Social Anxiety

 I just have to share this timeline I did in DIP Pro, cause it just so perfectly captures my entire experience as a person in this world, in my life lol. Just 'anxious', uncomfortable, trapped in my own skin, in my environment, not particularly enjoying the whole 'social' experience, around 'other humans'.

MP-->-->-->-->-->memory of sitting on the sidelines watching other kids playing a game

E1-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm at Chiro

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my parents are making me come here and 'play with the other kids'

E1 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> my brother too

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> but neither of us likes coming here

E1-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> we're always trying to get out of it, whining at my parents to please let us stay home

E2 -->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I fit in

E2-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I don't feel like I am accepted or that the others like me very much

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel anxious and uncomfortable

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I feel uncomfortable in my clothes even

E2 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I always feel cold and rather just stay inside where it's warm and where we get our treats

E3-->-->-->-->-->--> I am sitting on the side watching as the other girls in my group play a ball game

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I've already been tagged out

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I watch as they all seem really into the game, into competing against each other

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think 'I don't understand it. I don't understand what people like so much about fighting against each other trying to be the winner. Can't we all just be friends and get along?'

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->I feel an aversion to playing games where you have to 'beat' other people and try to be a winner, specifically very physically active games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I think I don't want to participate, it's all too rough for me. I want more gentle things, like staying inside and eating or talking or playing board games

E3-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> I'm wishing we could go inside and I'm waiting until it's time for us to go inside

E4 -->-->-->-->-->--> I feel trapped cause I'm forced to be there against my will. So all I can do is just sit and wait, feeling uncomfortable inside myself, until I get to go home. While pretending that I like being part of it all and doing all the things everyone else is doing. 

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->--> feel like I'm imprisoned inside my own body and my environment

E4 -->-->-->-->-->-->-->--> cause I can't go anywhere or do any of the things that I actually want to do and am forced by my parents to be here and do this

And it's with opening up these kind of memories that at first glance seem so trivial in the landscape of my life, that I get to go deeper into this whole design play out of 'me'. That I can have realizations, like 'oh wow, if only I had just been honest with myself about the fact that I hated it there and hated everything about it, it would have actually helped me be more comfortable with myself'. Cause writing out this memory play-out, I can see that it's especially the part where I'm 'pretending' to enjoy being and doing what everybody else is doing, that caused me to feel trapped inside myself. To feel even uncomfortable in my own skin. 

Rather than thinking that I must force myself to fit into this environment and be like everyone else, I could have just recognized for myself that 'no, I was actually forced to go to this place and be here, and I just don't like any of it'. So, rather than trying to force myself to enjoy it, just embrace the hate lol. Embrace and be real with the fact that, hey, I really actually don't like or enjoy any of this. 

Cause I noticed I do that a lot with myself, kind of force myself into trying to enjoy something just because 'everybody else seems to', while I actually simply don't enjoy it if I'm honest with myself. Trying to 'fit into' what seems to be 'the way of life' for most people and pretend that I'm enjoying this ride just like the next person, while I actually am continuously asking myself 'what the hell am I doing here?' and 'what's really the point of all this?' And so I'm not just being honest with myself about how I actually experience myself. More living life based on BELIEF of how I should feel and should be. It's bizarre.

So anyways, just wanted to share this timeline cause I thought it's really neat to be able to get into the nitty-gritty of yourself within this online DIP Pro course, and to then start really changing things through different tools. Taking on your own memories as the 'fabric' of your life and of 'you' and redesigning your whole experience. Pretty cool stuff.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

Tourettes

This is a continuation of my previous post "You're a Fucking Bitch"

Looking back on my life in general, there were many moments, many memories I have, wherein I seemed to deliberately place myself in situations that just caused me greater stress and anxiety and emotional inner conflict than I was already experiencing. Where I was for instance doing things because of some belief or idea in my mind of ‘oh this is what I’m supposed to be doing’ and completely ignored the fact that what I was doing was making me feel extremely uncomfortable. Like there was just a complete disregard for my own feelings and inner experiences and on top of that as well a tendency to almost deliberately make myself feel uncomfortable and uneasy. Like a bullying of myself in a way.

