Desperate for Connection

This is a continuation to my previous post "I Love Myself"

I do this thing where I look outward a lot, towards other people with this sort of despair of 'please let me know who I am!!' Wanting 'feedback', but in a very intensely desperate way lol. As if my life depends on it. Like I NEED another person to tell me if I am 'good' or 'bad'. Because deep down I have this huge fear of like, everything basically.

I'm a very fearful, anxious, nervous, terrified little girl. Always looking to others to comfort me and reassure me. As a child it was in a very physical way, in terms of running to my parents whenever I felt afraid or scared of anything, but in a very desperate and lost kind of way. As if I felt extremely alone within myself and even when my parents were there, I could not shake that experience of being 'alone' and just not having a real 'connection' with them. Like, they were 'here' with me, but also not, in some way. And I felt desperate for that real connection. But always ended up feeling so lacking. Just so very alone. Like no one could really see me. As if I was really actually a ghost. Feeling so cold, alone, afraid, disconnected, lost. Looking for some hand to touch mine.

It was just me, and the fear inside myself. And that is how I have lived my life. LOOKING for connection. Instead of CREATING connection. Because I felt victimized by FEAR. I did not realize that what I was looking for wasn't 'here' because 'I' was what I was looking for lol. I was the point of 'connection'. It was something I need to live, and bring into manifestation, and create in this world. Because, it is not here already. But, it is something that is needed. So I must be the solution.

I was expecting a 'perfect world'. But I found something quite lacking. But then I didn't realize my responsibility, power or potential to create that world. To create that connection. I just accepted the fear which was telling me that there is no hope. There is nothing, and that's just the way it is. So I'd always be existing in a desperate search for something that simply 'isn't here'.

I Love Myself

 This is a continuation of my previous post "The Purpose of a Relationship"

I love myself. I've been starting to say that to myself. But then I was like 'well what does that mean?'. It means 'I do what is best for me'. I guess that's why 'love' is always such a 'general' kind of word. Cause it basically means EVERYTHING. A commitment to do what's best for myself.

I mean I've never loved myself. In fact I've always hated myself. I couldn't stand myself. I'd use any opportunity to undermine myself, hurt myself, sabotage myself, bully myself. In fact, I feel like that's kind of how these blogs started. Cause I was 'getting somewhere' with myself. So then a point came up. I realized a 'mistake' I had made. A point I hadn't been considering in my process. And all of a sudden I plunged into deep despair and self-judgement, beating up on myself over "how could I have missed this?!!"

And I thought I was supporting myself but it was coming from quite a self-sabotaging starting point, cause at the end of the day it was just an opportunity for the mind to make me 'fall' and falter and give up on what I was doing, which was slowly but surely learning to support myself.

And I mean yeah at the end of the day this was all 'necessary' in the sense that I did end up realizing an important point. Just the whole emotional self-chastising around it made me doubt the process that I was already walking with myself and just intensified this whole programming of self-hate. Which has now just been another 'layer' for me to walk through, ultimately ending up at the same realization, that I need to really start loving myself. So it's interesting how the mind could take a small point, like a realization that 'I missed a point in my process' and spin so much information around it to get you to 'fall' while making you believe you're actually supporting yourself, and make you not even recognize just how much emotional trauma you're actually putting yourself through.

All because you didn't understand that the information you accept as 'real' is what you 'create' as your 'reality'. So that is now your internal reality. Until you start questioning all the suffering you're going through internally and realize that it was all not real to begin with, but merely reactions to 'information' that you unquestioningly 'accepted' as real. Which all went according to the mind's plan. And that, your real focus should be on forgiving that suffering and learning to love yourself unconditionally, and to essentially ignore the 'information' the mind wants you to believe.

So, I made quite a tumble. With some consequences as a result lol. But, I did come to some valuable understandings and realizations, so I have that going for me. Which is nice.

The Purpose of a Relationship

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Shall not Express myself"

When it comes to the ‘relationship point’ I seem to have the hardest time really looking at it and working with it. Cause it’s this point of ‘secret desire’ that has preoccupied most of my life. And in a big way, it still ‘preoccupies’ me. It’s kind of like a distraction actually in a lot of ways. On a subconscious and unconscious level it just kind of ‘captures’ my awareness and keeps it ‘locked’ and ‘preoccupied’ and ‘entertained’.

