Relaxation is... Not Doing Anything

 

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is...Understanding People"

Or, let me rephrase that. It’s to not do any of the things that your thoughts tell you to do. I’ve certainly always had that feeling within myself that somehow things are not ‘enough’. That whatever I’m doing, or whatever I have, or have achieved and done and accomplished, isn’t ‘enough’. I must do MORE! I must do BETTER! I’m not good enough yet! And it does create just a ‘generalized anxiety’ experience in me.

So relaxation is to not ‘do’ any of that. To be Ok with not doing anything. Or rather, to only just do the simple things. The things that support you in your life. The essentials. And ignore the constant ‘bubbling’ thoughts that come up with this excitement/anxiety attached to it, going ‘hey what about this?’, ‘and what about that?’, and ‘we could do this!’ or ‘we should do that!’

It’s to ‘take it easy’. Find out what life and living is really about, without what the mind is constantly trying to tell me about what it means to ‘live’, which is apparently to do this, and that, and the next thing. Which more then actually ends up fuelling emotional/feeling energy, and more thoughts and excitement/anxiety, than support me with being settled and grounded within myself. It’s like just attention diversion the whole time. Like hey lets place all of your attention on all these different things you apparently should be doing, so you don’t recognize or realize what it really means to LIVE. So you don’t get that living is to be HERE. To let all of that go, and BE.

Like, who are you even under all that constant chatter and rushedness and never feeling ‘good enough’, and the constant sense of having to prove yourself? Or what will you find if you were able to let go of all that? If you stop TRYING to be ‘good enough’ by doing a million things at once. Me, I don’t know lol. But I’m going to find out.

Relaxation is... Understanding People

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "Relaxation is..."

So fear of people. My experience with people is that I've always been very 'sensitive', as in very easily taking people's reactions personally and very easily feeling hurt, rejected, pushed away, judged - and feeling quite conflicted within myself between this polarity of on the one hand wanting to be liked, be friends, get along, be kind and strive for a sense of togetherness with people, while on the other hand taking it so very personally when people appear to not want or strive for the same things, or are sometimes downright hurtful and reactive, taking their reactions out on me. Where I'd be like 'why?! What have I done to deserve this?! I've done nothing but be kind and nice and friendly!' Where I'd then push people away as a way of 'self-protection', as I feel I 'can't trust people'.

So it's always this whole dynamic that plays out in my mind which leaves me feeling quite 'out of sorts' inside myself when I'm around people, and just uncomfortable - and having made the decision that I don't actually like to be around people, because of this whole experience. Because I fear their mind, and their reactions.  Needless to say it certainly doesn't allow me to RELAX, as I am in a constant state of being 'on edge'.

Something I have found supportive in this, whenever a person is reacting to me in some way - or when I am interpreting their expression in a way that makes me feel hurt or attacked or pushed away, as though they are reacting to me - is to place them within me for a moment, or place myself in their shoes, to see who they are inside themselves. This way I've found I can always understand better what is going on, as I've found that my 'taking things personally' is always coming from a lack of understanding where people are coming from and what is going on within and behind a person's behavior. So my mind will 'fill in the blanks' by way of making it 'personal', in terms of personal reactions of thoughts, emotions and feelings within myself.

And I've realized every time that either the person wasn't reacting to me as much as they were just in some personality design and so were reacting to themselves in some way, like a personality design of awkwardness, insecurity or frustration, or yes they were reacting to 'me', but more because they were projecting something of themselves onto me and so again, were just existing in their own 'mind-bubble'. So this point of 'understanding' has certainly been key in developing my own 'sovereignty' so to speak. In terms of my ability to 'be my own person' and not feel so 'cornered' and threatened all the time around people. But rather being able to 'relax' a bit more. Basically being my own person through seeing how other people are their own person. And so nothing is 'personal'.

