There's Something Wrong Here...

This is a continuation of my previous post "Bringing the Darkness Here"

Laziness is the suppressed version of self-judgment. So - find the self-judgment, set yourself free from the judgment itself and then you won't need laziness to hide in. Remember, that - the desire that forced you into judgment, and eventual laziness is still your master. Don't judge your master - serve your master, until you are equal to your master and then decide to direct you.

Bernard Poolman

I couldn't make sense of this quote at first. But I knew that laziness has been a big part of my life so I knew that it must apply to me somehow. It's only now, after realizing that I was in fact still very much living that laziness - although I believed I wasn't - that I am understanding what this quote is actually saying and how it applies to me.

Laziness is when there is something that you're not entirely wanting to let go of. A desire you're trying to protect and 'hold on to'. But at the same time you're not being honest with yourself about the fact that you are still holding on to it - so it becomes a point of self-judgment within you. And the self-judgment becomes a self-suppression. Because, you're hiding a part of you, from yourself.

So in a way you start living a 'half-life', since you're only partly 'here'. That suppressed part of you becomes like an anchor that weighs and drags you down. But it's invisible. You're not even noticing that there's something holding you back. I mean you do, but you also don't. You do kind of sense that there's something 'wrong'. There's just 'something', but you can't put your finger on it.

To 'cut through' or 'hack' this laziness point, you just need to pretty much 'come clean' about the point of desire that you've been unwilling to let go of. Be real with yourself that you have not been taking responsibility for a specific part of you because, you simply have not been wanting to. Recognize and see that this point of desire has been and is your 'master'. Maybe it's just a really seriously intense desire and maybe that means that it's going to be a bit more difficult to transcend it. And you may not see how or be able to, at this moment, 'just let go of it'. And that's actually fine. Just for now admit and realize that this desire is your 'master' and that you must serve it. Until you stand equal to it. As in, until it no longer influences you and you are able to move freely without it being there to hold you back.

Being honest with self is always the first - and most important - step towards transcendence.

Bringing the Darkness Here

This is a continuation of the previous post "I've been here before..."

Ever since deciding that 'I will face all that is here' it hasn't been an easy ride because, well, I am having to face EVERYTHING that I have been suppressing and pushing away underneath and behind 'positive illusions'.

In every moment it seems there is 'something' that I am trying to avoid looking at. I can tell because it literally seems like there is this 'dark spot' or more like a 'dark hole' somewhere deep within me. Where, it's not quite 'here' for me to see, but I can always tell. Because, you can't hide anything from yourself. You can try, but there is always a part of you that is 'painfully' aware of what you're trying to hide. This sense of 'darkness' that just sort of looms on the edges of your awareness.

When I notice that 'edge of darkness', no matter how subtle sometimes, I try to bring it 'here' so that I can really see exactly what it is I am trying to keep myself from seeing. There is lots of fear that comes up as well. Like a petrifying fear of "omg I am going to die!" lol But you don't actually. It just kind of feels like you are, since you're 'stepping into the darkness'.

'Bringing the darkness here' means to stand in and as it. To become it. To really fully embrace all of it, no matter how dark or painful, no matter how much fear comes up. To kind of stand in the point of, "alright, if I'm going to die, then so be it".

Sometimes it's even physically difficult to bring that darkness out of it's 'dark hole' and bring it 'here', where it feels like you've hidden it away physically, and it may actually take some kind of physical 'dying' just to be able to bring the point here. Sometimes it feels like my heart might stop, or I might throw up or something. Or I have to 'retch' it out of me, by physically 'retching' lol It's like I've decided on a deep physical level that this part of me is 'wrong' and therefore must always remain in suppression.

But when I then do stand in and as it, it doesn't feel as 'bad' anymore. Suddenly it actually feels more like I've just gotten closer to 'me'. And yes it may be dark but it's a deep knowing that 'I am home'.

I've been here before...

