The ONE person your mind is built around

I remember that I believe it was Jack who once said that your mind is essentially sort of built around just one person, and that if you can let go of the relationship with that one person then you'll essentially let go of your entire mind consciousness system. And that it won't be the person you'd suspect.

So when I looked into this point, I realized that there was actually someone when I was very young and in my first years of school. She was a nun who was in charge of the playground and the lunch room and the after school daycare sort of thing. And she was MEAN lol. Like she oftentimes seemed to just really enjoy punishing children and embarrassing them and she could just get so pissed and just mean. And I did have the feeling that she just didn't like me specifically very much. That there was something about me that she just 'didn't like' or maybe even 'couldnt stand'.

And that 'thing about me' from what I can tell looking back, was that I was kind of a very 'expressive' child. In that, when I got excited, I couldnt really contain my joy and excitement. I didn't have much 'boundaries' or 'shame' about me lol. And for her, being a nun, I can imagine why and how that particular expression wouldn't have sat well with her. As in I would have represented everything that she had learned to suppress within herself. In terms of for instance sexuality, having that freedom of self-expression, of expressing without boundaries and shame. Cause after all, isn't religion all about sexual suppression and just the suppression of your whole self underneath all these moralities and rules and beliefs and shit? Cause you're basically living for the afterlife and you're supposed to not actually live while you're actually alive, so that you can get into the afterlife... or something like that.

Anyways, even though at first glance she didn't seem to have played that big of a role in my life, since she wasn't really part of my 'primary' environment and relationships, she did actually imprint within me quite a bit. In that, I can see how it was in relation to her, and as a result of noticing her reactions to me, that I started to suppress that 'free and wild expression' and started to feel like I should feel ashamed about it and should not be expressing myself in that way.

And that I then, from that relationship, essentially developed an entire mind as personality designs around the 'suppression of my expression', which has been what my mind is essentially about. Like the sort of 'core design' of my mind system. The suppression of my self-expression, and most specifically related to sex and sexuality. Just a whole bunch of suppression lol.

In a way I even BECAME a 'nun' within myself, in terms of being just so sexually repressed and existing in so much shame about my sexuality and self-expression that I'd have issues expressing myself sexually at all, in terms of masturbation and sex. So it looks like I essentially copied and 'took on' that point that existed within her, of and as the 'suppression of self-expression'. And, not just 'suppression' but also 'punishment'. The 'punishment of self-suppression'.

So it's just interesting, this particular design of having this one person in your life, whom you're not even necessarily related to or have developed any particular relationship with, but who has basically primarily and almost single-handedly contributed to you developing a particular mind consciousness system and becoming something and someone that is like the farthest away from who you really are lol. I mean, go figure.

And an important question in all this is as well: How and why is it that I could go from being absolute freedom and boundlessness of expression to absolute suppression?? Like, what was it about that one relationship with that one person, where let's be honest I didn't even really create that much of a relationship with them, that could 'hook' into me to that extent that it would essentially make me abandon all of who I really am?

And I mean for me the point I'm seeing is 'fear' and 'authority'. In that I was pretty afraid of her and did perceive her to have quite the authority over me, and so did care about her 'opinion' of me since it was very much connected to my survival lol. Cause like, if she didn't like you, she could make your life hell. And I really didn't feel like getting humiliated in front of the entire school and having her wrath come down upon me like that. But then, maybe I should have just been OK with that, and should have just embraced it, placing who I really am first, before this fear of her 'authority'. And so expressing and being and honoring myself no matter what.

I mean clearly I just didn't care all that much about who I really am, or value myself all that much, if I so easily just suppressed myself, all for FEAR. I mean, what abandonment of myself. Which, in itself, was also already preprogrammed in a way in terms of the relationship to 'fear' that I had already come to develop even earlier on in my life. Don't you just love the mind??!

I Can't Do This

This is a continuation of my previous post "Who am I as a COACH?"