Similarly I've also found this technique of placing the person inside me to be supportive when it comes to expressing myself and communicating with people, as that has also been quite a great point of stress for me throughout my life. Where I'd get all sorts of anxious and insecure inside myself pretty much anytime I'd try to say anything to people. By placing them within me, I can immediately get a feel of the kind of person they are and 'what they need' so to speak. As in, how I can most effectively communicate with them in a way that's most supportive for them. It'll feel more 'natural' for me to express myself actually as well, as though my body and my self aligns itself with the person in a sort of dance or flow of expression - expressing exactly what is 'needed' in the context of who that person is. And so in the context of support as what is 'best for all'. And I don't need to think about it, there's no reactions or fears or worries involved. It's all quite natural and relaxed. And I never end up judging myself or feeling insecure about how I expressed myself, because I could see and understand exactly how my expression was 'specific' to who that person was. 

This is all still 'moments' though at this point. It's points I'm still practicing and developing. And I have my 'good days and bad days'. Days when it comes more easily to apply this, and days when I'm overall feeling more insecure and reactive within myself and I kind of 'forget' about this application. Where I'm more 'sensitive' to react and take things personally, and just being less 'directive' with myself and just spending more time in my mind. And my mind will definitely take advantage of that, to 'power up' a lot of emotional personalities within me of insecurity and hurt in relation to people. So it's important to stay focused on living the solution and integrating these techniques and applications as new ways of living, in place of the old ways of emotional reacting and taking things personally.

www.desteni.org
www.desteniiprocess.com
www.destonians.com
www.eqafe.com

Relaxation is...

 

So there's this one point that keeps coming back in my process. Which is that I need to RELAX. And it keeps coming back meaning that I will see the utmost importance of having to relax for me specifically, as i will in a moment see the extensive amount of stress and pressure I and my body is on in general and how it's destroying my body specifically. And I'll be like 'oh shit I need to find a way to relax!' and realize that needs to be my absolute priority in my process. 

But then somehow, that 'utmost importance' sort of fades and after a while I find myself at the same point only worse this time because I did not listen and so have now put even more strain on my body - rather than having actually focused and worked on the solution, being: relaxation. I always find more, and other things important. Like oh I need to do writing and self-forgiveness, and color readings, and this and that and the other thing.  Focusing on all these different things that I 'need to do' and completely losing track of what I realized as actually important.

So this time what came up was this experience of just being so 'tired'. My body being tired. Me being tired. So tired that I'm ready to just give up and call it quits. I'm ready to die. 'I can't go on fighting anymore'. And it kind of frightened me in a way, this experience. Because, I don't get depressed. But this was like legit depression on a very physical level. And so I had a look at what have I been doing to myself to get myself to that point? For that to be my actual experience on a physical level. And I realized I've been working myself up so much again. So much stress and so much pressure again, that I'd been accepting and allowing within me on a constant bases.

So this prompted me to look at: Ok how to RELAX? And what does it mean to 'relax'? Is it just doing some meditation techniques every once in a while or is there more to it? I realized that to relax for me is mostly to accept myself. To stop looking for 'more'. To be content with where I'm at and where my life is at. To stop trying to force things because I'm thinking that my life should be different. So what if I'm working a 'dead end job'? So what if I am working six days a week? So what if that is all there is and possibly will ever be to my life?

To relax is to be content with how things are. To not be in that survival mode of thinking about the future and having and needing to create something 'more' and 'better'. I mean yes I can obviously create something different for myself and direct my life, but it won't be based on any survival based energy drive. It'll be a point of self-expression and -enjoyment. And for that, I need to first settle in and be content with where I'm at right now, and embrace that. Because, maybe all the things that I've been focusing on to try and 'make more of my life and self', isn't even really what is best for me per se and isn't really aligned with my self-expression. Because part of my starting point has been this point of 'I want more'. And that can really smother self-expression and -enjoyment.

