To Be Self-Conscious

This is a continuation of my previous post "Am I Being Laughed at?"

What does it mean to be 'self-conscious'? From my - extensive - experience lol, and what I've also recently only realized, is that there's this interesting sort of 'point' within it that seems like just this want to 'be a good person'. Like, 'I'm just trying to learn and grow and be a better person'. And so that's why I will question and doubt and compare myself incessantly. That's why I am compulsively asking myself the question 'who am I?' So that I may ALWAYS be aware of all my flaws and mistakes and shortcomings and all the ways I'm 'less than' and 'inferior'... so that I can from there 'learn' to 'be more like others' who are 'better than me'.

I believe that being 'self-conscious' helps me to be more 'self-aware' and so helps me to change those parts and aspects of me that are 'inferior' and 'not good enough' and so will help me to ultimately become a better person. Through the excruciating process of constantly seeing just how flawed and inferior I am as a person. So I mean, this self-conscious programming in the mind is thus entirely 'justified' by it's apparent 'benevolence'. There's almost a sense of 'humbleness' to it.

But something I never necessarily realized or looked at is all the ENERGY I am generating within and through participating in the self-conscious programming. Cause I mean, every time I ask myself 'who am I?', and every time I compare myself, and doubt myself and attempt to answer the question 'who am I?', I go into emotional reactions. I generate a LOT of experiences of insecurity, doubt, inferiority, sadness, depression, guilt, shame and regret. I create a lot of inner emotional conflict.

And so if anything, the mind has just made a game out of the point of 'wanting to be a better person' or 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' by turning it into this sort of infinite loop or process wherein I'll be sure to generate lots of energy as emotions and keep the 'engine' going. All while I'm thinking and believing that I'm becoming 'better'. While I'm actually becoming 'less', becoming 'diminished', every time I go into the emotions. Since I'm not recognizing or realizing that 'self-development' and 'self-improvement' and 'becoming a better person' is really just about the process of becoming physical and getting out of the mind. Which means I just need to stop energy. Simple.

In fact it's as simple as just dropping the belief that I need to still become 'better', and still need to 'change' and 'improve' lol. It's to just accept who I am here and just be without reactions. Without mind. Cause I mean if my 'process' of 'self-change' and 'self-improvement' is really just triggering and feeding into a whole bunch of emotional experiences within myself, then something about it doesn't actually make sense.

Just need to learn to stop comparing myself, and stop thinking and believing and perceiving myself to be 'less than' and 'inferior'. Stop thinking there's more for me to 'learn' and that I'm not already 'good enough' as I am. That maybe I must be more 'like other people'. Maybe it's all in reverse and maybe instead of trying to become 'better' I need to realize I'm not 'less' to begin with.




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Am I Being Laughed at?

This is a continuation of my previous post "Never Forget Your Programming"

So this is one of those ‘reoccurring’ patterns that actually rears its head only every so often, to basically remind me of what still exists within me. This pattern of ‘feeling laughed at’. Like when you can’t say for certain but you have this distinct feeling all of a sudden that people were talking about you in a ‘mocking’ kind of way, and where you were feeling ‘confident’ and comfortable with yourself, suddenly now you feel this pang of insecurity and uncertainty. And I’ve found that it’s tempting to then go and feel ‘hurt’ and then get angry at those that ‘made you feel insecure about yourself’.



But what I realized is that I’ve never actually really looked into this point further. Because, while I can go and feel like the victim, I also realize when I’m honest with myself that I myself do sometimes and at least have in the past participated in sometimes that ‘outright’ type of mockery that’s borderline ‘bullying’. The ‘laughing at’ someone ‘behind their back’ , typically in the context of a group of people. So rather than getting stuck in the reactions of victimization and blame, I can support myself to learn what exactly is going on within and as this programming.



When I look at ‘why’ I used to ‘laugh at’ and ‘mock’ others when I was younger, it was because I was seeing ‘weaknesses’ in them. And when I look at what I am being ‘laughed at’ and ‘mocked’ for, it is also my ‘weaknesses’. Those weaknesses that are visible. So when we laugh at each other, we are picking at each other’s weaknesses. Judging them, bullying them. Essentially saying, ‘you should not be having any weaknesses’. ‘It’s bad to have weaknesses’. And I suppose it’s those that don’t want to be honest with themselves about their own weaknesses that will then go and attack another for theirs  through mockery/bullying.