I’ve come to realize that there is this programming within my mind of believing and perceiving myself to be disempowered in relation to the mind. That I am just unable and incapable of really moving and directing and changing particular points, that ‘I just can’t do it’. That when it comes to fears and emotions, but mostly the thoughts connected with them, I feel quite disempowered and incapable.

And it seems that mostly what my problem is and has been, is that I kind of expect myself to ‘easily’ transcend or ‘let go’ of these sort of mind points, and then I get frustrated with myself and go into a ‘giving up’ and a sort of ‘laziness’ when it doesn’t seem to be that easy, telling myself that ‘I guess I just can’t do it’. When there is ‘something else’ blocking me and getting in my way, as this ‘wall’ that I keep bumping into. Something that seems to be a bit more ‘stubborn’ or more ‘ingrained’ within me in some way.

A ‘deeper design’ which, if I’m honest with myself, I’ve actually for the most part been suppressing and hiding from myself. So this ‘I can’t do this’-programming is more a consequence of my expectation to sort of be ‘perfect’. Not really recognizing or realizing that when it comes to the mind, sometimes it just takes a little bit of a process to sort of ‘unearth’ a programming. To really understand it in a way that supports me to actually transcend it. I mean especially when it comes to these kind of things that I’ve been suppressing my entire life. Stuff that exist on an unconscious or deeper level.

Cause the thing is, that when I go into this ‘I can’t do this’-programming, I end up going into and developing coping mechanisms wherein I try to escape and hide from all the fears and the thoughts and the experiences that I now believe I cannot change or transcend and am disempowered by. And that’s where I REALLY make myself stagnate and become ‘stuck’.

While, the solution is really just a simple ‘shift’ in perspective. From EXPECTING myself to ‘just transcend the points already’ and ‘be perfect’, to TRUSTING that, with the proper tools – like self-forgiveness and living words – I can do it. It may not be immediate and it may take me a bit of time to really investigate and understand and find the point of ‘direction’, but as long as I apply myself and apply my tools, I will get there.

AND to also be careful to not allow myself to go into those coping mechanisms, and be more aware of when and how I have a tendency to go into them as that’s the real trap of disempowerment. And be more aware of, when the coping mechanisms do come up, where they’re actually coming from as the ‘I can’t do this’-programming, and correct myself in those moments – moving from EXPECTATION to SELF-TRUST.

Who am I as a COACH?

This is a continuation of my previous blog "The Origin of Stupidity"

With having a look today at the word ‘coach’, as in being a ‘life coach’ or in my case a ‘SELF coach’, what initially came up for me is that to be a coach is to assist and support other people with living words and basically like ‘setting goals’ and reaching those goals. But then I realized, with the support of life coach Joe Kou and Maite Zamora Moreno from Space of Grace, that I was missing the most important factor within that definition: me.

And it’s a theme within my life, in how I define and approach things. That I tend to disregard myself within things and more look at who and what and how I must be for ‘other people’ and ‘the world out there’. That I for example don’t take a word like ‘coach’ and ask myself how I can live the word FOR ME. Not for others, but for and as me.

Only when I considered this, and looked at the word again, did I realize that actually how I want to live the word COACH is within simply creating and holding a ‘space’ for myself, and others as myself, to RELAX. To unconditionally be able to let go of everything of this world. Everything of what and who and how you believe you ‘have to’ be, and have, if even just one moment to just let it all go and relax and connect with yourself. Cause at the end of the day that is what actually matters. That’s what’s really important and that’s essentially what my coaching is all about anyways. To be who you really are, which starts with letting go of everything that you’re not. With relaxing and letting go and having that ‘space’ or ‘safe haven’ to just ‘be’.

That definition makes a lot more sense to me, and includes what I actually stand for and who I am and what’s important to me, and what I thus also want to ‘transfer’ or support others with, similarly to how I’m supporting myself with it. As I also realized that I must be my own coach first and foremost. Give myself that space to unconditionally relax and let go of everything that is of the ‘system’. All the fears and stress and worries and ‘have to’s’ and expectations and obligations. Give myself just moments of allowing myself to just ‘be’, and connect with who I really am inside. Moments which will over time accumulate and build into eventually being able to always just ‘be’, and be constantly ‘relaxed’.