This is a continuation of the previous post "Forcing yourself to Face what's Here"

Ever since starting this process, or 'decision', to face the things that I tend to avoid I have realized that if you want to really 'live' in awareness of the things that you've faced, it takes a lot of effort lol

I found that when you push yourself to really 'see' who you are and you go through the process of letting go and 'starting over', it kind of feels like a rebirth. Like you start afresh, with a new perspective, a new drive and a new awareness.

But, similar to when you were 'newly born' as a baby, there's also a tendency to sort of 'let things happen'. Like this point of, "OK I got here, now it's just coasting from here on out". It's a point of 'forgetfulness' in a way. Forgetting that actually, you've been here before. At this exact same point of being 'reborn', but then you just kind of 'allowed things to happen' and here you are again - having gone through another cycle of being programmed and conditioned into becoming something and someone that isn't who you really are.

Just because you got real and faced some things and are now 'here' doesn't mean shit. The real proof is going to be in whether or not you are going to stay 'here'. Will you make absolutely sure that the same shit doesn't just happen again, or will you go into forgetfulness?

The mind is extremely clever and cunning in its design. If you don't push yourself in every moment to 'stay real' and be honest with yourself, it is so easy to get lost again. Because, a part of you - a big part of you - WANTS to go into the mind. It WANTS to forget and be blissfully unaware. The mind just provides the platform for it. At the end of the day it's you who chooses to use that platform.

Forcing yourself to Face what's Here

This post is a continuation of "What I must do as a Human Being on Earth"

These past few posts have been a bit 'hard to swallow' information. Some 'harsh truths' that I myself had been neglecting. And when you realize that you had been living in 'blissful ignorance', those 'harsh truths' feel like a bottomless pit that you have to 'dig out' to really face all the things you had been avoiding.

But with each point I found that, when I first realized it was something I had been avoiding, it seemed like I was staring down a massive black hole that would swallow me up if I dared plunge into it. Then as I forced myself to really face exactly what I had been avoiding to face for so long, it was painful. There was the kind of deep shame and regret that came up which seemed like it would be endless.

But I also found that, I'm still here. It didn't actually 'swallow me whole'. And I'm sure there will be lots more to face and plenty of painful things to realize and go through. At the end of the day all I have is the realization that, "Hey, I'm still here!"

There is a strength in that. To know that you can face reality. That you have the integrity to not look away. That you can stand through the storm no matter how heavy it is. I figure if there is one thing that I can make my 'legacy', if anything at all, then it would at least be this. It would be that I was at least honest enough to face all the shit that's here. That I at least faced and owned up to all the lies that I've been telling myself and that I was at least humble enough to do that small thing.

It may not be a glamorous or pleasant point to walk, but at least it will be real and at least I will have done something real. And if there is anything I can respect myself for, it will be that.

What I must do as a Human Being on Earth

This is a continuation of the previous post "The Hell we make Ourselves"

Imagine the entire future of earth being solely in YOUR hands. Imagine the absolute specificity that would be required from you. In my post "To be Passionate" I looked at how that absolute specificity actually already exists in how the body functions. In order for it to function properly and live and thrive, the heart must be constantly pumping. The cells must be constantly moving. Every little process must be in every moment 'on point' and 'giving its all', not missing a beat. I mean, THAT is specificity. Everything must be 'in tune with' and 'tuned into' it's purpose, and function solely according to that purpose - to support the body's overall health.

I know that I myself am definitely not living that specificity yet. Cause there are just so many moments wherein I am not present. Moments wherein I 'drift off' into imagination or some thought-pattern or feeling or emotion. Where I 'lose touch' and 'lose track' of what's here and of my 'purpose', to take care of this world and support it's overall health. Just like the cells in the body have that purpose, such is also my purpose as a human being on planet earth. To truly be aware in every moment of what my 'role' is in the whole of this existence and what I must do to ensure the optimal functioning and thriving of existence.