Cause we all have weaknesses and flaws. And we are equal in that. So if you are ‘mocking’ another for their weaknesses or if mockery influences you, then perhaps that’s just showing you that you’re not being honest with yourself or comfortable with your weaknesses, and with ‘weakness’ in general. And I mean I certainly have never been lol. And so obviously ‘being mocked’ was quite an ‘issue’ for me, as in quite a fear that I’ve always had. As I existed in so much suppression and denial, and judgment, of my own weaknesses.  As in all my fears and insecurities and anxieties and all the patterns I’m living as coping mechanisms or consequential outflows of those fears. Not being honest with myself that yes inside myself I am quite a fearful individual. Quite a ‘weak’ individual. And that yes because of that, I have ‘flaws’ that are ‘visible’ in my expression and behavior. Quite a few patterns that I live and have developed throughout my life wherein it shows that I’m not entirely ‘here’. Not entirely aware of my environment and maybe a bit gullible and kind of living in my own little world.



And in those moments where I feel and perceive I’m being ‘mocked’, I suddenly become aware of the visibility of these weaknesses that I am living, and of the fact that those weaknesses is something that isn’t necessarily ‘accepted’ in this world. Or rather not accepted by the mind. Or rather, that I have never accepted about myself. More seeing weaknesses as something that needs to be hidden and suppressed and never ever shown. That ‘other people MUST NOT EVER see my weaknesses’. In other words, people must not ever see the actual extent of fears that exist within me. Just how weak I actually feel and experience myself inside. MUST…KEEP…IT…TOGETHER!



So being laughed at and mocked has really only been an issue because I did not accept myself. I did not accept that yes I am ‘flawed’, and yes I have weaknesses. That any ‘strength’ or ‘confidence’ is really just pretence and suppression of what’s really going on. It’s a bubble that can easily be popped. And does get popped lol, every time I get ‘mocked’.




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Never Forget your Programming

This is a continuation of my previous post "Putting my Foot Down"

Since a few years now I’ve had this ‘point’ on the tip of my left index finger. It was at some point a wound that healed and formed scar tissue. And I’ve found myself often sort of picking at the hardened tissue as just an automatic thing that I do and never though much of.



But I actually realized that it’s connected to a specific ‘programming’  that I access every time I pick at it. A programming of ‘inner emptiness’. It’s basically just this experience of emptiness within myself. Emptiness, loneliness, separation, isolation and disconnection. And I’m finding myself picking at it when I am around people, and so what I am doing is essentially everytime I do that, subconsciously accessing and bringing up all these experiences within myself to remind myself that 'who I am' is 'empty, alone, separated, isolated and disconnected'.

I mean it's really just another 'programming' of the mind to make sure that I never 'forget' my programming. My programming being that of self-suppression. So to make sure I never 'step out of' or realize myself as not actually being this programming of self-suppression, the mind has these 'fail-safes' in place. Just these little sort of 'traps', as 'habits' that seem 'innocent' but they're really not when looked into closely.

In fact, when you look closely, you go "holy shit". Cause you realize your own mind is duping you. It feels like such a betrayal lol. Like, my OWN MIND?!! And you realize you can't even trust your 'own mind'. That it is designed to basically be your enemy, to trick you and dupe you and sabotage you every step of the way.

Putting my foot down

This is a continuation of my previous post "When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing".


I am currently in the process of learning to 'put my foot down', after I realized that it's something I sort of never learned to do. My parents never really 'put their foot down'. Or at least, I always found ways to be able to lift that foot lol. There was always ways to 'manipulate' and 'get around' the foot. A lot of 'insecurities' and 'doubts', which they weren't even aware of, that I could exploit and take advantage of to still get my way. And so I more learned that I can ALWAYS 'get away with' doing what I want, as long as I know how to manipulate.