What's important for me is to not have 'more', but to actually let go and sort of sink into what is HERE and, it sounds cliche but, finding the 'more' in what's already here. And for me that means walking through and releasing the points of stress and pressure and finding that point of 'relaxing'. Through for instance, as and while I am working, being in the moment. Not going into that 'rushing' experience I so easily slip into. Where I'm busy working on a million things at once. And am juggling many different ideas of all the things I could still do. And I'm already thinking about the next thing. And am really sort of on my tail 'as though the very whips of my masters were behind me'.

A lot of which also has to do with memory programming where during my childhood I was in a way 'rushed' in that sense, or rather felt that I was. And felt as though I could not relax, because relaxing and 'taking it easy' was in a way seen as 'laziness'. So now there is the greatest resistance to taking it slow and easy and steady within 'relaxing'. Where for instance I pay attention to what I am realistically able to handle, or simply move at the pace of the physical breath and don't rush myself through my tasks using adrenaline energy, trying to get everything done at once. So that I found was something that's come up with forcing myself to take it slow. A fear of being seen as 'lazy', and a belief that people would JUDGE my 'relaxing' as 'laziness' and something 'bad'. Even though, I'm still getting the job done. I am just moving at a slightly slower pace as I am just being more considerate of what I am realistically physically able to do from moment to moment without straining myself. And so am not 'miss perfect' anymore who magically gets everything done and more, but am also more 'relaxed' with how I do my tasks. 

Another point that's come up that's been contributing to my constant stress-level, is a 'fear of people'. But that's something to open up for my next blog.

RESPONSIBILITY

 i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am responsible for everything and everyone around me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I alone am responsible for EVERYTHING that is here

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am alone in my responsibility for everything that exists - even though there are clearly a lot of other beings around me in this reality

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to consider that perhaps those beings are also equally responsible for what is here as reality - and that i am not alone responsible for everything 

i forgive myself that I havent accepted and allowed myself to recognize that equality with the beings that exist here in and as reality -- by believing myself to be ALONE responsible, as if the world rests on my shoulders and everything is my task and responsibility, and I must save everyone and everything and fix everything and feel guilty about everything that goes wrong --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that everything is the responsibility of all of us beings participating in all that's here - and that I am not alone in that responsibility

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that even though I have always believed myself to be 'alone responsible' and have taken all that responsibility for EVERYTHING on my shoulders -- I never ACTUALLY took responsibility, in terms of actually simply living and existing in a way that is best for this physical world and reality, because the 'responsibility' was actually more a 'feeling', an 'emotion' and a thought -- rather than an actual LIVING WORD

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that responsibility as a living word is not to try and place the whole world on my shoulders and then feel overwhelmed by the immensity of that 'responsibility', that i can't actually possibly carry alone - but is actually about the simple and small actions -- about the simple physical actions of taking care of my environment and seeing what my immediate environment needs and how I can contribute to a better world through simple everyday actions -- rather than believing that I am responsible for THE WHOLE WORLD, which actually just makes me feel defeated and makes me feel like giving up and crumbling and falling inside myself because theres just no way that i could take on that responsibility that i've placed on myself

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to live the word responsibility within and as a simple physical level that is REAL  within and as the simple everyday actions that will contribute to a world that's best for all -- where i actually do what I as one individual am practically, physically able to do and achieve, rather than trying to do the impossible or expecting the impossible of myself

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that to live responsibility is actually if anything, to just focus on what I am personally able to do within the context of my life - and to leave the rest up to other people --- to let other people take their own personal responsibility -- rather than me trying to take the responsibility out of everybody's hands within the belief that I should be taking responsibility for EVERYTHING, instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that that just would make other people LAZY and not take the responsibility that is actually theirs to take, and would thus actually cause the world to fall in disarray as nobody takes their responsibility, while I try to take ALL the responsibility

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that what is best for all is for each being to take their responsibility for this world and reality -- for all of us to equally take responsibility, rather than some not taking any and others trying to compensate and pick up others' slack

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it's all in my hands and that i am alone responsible to save the world

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel defeated and disempowered because i obviously am not physically practically able to take responsibility for the whole world - to do everything - and fix and solve all the worlds problems

