they are and what they want, through WORDS. Because their parents also didn't provide the space for it. It was more a type of 'be quiet and just do what you're told' kind of upbringing. So when you cannot express yourself in WORDS, you tend to find different ways of expressing yourself - of 'communicating' with your environment in a way that may more or less get you the things you want.

You learn to get what you want without being direct and straightforward about it. It's called 'manipulation' lol. And that's where your emotions and feelings come in. They come in when you realize as a child that the main motivating factor behind your parents' decisions, is their feelings and emotions. Where they place a lot of trust in how they FEEL. They don't necessarily care about 'what's best' and they don't necessarily 'feel like' investigating or asking themselves what would be the best thing to do for the child. Doesn't mean they're 'bad' either! It just means that when it comes to making decisions, there isn't much 'self-questioning' involved. More an acceptance that, 'if it feels right, it must be right'.

So you realize that your parents don't actually listen to the words that you speak. They only 'listen' to your emotions and feelings. It seems to be the only thing they really respond to. So, if you want to get anything from them, it means you need to know how to 'push the right buttons'. You need to become proficient in the art of manipulating through emotions and feelings. Emotions and feelings needs to become your 'primary language'. Becoming 'sensitive' to how people respond within their mind to whatever emotion or feeling you are displaying. And as a child, you are very good at it. It almost literally feels like you are 'pushing buttons'. Because, well, that's what you're doing and that's WHY you're doing it. Why you're using emotions and feelings.

The 'problem' comes in when you yourself grow up into 'adulthood'. Because the mind does a fascinating thing where it creates these 'layers'. That's why when you think back on your childhood, you see the memories more like you're watching a movie. There's a separation there. Why the 'adult you' feels so different and disconnected from the 'child you'. And why, if you were to look at these different 'stages' or 'phases' of your life, it's almost as though they exist in total isolation from each other. As though your 'growing up' almost happened at the flick of a switch. Like, *flicks switch*, 'oh you're in puberty now', *flicks switch*, 'oh now you're an adult'. And your memories of 'back when you were a teenager' almost feel like you're talking about a person that isn't 'you'. Let alone when you think back on 'when you were a child'.

So you tend to 'forget' that way back when you were a child, 'emotions' and 'feelings' wasn't something that 'just came naturally'. That you haven't always been this way. That these emotions and feelings inside you are more a consequence of poor 'child-rearing' that goes back generations. Where, somewhere along the line, maybe people went through something really traumatic, like war for example, which creates a real PHYSICAL instability, lostness and chaos. And something like that can have a great impact on the internal experience of a person. Of just people becoming more intensely afraid, emotional and reactive. I mean, war changes people. It causes people to become more isolated within themselves, more 'withdrawn'. They just don't feel 'safe' anymore to live and relax and express.

I mean, I can see how that can lead to a diminishment in actual verbal communication, and would cultivate a more emotionally reactive human. If I'd have to try and 'trace back' where this misalignment in raising children more based on feelings and emotions rather than principles and common sense may have occurred. And why it is perhaps that my parents, and their parents before them, are not used to communicating much and are rather more withdrawn, shy and reserved.

In a sense I guess you could even say that 'emotional manipulation' is a consequence and result of 'war', just like how FBI/CIA type operations are also a result of war. Where things become more 'covert', more 'hidden'. Within 'Central Intelligence Agencies', that are designed to essentially 'manipulate'. Because people are so traumatized by war that they become 'introverted' or 'inverted'. They hide things, cause they don't feel 'safe' anymore. There's no more openness, no more freedom and no more trust. And so we all end up manipulating each other. We all learn to hide and not trust each other. Because there's no 'open communication'.

So I mean, we were fucked from the start. We never stood a chance. Maybe at some point in this world, human beings raised their children based on principles and common sense. But war and trauma over time have eroded that. Where now, all you are born into is manipulation as emotions and feelings. And maybe there are still beings in this world who do raise their children through open communication, common sense and principles. But I'd say that war has influenced my generational lineage and has in a way 'broken' us as humans. And so I grew up knowing ONLY manipulation as emotions and feelings. And never even considered that there could be another way.

I was STILL, in my life, living out the war that my ancestors went through, as experiences of instability, lostness and chaos. Living out an 'internal war' of feeling destabilized and lost within emotions and feelings. Never realizing or seeing or understanding that this whole 'I don't accept myself' or 'I don't love myself' is more just a problem of defining myself according to emotions and feelings, than having to do with actual self-acceptance or self-love. And more importantly, it's a consequence of having FORGOTTEN that all these emotions and feelings inside of me are things I just cultivated when I was little to try and speak my parents' language so that I could get what I wanted from them. I just went into 'forgetfulness' and at some point started believing that it is 'me'. Just like my parents did I guess.

The Capitalist Mind-Set

This is a continuation of my previous blog "Moving at the Speed of Light"

What you allow yourself to do onto another is what you allow within yourself. It's a little considered principle but it's essentially how you create your reality and your experience within and of your reality. What are the emotions and the thoughts that you allow towards those around you? In which ways are you disregarding, neglecting or not considering the effects on those around you, of even the slightest reactions you allow within you?

Heaven is created through how you live for others. And hell is created in the same way. The things you ALLOW to be done onto others, through your unawareness of your own actions, are the things you create for yourself. Do you have a tendency to wear your emotions 'on your sleeve'? Where it's just you and 'how you're feeling' inside yourself, everyone else be damned?

I mean there's nothing wrong with being honest with yourself about what you're going through. However it's this sort of 'self-interested' mind-set, the 'capitalist' mind-set of 'all that matters is what I want, need and desire' and 'I am an island', and the ways in which you therein don't consider those around you, that makes you poison your reality.

Because, your reality isn't in fact 'just you'. You aren't in fact 'an island'. Your reality consists of you, and everybody else in it. So if you're not considering those in your reality as equal to you, you're just going to end up experiencing exactly what you're creating. But you won't even be aware that you're creating it, cause you haven't been aware of this connection between you and those around you. And that if you're asking 'why is this happening to me?!!', all you need to do is have a look at what you're doing - or not doing - to or for those around you.

Cause a heaven on earth is going to have to include all of us. And it's going to require us to start considering each other, and step out of the 'capitalist mind-set' of 'I am an island'. And place ourselves in each other's shoes and live not just for ourselves.