And I've found that even in my process, in relation to myself, I have that attitude. Of manipulating myself to still get away with self-interest and abuse, and exploit whatever insecurities and doubts I have to make me waver in my decision to not accept any abuse. To still 'get around' the foot that I'm trying to put down. Of giving myself the run-around and messing with my 'authority' in the same way that I messed with my parents' authority - just because I could.

Because yes, there was a weakness, and it needs to be exploited lol. Because yes, my parents should have been more steadfast, assertive and certain of themselves. Cause you can't expect your child to 'respect your authority' when you yourself don't entirely. Just like me, I need to be more steadfast, assertive and certain when making decisions and 'putting my foot down', not giving myself any leeway to abuse or manipulate. Standing ABSOLUTE. When I say 'no more abuse', then I mean 'no more abuse' with my whole being. 'No if, and or buts about it.'

Learning to say 'NO' essentially. Because, somebody has to. Cause I suppose it must be a generational thing, to have that 'weakness'. The 'weak constitution' which I also realized and referred to in my previous blog post, "When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing". It's basically 'pity'. Which is a disempowering form of 'empathy' in a way lol.

Pity is a result of a sense of victimization within self, when you've been 'wronged' in some way and you're still stuck in blame. And you go 'oh poor me and what's been done to me'. And you believe that you are a 'victim', entirely disempowered by your own reactions to 'what happened to you'. And that sense of disempowerment/victimization/blame does run in my 'generational lineage'. So that was a 'weakness' I could exploit in my parents.

I knew that their pity would make them question their own decisions. It would make them think, 'oh, maybe I'm being too harsh' or 'maybe I'm being inconsiderate', 'maybe I'm being a bad person'. So if I acted REALLY hurt and victimized, and got them to pity me, I could manipulate their decisions. But within that process I then obviously also learned to operate according to the same programming - of accepting an 'inner weakness' as the experience of disempowerment. Something that actually started out as just a way for me to manipulate my environment so I'd get what I wanted.

But really what all this comes down to, is just this point of 'I don't want to do this'. I don't 'feel like'/I don't 'want to' do whatever it is that I'm supposed to be doing. So I pretend like it's 'too hard' and it's 'too difficult' and 'oh poor me, crumbling under all this pressure, and the overwhelmingness!' While, there's really nothing wrong with my 'ability' to do it, I simply just 'don't want to' and I'm trying to worm my way out from under it.

So from that perspective, putting my foot down means to stop buying into my own bullshit lol. Stop buying into this whole 'I'm so weak. I'm so disempowered'-act. Cause really, so far I haven't really found anything that I'm genuinely not able to handle. And most of my 'I can't handle this' has been a consequence of my DELIBERATE over-pressuring myself just to generate and create a mental/emotional state of disempowerment, for the sheer purpose of manipulation.

And I now need to do what my parents essentially should have done, which is to tell myself to 'get over it' basically lol. 'Just do it' and stop whining, stop deliberately victimizing yourself, stop blaming, anytime I see myself finding excuses/reasons/justifications to not follow through on and undermine my decisions. Simple.



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When you're standing behind the scenes, you're still abusing

 This is a continuation of my previous post "The Road of the Least Resistance"


This is one of those sort of 'tricky' points to really see or be aware of. So when you see them, you have to grab them with both hands and write them down and open them up immediately lol. Cause they'll slip through the cracks of your awareness just as fast and disappear. I mean it's something I've been living yet have not been aware of it whatsoever. Or rather did not see it for what it was, and did not question it.

And it occurred to me as I was reading through one of the lessons in DIP Lite. In particular this paragraph:

In this, choice plays an intricate role that those discerning with common sense will realize. The actual choice is a directive principle within self-realised common sense – by which, and as which, you stand and thus, become – and not waver/alter even one inch/refraction – but stand as it, by it, as yourself, until it is done. This is not ‘choice’ from a polarity-reality where choice exists within this reality of mind, defined by ‘options’ as ‘free will’. This choice is an absolute standing as emergence of self; here as all as one as equal as Life.