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to give up all that responsibility - and allow others to take the responsibility that is actually theirs - and to make sure that my responsibility simply consists of what I as an individual am able to practically realistically do in my everyday actions, and realize that anything 'more' than that is an illusion -- and is just me in the mind BELIEVING that somehow i am responsible for EVERYTHING

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to just keep it simple and just look at the small ways in my everyday life that i can take responsibility and that i can contribute to a world that's best - realizing and seeing and understanding that my world, as my direct environment is the only thing i am able to take responsibility for --- everything else is other people's responsibility. - and that my actions only really matter within my immediate environment

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to play this emotionally charged game with myself where i basically go and look at the entire world and believe that I am personally, alone responsible for EVERYTHING that is happening in the world - and am alone responsible to fix all of it, and that if i cannot, then I am a 'failure' -- where i generate and go into a LOT of intense emotions of defeatism, giving up, despair, powerlessness, disempowerment, fear, anxiety, overwhelmedness, sadness, guilt, etcetera, and not to mention self-judgment --- instead of seeing and realizing and understanding that that is the illusion of 'responsibility' within the mind as defined within thoughts and emotions --- rather than realizing and seeing that whatever i am seeing playing out in the world, it is not my responsibility, in terms of it doesnt ALL rest on my shoulders -- it is a 'joint' responsibility, a 'joint' creation of all of us beings in this world - and that my personal responsibility is to just do what i can to act in ways within my immediate environment that will CONTRIBUTE to a world that is best for all, and to be a living example to other beings so they may also take their responsibility, and through the 1+1+1+1 equation we will change the world --- rather than trying to do EVERYTHING and then ending up just completely confused and all over the place and wanting to give up

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even consider OVERWHELMING myself like that - and putting all of that 'responsibility' on my shoulders, that apparently I have to take care of THE WHOLE WORLD, all on my own - where i then feel like I'm just crumbling inside under all that immense and impossible pressure --- instead of being real, and reasonable and realistic with myself and seeing, realizing and understanding that OBVIOUSLY my only responsibility is the one that I am realistically able to take, anything 'more' than that is the mind playing games with me, getting me to lose myself within emotions

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to even consider believing that i am ALONE here in this world and reality -- and alone responsible for what happens to this world and reality -- instead of opening my eyes and seeing that I am NOT alone, that in fact there are many many beings around me who are all equally responsible for this world -- and that I must realize and understand what is my personal responsibility and what is another's responsibility --- so that i don't end up accepting 'laziness' or rather 'abdication' of responsibility from others just because i am existing in some delusion of believing that I should be responsible for EVERYTHING

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to see and realize and understand that by living and defining the word responsibility in and as the mind - i have actually been abdicating and neglecting my ACTUAL responsibility on a physical level -- as i havent simply been focusing on the simple physical everyday acts that DO in fact make a difference and where I am personally able to CONTRIBUTE to a world that is best for all, within and as the 1+1+1+1 equation -- simply through how I choose to live in my personal life and environment

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to 'keep it simple' and to simply purely look at my own life and environment, where i personally have an impact -- and so to not necessarily look at 'the world' -- but more just stick to what is 'real', in terms of where I actually can have a real impact, which is in my immediate physical environment, and to just make sure that I am living within my immediate environment in a way that contribute to a world that is best for all

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to RELAX and essentially let go of all of that pressure that i've been placing on my shoulders -- the WORLD that i've been placing on my shoulders - and realize that 'the world' that I am responsible for, is purely and simply my own direct physical environment and the beings in it, because that is what I am realistically capable of taking responsibility for, in terms of deciding and directing my impact and influence --- and to trust that other beings will take their responsibility in oneness and equality with myself, for their own 'world' -- so that we are all a '+1' in the 1+1+1+1 equation and through each taking responsibility for their immediate environment, creating a world that is best as this whole physical world and reality

I forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to be simply HERE - as in simply present and connected with my own physical environment - as where my responsibility exists -- and so to let go of anything that is not of that immediate physical environment - and accept and realize that the rest, is someone else's responsibility, basically, as we all have our own location points in this physical world, and are personally responsible for those location points that we find ourselves in