So I guess in a way to be a ‘coach’ is like being a ‘couch’. A place where you can sit down for a moment, get comfortable, relax, sink into it, let go, have just that moment of relaxation and knowing that ‘everything is alright’ and it’s safe to just get comfortable and let go. Or even also like ‘flying coach’, in terms of just focusing on the ‘basics’, and not bothering with all the ‘excess’ stuff within and of the mind. Like all the thoughts and stress and fears and worries, etcetera. But just getting down to the ‘basics’ of who you actually really are underneath it all, when you let go of everything you believe you have to be.

The Origin of Stupidity

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Power of FORGIVENESS"

I’ve always had issues with ‘comprehension’. Always felt like I need a lot more time than other people to really process information and come to conclusions and understand things. Conversations always feel as though they move too fast for me and as though I don’t have enough time to think to answer questions or respond to people. Most of the time I just feel very pressured to ‘keep up’ and basically not let it show that my brain just doesn’t work as fast as other people’s does, and that I’m a bit ‘slower’.

And so because I’m always trying my best to just ‘keep up’ with the ‘game’, I just never gave myself the time that I actually need to process things, to understand things, to develop my own insights and ‘opinions’. To have my own point of view and make up my mind about things. Mostly because I always judged myself for being ‘slow’ and ‘not being intelligent’. For being ‘stupid’. Which thus only just ended up keeping me ‘stupid’.

This judgment I copied from my mother who judged her mother, who was actually just like me. Or me just like her. In that she also seemed somewhat ‘slower’ in her comprehension skills. Not quite as ‘on the ball’ within conversations  and more ‘stuck’ within limited belief systems and ways of perceiving things, and kind of ‘oblivious’. She seemed apparently a bit more ‘stupid’ than most people. And that’s how I always perceived it as well. Dismissing my grandmother’s expression  as ‘oh, she’s just kinda stupid’, and then existing in fear of being perceived and judged and dismissed in the same way, because I know that the same kind of programming actually exists in me. So I’d just try to hide it as much as I can and try not to appear as what I know I am – ‘stupid’.

However not ever understanding that the only real ‘stupid’ thing about all of it, is my judgment of that ‘stupidity’ and the fact that I never realized or considered that it’s just programming. That this ‘stupidity’ that existed in my grandmother and in myself, and I’m sure in my mother on some level as well, is the result and consequence of mind consciousness system programming passed down through generations. The result of for instance just extensive and intense amounts of fear compounded within the mind, due to traumatic shit happening. Like, wartime shit.

Where the ‘stupidity’ is more like being ‘stupified’ with fear. Existing in so much overwhelming and extreme amounts of fear that you just sort of can’t handle it. That you can’t ‘function’ and ‘operate’ effectively, cause the fear just gets in the way all the time. I mean, that’s a lot more ‘serious’ than just calling someone ‘stupid’, as a judgment. And it just shows how easy it is to ‘judge’ something – some behavior or expression – yet how much we really miss and dismiss and disregard about the reality of what we’re judging.

So essentially, I need to first and foremost allow myself to be SLOW. To stop putting all this pressure on myself to ‘keep up with other people’, and take it as slow as I need to. I need to in other words be more CONSIDERATE with myself and with my actual capacity. And sure, maybe that capacity might be a bit more ‘diminished’ than other people’s, when it comes to seeing and understanding and comprehending things. But that’s alright, because it is simply a CONSEQUENCE of generational mind consciousness system programming. So instead of comparing myself to others and judging myself, I need to recognize and consider who and what and how I am, and ‘work with what I got’.

And be intelliGENT, as in approach things with GENTLENESS, rather than judgment and comparison. Be more ‘sensible’ and ‘sensitive’ to what’s actually needed and required, in terms of what would actually be of support, and to the fact that not everybody is the same. That we all have different programming, which goes back generations upon generations, and therefore we all have different capacities and capabilities and skills. And within that, we are all equal and one. Very different, yet equal and one the result and consequence of programming.

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