In fact most of the things I did, in terms of the people I chose to hang out with and the activities we participated in, actually made me feel very anxious. And if I had listened to myself and done what was best for me, I simply would not have chosen  those friends/activities. Yet, I did all of it because I believed it’s what I wanted. It’s only now, being more aware of who I am in my mind, that I am realizing and seeing that I was living this programming of being harmful towards myself – in terms of basically rather than doing what made me feel good, comfortable and pleasant, I did that which made me feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, ashamed and conflicted within myself. And I felt good about that! Lol

And then I’d also sometimes ended up blaming other people for judging me, instead of realizing that I placed myself in that situation to begin with, kind of throwing myself to the vultures, being vulnerable to be judged. Because sure, judgment is a thing. People judge. And yes if you’re going to behave and express yourself in a certain way, people are going to judge you in a certain way. So it’s almost like I deliberately did things that would cause others as well as myself to judge me, so that I could then go and feel ashamed and embarrassed and disappointed within myself, over and over and over again.

It’s kind of similar to people who have Tourettes. You see them reacting immediately to their own behavior and expression with shame, guilt and embarrassment. But it’s like they can’t help themselves. There’s something inside of them that needs/wants to do it. It’s that addiction to ‘self-harm’. Something inside them that yes, DELIBERATELY, places them in situations wherein they WILL end up feeling bad about themselves in some way.

So why do this? What’s going on here? What I traced it back to within myself  is this sort of attachment to ‘relationships’. Or rather, a more intense one than within your average human. A more intense sense of ‘I just want to be friends’ or ‘I want you to like me’. It’s kind of a ‘relationship demon’. And it’s interesting because ‘relationships’ actually means self-compromise. Cause the more you want or try to create relationships with others, the more you’re willing to not be yourself just so you can please others. It’s a form of self-abuse. Cause you’re just not considering yourself in any way whatsoever, as you’ll do anything just to be ‘liked by others’.

And I mean me personally have never been able to imagine NOT having this desire for relationships. To be able to ‘just be myself’ when I’m around other people. Also the concept of ‘agreements’ was always something unfathomable to me. Only now are my eyes starting to open to the possibilities of existing beyond this ‘relationship preprogramming’. To consider that it’s possible to be ‘together’ with another person, yet not in a ‘relationship’, but in an ‘agreement’. And for me to honor my relationship with myself instead.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

Never Forget your Programming

This is a continuation of my previous post "Putting my Foot Down"

Since a few years now I’ve had this ‘point’ on the tip of my left index finger. It was at some point a wound that healed and formed scar tissue. And I’ve found myself often sort of picking at the hardened tissue as just an automatic thing that I do and never though much of.



But I actually realized that it’s connected to a specific ‘programming’  that I access every time I pick at it. A programming of ‘inner emptiness’. It’s basically just this experience of emptiness within myself. Emptiness, loneliness, separation, isolation and disconnection. And I’m finding myself picking at it when I am around people, and so what I am doing is essentially everytime I do that, subconsciously accessing and bringing up all these experiences within myself to remind myself that 'who I am' is 'empty, alone, separated, isolated and disconnected'.

I mean it's really just another 'programming' of the mind to make sure that I never 'forget' my programming. My programming being that of self-suppression. So to make sure I never 'step out of' or realize myself as not actually being this programming of self-suppression, the mind has these 'fail-safes' in place. Just these little sort of 'traps', as 'habits' that seem 'innocent' but they're really not when looked into closely.

In fact, when you look closely, you go "holy shit". Cause you realize your own mind is duping you. It feels like such a betrayal lol. Like, my OWN MIND?!! And you realize you can't even trust your 'own mind'. That it is designed to basically be your enemy, to trick you and dupe you and sabotage you every step of the way.

I shall not express myself

This is a continuation of my previous post "Fighting for Righteousness"

so it's kind of weird, this thing. This point within me wherein I seem to have learned not to express myself. Not to ever 'express' the real me sort of speak. Like, anything that I do express always comes from a starting point of 'careful deliberation' in the mind. From 'thinking' wherein i decide 'how I should express myself'. So there is like a almost 'complete' suppression of me as the directive principle. Cause it's always my thoughts that are that directive principle. It's like at some point in my life I 'accepted' that I should not express me. And that I must express only thoughts.

So I suppressed like the 'genuine' part of me. That which would 'genuinely' express itself, without thoughts and without thinking. And it's like hiding under just this 'wall' of like almost an attacking of myself. Or like, basically all the 'reasons' for why I cannot and should not express myself. Which is like judgments of myself and like thoughts about all the things I believe I've done wrong and so this wall is kind of like a 'punishment' of myself. Or like this point of believing that I don't 'deserve' to express myself because oh look at all these things that I am doing wrong. All these reasons why I don't deserve to be genuine and 'free' and 'me'.