So that got me asking myself, ‘why am I in a relationship actually?’ And why are ‘agreements’ a thing in terms of process? When I’d actually be a lot more effective on my own, not in a relationship. Like just a lot more self-directive and self-confident and clear. I’d be more ‘my own person’. Most of the ‘issues’ and the things I ‘go through’ from moment to moment wouldn’t be an issue if I wasn’t in a relationship. So wtf.

I mean really the only point I am seeing as to the relevancy of being in a relationship IS that it’s programmed to be such a distraction in the mind that it’s like a test. Like an extra challenge in your process, just there to sort of push your ultimate resolve. To see whether you’re going to give in to the distraction or will you still push yourself to be self-honest.

I’m sure there’s another ‘purpose’ to it lol, in terms of ‘living words’ and walking a ‘creation process’ with another person. But I feel like I’m just not there yet. Cause in all honesty I just haven’t been quite willing to entirely ‘let go’ of the relationship point. And so basically, just not really ‘wanting’ to change. And for right now I’m still focusing on just trying to get myself to a place of self-honesty and self-responsibility. Cause I seem to so easily just hide this point from myself, just so I wouldn’t be in a capacity to direct it.

And yeah it’s kind of fucked up that there’s this level of dishonesty within me that I can’t just be straight with myself about these things and that I’d sabotage and manipulate myself to that extent, just cause I guess on a pretty deep level there’s just sheer addiction. And like an addict, I lie and cheat and deceive to just be able to continue participating in my addiction.

And I guess I got to just follow like a ’12 step program’ to walk myself out of the addiction slowly but surely, rather than expecting myself to be able to just ‘quit cold turkey’. Cause clearly this point has much more of a hold on me than I’ve cared to admit to myself. And it might still be quite a journey for me to actually change.

I shall not express myself

This is a continuation of my previous post "Fighting for Righteousness"

so it's kind of weird, this thing. This point within me wherein I seem to have learned not to express myself. Not to ever 'express' the real me sort of speak. Like, anything that I do express always comes from a starting point of 'careful deliberation' in the mind. From 'thinking' wherein i decide 'how I should express myself'. So there is like a almost 'complete' suppression of me as the directive principle. Cause it's always my thoughts that are that directive principle. It's like at some point in my life I 'accepted' that I should not express me. And that I must express only thoughts.

So I suppressed like the 'genuine' part of me. That which would 'genuinely' express itself, without thoughts and without thinking. And it's like hiding under just this 'wall' of like almost an attacking of myself. Or like, basically all the 'reasons' for why I cannot and should not express myself. Which is like judgments of myself and like thoughts about all the things I believe I've done wrong and so this wall is kind of like a 'punishment' of myself. Or like this point of believing that I don't 'deserve' to express myself because oh look at all these things that I am doing wrong. All these reasons why I don't deserve to be genuine and 'free' and 'me'.

Like for instance something that will come up is that 'I wasted too much time walking my process', that I am 'too late'. Specifically compared to others, it's this belief that I should be punished for that or at least judged for it, and so must sit in this 'containment' until the judge and jury has decided that I may be released. Until I've 'done my sentence' in a way. Like if this 'real me' really is 'pure' and 'innocent', then I must be 'found innocent' and basically must have done nothing 'wrong'. But the thing is that I can always find so many things 'wrong' that I've done. So many ways in which I did not sort of measure up to the 'ideal'. Take Sunette for example. She would be the 'ideal'.

Like, from what I 'know' of her, she walked her process and transcended her mind in like a few years, and then started portaling. Whereas me, more than ten years later from when I began my process, here I am still only moved in 'increments'. Like sure I've changed from when I started, but I don't have the ability to portal, so like I am not yet as 'self-realized' as Sunette has been for years. So she's always like a reminder that I've just been 'wasting my time' and that I am just not disciplined enough, not driven enough, not self-honest enough, not self-responsible enough. Or at least that I haven't been. So then, do I really 'deserve' to sort of 'freely express myself'? When my 'track record' clearly shows that I never actually 'cared' enough about life to try harder?