I asked myself, am I living this 'choice'? Have I truly made this 'choice' for myself? I always ASSUMED I had, because I am 'walking with Desteni' and I am 'applying self-forgiveness'. Yet, if I'm being honest, there is 'something' there. Some part of me where I am not entirely 'standing'. Where I still hold back. So I asked myself, 'why? What am I holding back for?' Not having made the ABSOLUTE UNWAVERING choice, but still somewhere somehow allowing a 'backdoor'. An opportunity and possibility to still 'abuse'. To still have the illusion of 'free choice' or 'free will'. An attitude of being 'non-committal'.

And essentially a habit of 'getting things my way'. A habit of, if I end up not liking something, then I don't have to do it anymore. It's definitely in a way having a 'weak constitution'. Allowing that 'weakness' and almost a point of 'cowardliness'. Like saying to myself "it's Ok to be weak and not follow through on something when it gets tough". So I always hold that backdoor open to myself, 'just for in case things get tough and I feel like retreating'.


And so I also tend to not throw myself into the action so to speak. Going ‘full throttle’. I’ll more sit back, stay ‘behind the scenes’. Going, ‘well, I’m still participating’, but I’m staying in the ‘middle-ground’, kind of having one foot in one world and one foot in the other. Not wanting to commit because, well if I commit ‘and it doesn’t work out’, then what?

And it’s fascinating how I’ve lived my life like that. Never committing to anything because of this mantra of ‘what if it doesn’t work out, then I’ll be stuck?!’ I wanted to rather just hang out in the middle ground, keeping all my options open. So that I could choose what works out best for me when I want it. Believing that ‘all roads lead to Rome’. That if I don’t move and commit to walking one single road, I’ll have access to all roads and I will ‘have it all’. And this logic always seemed so intelligent. That, I’m just being smart about things. In a way it’s similar to trying to be a ‘Jack of all trades’. Trying to have my finger in every pot. So that, if one thing doesn’t work out, well then I still have all these other options. I don’t have to go under completely along with it.

But I never realized or considered that ‘commitment’ isn’t necessarily about ‘what I do’ as much as about ‘who I am’. Commitment is about DECIDING ‘who I am’, what I stand for, and clearly defining my SELF. It’s always been easy to be ‘non-committal’ about things in this world, like what job am I going to do, or what do I want to go and study or what hobbies do I want to pursue, cause it all seemed so ‘empty’ and ‘meaningless’ anyways. In a world where life is not honored in a systematic way, how can anything you do within that system have any worth?

And so my experience around the word ‘commitment’ had been defined within this experience of purposelessness. That, nothing means anything anyways so whatever you commit yourself to will be meaningless as well. And, I’ve hidden behind that belief. That at the end of the day, everything is meaningless anyways and it doesn’t matter what you commit to. And foregoing the fact that actually, there is a choice. And that, not making that deliberate CHOICE, still means you are choosing. If you don’t deliberately CHOOSE life, then you choose abuse. There is no ‘middle-ground’. It is all or nothing. It is simple. And to CHOOSE is to COMMIT. To be all in. No matter what. Come what may. To throw yourself into the action. To be on the forefront. To lead. And to be a ‘leading example’ of ‘what you stand for’ and ‘what you are committed to’.




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The road of the least resistance

This is a continuation of my previous blog post "It's All Already Here"


My relationship or rather reaction with the mind has always been conflictual. In that, I always REACT when anything comes up in terms of thoughts, emotions and feelings. And within that reaction I define myself within and as whatever it is that comes up, and also sort of make it worse.

So, I BATTLE the mind. And in a way I try to DOMINATE it. I try to suppress it and push it back/down. Because I believe that it is 'me'. And when, obviously with pretty much every thought and emotion/feeling that comes up, I see and realize that 'this is not my best potential', I go, "Noooooo!! This isn't the real me! This can't be the real me!!" And within that reaction of panic/fear, my reaction is to then fight back and try to suppress/dominate.

