My Mind, My Savior

This is a continuation of my previous post "That which we're all Looking for"

Throughout my life I have always had a very strong relationship with 'thinking'. Like, 'going into my thoughts' was a thing that I would do. Where I wouldn't just for instance use thinking as like a purely practical way of navigating my reality, where your 'thinking' is more 'integrated' in your moment-to-moment sort of 'living'.

But my 'thinking' was more like I would cut myself off from the world around me and just sort of go and 'sit' in my head. Because I felt 'safe' there. In relation to my environment, I felt nothing but fear and anxiety and constant discomfort. And my own thoughts seemed the only place where I could not be 'harmed'. A place that I could escape to and that would keep me 'safe', essentially by suppressing my 'awareness' of the fear and anxiety I was actually experiencing. The act of 'thinking' in itself seemed to sort of give me a way to 'avoid' directly experiencing that fear.

But then, as a result of existing in a state of 'unawareness' due to 'thinking', I'd then actually experience even more fear and anxiety of a world and reality that I did not understand or 'relate to'. So my mind kept calling me. Saying to me, "I'll keep you safe! The world out there is nothing but fear, but you're safe in here!" And I never really questioned that, until now.

I always figured, it's where I feel 'safe' so therefore it must be my 'safe haven'. And so I found that I'd have the hardest time being 'in the body' cause it always felt like I was losing some kind of 'safety'. I never realized that the mind presenting itself as my 'safe haven' is basically like some kind of evil entity scaring the shit out of you, but then turning around and saying "I know it's scary! Come here, I'll keep you safe!" It's kind of like running into the arms of your abuser because they told you they would protect you from abuse.

It's cause the mind is good at hiding itself. Like, you'll only see those things that it wants you to see from moment to moment, because it's conditioned you to not see the 'bigger picture'. You kind of only see 'what's right in front of you'. Where, the mind will show you what it is that you're 'looking for'. A 'safe haven'. A 'comfort zone'. An 'escape'. It obviously won't show you that the only reason you're looking for that is because it is TERRORIZING and ABUSING you.

I mean, by saying that, I don't 'blame' the mind. It's just a program. This was more just an important point for me to 'realize' so that I could finally understand that I cannot trust the mind. And that I certainly cannot trust that sort of 'desire' to want to go and 'sit' in thoughts. And that really the only thing I CAN trust, the only thing that is in fact a real 'safe haven', and that does have my best interests at heart, is the physical body.

That which we're all Looking for

This is a continuation of my previous post "You are a Threat to Me"

A quite ‘stubborn’ programming I have found for me is the ‘relationship programming’. Like there’s this sort of constant tendency to see and perceive ‘my relationship’ as ‘the answer’. Or perceive it as something that’s here to ‘support me’. Something that’s ‘good for me’. Something I can ‘trust’.

And then I’ll sort of feel ‘shocked’ whenever things happen that ‘expose’ patterns that are clearly not ‘best’ or ‘supportive’. And I’ll be like, “but I thought…!!” Because I was sort of trusting the belief and assumption that at the end of the day, a relationship is supposed to be something ‘good’. Something of ‘love’, and ‘support’, and ‘care’ and ‘understanding’. I mean isn’t that always the starting point of it? And well, yes it is, cause that’s what we’re all ‘looking for’.

But the reality is that a relationship is more just an ‘extension’ of the mind. Because relationships are also just ‘designs’ and ‘programs’. Relationships, just like the mind, were specifically designed and programmed to ensure that beings stay locked into their mind. They’re programmed to trigger and generate the mind, and so in a way a relationship is also just another ‘mind’, or like an added ‘layer’. And, just like the mind, it’s here to ‘test you’, to see if you will ‘stand’ as a being, through it all. It’s just basically more programming to make absolutely, extra, extra sure that you never ever realize yourself as life in and as the physical.

And yet, when it comes to relationships, there’s this like belief that ‘oh no it’s something good’. That ‘to be in a relationship is something positive and good’. So not entirely recognizing that, ‘no, it’s just programming. There’s nothing ‘special’ about this. It’s programming and it’s basically just another thing for you to transcend and not be influenced by in any way whatsoever.’

I mean lol, it’s interesting this programming of like believing that ‘a relationship is the answer’. It seems so ‘sneaky’ in a way. It just sort of ‘sneaks in’ and goes unquestioned mostly, up until that moment when shit hits the proverbial fan and you’re all like, “but I thought…!!”, and you realize you should have known better. That you should be questioning EVERYTHING. Cause literally EVERYTHING in and of this world is specifically designed and programmed to MAKE SURE that you are and remain safely locked into the mind and never realize yourself as life in and as the physical.