But then, life is me isn't it? And the point of 'not caring about life' is the mind. So then at the end of the day it doesn't matter 'how long it took me' and 'how long I've wasted time', cause to care about life, as me, is to simply allow myself the freedom to express myself genuinely, unconditionally. Where, 'how long' it took me to get there doesn't matter. Cause only the mind would use something like that to still just 'prolong' that time. Only the mind would use numbers like days, months, years, hours, to 'calculate' and 'reason' why you would or would not 'deserve' something. And only the mind would use the concept of 'deserving' in the first place. For life, as me, the only thing that matters is that you're 'here'.

Doesn't matter how you 'compare' or what you've done in the past. None of that 'matters' because life is about being 'here'. Life doesn't 'hold grudges'. Life doesn't even have a 'memory'. Life is just 'expression'. Life doesn't care about you trying to 'rectify' or 'do penance' or 'atone'. Life is about unconditionally letting go and starting over. In every moment. All these words like atonement and even 'forgiveness' are things the mind uses to create 'the past' as 'memory'. To create the illusion that you are 'shackled' to something. Something that 'haunts' you and 'burdens' you and therefore you cannot just 'be you'. You cannot just express yourself genuinely and innocently. You have to have these 'memories' that just trail behind you and accumulate as you live your life and just sort of becomes more and more 'shit' that you now have to somehow 'rectify'.

And it's quite well done, this 'system'. This 'system' that makes these 'memories' seem like it's really 'who we are'. Where you look at your memories and go, "yeah, that's me". And you accept this 'prison'. Cause it 'makes sense' to you that 'life' is like this. That you have these things called memories, that somehow make up or define who you are. These things that sort of build this wall around you, and make it impossible for you to be 'free' in your expression.

Fighting for Righteousness

This is a continuation of my previous post "My Mind, My Savior"

A righteous warrior. It's a sort of self-deceptive starting point that tends to 'sneak in', with regards to walking process specifically. It's like a 'fighting for self-honesty' lol, because on some level you know you're actually self-dishonest. On some level there are things you don't actually want to be honest about, so you turn 'self-honesty' into a 'crusade'.

In a way it's been the starting point of these blogs I've been writing. Almost like a tendency to want to place my focus on 'all the things I'm doing' that 'prove' my 'righteousness', rather than focusing on ACTUALLY being SELF-honest. Focusing more on my SELF than the 'image' of me as 'righteous'.

It's like the crusaders who went out to do deeds and wage wars and perform quests in the name of spiritual righteousness. So they would be the ones to ALWAYS be 'right'. They could never be 'questioned' because they 'walk the path' the loudest and the brightest of all. Waging a 'holy war' with them being on the 'winning side'. The side of 'good'.

But it needs to be asked 'why?' Why the 'intensity'? Why the 'absoluteness'? Why the 'fight'? Why so loud? What are the things you're suppressing and are avoiding to look at? What are you 'fighting' to get away from?

Cause the real reason you're fighting is cause you feel 'small', inferior and insecure. And these are things about you that you're not 'accepting'. And so you fight like a wild animal, protecting and hiding your 'weaknesses'. Trying to convince others to 'respect' you, and not to 'mess with you'. Because you don't want those insecurities to be triggered and you don't want to have to face them. Cause you've on some level decided that this is a part of you that you just cannot transcend. Because in fact, you fear it so completely.

My Mind, My Savior

This is a continuation of my previous post "That which we're all Looking for"

Throughout my life I have always had a very strong relationship with 'thinking'. Like, 'going into my thoughts' was a thing that I would do. Where I wouldn't just for instance use thinking as like a purely practical way of navigating my reality, where your 'thinking' is more 'integrated' in your moment-to-moment sort of 'living'.