Rather than ACTUALLY realizing that 'this is not the real me'. Not within a reaction/judgment/fear. But a simple REALIZATION and UNDERSTANDING that, 'thoughts, emotions and feelings are not the real me'. And that, even though it seems 'intuitive' to resist, I actually must take the path of the least resistance. To allow these thoughts/emotions/feelings - whatever comes up - to move THROUGH me. Where I 'give way' to it. And I basically say "I'm not going to fight you". "No matter what you do, I will not resist you."

Maybe that is the living of forGIVEness. To have that 'give'. That bendability, flexibility, pliability. Of knowing that yes where I may bend and 'give way', I am never 'broken'. That I cannot 'break'. That no matter what happens, and no matter what I 'give way' to, no matter how 'overwhelming' and 'crushing' and 'threatening' it may appear, I will not actually disappear. That it may for a moment seem like I do when I don't put up that resistance and when I allow it to just sort of 'wash over me'. But I'll come out on the other side, with a greater connection to myself.

The way I have always lived is to actually take the road of the MOST resistance. To ALWAYS put up a fight. As a way of DEFENDING myself. Cause it's always felt like, if I don't, then that 'openness' and 'bendability'/flexibility/pliability will be 'dominated' and pushed down and suppressed. That there is ABUSE that will take place. And so that 'fighting' and 'resistance' has always felt like a very 'intuitive' response. A response of 'self-preservation'.

Because, there WAS abuse that took place. Yet, it was not understood as 'abuse' at the time. I did not 'stand' within me as a being, seeing and understanding and realizing what is going on in reality. Seeing and realizing how those beings in my life whom I trusted the most, were the most untrustworthy. Seeing and realizing how they existed within and as their mind, and seeing/realizing why they were who and how they were.

I rather 'trusted'. And then that trust was 'violated'. And then I felt 'violated'. Yet could never put my finger on why or how exactly I felt that way deep inside. Cause my 'self-preservation' response would not allow me to consider accessing that which had 'caused' me to become so 'violated' and that which would thus just make me go through the trauma all over again. I mean, how could I EVER, after what had happened to me, perceive who/how I was as flexible/pliable/bendable to be a 'good' thing?

Where rather, I should have realized that it wasn't that flexibility/pliability/bendability that was the problem. The problem was how it had been abused. It's the classic case of the trauma victim blaming themselves for what happened to them, while it's clear that obviously the abuse itself is the problem. BUT, a side that's also missed however, is how as a victim of trauma you are responsible. SO, how exactly are you as a trauma victim responsible for what happened to you??

What your reality was showing you, through the 'trauma', was things which you on a deep beingness level never wanted to take responsibility for. Things which you never wanted to realize or see or consider. Yet, things that do exist. You suffered at the hands of the things you were not willing to see, so that reality would show you how delusional you are.

Throughout my existence as a being, I tried to hold on to my 'innocence'. And would not consider 'abuse' to exist within me. Which, in a way, is 'cool'. But it also meant that I would not take responsibility for the abuse that DOES exist within reality. Thus, I would become a VICTIM of it, and so would in fact contribute to the cycle of abuse within existence. Because, even when abuse does not exist in and as you, you are still responsible for its existence. You're still responsible to DIRECT it. You can't just put blinders on and choose to just not see the things that happen to not exist in you. YOU have to still be a 'voice of change'. A voice of 'ENOUGH'.

Being a victim is NOT a solution, cause you're just allowing the abuse to still go on. You're just saying 'I'm not responsible'. But so what if you're 'not responsible'? How can you say that choosing to not see the things that are actually unacceptable isn't your part and responsibility in allowing those things to keep on existing? The abuse that happened to you, happened to you because you ALLOWED it to exist by saying 'I'm not responsible'. You never stood up as a being as a statement of 'THIS ENDS HERE'.

In a way you were the eternal 'child'. And never stepped into a point of 'maturity', where you are able to take responsibility for things that you aren't necessarily directly 'responsible for'. Where it doesn't even matter what is who's 'fault' per se, and who is doing what, because you stand as a point of 'responsibility' to direct it all. You are the 'parent' taking responsibility for reality. So no matter the abuse that exists, you consider yourself to be responsible to find effective ways to stop the abuse. You become the principle of what you will accept and allow within and as reality, and what is simply UNACCEPTABLE.