It is actually shocking to think that I have never even considered or realized myself as being like a 'cell' within the body. Because, that is literally what I am - a cell in/on the body of earth. My actions, participation and interactions have an impact on the world that I live in, in the exact same way that the actions of the cells in the body impact the body. So why would I expect all the cells in the body to 'do their job' to keep me healthy and alive, while not having that same expectation of myself? Why should I not be equal to a cell in the body and what is expected of that cell?

The Hell we make Ourselves

This is a continuation of the previous post "Giving your all within going for what you want"

When you get arrogant, there are consequences. You may not be aware that your actions are having consequences, until it is 'too late'. The thing about arrogance is the inability to see consequences. You think you've 'got something', and that that 'something' is a 'sure thing'. You stop questioning yourself. And when you stop questioning yourself you become blind to what's happening around you.

You stop seeing that things are always in movement. Everything is always moving even if it doesn't seem like it. Arrogance makes you not move 'with' things. It makes you stagnate. It makes you stop breathing and stop living. It makes you also assume that, just like you came to a halt, so did the world around you. And so you don't see that in fact, life is always 'on the move'. Just cause you gave up, doesn't mean that the world stopped turning.

You sink into a 'lazy couch' inside of yourself, from where you don't see any 'urgency' to move 'with' your reality, to pay attention to your reality. Unfortunately, when consequences play out, it becomes an 'emergency'. But then there is no action that can reverse or undo those consequences. Then there is just the bottomless pit of regret for not having been more humble.

Arrogance is like shooting yourself in the leg. But by the time you realize you've shot yourself in the leg there's nothing you can do anymore. You now need to make peace with the consequences and not to mention the anger at yourself for having done it to yourself. There is nothing worse than realizing that what is happening is completely your own doing and that there is nothing you can do about it now because you should have just not been so arrogant.

The only way to 'beat' arrogance, is to just keep breathing. Breath is the pace in which life moves, which is 'in every moment', always present, always aware. Never coming to a halt. It is a constant flow and if you don't move 'with' that flow, in humbleness, you might end up in your own self-created hell.

To stay humble in every moment is a constant reminder to yourself. To constantly remind yourself that "life is moving" and, "My reality is moving, so I must be here, present and breathing."  To be moving with and as the flow of life or you'll get swept away the moment you sink into a seemingly 'sure thing' and stagnate.

Giving your all within going for what you want

This is a continuation of the previous post "To be Passionate"

One 'trap' of the ego that I fell into which I did not realize - because I did not question it - is arrogance. Thinking that I've got something. Thinking that life will come to me instead of understanding that I must go to it, because I'm 'special'.

I don't really have to put in the work. I don't have to really challenge or push myself. In a way 'I'm already there'. I'm just that special. Meanwhile thinking and believing that I'm humble.

Of course I would think that I am humble, because I am not in fact humble in reality. If I was humble in fact, there is no way that I would EVER think that I am. I would just be it. Cause I would realize that it takes HARD WORK to be anything real. It takes hard work and never assuming that you've 'reached' anything. It has to be here. Meaning it has to be evident. Not just a thought, belief or assumption. It has to be living proof.

I believed that I just deserve good things. I don't need to really work for it and prove myself worthy. I just deserve it, because I am special. That's arrogance.

To be humble is to realize and understand that I 'deserve' nothing. To not 'assume' anything. If I want something, I need to work for it. I must be PASSIONATE about it. As in state, "Yes, this is what I want! And I will do anything to make it a reality!"

Guess I'll need to revisit my definition of 'passion' which I shared in my post "To be Passionate" lol. To be passionate is to go for what you want BUT to not be 'patient'. To not expect or assume that things will come to you. To rather 'take matters into your own hands' and 'give it your all' to make it happen.

There is humbleness in that. You have to humble yourself to say "I don't have this yet" or "I don't deserve this yet" BUT I will do anything to make this happen because it's what I WANT.