But my 'thinking' was more like I would cut myself off from the world around me and just sort of go and 'sit' in my head. Because I felt 'safe' there. In relation to my environment, I felt nothing but fear and anxiety and constant discomfort. And my own thoughts seemed the only place where I could not be 'harmed'. A place that I could escape to and that would keep me 'safe', essentially by suppressing my 'awareness' of the fear and anxiety I was actually experiencing. The act of 'thinking' in itself seemed to sort of give me a way to 'avoid' directly experiencing that fear.

But then, as a result of existing in a state of 'unawareness' due to 'thinking', I'd then actually experience even more fear and anxiety of a world and reality that I did not understand or 'relate to'. So my mind kept calling me. Saying to me, "I'll keep you safe! The world out there is nothing but fear, but you're safe in here!" And I never really questioned that, until now.

I always figured, it's where I feel 'safe' so therefore it must be my 'safe haven'. And so I found that I'd have the hardest time being 'in the body' cause it always felt like I was losing some kind of 'safety'. I never realized that the mind presenting itself as my 'safe haven' is basically like some kind of evil entity scaring the shit out of you, but then turning around and saying "I know it's scary! Come here, I'll keep you safe!" It's kind of like running into the arms of your abuser because they told you they would protect you from abuse.

It's cause the mind is good at hiding itself. Like, you'll only see those things that it wants you to see from moment to moment, because it's conditioned you to not see the 'bigger picture'. You kind of only see 'what's right in front of you'. Where, the mind will show you what it is that you're 'looking for'. A 'safe haven'. A 'comfort zone'. An 'escape'. It obviously won't show you that the only reason you're looking for that is because it is TERRORIZING and ABUSING you.

I mean, by saying that, I don't 'blame' the mind. It's just a program. This was more just an important point for me to 'realize' so that I could finally understand that I cannot trust the mind. And that I certainly cannot trust that sort of 'desire' to want to go and 'sit' in thoughts. And that really the only thing I CAN trust, the only thing that is in fact a real 'safe haven', and that does have my best interests at heart, is the physical body.

That which we're all Looking for

This is a continuation of my previous post "You are a Threat to Me"

A quite ‘stubborn’ programming I have found for me is the ‘relationship programming’. Like there’s this sort of constant tendency to see and perceive ‘my relationship’ as ‘the answer’. Or perceive it as something that’s here to ‘support me’. Something that’s ‘good for me’. Something I can ‘trust’.

And then I’ll sort of feel ‘shocked’ whenever things happen that ‘expose’ patterns that are clearly not ‘best’ or ‘supportive’. And I’ll be like, “but I thought…!!” Because I was sort of trusting the belief and assumption that at the end of the day, a relationship is supposed to be something ‘good’. Something of ‘love’, and ‘support’, and ‘care’ and ‘understanding’. I mean isn’t that always the starting point of it? And well, yes it is, cause that’s what we’re all ‘looking for’.

But the reality is that a relationship is more just an ‘extension’ of the mind. Because relationships are also just ‘designs’ and ‘programs’. Relationships, just like the mind, were specifically designed and programmed to ensure that beings stay locked into their mind. They’re programmed to trigger and generate the mind, and so in a way a relationship is also just another ‘mind’, or like an added ‘layer’. And, just like the mind, it’s here to ‘test you’, to see if you will ‘stand’ as a being, through it all. It’s just basically more programming to make absolutely, extra, extra sure that you never ever realize yourself as life in and as the physical.

And yet, when it comes to relationships, there’s this like belief that ‘oh no it’s something good’. That ‘to be in a relationship is something positive and good’. So not entirely recognizing that, ‘no, it’s just programming. There’s nothing ‘special’ about this. It’s programming and it’s basically just another thing for you to transcend and not be influenced by in any way whatsoever.’

I mean lol, it’s interesting this programming of like believing that ‘a relationship is the answer’. It seems so ‘sneaky’ in a way. It just sort of ‘sneaks in’ and goes unquestioned mostly, up until that moment when shit hits the proverbial fan and you’re all like, “but I thought…!!”, and you realize you should have known better. That you should be questioning EVERYTHING. Cause literally EVERYTHING in and of this world is specifically designed and programmed to MAKE SURE that you are and remain safely locked into the mind and never realize yourself as life in and as the physical.