You are a Threat to Me

This is a continuation of my previous post "Life is 'all of us'"

Social personalities. It’s the acceptance of manipulation and deception. Acceptance of the point of ‘you don’t see the real me, because you are lost in the mind. And I don’t see the real you because I am equally lost in the mind. And instead of assisting and supporting each other to be here together and see each other, we’ll play games with each other and take advantage of one another’s gullibility’.

With a ‘social personality’, you just need to look at ‘what is being manipulated here?’ Which ‘strings’ are being pulled and why? What is it that the person actually ‘wants’ and is thus using a ‘social personality’ to ‘get’. Cause if you don’t want to be manipulated, you need to start with looking at yourself. What are you using a social personality for? What is it that you’re ‘manipulating’ for?

I’ve realized that I’ve developed a ‘social personality’ to sort of keep people at a distance and in a way ‘get them off my back’ and not ‘bother’ me too much, and essentially avoid ‘conflict’,  while also ‘safeguarding’ and ‘getting’ the things I want. Cause my experience when I was younger was that people seemed to be ‘on my case’ about how I express myself or about how I live. And that I would, as a result, sometimes lose things I valued. And I experienced people to be sort of a ‘threat’ and as ‘bothersome’ to me because of that. So my ‘social manipulation’ is more from the starting point of, ‘I’m going to give you what you want and play along with your personalities so you’ll leave me alone and leave me in peace’.

When it comes to ‘manipulation’, there isn’t anything ‘wrong’ with it per se. In a world where nothing is what it seems and things are the very manifestation of deception and separation, you kind of ‘have to’ manipulate. As in, ‘play the game’. Be in it but not of it. But you do it with awareness and from the starting point of creating a world that is best. So kind of manipulating to assist and support. When it comes to ‘social personalities’ developed in childhood, it’s not what’s ‘best’. It’ll more just ‘add’ to the separation. Because it is that ‘acceptance’ that this is just ‘how things are’. An acceptance that we must use and abuse each other for self-interest. And an acceptance of the FEAR we have of each other and that’s caused us to lie and deceive and manipulate.

 

Life is 'all of us'

This is a continuation of my previous post "I am Not Special"

Something Matti said in a Facebook post is worth a mention here:

"Something Bernard once shared which has stuck with me and been of great value:
If someone shows you something - a principle, an application, an insight -- don't now present yourself as being the source of that principle / insight / application. You didn't see it because you were caught in your own illusions / programming.
Rather, take the time to walk and test what they shared with you and discover what it means to you in your unique way / process, and then share the process of change and self honesty you walked, how you benefitted from what was SHOWN to you."

Just because, pretty much everything I'm writing in these blogs, are things that have in a way been shown to me. Through Desteni, Bernard, Sunette, and other Destonians. I've just realized and discovered them for myself and so have been sharing it from that perspective. So it's like 'hey, I have realized and understood this, BUT I was first shown it. And even though I may not have understood it at the time it was shown to me, I do understand it now because I've taken it upon myself to walk that process'.

And I thought I'd dedicate a blog to that point because it's in a way a dimension I was 'missing', but is actually quite important. As in the dimension of, you sort of NEED 'allies'. That's why we are a 'group'. You do need to learn from others. And now that I look at it, I'm preaching to the choir lol. I know I tend to be like, "nah I'm good. I'll figure it all out on my own, thank you", and be a bit 'closed-minded' and not very 'open' to learning from others. But I've definitely sort of gotten the lid on my nose from that one, so I'm very careful to not go there again. And to sort of force myself to consider other people's perspectives.

You know, like read blogs and Facebook posts. Actually take an interest in what somebody else has to say and the process they're walking and what they've realized and understood. I know I can still do more. Like maybe listen to Eqafe a bit more, read through the chats more. These are the things I tend to neglect, but it's at the same time the things that support me the most in my process. Cause I happen to be an 'arrogant piece of shit' lol. But that's fine in a way, just something to be 'careful' of for me, and put 'measures' in place to 'curb the arrogance'.

To sort of recognize that, 'hey, I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for Desteni. And the work that was already done before me. And all the things I have been shown through them'. Things that I now get to show others as well. While keeping in mind that it's not about the 'individual'. It's about the 'group', and what we can learn from each other, how we can support each other and what we can create together. Cause LIFE is 'all of us'.