And if anything, it's those who most victimize themselves to the abuse, that need to stand up. Because it's us who are the ones that will not allow abuse to exist. We do not allow it to exist within and as ourselves, so why have we been accepting and allowing it within reality?? It's us who need to become the 'parent' and no longer just stand idly by, watching the abuse happen, believing that somehow we're doing 'enough' as long as we try to just hold on to our own innocence. Because if you do not stand up and say STOP, it will never stop. It will continue to be accepted and allowed, throughout cycles and cycles of it. Because you are not stepping in to say 'NO, THIS IS NOT OK' and you are not being the parent you are supposed to be. And not realizing that those who deliberately abuse, will not simply stop and change. They won't suddenly 'realize what they're doing' and realize they need to change. DIRECTION is needed within reality, and it's those who realize what is going on who need to find ways to stand as the DIRECTIVE PRINCIPLE.




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It's All Already Here

This is a continuation of my previous post "The Internal War of Manipulation"

Seems that I’ve copied this ‘personality design’ or mind programming of rather thinking that, ‘no, it’s NOT all already here’, from my mother. Because, ‘I am not good enough’. A belief in my ‘inferiority’ – and therefore the ‘need’ for me to MAKE SURE that I ‘get what I want/need’. Because, no it’s not just going to fall on my lap and it’s not going to just come to me easily – cause I’m just not pretty enough, or interesting enough for that. I NEED to control and manipulate in order to get and have what I want and need.

I mean I have believed that my entire life, when it comes to males. That, I’m just not pretty enough and I’m just not interesting enough, so no male would really WANT me necessarily. So I need to put in extra work somehow. Can’t just expect them to come flocking or even stick around for too long. So there’s always a point of ‘doubt’. Like when Paul showed interest in me and we hooked up and got into a relationship. There was always a doubt in the back of my mind. A doubt that it would last long. A doubt that he is really that interested in me, that he really wants to be with me. Because of that mantra in the back of my mind that ‘I am just not good enough’. I’m just not that pretty and just not that attractive. That basically there’s no way he’d be ‘naturally’ attracted to me. Like, to who I ‘naturally’ am.  There’s just so many ‘shortcomings’ that I have. My ‘genes’ are just not that good. So I guess there’s just not a lot of confidence in myself.

Cause I mean yeah my mom was like a really tall girl and tended to be also a bit ‘clunky’, like not necessarily a slender supermodel body, but more a ‘towering giant’ body. She had really thin hair and a round face and a big nose, and a dead grey tooth right at the front. So to her that felt like her ‘beauty’ – her ‘be-you-ty’ was ‘diminished’. That who she was inside, as her ‘be-you-ty’, was ‘diminished’. Because, oh look at all of these ‘flaws’ and these ‘shortcomings’ in terms of how ‘beauty’ is defined in this world.

And I also had those kind of qualities. I was taller than the other girls. I had a really long face and a bigger nose and my teeth were a bit crooked. So I assumed that ‘I am not beautiful’ – that I am ‘less me’ lol because of these specific ‘traits’ that I don’t have on an external level. And so I then separated myself from who I am ‘naturally’. Within the BELIEF that ‘I am not be-you-ti-full’. And it’s also not just from what I developed in this lifetime, or even what I copied from my mother. This kind of ‘acceptance of inferiority’ and ‘diminishment of self’ goes back through my generational lineage. It was already in my mind and body when I was born. All already downloaded within and as me. I was PREPROGRAMMED to be ‘inferior’.

All the points of self-diminishment and self-suppression that have been over time accepted and allowed throughout the generations that have gone before me, manifested in my mind and body – like a blueprint that I would just grow into, while on top of that then also developing my own points of self-diminishment. Because yes as they say, who you are inside will ‘shine through’ and that your ‘inner beauty’ will radiate into your ‘outer beauty’. And when ‘who you are’ on the inside is compromised, within and through the mind, the ‘outer you’ will also be. So then you have to walk a process of correcting all the accepted and allowed points of compromise. Correct the inner ‘you’, if you want to be ‘be-you-ti-full’.

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