Like for instance something that will come up is that 'I wasted too much time walking my process', that I am 'too late'. Specifically compared to others, it's this belief that I should be punished for that or at least judged for it, and so must sit in this 'containment' until the judge and jury has decided that I may be released. Until I've 'done my sentence' in a way. Like if this 'real me' really is 'pure' and 'innocent', then I must be 'found innocent' and basically must have done nothing 'wrong'. But the thing is that I can always find so many things 'wrong' that I've done. So many ways in which I did not sort of measure up to the 'ideal'. Take Sunette for example. She would be the 'ideal'.

Like, from what I 'know' of her, she walked her process and transcended her mind in like a few years, and then started portaling. Whereas me, more than ten years later from when I began my process, here I am still only moved in 'increments'. Like sure I've changed from when I started, but I don't have the ability to portal, so like I am not yet as 'self-realized' as Sunette has been for years. So she's always like a reminder that I've just been 'wasting my time' and that I am just not disciplined enough, not driven enough, not self-honest enough, not self-responsible enough. Or at least that I haven't been. So then, do I really 'deserve' to sort of 'freely express myself'? When my 'track record' clearly shows that I never actually 'cared' enough about life to try harder?

But then, life is me isn't it? And the point of 'not caring about life' is the mind. So then at the end of the day it doesn't matter 'how long it took me' and 'how long I've wasted time', cause to care about life, as me, is to simply allow myself the freedom to express myself genuinely, unconditionally. Where, 'how long' it took me to get there doesn't matter. Cause only the mind would use something like that to still just 'prolong' that time. Only the mind would use numbers like days, months, years, hours, to 'calculate' and 'reason' why you would or would not 'deserve' something. And only the mind would use the concept of 'deserving' in the first place. For life, as me, the only thing that matters is that you're 'here'.

Doesn't matter how you 'compare' or what you've done in the past. None of that 'matters' because life is about being 'here'. Life doesn't 'hold grudges'. Life doesn't even have a 'memory'. Life is just 'expression'. Life doesn't care about you trying to 'rectify' or 'do penance' or 'atone'. Life is about unconditionally letting go and starting over. In every moment. All these words like atonement and even 'forgiveness' are things the mind uses to create 'the past' as 'memory'. To create the illusion that you are 'shackled' to something. Something that 'haunts' you and 'burdens' you and therefore you cannot just 'be you'. You cannot just express yourself genuinely and innocently. You have to have these 'memories' that just trail behind you and accumulate as you live your life and just sort of becomes more and more 'shit' that you now have to somehow 'rectify'.

And it's quite well done, this 'system'. This 'system' that makes these 'memories' seem like it's really 'who we are'. Where you look at your memories and go, "yeah, that's me". And you accept this 'prison'. Cause it 'makes sense' to you that 'life' is like this. That you have these things called memories, that somehow make up or define who you are. These things that sort of build this wall around you, and make it impossible for you to be 'free' in your expression.

There's Something Wrong Here...

This is a continuation of my previous post "Bringing the Darkness Here"

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.

Bernard Poolman

I couldn't make sense of this quote at first. But I knew that laziness has been a big part of my life so I knew that it must apply to me somehow. It's only now, after realizing that I was in fact still very much living that laziness - although I believed I wasn't - that I am understanding what this quote is actually saying and how it applies to me.

Laziness is when there is something that you're not entirely wanting to let go of. A desire you're trying to protect and 'hold on to'. But at the same time you're not being honest with yourself about the fact that you are still holding on to it - so it becomes a point of self-judgment within you. And the self-judgment becomes a self-suppression. Because, you're hiding a part of you, from yourself.

So in a way you start living a 'half-life', since you're only partly 'here'. That suppressed part of you becomes like an anchor that weighs and drags you down. But it's invisible. You're not even noticing that there's something holding you back. I mean you do, but you also don't. You do kind of sense that there's something 'wrong'. There's just 'something', but you can't put your finger on it.

To 'cut through' or 'hack' this laziness point, you just need to pretty much 'come clean' about the point of desire that you've been unwilling to let go of. Be real with yourself that you have not been taking responsibility for a specific part of you because, you simply have not been wanting to. Recognize and see that this point of desire has been and is your 'master'. Maybe it's just a really seriously intense desire and maybe that means that it's going to be a bit more difficult to transcend it. And you may not see how or be able to, at this moment, 'just let go of it'. And that's actually fine. Just for now admit and realize that this desire is your 'master' and that you must serve it. Until you stand equal to it. As in, until it no longer influences you and you are able to move freely without it being there to hold you back.

Being honest with self is always the first - and most important - step towards transcendence.