I am Not Special

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Self-Interest Demon"

When it comes to process, things are in a way 'predetermined' within the principle of 'if I were in your shoes I would have lived the exact same life'. Like what process 'is', is life sort of taking back it's power and realizing itself through us as beings. So where previously our lives were 'predetermined' based on mind consciousness system programming, now they're predetermined based on life and what it takes for life to birth itself in the physical. It's sort of just a shift in 'starting point' for existence, in terms of 'why' we live the lives that we do.

So, everything is 'specific'. No one is 'special'. In fact, if I had lived your life, I would have made the exact same decisions you have, I would have come to the same conclusions and realized the same things. And the only reason any of us are 'walking process' or are 'destonians' is because of our 'location points'. With what you've walked in your life, in your preprogramming, and in your existence, with where and how you grew up, that's what made you 'hear' the Desteni message. Not because you're 'special'. But because of your unique 'location point' in existence. Anyone in your shoes would have been the same.

So is there such a thing as 'free choice'? Yes and no. Like you can always 'choose' self-interest I guess, but that 'choice' in itself exists within and as the mind. So it's not really 'you' as the directive principle anyways. So like, yeah, everything is specific. And that's oneness and equality isn't it? As LIFE. No 'specialness', no 'separation', no 'competition', no 'individuality'. Just 'all as one as equal', as ME. Like, it's already HERE. We just haven't realized it yet.

The Self-Interest Demon

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Unwillingness to Give up on Something"

The self-interest demon is the 'who' and 'what' I really am. Like, underneath all the 'trying' to 'not be self-interested', I am in fact self-interest personified. And the self-interest demon, only cares about self-interest. Only cares about ENERGY. In fact, it IS pure energy. Always moving around. Sort of a 'catch me if you can'.

Something that sort of can't be 'contained' or 'told what to do'. Something that doesn't follow any 'rules' or structure in any way whatsoever. It JUST WANTS ENERGY. It doesn't care about what 'makes sense'. It doesn't care about your rules or beliefs or ideas or, god forbid, 'intentions'. It sort of 'can't be tamed'.

So, if you do want to 'tame it', you better be very smart about it. Cause it will SABOTAGE every attempt. You better fully understand what you're dealing with. And don't underestimate it. You better recognize, the full extent and existence of this thing.

And you might judge it, and try to deny it. Cause it's not a pretty sight. I mean it's a demon lol. An addiction. But the only way is by accepting it. Like accepting 'ok I guess this is me'. Sort of just being real with yourself about what's really going on. Which might not be what you might have believed about yourself.

Only from that point of acceptance can you start to sort of 'direct it'. Being 'fully aware' that the 'nature' of the self-interest demon is to exploit your every 'weakness'. Which is every little point wherein you're not standing one and equal with it. Points of judgment, suppression and self-delusion.


I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest with myself about this self interest demon within me

i forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide this self interest demon within myself, underneath beliefs about 'who I am' as positively charged self-delusions  - like the belief that 'I care' and 'I do what's best' and 'I have good intentions' and 'I am a responsible adult'

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to be honest and real with myself about the fact that 'deep down' I am actually addicted to ENERGY and I care about nothing else than to satisfy my wants, needs and desires for ENERGY

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the point of 'self-interest' within and as me is completely without principles, without 'morals', without 'rules', or 'self-awareness' or 'self-restraint' and so cannot in fact be 'trusted' -- but must be 'accepted' and 'directed', without judgment or reactions to it

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that the self-interest demon within and as me shows me my self-delusions - as it WILL NOT LISTEN to anything, unless I stand one and equal with it and direct it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to accept the self-interest demon and stand one and equal with it - and to not make illusions about 'who I am', but rather accept and realize that this self-interest demon is the 'real me' as who and what I have become, as addicted to energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make illusions about 'who I am', within denial and judgment and suppression of the self-interest demon as 'who I really am' - just because I don't want to truly see and face the actual 'reality' of me -- instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that in fact, the self-interest demon FEEDS off of this self-dishonesty as it uses and exploits my 'weaknesses' to generate energy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself within and as the self-delusions in the mind as these positively charged beliefs I have of myself, which actually just serve to hide the self-interest demon - instead of being real with myself and accepting the self-interest demon as one and equal with and as myself and directing it as my equal

I forgive myself that I haven't accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that anytime I go into any positively charged self-delusions, I am only feeding the self-interest demon  - and that I need to simply accept and stand one and equal with it and be real with myself about how I actually exist 'deep down'