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to actually look into and investigate my world - as in my immediate physical environment as my personal responsibility --- by defining my 'responsibility' within and as the mind in and as this picture of THE WHOLE WORLD, and connected with all these emotional experiences of disempowerment and defeatism

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to - instead of attempting the impossible and wasting time focusing on what's 'out there' as 'the rest of the world' - focus on my actual physical world and what exists within my immediate physical reality as there where I can in fact have an impact and make a difference -- my physical world and the beings in it --- and to correct and direct my relationships within that world and reality, realizing and seeing and understanding that my only responsibility exists within those relationships -- not anywhere 'out there' - but in fact 'right here' with the beings that form part of my physical reality

i forgive myself that i havent accepted and allowed myself to place my focus where my actual power is - in my immediate physical world and environment - and to let go of any thoughts of 'the rest of the world' -- but rather realize that all i can do is make sure that when it comes to my immediate environment, I act in ways that are best and have the best outcome for all

i see and realize and understand that when it comes to 'responsibility', there is an equality, where each and every being in this world and reality is EQUALLY responsible for themselves and their surroundings -- dependent on their personal CAPACITY to take responsibility -- and that my responsibility is within where i am capable of taking responsibility --- within my personal capacity to act in ways that will contribute to and create a world that's best for all

i see and realize and understand that i am not personally and alone responsible for THE WHOLE WORLD -- that i am not even ALONE responsible for my personal environment -- because I simply do not exist alone, but am surrounded by millions and billions of other beings, big and small, that all have their own personal responsibility as well -- where my personal responsibility is more just related to myself, to ensure that I act in ways, in every moment, that will contribute to and create a world that is best for all -- and to thus be part of the 1+1+1+1 equality equation -- and that i must thus let go of this mind point of trying to take responsibility for others and for EVERYTHING, and trust that others will also take their own responsibility in oneness and equality with myself

i see and realize and understand that any 'responsibility' that goes beyond or is more than just what i am purely simplistically practically and physically capable of - is an illusion in the mind and is more just designed to generate emotional experiences for me to lose myself in -- where i then end up actually abdicating and neglecting my REAL responsibility with regards to my immediate environment, as I am no longer present and aware and connected with my physical environment, but rather lost in the mind somewhere

i see and realize and understand that I am simply a +1 within the 1+1+1+1 equation - I am not the entire equation -- because I do not exist alone

I commit myself to live the word responsibility in the way that it actually matters and is actually real - and so to get out of this mind illusion of believing myself to be responsible for EVERYTHING AND EVERYONE in this whole wide world -- but rather simply take responsibility for myself, meaning for my physical actions and presence and to just make sure that I act in ways that contribute to a world that's best for all - and that i am a +1 in the 1+1+1+1 equation

i commit myself to place my focus where it matters - rather than concerning myself with 'the rest of the world' -- but to more realize and understand that the most impact i have on the world is when I direct my immediate physical environment and live as an example of what is best in all ways 

i commit myself to also support others to realize their personal responsibility by letting go of the belief that i am responsible for others -- and by thus allowing others to take responsibility for themselves - so we can all equally stand responsible for this world

i commit myself to let go of any concern or worry about anything or anyone other than and outside of myself - as i see and realize and understand that really my only responsibility and so my only worry and concern should be ME - and other beings are their own responsibility - to make sure that we all, within our own individual location point, live and stand in ways that are best for all

Do you CARE?

 

This is a continuation of my previous post "I'd like to go back now please"

A point that I've been looking at recently, is to 'place myself first'. From the perspective that, I've realized that although I have always put my focus on who and how I am in relation to my environment, I need to actually be focusing on who and how I am in relation to myself. I never realized that, while I can be the sweetest, most gentle, understanding, supportive and careful person in relation to everybody around me, I am actually the meanest, most spiteful, nasty and hateful person in relation to myself. In terms of the thoughts and the energies and reactions that I allow and do onto myself is just awful, and it's all of the things that I would never allow myself to do onto anyone else.