When and as I see myself accessing positively charged self-delusions in the mind, as beliefs about myself and 'who I am', then I stop and I breathe, and I see, realize and understand that I'm just in denial of the reality of myself, which is that the 'who' and 'what' I have become and am existing as, is in fact a self-interest demon as an addiction to ENERGY

and I see, realize and understand that by going into these self-delusional self-beliefs, I am just feeding the self-interest demon as it feeds off of my 'weaknesses' as the points wherein I am simply not being honest and real with myself

and that I just need to accept and stand one and equal with this self-interest demon in and as me, so that I can practically, realistically direct it

I commit myself to be real with myself instead of creating illusions as beliefs in my mind about 'who I am' - and to accept the self-interest demon as the 'reality' of 'who' and 'what' I am and have become, and stand one and equal with it, and to direct it from the starting point of that oneness and equality -- actually grounding myself by being 'down-to-earth' and 'real' with myself about 'who' I actually am and what's actually required of me so I can direct me effectively in reality

The Unwillingness to Give up on Something

This is a continuation of my previous post "I am a Pushover"

So when it comes to 'self-honesty', it's an interesting thing. Because, you'll only be 'self-honest' within the bounds of what you're 'willing' to be 'self-honest' about. There are things that you just won't want to 'touch'. Things that are so fueled by 'fear', that you're so afraid of 'losing', that you simply won't 'go there'. And things that are therefore 'veiled' from your own awareness.

Those are the things that make us 'evil'. Our points of 'possession'. Where we 'don't want to let go' of something. And there's a side of us that turns 'demonic' in a sense, as it tries to 'hide' and 'cling to' and 'safeguard' and 'defend', even from ourselves. Because no one, even ourselves, must ever 'touch' this point. Because that is how unwilling we are to 'give it up'.

We just can't even 'fathom' life without that point. It'll be our 'anchoring' point in this world. Like 'the one positive' that we have, and will cling to and defined tooth and nail. So it very much originates from like our 'deepest fear'. A fear we've come to accept and which we 'won't question'. Cause that point of fear is almost what the entirety of 'you' and 'your world' pivots around.

And then there's something that comes into your life and sort of gives you 'exactly what you were looking for'.  Your 'light in the darkness'. Your 'anchor'. Something that makes you feel less lost, makes you feel like you 'belong' and gives you a 'safe haven'. Something you accept as 'good' and therefore will never question the fear that's actually always been behind it.

And it's the things that are 'good' that we don't tend to question. The positive feelings. Cause, reality isn't 'good'. In fact, before this 'good' thing came into our lives, things were mostly 'bad'. And who wants to go back to that? So it takes a RADICAL level of self-honesty to start lifting that 'veil' and to start 'touching' that which would force us to face our deepest fear. To essentially let go of the 'one positive' and sort of plunge into that 'uncertainty' that's been hiding underneath.

I Am a Pushover

This is a continuation of my previous post "I Don't Want the Spotlight"

The more I am 'getting to know' myself, the more I'm realizing that I'm sort of a 'push-over' lol. Like a 'super-softie'. To the point where, I have trouble 'getting angry' or 'fighting back'. And I always thought I was being a 'weakling' because of that. And that I need to 'toughen up' sort of, and 'fight back' and 'stand up for myself', and 'have some character'. And I'd essentially 'judge myself' for being so...'easy' lol. Like you could just do anything with me and I wouldn't resist or fight back.

Surely I 'should have some backbone' and 'have some spunk in me'. And that's what anybody would tell you. But you know what? What if it's 'ok' for me to be like this? I mean what if that 'spunk' or 'backbone' or 'character' simply does not exist in me? Is that really so bad?

I'm starting to consider that there's maybe not actually anything 'wrong' with being 'soft' and 'gentle' and 'kind'. I mean it's kind of nice actually. I don't mind it lol. Why have 'sharp edges'? Is that REALLY 'necessary'? Sure in this world it does seem 'necessary', but it's not what's actually 'best'. But it's almost like us humans have 'embraced' that like 'harshness'. A 'reactiveness'. That point of like 'having character', as in like having some kind of 'expression' that you have to sort of 'fight for' in a way. where our 'communication' is almost like a 'fighting' for and with our 'expression' and 'character'.

So in the eyes of 'this world', yeah, I'm a big ol' 'pushover'. I 'lack character' and it's almost as though I don't even really 'exist' because of it. BUT I'm learning that, instead of judging it, and trying to change it, I need to actually just 'accept' it. Cause I mean at the end of the day, it's 'me'. And maybe I may not 'exist' in 'this world', but I do exist for me. And that's good enough.