Because I always believed that, as long as I am good to others, it really doesn't matter how I treat myself inside. Kind of thinking 'it's just me anyways, what does it matter'. Thinking/believing that I don't matter, that I come last and that all of my nastiness and spitefulness and hatefulness I can just take out on myself, where it apparently 'doesn't matter'. So I've come to realize that my process of proving myself to be 'worthy of life', is not in relation to others, but in relation to myself. My challenge is in relation to myself, which is what I've extensively taken for granted and neglected and abused throughout my life. I'm fine in relation to others lol, it's in relation to myself that I need to prove that I can be a 'decent' person. That I can be all the things that I am always trying so hard to be to everyone else. 

And so, this ushered in my process of 'placing myself first', of making a commitment with myself, and learning to prove to myself that I stand as what's best for all of life, as ME. But with that, an interesting point has come up. The point of 'care'. As in the belief that, if I'm going to be placing all my focus and attention on 'me' and am going to 'place myself first', that I will be 'selfish' and that it means that 'I don't care about anyone else'. So that's been a point of conflict that's come up within me. Of 'oh no, I don't want to be selfish!' I wouldn't want people to think that I don't care!

So I've had to ask myself - or realize - 'what is care really?' And what does it really mean to care? Cause when I am 'placing myself first', I'm not just placing 'me' in separation of everyone else first. I am placing 'life as me' first. So that means that what I am placing first, is the life that is within me and equally as one within everybody else. The 'life' that is at the core of each and every one. The life that, when it comes to human beings, is layered within the mind. Where we as humans may for instance believe that we 'care' because we participate within particular feeling/thought/emotional/behavioral constructs, yet actually if we really had a look, when it comes to 'life on earth in oneness and equality' we don't actually care. We don't actually do anything. We don't actually discuss solutions. We don't actually take action to bring about a world that is best for all. To bring about world change. 

So it's interesting, that that belief or perception exists, that to participate within thought/feeling/emotional/behavioral constructs and to 'be just like everybody else' means that I care - because I am apparently placing all of my focus on everybody around me and so apparently 'not being selfish'. Yet reality is actually in reverse, because at the end of the day if I have a look at my actions, I am not actually actively bringing about a world that is best for all, and so I don't actually care. Because if I really cared about life on earth, about the life within the 'life-forms' around me, then I would be taking action in every moment to address the MASSIVE problems we are facing in this world. I would NOT be 'like everybody else'. Because, 'everybody else' - or rather 'nobody else' - is actually talking about those problems. Nobody else seems to be taking anything seriously in terms of what's happening in this world and reality. 

Nobody else, or should I say me lol, within how I've always used to define the word 'care' - to only exist in the context of separation. In the context of only my family and my loved ones and close ones and immediate environment. As though I'm not entirely part of existence. Part of this world and part of life as a whole. Where care is more a construct of thoughts/feelings/emotions/behavior. More a sort of façade and something I BELIEVE I'm doing, yet am not ACTUALLY doing.

So to 'focus on me' and 'place myself first' - is more actually to focus on 'all of life' within and as me. To not be 'distracted' with just my immediate 'personal' environment. But to always place 'all of life' within me, within and as the point of 'oneness' - wherein yes I stand 'alone', as in 'all-one'. And yes I am 'selfish' but in the context of 'my-self-as-life' so it's a good kind of selfishness. It is a selfishness that's based within real CARE. 

And yes it certainly seems to be the exact reverse of what I always believed 'care' to be - in terms of ONLY being distracted by the people in my immediate environment, as MY family, MY friends and MY self, and sort of ruling out the rest of the world. And so it's the opposite of what I've basically learned throughout my life to believe is 'right'. Yet at the same time it is common sense and there is no denying that. It is just absolutely weird that it seems so far removed from the sort of 'human way of existing'. It is 'weird', yet it is the only thing that makes sense. Weird indeed.

I'd like to go back now please

 

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Support"

 I've noticed an interesting point or 'program' come up lately. Alongside this process I've been walking of sort of sinking deeper and deeper into the nitty gritty of reality. The real deal, and really coming to grips with the severity of the issues in existence as myself.

There is this point, as almost this belief that 'oh I could just go back to being completely ignorant and suppressed and blissfully unaware of what's really going on if I wanted to'. Like a 'back-door' or a 'fail-safe' in the mind. As if I have a choice. I mean obviously I do always have a choice, whether to 'face the music' of and as reality, or whether to pretend to be blind and unaware. You do always have the choice to 'go back' and choose the mind and pretend that process isn't real, and all the things you've realized and seen and walked were 'just a dream' in a way. And that what's real is the mind, where things feel cozy and comfortable and there's not a cloud in the sky.

And in a way so far my process has been 'easy'. Walking the conscious mind, the subconscious mind has been 'easy'. But it's with walking the unconscious mind, or the quantum physical, or whatever it is that I've been walking more recently, that things have been more 'tough'. And that I've come to understand as well that this is not going to be a 'walk in the park'. And that there is a lot of pain and suffering within existence, a lot of deep separation and a lot of 'challenges' ahead.

So anyways I've just been noticing this very 'subtle' experience or sneaky little thought sitting there way in the back of my mind. Which also seems specific to my mind perhaps, in terms of how I've always lived in total disconnection. Never quite grasping the seriousness or 'realness' of my actions, and the fact that every action has a consequence. Many times within my process, the main reason why I kept 'falling' back into specific experiences and create timeloop after timeloop, was this sneaky little thought of 'oh whats the harm'. Not realizing or recognizing the seriousness of process. Not having my feet on the ground. And almost believing that at the end of the day, 'nothing really matters'. Not really believing in 'consequences'. Because in the mind, there is no such thing as 'consequences'. Energy as emotions and feelings operates on the very 'principle' that you can 'lose yourself' and there will be no consequences. That 'it's fine' to lose yourself in this feeling/emotion/energy. While, reality is like the opposite of that lol. EVERYTHING has consequences. And that can be a tough pill to swallow when you come from lala-land as all the numerous delusions in the mind and are used to believing you can get away with anything.

But I did realize that how this sneaky little bastard of a thought is specific to my mind, is that it is just based on FEAR. And that fear is also coming from the mind as some sort of self-protection mechanism. Where the mind will be like 'oh no! You don't want to become aware of reality! You don't want to walk that process! It will be horrible!' lol. And then it will come in with that sneaky thought of 'you can always go baaaack...' as the point of 'comfort'. The 'looking for comfort from my fear'. Instead of simply realizing the fear, realizing it's not real, and just continue walking.

www.desteni.org

www.desteniiprocess.com

www.destonians.com

www.eqafe.com

 

Support

 

 This is a continuation of my previous post "Emergency color Reading"

I’ve been finding myself in this point of feeling like ‘I’ve got nothing to write about’ as the apparent reason why I haven’t been writing blogs consistently lately. Thinking that oh well maybe I’m just ‘processing things’ and ‘that’s why’. But, knowing the mind lol, that’s probably not why. Because, knowing the mind, it’ll always come up with new ways, new excuses, justifications and ‘reasons’ to get me to not simply do the things that are supportive. The things that are best. Like writing and blogging consistently.

So with this point of ‘not knowing what to write’, trying to force it, as in looking for topics or trying to ‘get myself to’ write about something, usually doesn’t get me anywhere, other than back to the same point of ‘not being able to’ write about anything. Where I’ll for instance start writing about some point I’ve been struggling with or looking at, but then that soon starts to feel like it’s just not quite ‘the’ point. Like usually when I write a blog, or when I do personal writing as well, there will be ‘a point’ that sort of ‘opens up’. And it will be clear and the words just flow, because it’s what is ‘here’. It’s ‘the point’.

But in these moments of ‘writer’s block’, it seems that no matter which ‘point’ I try to address and open up and write about, it’s just not quite ‘the point’. I am not quite ‘on point’. So then, after a little while of accepting this ‘writer’s block’, and the reasons, excuses and justifications in the mind that come with it, I finally realized or thought to myself, ‘oh, maybe the point of not having anything to write about is the point to write about’. Maybe there is something there that needs to be opened up, in terms of why it is I’m feeling this way or what might be ‘getting in the way’ of me simply doing my writing. And lo and behold, the words are flowing again lol.

So, what is it that’s self-honestly been getting in the way of my writing lately? Maybe the point of not really wanting to be self-honest. As in, not really wanting to ‘face’ or ‘see’ myself. So what of myself is it that I am not wanting to face or see? Is there anything that I am feeling guilty or shameful about? Something I have been judging myself for?

Interestingly, what it looks like is that I feel like I have been ‘slacking’ in my support of the group. Have not been doing certain things I had committed myself to do as points of support for the group. Simple points, like showing up for chats or reading blogs. So there is a ‘shame’ there that I haven’t been living up to my commitments and that in a way I’ve gone into a point of ‘neglectfulness’. Not recognizing or realizing the relevance and importance of these seemingly ‘small’ actions. ‘Small’ actions of support that contribute to and support ‘the group’. Because I’ve more been focusing on ‘myself’. Placing more importance on MY achievements and MY successes and MY life. And within that obviously disregarding the importance of the group.

Kind of seeing my actions and myself as an ‘island’ rather than realizing that the relevance and importance of my actions exists within how it supports the group. There is no ‘me as island’. That is the illusion of consciousness. In the illusion of consciousness it’s all about personal glorification, while the world burns, basically. The belief that my actions are my own, and the ‘rewards’ of my actions are my own, and I owe nothing to the group. While it’s all the reverse, as we don’t recognize all the ways that the group has been and is supporting us within all our ‘endeavors’. That, without the group, we wouldn’t be here. We wouldn’t even exist.

So basically I’ve been accepting and allowing thoughts to seep into my mind of personal glorification. Looking for personal recognition for my actions, successes and achievements and evolving my ‘I as consciousness’ through thinking about myself. Through comparing myself, and competing with others. Looking for a sense of ‘victory’, of value and worth, through my accomplishments.

So it’s interesting that I’ve clearly come to define words like value and worth, in the context of ‘competition’ and ‘comparison’. Where in fact my whole starting point in relation to ‘the group’ is that I am already inferior from the get go, and that I must prove my value and worth through the accomplishments and achievements I can prove to the group. Because obviously I am not experiencing unconditional support from the group. Unconditional support as in, it doesn’t matter what your accomplishments or achievements or successes are, you are supported as a member of the group in oneness and equality with everyone else in the group.

And with that, we’ve come full circle as I will obviously only ‘receive’ what I ‘give’. So if I want unconditional support, then I will have to give it first. And what that means is to stop comparing, stop competing. To ‘be there for’ everyone equally and not measure one person against another. To basically not have that prerequisite of ‘prove your worth first!’, where ‘support’ becomes synonymous with the ‘support’ that we give our celebrities in this world, which is more a sort of mix between inferiority and admiration. Of yeah I ‘support’ you, as in I give you all my attention and money. But it’s not unconditional because as soon as that celebrity isn’t popular anymore or they grow old or whatever, they lose all that apparent ‘support’ they were getting. So that kind of ‘support’ is more based on energy and so isn’t real.

So what kind of support would I like for myself? What would be best for me? That’s what I must start giving to others. In the principle of giving as I’d like to receive. Support that is equal, trustworthy, consistent, constant and unconditional. Where I basically must start becoming a lot more ‘considerate’ and ‘aware’ of others. Becoming a lot more in tune with who other people are so as to assess the kind of ‘support’ that they need. Because ‘equal’ and ‘unconditional’ doesn’t mean ‘all the same thing’. It means within consideration of each being individually and what is best for that being.